The Heat Of Summer Sunshine.

I've been faced with a moment of truth today as an old friend of mine called me in congratulations of my "new boyfriend". Only this telephone call did not come to my personal voicemail box, but rather my home telephone number and on the answering service of my mother's telephone. Confronted with it today, my mother asked me "is there something you're not telling me", in response to that message, and I responded with "I don't know what she's smoking" -- perhaps the worst brush off in the book. This basically said to my mother "yes, and I'm still going to hide it from you". Now is a time of change, and apparently it was in the cards according to the man I am dating.



Is it easier to live in a lie, with the fantasy that nobody knows your dirty little secret, thus living in denial. Or is it easier to be bold, new and yourself completely, not living the lies, not pretending to be anything other than who you are in the moment. My hands are shaking as I type this, and my stomach is in knots. I don't know where it is in the back of my mind that I believe that nobody knows or suspects that I fuck men, and that I will never marry. This life is such a freaks paradise that even those closest to me cannot know my fetish. As innocent as I may appear, and as grounded as I am .... I am a homosexual living in the shadows. And suddenly there is an ounce of light upon me ... here, see me run from the truth.



And so in my own expression of this emotion, I leave you with a music video from The Corrs, and though one may think that I am biased [due to loving this band], the video expresses this feeling that I am going through. It's about hiding your heart in the darkness, perhaps for fear of confrontation. The shame, the fight or flight .... it's all there today.