I'm trying to hold my power and the light seems to be blowing south. This means there is a force against me and I am trying my best to keep the flame strong. I've got this force, that force and my own force blowing me around, and I'm too afraid to close a window for fear of falling out and to the ground far below. My voice isn't heard and my heart is untrue to myself. I am fearful of losing this battle, I am fearful of hurting anyone around me. I am becoming a yes man all over again and they can't understand how horrible it is to be one man in a huge circle. I am not the president, I am simply your friend, so why is it so hard to accept that time is not always on our side. Sometimes I feel angry when sex is my enemy, never on my side or shall I say that I choose not to walk down that path. I feel scared when others do not take interest in me because I am not ready to give myself sexually for the cause of a relationship. No I am not waiting for marriage, I'm just not ready yet. And then there is the threat that it could all go to shit at any moment ... I could be cheated on and that'd be my fault because I did not surrender to the needs of another man. What is wrong in here, what is wrong with my head?. Am I spinning out of control or am I holding on to a vile of poison?. I think that I've walked through all the doors available and this time the winning door calls . . . Where the hell do I run to now when my dignity suffers the great fall ?.
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