The Life That I Cannot Hide Away From : Hiding my Heart.

For the first time in about 15 years, I am terrified of my Mother for sake of her now questioning my sexuality. The phone call that came in yesterday afternoon has the both of us avoiding conversation, and has brought is to very akward conversation. "How's the weather" - "I'm fine", many long pauses. Even my sister is worried about the telephone call. She's known about me for some time now, but has not issued the news out to anybody but those who I give her permission to. My sexuality is very "don't ask, dont tell" with those who I am not too open with. Sadly, my mother has been out of the know now for about 10 years.

In other news, I've put in an application for an apartment and I am feeling the harsh message of rejection coming my way, as I have yet to recieve a telephone call about the fucking place. I a assuming that I'm not qualified for the apartment. When I called my father yesterday for him to co sign, he told me that he couldn't do it, and that he would not even give me his social security and birthdate to fill the co sign app out for him. This only reinforced my sense of dissapointment in him. For he has always done this to me. I can't say that he has been all bad, for he's kept me with a home for my whole life. But when it comes to support and help - he's never followed through. However, he'll always go to bat and follow through for my other brothers [from his first marriage].

Now that I have put in an apartment application and my mother has pretty much found out "The big secret", I've got one more piece of news to unveil. J*****n text messaged me this morning to inform me that he needs a break from "us". He tell's me that he likes me too much and that he needs time to think about his life. It makes sense, but I've also heard this before -- Aaron told me the same thing, and within a week he had a new boyfriend, and let me down in the ugliest way possible. Although I do not forsee J******* repeating the same wrongs as Aaron did to me, I can honestly say that I am secretly bubble wrapping my most valuable items, so to make a quic escape if this all comes crubling down.

This is almost too much to handle in a single week, but perhaps there is a reason for it all. Maybe I was not meant to be surrounded by those I "love", my own shame has me running from the life that I cannot hide away from. Everything is so magnified in scale this week that I feel a migrane coming on. I've had times like this in the past, maybe I'll prove to be stronger this time around, maybe I'll just have to say "fuck it" and move away. Am I destined to be the man that runs away from his problems, or will I stand up and face the shadows that talk to me on walls. "And I wish I could lay down beside you When the day is done And wake up to your face under the morning sun But like everything I've ever known I'm sure you'll go one day So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away."