This is the product of WAR

Although I am hesitant to post such an image I do so with great respect. I want to show you what it looks like to kill a child. These children are no different than our own. So to say that we are different, is to take that child right from the arms of this man and throw her into a bath of acid. You are not different than I young man, this image shall go to show us that we are human, and death is present.

Death is natural but murder is not. In self defence, we face a choice to kill or be killed; however we've not been given a right to abuse that natural defense against harm in the woods, the tribe or the inner city. Take a look at death and respect her value ... do not abuse Death, for she will swallow you hole. Once more --- we have a great lesson to learn of love and war.

Hide Away

I know that I can be stronger than this ... this waiting for some kind of acknowledgement.

HIDE AWAY : Lyrics by Sharon Corr

It's time to change, throw out the booksand start againBreak all the rules, fall on your facedon't be ashamedYou can't waste more time 'cause you've beengone for far too longTrapped in his arms, safe without harmFollow your heart don't be afraid

You think that you're okBut I don't believe in what you sayYou think that it's too lateBut it's no good, good enough for you

Don't hideaway'Cause I know that you've got what it takesI believe you can be what you wanna be

Let yourself go, don't you worry about a thingBreaking the chains, so hard to beginFollow your heart don't be afraid

You think that you're okBut it's no good, good enough for you

Don't hideaway'Cause I know that you've got what it takesI believe you can be what you wanna be

Don't hideaway'Cause I know that you've got what it takesI believe you can be what you wanna be

Don't hideaway'Cause I know that you've got what it takesI believe you can be what you wanna be You can be what you wanna be

Safety

Last night as I left his house, I felt like he was angry at me. And I don't know how to vex that worry within my mind this morning. I feel really scared that I've fucked something up. The cards read that we'd go through something odd soon enough together, is this it?. I can't shake it, I cant cut the image of you standing at the door with that look of "go" in your eyes. Part of me feels stupid, the rest of me feels scared; for last night I felt closer to you than ever before and then the stab of miscommunication had to come between a moment. I feel stressed, I feel scared, I feel angry at myself, I feel so many things and yet all that I really want is to make sure that everything is okay. Safety ....

Children of the Corn

As I sit here looking outward to the students of UO, I am overwhelmed by a sense of ... judgment. I feel as though I am looking at them like rich pigs with little appreciation for the world around them. Is this an honest assessment, or rather a jealous conclusion?. What brings me to this place of judgment, why am I not the one with the pretty hair, the skinny body and the riches to back my actions up. Where is that presence within that says "keep it cool boy". Am I the freak?, the poor boy?, the outspoken oddity?, and the performer with too much insecurity?. What in all reality could be so wrong with that?.

This world has taught us to hate everything about ourselves just so that we can live up to the image of those who gave into that exact lie. So when I feel this way I must look deeper within ... what am I really seeing in these people?. The pretty girl with the skinny body probably goes home to her dorm and thinks about how ugly she is on the inside, and the pretty boy with all the nice clothes probably goes home thinking "What will Dad think when I tell him I'm gay?". The truth behind all of these nice clothes and beautiful bodies is that there are deep rooted secrets and emotions which are abused and masked by the popularity of celebrity/ wealth-worshipping culture.

So maybe I'm not all that bad myself, maybe my thoughts and emotions are controversial for the simple reason that nobody else is comfortable enough to say it. So maybe I'm rich in emotion and intellect, while they are rich in cars and face cremes. Life is too short to truly worry about the rich and beautiful, the truth is that we can only be ourselves, and when we find ourselves lost in the fantasy that we are supposed to be Kate Moss or Orlando Bloom, we are truly killing the gentle, childlike innocence of the human spirit within.

Confused but aware.

This feeling will not go away .........

I'm Under the influence.

Ten Feet High

My life, Just when it's going well I smash it all in pieces I'm like A magnet to the ground, to everything that's creeping

What am I doing back here?I thought I'd finished with you But I'm starting again What am I gonna do now?Who do you really love now? Getting broken again

Your life And your covenant to lie that promise you'll be keeping, I'm sureI know Your every gritty move, it wakes me when I'm sleeping

What am I doing back here? I thought I'd finished with you But I'm starting again What am I gonna do now? Who do you really love now? Getting broken again

These situations are my own creation, A dark fascination, I want to be small againI lose concentration, you sense my vacation,A prime invitation, you're getting control again

What am I doing back here?I thought I'd finished with youBut I'm starting again What am I gonna do now? Who do you really love now? Getting broken again

-Lyrics : Andrea Corr

For Then Shall We Know.

Maybe honesty is hard

Well I know this for a fact.

To look inside and outside I deny.

Deny my honesty and my passions.

Deny all that is truth within me.

In order to remain stagnant.

In order to make it safe.

Safety is an issue.

Safety is our friend.

If we fail to talk it out.

We'll make it to the very end.

So can be said of love

And so can be said of religion.

So can the same be tossed like a crumb

to the foot of that city pigeon.

Hard to find,

You are on my mind.

But somethings different,

something has changed.

I fear to tell you for sake of emotions engaged.

"It's not you, It's me", Oh what an open lie that can be,

"I'm trying to figure this out" - -

Why can't I be honest

to you and me

but there is something in your eyes

those deep dark eyes

that when you dare look into mine

I can feel your affection and care.

Spinning in circles with a few extra voices in my head

I am wondering if you should stay the night or get out of my bed

Do I want you?, do I need you?, what am I feeling here.

Do I long for your love, or do I need some time alone?.

Oh this sick sad, horrible confusion.

A battle of my emotions.

A battle of my will.

A Battle to be less spoken

Until the time stands still.

For then shall I know....

Then shall we know.

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Strictly Buisness

Let's take a look at the situation here, I want to kick your ass and you want me out of the office; it's nearly as simple as that. Well with the inclusion of me wanting YOU out of the office as well. But the thing is that if we are both to be "Professionals", it would appear as though we've got to treat each other with a dose of respect . . . OH I'M SORRY :) you don't have any of that in you hon. I forgot that you only have abour 24% within you to respect others. Maybe outside of the workplace you'd be somebody easier to hang with, but I'd never really care to anyways .. so I guess we are stuck in the office together until you are either fired or I decide to resign.

It's been hell since day one and I always knew that you would make my life a living hell for nabbing the front desk. Ya see it's never been about respect between you and I [or at least on your end]. I've tried my damn near best to keep your anger at bay, I've internalized a lot of your insult and I've even allowed you to say and do some pretty fucked up and rude things to me. So in the end, if we are to argue about the things I said to you yesterday; hows about we just call me justified. No names to call .... strictly buisness Bitch ;)

The Zoo is for Animals

Something is wrong with me this afternoon, I've gone from feeling content; to feeling like I am about to slip into a depression. And depression is something that I don't have any time for right now. I'm simply too focused on ... someody that I'm getting closer to ... and I don't know if I should be. I'm starting to fall, and it's something that I'm questioning. Am I ready, am I in a place right now where I should just surrender and enter a relationship?. I mean .... we're already in an untitled relationship, and I'm not sure if I want to title what it is that we are to each other right now. I like him, and I love his smile and the way I feel when we look into each other's eyes, and the way my body feels when he touches me, I just feel really good, it's like a high.

I don't know if it's this confusion, or if it's my job that is making me feel really .... oppressed. I can litterally feel my body held down like a black cloud has come over me and it's really an evil place. I hate it I havent felt this way since I met .. him. And something is odd today, something has come inside of me and shaken my happiness. It has disturbed all that was content for once and it has left me feeling like I'm sick and alone .... something is different, I feel scared. What the hell is this shit, I need to take control again and move on from this idea that something is wrong. But the truth is that I've got a co-worker who's just finished giving me attitude up the yin yang and now she's talking my head off and trying to look at my entry as I'm writing it. I'm so sick of people acting like baboons. I don't live in a zoo, the zoo is meant for animals. I feel really intense ...

Pain and Pride : The Root of all Jealousy.

Jealousy, it is perhaps one of the most unattractive sides to a relationship, friendship or companionship. The base ingredient is insecurity, the flour is mixed in with naive obsession, and the yeast is so sticky that it suffocates and destroys all who find themselves in this sad mix. The icing on the sweet causes poisoning and though you believe that it's all going to blow over, and you'll get your way ... you have just consumed your own toxin, one which leaves you all alone and keeps others away from you because this poison is contagious.

Such a recipe for relationships always ends in destruction, and it is through our pain and pride that we end up sticking through with it. The pain asks us to distance outselves away from the object of our affection, or the friend we love, and the pride commands us to continue hurting those we once trusted. This alone means that we create an environment for the pain to continue and the pride to feed the pain. Two such components can only destroy the innocence of the human spirit; as delicate and soft as it is.

But that's what makes it so easy to lash out, we are fearful of being pierced in the wrong way. Nobody wants their vulnerability to be taken advantage of and that is why we become jealous. We fear the moment when our emotions are put as second best to anybody else's needs, and in effect we create an irrational world that exsists only within our mind. We create reasons for why it must be that 'He did not look at me the same way that he did last night', or accusations against our mates toward what it 'really was that you were doing last night'. The sad truth about jealousy is that we admire the object of our affection so much that we fail to admire ourselves in the process.

Thus we must take a look at the importance of communication, and the value of a relationship. Jealousy does not make the victim right, for pain causes suffering in all who are affected by the host. But if we are attentive to the voice within and we do not deny ourselves the proper communication to stand against anything out of the ordainary within the lines of communication, hopefully two beings will learn to trust each other enough not to fall into jealousy and in doing so, we surrender our will to accept the mate in question. So in conclusion, if one were to ask "what makes a relationship successful", it could be of suggestion that surrender and trust are two of the most powerful components within the chemistry of a succsessful relationhip.

Nature, Time and wisdom

About a week or so ago I had my first ever psychic reading. This came unexpected by a new / future freind of mine here in town. She didn't even know me for four minutes before pulling out and verbalizing "You're a Leo/Virgo Aren't You?". How does one know such information?, she continued by telling me that I was very confused about who I am, and that I suffer from a great power struggle in my life. But that she saw great beauty in my middle age. She then continued to tell me that there was a woman with me; and that I hated this woman, and that there was a great power battle between us. She then continues to tell me that this woman depended on me and that this was a very sick relationship. As I looked inward to decode who this woman was talking about suddenly I became aware of who it was that we were talking about.

No it was not my mother, nor grandmother, nor sister, aunt, old friend, new friend or any other; but Z**a, my estranged cousin with whom I have had nothing to do with for over 3 years. With all stories of how we got to where we are aside, I was shocked to hear this woman tell me about Z**a like she knew her all along. She then continued by saying "She's a Scorpio isnt she?". And as I said yes she continued to tell me that Z**a was going to call me in the coming weeks, and that to answer my question, "No you do not want to persue this relationship again, if you do it'll kill you and bring you right back to where you left off from".

Such wisdom can only come from the devine, and though I was really quite scared of being probed so quickly from a perfect stranger. But in the end I have to say that I thank this woman for telling me whatsup. I think that there is a side of me which is afraid of the future because I do not want to be hurt or put into a situation that I cannot handle, like a wave over my head in a recurring dream that I've had for years, where all is at peace and suddenly there is a tidle wave coming from the sky and I wake up from under the water. I survive, I always survive but my skin stays soggy for a few and my lungs take time to recover from the suffocation of drowning myself in the sorrow of worry and change.

Thinking back upon the hours that scared me, I always have come out with a positive attitude toward the past. It's the future ... I question so often. Fear of the unknown shall we say. And I do try and embrace it, I really do but that always leaves my head so high in the air that when the shit hits the fan I become shell shocked and dizzy. The same can be said about my outlook on love, I think that I secretly fear it though I long for it. I fear the moment when my expiration date is up and he moves on from me because something better looking appears in the sunlight. And from the shadows he'll appear and I'll be left alone. I think that's one of my greatest fears in the world of love and relationships .... betrayal. And we've all been there before, but pain creates phobia. And I've become somewhat more on guard since Aaron and Kolt and the few others that I've dated before present.

(Insert stories of present, only to hide them in a passive/ no details kind of scentence) And he's shown me somewhat more how to trust and give in. I'm really enjoying his company, and though I cannot see the future of he and I, I'm not afraid because it feels quite natural. And somwhere in that nature I find peace. :).

All in good time my pretty.

Sometimes confusion works with us to decide what's best for us. When attraction is the confusion, one comes to a place where he or she must decide what they want from another individual. As it has been quoted in previous posts, love is not a game, but it is a lesson and a gift. Although I have not found love, I have met somebody sweet, kind and very cute. I don't kiss and tell, but I'll simply say that he and I get along quite well, but now I feel confused. I've tried for the better part of a year to hold myself far and away from being attracted to anyone, and more than anything else, from being intimate with another person after the scorning fire of betrayal experienced last summer with Aaron the asshole.

But now I feel like I can't fight myself any longer, this guy is really sweet, and I feel like I'm becoming more in tune with him as we spend days together. It's just, what happens after that first kiss?, like .... do we deny ourselves the scenario that we [hopefully] both feel a mutual attraction, or do we go akward like nothing ever happened. I'm pretty much settled on taking everything slowly, and I believe that with given time we will both learn to value each other and see who exactly we mean to one another. I don't want to wear my heart on a sleeve to anybody for fear of being held out for the laundry service agents; but I also feel like I don't want to let this one go in passive behaviour. All in good time my pretty, all in good time.

That's All

It's intense. The kiss, the lips, the bodies, the holding, the connection. Not since for a while did it feel of a thrill. And yet I've experienced something special with him. That's all ;).

The Path

I've been on this walk before, all you've gotta do is lock the door.

When your honesty makes you turn inward.

So that noman or woman can see you cry.

And to this your smile and unkissed lips, I can't deny,

That longing has brought us here, yet fear holds me back.

And so I'm saving secret kisses until it's hinted that,

I won't be hurt and you won't be mean

Something of a tragedy this persuit is left unseen.

And maybe you don't see it, and maybe that's unkind.

But the truth is that I see you, far and from behind.

And your smile makes me think

And your eyes make me smile

and your hug soothes my fear.

That wer'e only for a while.

So maybe I should take this path,

and maybe it's with you.

The songs once sung of yesterday

have nothing to do with you.

And as I write this melody, I ask of you one thing.

That you will never forget the night when you and I agreed to sing.

Future Examination.

Let's imagine that we're all dying in 23 days. We've only got from today until mid next month and we're not afraid of it. Instead we're reborn with a clean slated mindframe, and all of our fears toward the end are diminished. No we don't know how we're going to go, but we've recieved a letter from the devine telling us that for certain we only have 23 days left to experience physical, mental and emotional conciousness ; what are you going to do for the next 23 days?. Somehow relationships, friendships and experiences seem to become stronger when the hourglass begins to turn over. Why is it that we cannot appreciate our loved ones with the same attention that we would give unto the dying?. That's just a question that I am posing for future examination.

Guarded but defeated.

My eye is bothering me again this morning. I didnt wake up with it swollen shut, but it is still infected with some kind of .... something unfortunate. I think I caught something on my flight to Phoenix because last week I had this really fucked up "allergy" in my left eye. I figured that it was because I'd been sleeping by the air conditioning machine for a few nights there, but now with a visit to the doctor I am convinced that it was something else. So to be honest, I've been embarrassed to visit friends and family now that I am back based on this infection. I did however stop by a freind's job yesterday because I wanted to see him.

I got seriously lonely in Arizona, though I had my co-workers and fellow students along my side; there was an emptiness in the atmosphere when I would go for a drink in the Clarion Hotel lobby. Something was missing, something important .... me. I was missing from the equasion in Arizona in great part due to my not wanting to be there, and now happy to have been taken away from my surroundings and thrown into an environment of controlled schedule and agenda. It simply did not coordinate with my present stance in life.

I've been feeling more so lately than ever that I need a serious scene change. My friends that I've hung out with since day one are still gone, and those that I have met in my first year up here are showing me such a lack of support and such a presence of control and manipulative behaviour, that I am feeling the desire to move on and move out. In the end, I am not truly satisfied with anything at the present moment. I'm feeling very odd about my job, I'm feeling very antsy about my family and my friends. Ultimatley I'm feeling very out of touch with myself and that worries me. I don't feel very strong right now, and that scares me because my guard has been weakened to the axe throwes of everyday life.

Mother Time

Friday:

Wake up, swing a bag, run out the door. Head to training .... watch that clock swing by like lightning until 2pm. Suddenly the clock is moving a minute an hour and I am becoming more aggitated than ever before. Somehow this clock won't move fast enough for my needs to get back on the airplane and fly the hell home. Starting last Monday I learned what it is to want to be home so badly that you would feel the temptation to quit a job in order to do so. Training went .... as it needed to be. But there will be no such denial in my admitting to feeling so horribly alone and bored and frustrated with my job as I felt over the past week.

Saturday: I'm back home and I brought with me a naughty little souvinere ..... an eye infection !. So I find myself stuck in urgent care for the morning / early afternoon awaiting the doctor. From that point, I go to a local coffee spot and grab a mexican mocha. Run into an old Itallian client of mine and we talk about religion and politics for an hour or more. I leave to find myself in Buffalo Exchange ..... $35.00 spent and an irritated eye later I'm back on the 51 heading toward Albertson's to pick up the perscription that my "doctor" hesitated to fax over for me. Once it's picked up .... I drop those fuck'n tears in my eye like Tammy Faye during a conversion.

Sunday: I'm in a state of mind. I don't want to devulge. Normally I would .... but today I can't. For there eyes were watching us and my ears cannot deafen to the bold stereotype of a writer's curse. To be known, to be questioned. It's all in a day. I don't think that I have quite properly adjusted back to normal life since Friday. My eye is kind of keeping me away from feeling normal, simply because I feel like a mess. I talked to a lot of people on the phone last night, including my soon to be former boss. I'll miss her a lot, she's been a great friend to me in the office, and I'll always remember her as my first truly great boss. During my stay in Phoenix, I met my potential new boss. It'a guy from our call center, who seems pretty chill, but also kind of quiet, maybe even shy. Not too bad really as long as he lets me do my thing and I don't bother him when he does his. And then we've got that third link in the office .... a problematic figure who will just have to be dealt with in time.

At the present moment, my life is approached with a sense of disatisfaction and irritation. Am I ready to move on?, and will I find a better life elsewhere?. I feel restless and rawled up by the past week. Was it my meeting the president of my company, was it the new sales system?. Was it me ..... perhpas realizing that I am not cut out for this industry; that my heart is in another industry all together. Yes I am having an affair, for as I make sales in this bedroom, I'm dreaming of a lifelong love affair with another industry all together. But perhaps this man's body will teach me a lesson. How do fight, how to win .... this affair will never be my new version of an original sin. So in the end .... all that I can do is call upon mother time. Maybe she'll help me out on some decision making or to come to peace with the chaos.