Untitled.

Fight or flight ?

Cry tonight ?

What's my option?

You're not around so much anymore.

Seems as though this bed is always cold on the left side.

Try again?

Will you please be my friend?

Is this alright?

Is my grip holding you to too tight?

Seems as though you've got a wondering eye.

So sassy, is it pondering another guy?.

You say I mistrust, which I do.

But it's never about me ... it's all about you.

How could I ever feel like you've got my back

When all that I do is scratch yours.

So angry you are.

So dissapointed I am.

So heartbreaking it is . . .

I Want To Go Home. But Where Is Home When Security Is In Question.

So the boyfriend just randomly canceled evening plans to take a walk alone to the park at 9pm. With ETA on his return and no hint as to why he departed, I am left to wonder why so much mystery behind this "walk". Of course worry will have it's abusive way with my mind; suggesting to me that he's meeting up with some other boy for a nice fuck in the park because I don't fuck him like he wants to be fucked.

I made chicken pesto with rice and roasted potatoes for dinner, but when I offered it to him he seemed uninterested as though it's the norm, as though he had better things to do. And yet in my mind I believe all of this worry to be a product of my co-dependence upon him. Earlier this afternoon I described to my sister about how he and I are NEVER apart and even when we are apart, that it seems so unnatural to be apart for we live, breathe, sleep and eat together - hell we even go to school together and take the same class together.

But why now after months of content, why now do I worry that he has grown tired of me?. Why now do I imagine him smiling in the eyes of a shadow figure male. Why do I see him bending over for a model ?. And though I have an evening alone (something that I wanted badly) now I find myself drunk with worry and angst. I'm depressed, I'm listening to sad music and imagining the affair as though it were a scene on the television set. Perhaps today is the spoken about anniversary between he and his ex which they still celebrate.

Is it considered a faux pas to continue celebration of a past relationship as though it still holds meaning between your present lover and his or her ex?. Should we draw the line with a "hey buddy, I'm in your life now !" or do we show our support by not saying anything at all ?. You see, I am very confused by this because I do not feel like it's polite to constantly live in somebody else's shadow. It's not fair for me to feel as tired as I do and yet to feel like there is still a shadow in his life who receives any ounce of his affection.

The truth is that something does not feel right at the present moment, and I am hard settled on worrying about it until I come up with an answer. Sometimes the best way to describe this feeling is to say "I want to go home" or rather take me back to my sense of safety. What is he doing out there, who is he speaking to when I am not around. Is my jealousy making a cameo appearance or is this a return to form as it were. Where's my safety, and why have I always felt second best to porn actors and models on the television set. Why do I feel a sense of worthlessness when he stares into the eyes of attractive mutual friends with a once familiar look unto my own eyes. Am I losing ground here?, or will my infectious insecurity lead me to my ultimate fate as "second best" to another man.

I suppose that all I want to know is .... am I doing something wrong?, am I boring you?, have I failed you? . . . did I give up on us a long time ago?.

A Story

I'm bored and tired and I have nothing to say in any particualar order. I'm having a moment where I don't exactly feel like the world cares about what I have to say. I am at the hour when secrets are too tired to come out and play. Right about now I could just use a drink with a few good friends without any drama of those which do not handle their liquor. These are the ones I love, but I just can't handle fighting with when drunk. So I've quit as well. Still however, it would be nice to just have a glass of wine with a friend and talk like young adults. I can't drink anymore because I have an example to uphold.

My boyfriend and I have gone through some pretty serious fights when we drink and it's disfunctional. I've always been a pretty peppy, happy and easy going "drunk", I may get a little bit loud but I never instigate fights which is something that my boyfriend does when he drinks. The last time we both drank together he blacked out and kissed another guy at a party. He thankfully admitted it to me - but it still hurt a lot and I seriously had considered breaking the relationship up. I told him that if he wanted to redeem his mistake that he would stop drinking. He's 19 and has absolutely no concept of control when it comes to substances like alcohol. And he's also a pretty angy, horny drunk which makes me feel really uncomfortable as though I am going to be cheated on or yelled at when I get home.

So I am forced into a big brother role sort of because I have to set the example of how it needs to be. Controlling yes, but I have to maintain my safety as well as put ends to toxic behavior. I'm the child of an alcoholic and I can't stand to babysit adults especially when they treat me like shit in return. I'm not into it, and I will not tolerate it. So - I ended it. Much like J******n would not tolerate me smoking cigarettes, I quit the habit in order to sacrifice and change for this relationship. And that's exactly what J******n did for me with partying and drinking. He made a change and I really appreciate and honor that. So for that reason, I will not drink around him nor do I feel comfortable being tipsy around him anymore. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

I don't know, I'm just tired and sometimes I want to be able to act my age instead of having to pretend as though I am not legal to drink when I want to. There are some times that I just wish that my boyfriend knew how to drink like an adult instead of a child, and that I could trust him not to treat me like shit when he does drink. Kissing another man is not the only way that he's hurt me when drunk. He flirts with other men, he starts fights and instigates them by asking me "are you mad at me?". Often I'll say no and he'll call me a liar. He's gotten physically aggressive and often likes to bring up really ugly topics such as cheating and monogomy issues. So it's not safe and it's unfair and it's always ugly. Yet there has been only one time when I ended up getting a bit more drunk than he -and he totally condemned me for it, left me in tears and punished me the following day through silence. So I vowed to no longer drink - and I kept that promise. So there is now a very solid non alcoholic rule in my home. So now I am left with the responsibility not to drink - and now I can't do it with my friends.

Grandma

Maybe it's the weekend, maybe it's the clouds outside, maybe it's me, or maybe it's life. This weekend is proving - - no this past week has proven to be a challenge to my entire family. Monday started out like any other, I went to school, I worked out, I went to volunteer with BRO for a few hours, I got home, and then I got a telephone call. My Grandmother had to go to the ER for breathing complications and a weak state of being.

I missed the call due to napping when I got home, but as soon as I got the call I ran to Sacred Heart Hospital's ER. She seemed tired, her lips appeared somewhat purple toned (not a healthy sign) and her speech seemed some what fatigued. Apparently she had some kind of a fall at home due to weakness of body, a symptom of her COPD. By the end of the night she agreed to be admitted into the care of Sacred Heart.

Throughout the week she looked promising, despite her hatred for a strapped breathing mask that the doctors attached to her face to regulate her dioxide levels. My grandmother was scheduled to come home yesterday afternoon at about 5:00 pm; I waited at my house for the call to help her get home. It was at about 4:30 pm that I checked my phone to see if anybody called to queue me toward the hospital for grandma's departure. I had received a text which said "G ma got worst call asap", followed with a missed telephone call from my sister. At that moment life stood still, time stopped, the minutes dragged on like the times I'd been high on streets in Oakland. Only this time, I was sober and this was a harsh reality.

Upon my arrival to the hospital I found my grandmother sitting bedside with nurses, my mother and my sister all aiding her needs. My grandmother did not look healthy at all. Her eyes were droopy, her face pale, her body in tremors. The hours that followed my arrival felt like an emotional typhoon. The basic message from the doctor was that my grandmother would more than likely not make it through the night, this was the same thing which my mother had said on the telephone to me at 4:30. The general idea was that if my grandmother stayed in the hospital on the breathing treatment; that she may pass away in the middle of the night. She continued on to say that if we took my grandmother home as per her "death request" that she may survive, but that likely she would not.

As we waited for social work to come through and for her to be released, the general sense felt hopeful as though maybe she was pulling out of it. The respiratory nurse came in at about 8:00 pm to check on things and make sure that the "darth vader" mask (as I nick named it) was secure on my grandmother's head. It was at this point that my mother decided to ask what the mask was for. And after a few short descriptive medical sentences the nurse pretty much told us that this "Vader" mask was my grandmother's "Life Support".

To receive the description of life support came very unsettling to my mother, sister and I. It just did not make sense; why had they not told us about this subtle reality during the week ?, why did they not tell us that this mask was a life support means?, and why . My grandmother had requested that if something were to happen to her, that any hospital she were in would not take any extraordinary means to save her. And though this breathing machine was not extraordinary, it seemed to us as though it was a bit too much to add to her stress of being sick in the first place.

With the doctors grant and the request of my grandmother, this was now the hour for critical decisions to be made. Doctor Adams advised that if my grandmother were to stay the night in the hospital that her chances of survival would be greater than if she were to go home as requested. My mother had to make the decision to take her home so that if last night was the hour, that she would pass in peace, in her own bed, and at home. Once the decision was made, the hours waiting for transport seemed to take forever.

As she would fall into various deep slumbers, my Grandmother seemed to be weakening. I sat bedside praying my hail Mary's and asking God to bring her strength. I don't feel like it's her time to go. I feel like she has more fight in her, and I do not want her to give up. But it was in this moment that I realized that we need her more than she needs us at this point, and that every day from here on out with her is a gift. For God is showing us something in this experience that life does leave us and life does not last on tis earth forever.

We got her home at about 10:30 pm, and she seemed much happier to sleep in her own bed. Though she's weak,shaky and confused I do feel as though taking her away from the hospital was the best thing for my grandmother. She survived the night and that gives me more hope than the doctors and nurses did. All that we can do from this moment on out is hope,pray and celebrate her life. Tomorrow is Mother's day and I want to spend it with my grandma and my own mother. Throughout such experiences we witness "scenes" as it were. The image of my mother watching her own mother become critically ill and making decisions in honor of my grandmother's wishes only reminded me that some day I will be standing in my mother's shoes and that I will have to be strong enough to care for her as well. Death is a reality of life, it's the end to the story that God wrote for us.

In this life all tat we can do is love those we will lose some day. And if we find ourselves in the position of knowing that we are losing somebody we love, then we need to use that time to say the words "I love you" to that person. Because someday you may not have that person with you to receive the message. So make sure that you tell the people you love that you love them. And do not be afraid of the moment that they are gone - because as hard as it is for you to "lose" that person they become a part of you. I have confidence in my grandmother because she is indeed a fighter. At 85 years of age I think she's got a few months left in her and I am not going to give up on her just yet.

Lessons From These Little Earthquakes. Growing On A Fault Line.

Hey everyone,

So I have not been here for a while. Firstly because my internet service has been out like a sick puppy, and second because I have neened some time to myself. I'm back in school full-time now studying music and theater. It's awesome but lot's of work. I started school two weeks into the spring term which still has me catching up on home work. I am also involved in various non profit organizations around town here. I've been volunteering for Basic Rights Oregon, Womenspace and I've just signed on for an internship with the Oregon Students Equal Rights Association (OSERA). I'm running for student senate which should hopefully put me into the front line of student body issues and needs. I'm finding myself slowly sinking deeper into a sociology field through these various causes that I am working for.

Home life has been on an up/down scale. I've gone through a few recent relationship issues which needed to be resolved. In the end I learned about what it means to be true to somebody else other than yourself and to question your decisions after you make them. I long for respect, love and loyalty - and the scenario which I am referring to here showed me a real break in all three of those requirements. And in the end I took him back. The decision was made based upon the fact that he was drunk, and also that I did unto him what I would want him to do to me if I were in the same situation (though I know he never would). I still feel a bit of an inner sinking when I explain my decisions and actions because I feel as though I decided to be strong for him instead of being strong for myself.

My involvement with the Kapgar blog contest ended up failing because I did not have ny access to the internet and I've been some what depressed as of late. But the main problem with this was that I did not feel comfortable enough to openly celebrate my sexuality through stories and jokes. It's kind of like getting the green light and then pissing it all away and I apologize to the guys over there Kevin and Carly for my lack in participation, and I thank you guys for taking me on even though I only busted out about three or four blogs for the contest. It was fun and I intend on continuing to examine my own sexuality through sharing stories in the future. I just don't know that I was fully ready to step into my own shoes yet.

"When You Gonna Make Up Your Mind, When You Gonna Love You Like I Do"...(Tori Amos, Winter). The lyrics to Tori Amos's 1992 single "Winter" remind me of myself at the present time. Relying on others for security when in fact I have that security right here inside of me. My strength is nowhere near anybody else, it has to come from within. I know that it is there, but I do not use it. It's like having a raft but not letting yourself swim. I have to swim, I have to get to the other side. I have to take responsibility for my anguish in times that I feel let down. I have to come to terms with who I am in order not to allow others to break me into their own mold. The entire album to Tori Amos's "Little Earthquakes" means something more to me now that I am actually realizing the transformation phase that the album represents. Are these Little Earthquakes the lessons that we need to learn on the path to our individuality and warriorhood?.

Perhaps the answer unfolds during each day, each week, throughout the end of the month and the conclusion of the year. Ten years on and these lessons will be so engrained into our "self" that we will have to ask ourselves "how did I become ....". Even now I am having to ask myself how I got stuck into the archetype of the Nice Guy only to try and break the habits that have brought me here. I have learned so much in the past year about how to speak when need be and not to allow for others to dictate your feelings and control your needs and emotions. It's so important to validate your emotions by expressing them in a healthy way. It's also KEY to not lose your stand when you take one. It's healthy to be open minded to other's defense so long as you are not being attacked. And it is so very imperative that we remain true to ourselves always. These are the lessons that these little earthquakes have taught me thus far, and I am positive that there are more along the way. Some day I will be full - some day I will move on toward the next walk. But for now I am still growing up on the fault line.

Sexual Assault; video awareness.

So before you watch these videos, I did a random search on you tube for rape an sexual assault, the results were not as massive as I though they may be, but I took what I could grab to re post here before I go to class this morning. I feel it's important throughout this contest that I also show some videos and share some music. The first video here is a PSA about date rape and it was made by a few students. The second video is a collection of art and music which highlights rape within a marriage (yes unwanted sex in wed lock is rape too), and finally I thought I would share a video by Tori Amos called "Me and a Gun", which documents Tori's own experience with sexual violence and assault. So please watch, please thing and please make a donation to RAINN during sexual assault awareness month.

Sex, School And a Rant.

Right now I don't know what to say. I am supposed to be going back to school and nobody can truly know why it is that I am back in. I am going back to school at the moment because my boyfriend has taken my by the hand to do so. My mother just finished yelling at me for taking classes which are too easy, my H.S. Tutor/adviser yelled at me this morning for not going to classes from the day they began and I am yelling at myself for not being a man and taking my own direction.

I am tired of lying to my mother about the life that I am living. I ended up gettin defensive and telling her something along the lines of "you don't know the first about my life so you have no right to yell at me for the classes that I am taking.". Hell I even had to lie to her that financial aid came through because I had to have a cover story. I am tired of the lies, you have to create lies to cover lies and now I am so buried within lies that I can't even stand straight.

I feel like I am trying to please everybody else but my self. It's starting to kill me because I don't know what I want anymore. I am living a double life. To my mom I am the son who's living "on his own" for the first time. To my boyfriend I am me. To my sister I am stressed out all the time and to my family I am "busy". But I can't be all of these people any more, I don't think that I can lie about it. I am so afraid of what everybody will think about my sexuality that I can't even begin to accept myself for who I really am.

I can't even have sex without feeling some kind of hell fire biting me in the ass. I've been taking confirmation classes to become a fully baptized and "sainted" Catholic, and yet here I am fucking my boyfriend after mass. I remind myself of that old school Bon Jovi video where the young girl goes to mass in the morning and ends up fucking a guy in the back of a car by nightfall. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Why are we made to feel so shamed for our sexuality. Gay, straight, whatever; "sex is wrong" and we are to "repent" from the sins of the flesh if we are to go to heaven. If Adam had not fallen for eve and all that crap. I'm just confused, and I feel so ashamed for the life I'm living.

I apologize to the readers out there who are wondering why I am so angry at the moment, but I really do feel like I am going to burn in hell for having a sex drive (and I've kept it LOW for sake of keeping those gates closed). Last night my boyfriend and I were about to go to bed when suddenly we started to fool around. At some point I asked him if he wanted to have sex and he said yes. So I got the condoms out (I believe in SAFE before regret and worry) and I began to do the dirty. I swear to god I lasted 2 minuted before I came because in the back of my head I was going "Oh you are going against the teachings of the church you son of a bitch, you hypocrite, you heathen". The nerves alone made me finish long before I was ready to and that's just a shame!.

I feel like if you are going to enjoy sex, you have to cut yourself off from your spiritual/religious self. It's like you can't just have sex and enjoy it without feeling conscious of it at all times . Lord knows the paradox arrives when I am having sex with my partner and I am worrying about the motion and how well I am pleasuring his body and what not. Which brings me to my next point, which I have discussed before. I feel as though I am kinky by nature because I am afraid to be a sexual being and a human being at the same time (yes we know they are the same, but I do feel as though I am two halves here). So I like it rough, and I like to tease and I like to play the "you cant touch me, but I can touch you" game.

It's just...... why so much guilt God?, why do I feel like sex is a "pagan" act?. Why do I feel as though I am doomed to hell by expressing myself within a committed and healthy relationship. Homosexuality aside, why do I feel this?. Is it because deep inside I "know" it's "wrong"?. Or is it because I was taught it to be wrong ?. And will there be forgiveness at the end of this class ?. I just don't understand, and with my confirmation coming this weekend (Sunday) I am especially counting all of my sins because I am about to confirm myself within this church that teaches these morals. And that's why I do not feel worthy of confirmation because I am not living by their set of morals anymore.

Please visit Kapgar for more information on the current blog contest that my blog is a part of, and consider a donation to RAINN during sexual assault awareness month. Thank you :).