Judgement and Acceptance.

My life is changing so rapidly that I cannot account for half of the things that are going on around me. Stressed and confused; but confident in this change, I am embracing it as it comes. On Sunday I met up with my boyfriend at the mall and we walked hand in hand as wel always do. Mid way through our walk between Hot Topic and the food court I ran into my brother's ex girlfriend L****. As we continuted to hold each others hand I froze with shock; would L**** tell my brother that she'd run into me at the mall and saw me with another man?. Would she blab onward to the rest of our family that S*** has a boyfriend?.

As I walked away from the food court trying to find acceptence enough within to walk in confidence with my boyfriend and tell myself that it's okay to be myself despite my own fears of being judged by those who've known me since I was wee; I came to a stop at the movie theater to where we would buy tickets to see "Across The Universe". Low and behold I run into my brothers most recent ex girlfriend Am*****. Greeted with hugs and a hello she noticed us holding hands as well and kinda gave me the "okay thats cool too" look, which I felt fine with, but still kind of in shock because I'm thinking "wow, two in a row".

There are many people that I am okay with understanding my sexuality. In fact most people have been very accepting. But within my personal life, and my own family I feel as though they will all think less of me and find me to be sick. I know for a fact that my own uncle made hate calls to my aunt M*** when she came out about 20 years ago. And my mother still claims that M***'s homosexuality is the product of a destroyed marriage and a bad father figure. These lines have to be destroyed if we are to ever understand each other, and we have to start this process within the family.

We are often confronted with the question, "Why do you care about what other people think about you?". And though we generally try not to, the reality is that ... we do. When we walk outside in that brand new coat, we are inspired by what we think is presentable to the public. And when we close out our hearts for those who we fear may judge us, we are conforming to stagnance. What the world asks of us is to be free with one another, but mankind is terrified of being free. He needs limitation in order to feel constructed. Sometimes that is okay, but in the broad range of awareness and equality, it just can't work.

So as I come to terms with myself, I am preparing for a life of constant strength. If this is what gay pride is, well then perhaps I have gained some. This process is still in progress, and I am taking my life slowly, I do not need any negative energy in my life as I try my best to surround myself with inspiration and positive force. It's about time that I stand up on my own two feet and become the individual that God made me to be .... and loves. I need to love myself more, because I am a damn good man. And you can call me a queen, you can call me a fag, but you will never truly understand nor have access to the materials that I am working with in this world; to make it a better place.