A few thoughts this morning as I mentally prepare for the new work week. For starters I am missing / worried about my boyfriend. Last night he was telling me about how badly he wanted sex, and the first thought that went through my mind was "Oh God don't fucking cheat on me", because I've always been the boy that gets tossed aside. And I don't know if I can take it again; it's why I haven't opened myself up fully. I'm really scared of being the fool again, of being naieve, caring and ignorant. The only thing that came to my mind was the image of him finding a fellow kitten and making happy with desire for a single moment. This hurts me even to fucking write that because I don't think it's even what happened, but today I am really having hard time letting go of the past.
My daily OM horoscope advised that I envision my past as a ball of energy, I am to take those memories and bunch them up. Then I am to throw them as far as possible like a rock into the distance. This could work well if I were willing to surrender my control for a moment. Letting go of the past to me, means fearing a repeat scenario. I don't want to be hurt, I dont want to be alone, I dont want to be a fool, I dont want to be scared, I dont want to distrust. My stomach hurts and my head is aching, I am sitting in an office worried about an imaginary scenario composed within my head, for sake of fears enjoyment.
All that I can say is that I am unlike most men, I am trying my hardest not to think with my penis, I am trying my best not to look upon others as simple objects. I never really have and I am pretty confident to say that I don't feel the need to do so anytime in the near future. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a sucker, if I'm simply enabling the "he's easy, let's take advantage of him" card. All I know is that just when I think I've found trust, something comes up to smash it all to shit. And this time around I won't tolerate it, I won't be the one who hangs on to something impure and destroyed. The truth is that I cannot get over the past, I still feel embarrassed for ever having found myself in trust toward those who cheated on me. And when I finally meet somebody who looks like they'll work for me .... I worry about trusting too much and being the fool in the end.
1 comment:
Trust is sacred, that is why it creates such a void if it is lost. Be patient, and don't take it out on yourself, it will come back.
I don't know if you can ever really trust someone if they cheat on you..but you can definitely heal and trust again wholly, whether it is with this man or not..
Give yourself time. xx
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