A Crappy Top Ten for 2007 ......

As the year comes to a conclusion I feel compelled to write something to honor the lessons that I've learned in 2007. Some highlights may include the following :



#10 - Don't smoke from pipes of strange people that you do not know, especially when it's in a dark alley on the side of a gay bar.



#9 - Don't drink too many $1.00 well drinks, and follow them up with half a pack of American Sprits (yuck)



#8 - Don't spend $50.00 on a "hair trim"; and more than that, don't believe a "hair trim" means change.



#7- Always remember to hold yourself accountable for crimes committed against your friends and family. Do not deny your own evil, but also do not allow others to walk over you.



#6 - Do not trust your co- workers for they will step all over you and put smiles on to cover up the dirt they brought into your life. Your job is not your life ! - don't stress the bullshit.



#5- Confronting your ex is not a bad thing especially when you claim yourself again from the pain they caused to you in the year previous. Your voice is precious and your heart becomes truly untouchable once you have poured holy salt across the door step to keep the invaders from crawling back in.



#4- Making amends really counts. Giving up the pride and allowing others back in teaches us all a lesson of humility. Forgiveness is essential; but forgetting is not an option. Once you have given an act of forgiveness, it is essential to keep that unharmed by not holding any grudges. It's a selfless act but somebody has to do it.



#3- When we open our hearts to love, it will find us. Searching will open this door but it does not always find your lover. We fall may times before we succeed; however it is important to get up again when we fall.



#2- Being brave when it comes to finding a mate. Learning how to talk to "hot strangers" landed me a hot boyfriend. Sure you're kind of putting your ass on the line, but if a great conversation comes out of it then you've already completed step one.



#1 - Remember all such lessons and never forget them. Carry them with you into the new year and condition them so that they grow stronger. Take not your fears of the past into the present, and allow for people to prove themselves to you; rather than proving yourself to the world. Voice your needs, defend your self and aim toward success in all goals and endeavours.

HIV Pt.2

It was all just a dream ..... Right ?

This morning I had a dream. In this dream myself and my boyfriend were in Po****** and some how Cree showed up. For those of you who do not remember, this boy named Cree once treated me with one of the greatest disrespects ever. He was "the other man" and he took pride in it. I remember saying hello to his young man, the first time that I'd ever met him and he told me "Dont talk to me, you're white". Being drunk at the time I stupidly laughed it off, but thought to myself "wait a second you racist little twirp ...". It was shortly followed by an entire evening of him putting me down racially and interrupting me mid scentence. This boy - is 23 years of age, the same as myself. Treating me like an ignorant 2 year old who missed his baba.

Cree and J****** met last summer on the same day that I met J******* in August. A friendship was made between the two of them. I've tried my best not to let anything get to me - but some how I feel like Cree is going after my boyfriend. J****** once even told me that Cree wanted to fool around with him recently. I tried my best to take the news as an act of trust asking my boyfriend "well you told him that you were with somebody right?", and though he said that he did, I questioned weather or not he wanted to or not. So in my dream this morning, Cree was standing with no clothes on butunderwear and J******* and I walked into his house, Cree then began this child like baby laugh with flapping eyelids and grabbed my boyfriend from my arms, he then kissed J****** right before me as I began to panic, Cree began to laugh. J****** seemed confused but also intrigued by the kiss and leaned in for another one. At this point of my dream I tried to grab my boyfriend back but cree turned to me saying "leave, you have no place here". And that is when in my dream I began to cry and feel rage. I then took J****** back and kissed him, he seemed to know that he was with me, so he kissed me back. But then Cree came back at him ..... this is when Iwoke up with tears in my eyes.

I've tried my best not to let their friendship intimidate me, but I don't trust Cree at all. Am I out of line?, am I being jealous?, or should I feel like I have a value over this boy, this creature that once took another boyfriend away from me. This boy who showed no hesitation to treat me like shit based on the color of my skin, this boy who told me to shut up mid scentence .... this boy. I hold a love for my boyfriend, and I will not control his friendships, I will trust him to do the right thing - but I do not trust his friend Cree.

It Must Be Botox

So in 2005 Tori Amos came out with this CD called The Beekeeper, there was something noticably different about her face, I just could not locate it. Something ... different. In 2007 Tori Amos came out with a new record called American Doll Possee, something very different had happened to her face - this time I realized that it must be botox. You decide ....


(Tori Amos in 2002, Scarlets Walk promo appearance in the UK)


(Tori Amos Blender.com interview 2007. Mind the wig, her face looks odd !)

Don't get me wrong I love this woman and her message, her music and her personality but I've grown fearful that she has taken an appreciation to botox.

I Quit.

So here's a little story about a boy who entered into a new job. He struggled and fought but found that it was not worth it. The company that gave him a health plan also took away so much of his natural happiness and free spirit. He didnt want to quit because then he'd lose him home, his freedom and his sense of presence. But when he met his ne boss, he looked him in the eye; somehow he knew this was not going to be a healthy realtionship. The new boss spoke the national language of corporate power; though he claimed to be an anarchist. The beast that he had to co work with called him names and tried to get him fired. He had no clue that a single office in bum fuck America could be so cruel. He had a choice - excel and rise in a job that he didnt give a shit about to begin with. Or fall and crumble bringing everyone down with him. Somewhere inside of him he felt his darkness arrive; that special place in all of us that we hide every day. We dont want to see it not listen to it but it's there. And it shows itself when we've been kicked down for so long. That anger longs to rise from the depths of the sea, and when it recieves one breath of air - that is all that it takes to give it a voice, show it some flesh and allow it to walk into the world you once treated as equal. But now you have to rise above it and sometimes it's required that you kick some ass along the way. To become emotionless is the only way to rise. This is my Jessica, my evil willow ... this is me saying ..... I QUIT.

Forgive us our tresspassors.

The act of forgivness demands us to no longer act out upon pain and suffering. This is not an easy task when one is dancing in the ring of fire. Pain in itself is both horrible yet addicting. For when we see ourselves as the victim to another's actions, we in turn become the enemy. A man cannot stand rightious in his victimhood for that state of mind will only allow him to stand apart from his fellow beings. In truth we are called to unite with one another and work through that pain and suffering. If only we could understand this formula, if only it made sense; if only our emotions did not control us to travel great lengths in order to hurt one another.

A few weeks ago I emailed Jael and Ellen [if you need reference, you can see my summer post "Dear Ellen"]. I told them how I was sorry for the actions and words which I activley used in order to separate myself from the two of them. Clearly I was intimidated, but one can not deny their source of pain and worry. And when that is not recognized by the other party; one may be driven to scream it out loud from the cliffside and to the shore. That's what I did, that's what drove us three apart and brought those two closer together.

Now that I am in my own relationship, I can truly see what it is to care about somebody more than yourself. And in that I can see that attraction and commitment mean the world to any man or woman who longs for a meaningful connection. At the end of the day - humans long for the essence of connection, the core to the meaning and the fruit of it's bearings. We find it in so many ways. Weather we find this connection through spirit, drugs or the body; man kind will always be on the search to connect to the source.

So who was I to really judge my two friends for finding that connection in each other?. This was the question that brought me to contacting them after a year of silence. I wrote them two seperate emails and told them both that I was sorry for the feelings of jealousy and betrayal which drove me to take the actions that I did in an attempt to destroy their relationship together. In the end my efforts only brought them closer together, which is a lesson in itself of physics. In the end, I feel peace within knowing that I have forgiven them. I feel as though I have grown to a degree, I feel the love I once had for them again.

Yesterday I spoke with Ellen on the telephone. Unfortunatley she wanted to bring up the uglies again and talk about the "he said / she said" business again. In my intellect, I knew it was not an area that I needed to touch on, but for her she needed closure on a few disputed/different stories that she'd been holding on to for the year. I could have argured with her again, for there were about two accusations against me which I can honestly say are fully untrue. I allowed for her to voice herself, and I did not argue back. There are some things which we can internally sacrifice when we know we are in the right. Others can think horrible of us, but if we are honest to our own actions- we hold the sacred flame of peace in our hearts.

This is just .... you decide.

Hillarious, or disturbing ?. I'm not sure.

Not Again.

I'm afraid of the things I need to say because I dont want you to take them wrong. I am fearful to be vulnerable because I don't know that you know how to help me. Some days I need a saviour, I need to be held - but I'll never ask you because I don't want to be a needy being. I often wonder if I appear as strong to you or if you think I'm easy. I sometimes worry to myself that you see me as a time passer. Is any of this real?, do you really feel?. Today I can't stop thinking of how easily I could lose you. The proposition fom your father to move you back home is tearing my ears apart, my inability to trust the future scares me beyond compare. Somehow in times like these I feel as though it's best to be silent and not let you know what I fear most - losing this connection. Is that old news?, are we over it?, do we care anymore?. I still need to know that I mean something to you more than a man that cooks and cleans and rubs your shoulders at the end of the day. I need to know that you appreciate me, I need to know that I am special. I need to know that this means as much to you as it does to me. There is nothing even to worry about, I dont want to bring this up because it will cause a fight and I can't handle that .... not again. I die everytime you are upset with me, I die inside because I don't have anything else to fight for, and when you are not around I feel empty. So please tell me you'll stay, and hold me tonight because I feel like a child inside. Don't want mommy to die, scared of the dark, don't lie to me ; darling please don't break my heart. Just tell me that you love me, tell me that you care, tell me this means everything to you, tell me "don't be scared". And hold me, just hold me. Protect me as I long to fight for you from the evil outside. Let me know something - for work is of the nothing if not seen like the blind.

If you got it you'd laugh.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ! OMG blah blah?, well blah blahb lahb blah blah !. Haahhaahahahaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Awwwww Tori Amos everybody ! Tori Fuck'n Amos !

So this is what Tori looks like without the Doll Posse get up.

I personally feel really happy when I see these pictures.

It gives me hope that Tori is not just a character, but rather a real person.

She's been doing the glam thing for so long now that I've lost a bit of vision for her.

But when I see candid's like this it reminds me of the awesome alterna-rocker

that I fell in love with in the 1990's. If only she'd play music in her regular clothes again

and not all of this "designer picked" tour get up that she started with Scarlet's Walk in 2002.

Cut my skin to find me new.

So many skinny, beautiful, flawlessly built, flat chested and hairless young men around me. All of my friends, my boyfriend and the lot ... why was I not born this way?. Why am I surrounded by these greek demi gods?. I am happy with myself, but sometimes I too see these men and wonder why I was not blessed with their natural abs, high cheeks and clear complexions. These boys who walk with their shoulders back in confidence because they know they are petite enough to look amazing. These boys haunt me because I wish I were like them. And when I see my naked body in the mirror, I don't see anything more than an average body with baby fat on it, broad chest, love handles and pale chubby arms. I need to change this, how will I ever be like those boys?. Even my boyfriend has their body .... it's genes goddammit. And it's not fair that I'm an average pig.

Verbal Vomit

That's it, I'm fed up. I don't even want to try anymore. I am too tired to give an inch of a cock touch toward my customers needs aymore. I hate customer service work and I hate my job. I'm tired of this office right now. I need a vacation like a blood transfusion. I'm dying in here. This place is sucking the me out of me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like an alien has taken over my mind as all I do is worry about customers. All that I've done since the begining of this job is worry, worry, worry. I am always on the chop block, I could lose my job on any given day, I'm stressed out in every sense of the word and I am becoming really angry.

The mere soud of a telephone call from a customer makes my blood boil. I am so sick of STUPID FUCKING students and RUDE faculty and shitty bosses with tempermental co workers. What ever happened to me?, my dreams, my life, my goals. Did I ever have any?. I don't think I do, that or I do not believe in them enough to even try. I don't think that I am worthy of the success that I long for. I think that I am stuck in the mind frame that I am to take what is given to me and to love it like there is no tomorrow. Well I am loving my job like I'd love to be raped. This sucks and I can't get away from it. I'm not asking to leave from it, BUT I need a week off from this god damned office. I cant even catch a breath.

I am trying to quit smoking as well, and thats becoming harder as the days roll on. I'm staying at home with my boyfriend more often which is nice. It helps me stay out of trouble (cigarettes at bars). I just feel like all I do is work. I am working for this relationship, I am working to pay the rent, I am working to keep my job, I am working to be happy, I am working to stay sane ... I am really stressed out and eventually I am going to break. I need reinforcement, some kind of support to homd me up when I stumble. Luckily last night J****** showed me some of that support by lending me an ear to my complaints and fears. This is something that I need every now and again. I can't go at this alone, I am fighting to remain human here and I really need a rest. I'm tired, I am on the go go go go go go go go go.

I'm out of touch with my family, I am always complaining on this blog. I am tired of being out of control. I need to take control and quit accepting un due crap that comes my way. It's like junk mail, why would I keep every piece of junk mail that came to my door?. I toss it as I recieve it, so why am I not doing the same. Or why is it that I have NEVER seen the bigger picture?. I am so focused on the details that I cannot see the big picture in front of me. What the hell does that even look like?. I am becoming more so angry as I am writing this because I am fucking frustrated with myself I think I am a fucking idiot. I'm not doing it right, I am not doing anything right. No I'm doing something right. I am fighting for love, while keeping a job that I hate in order to be responsible and support myself. Thats positive.

I'm bummed out that I missed the Tori Amos show in Oakland last weekend. All of my friends went but I didnt. It's not so much that I am jealous of them, but I feel like I needed something fun to do. Something to make me happy and break away from all the responsibility and anger. All of the fear, all of the anxiety I wish it away. I need to feel free again and this job is really holding me down. I also have a horrible fear of losing my boyfriend. Either to another man or to him just calling it quits. I suppose that comes from my notion that we have to work to make things last. And I am working hard on him. I'm just tired and I need for him to take the wheel for a minute so that I can breathe.

I'm betting on the idea that everything is going to be okay. But I also need for somebody to let me know that I am correct in thinking that way. I'm not a service man to the world, rather the world should be my greatest resource for joy, information and gain. I should not have to give myself away to every customer, my boss, my co workers .... I dont owe them a thing. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired.

Smoke

I feel completely antsy this afternoon as there is nothing to do at work. And yet I feel really scared of my boss because of him writing me up last week for "slacking off". To be honest he's really begining to get under my skin, I felt really upset over that one and by his passive/aggressive behaviour. Yet Da****** shows up to work each morning late and I've heard nothing about a write up for her. So where is the justice in this?. I'm actually growing resentful toward him. I understand that I was not right in taking personal time to overcome stress, but I feel as though rules are being bent for Da****** because a tree fell on a part of her house. I'm not trying to get her in trouble, but I'm really sick of being the only one to get in trouble. And when I feel like this, I get a truly "fuck all" attidtude toward the arena.

I've always dealt with this sort of shit, and it's because I honestly dont give a fuck when the shit hits the fan. When I feel like shit I add to the pile and thats not good. But the truth is that I'm damn fucking near sick of being blamed for all the wrong. Somehow my mother keeps coming up when it comes to this one. And I do not know what good it does to say this but I find myself tired as well of getting all the blame for all of the things that my siblings do. Or how about all of the times when I was a kid and I took the blame of my cousin and the back hand of his father for the crap my cousin would pull.

I'm stressed and ...

God damn it I want a cigarette. I won't but I'm craving (thats sick isnt it). Will power will save me.

The Tower.

I just asked the cards if I should go to California this weekend and it said something about my future with the tower card. I have only heard ugly things about this card. I have only heard of people cringing over that card and ofcourse I am freaking out. It says that it's in the near future and that I need to be ready for changes. So I'm ... trying not to believe it. I'm actually getting scared of how much I am using Tarot cards these days. It is as though I am so out of control that I need these damn things to control me. And that is where I never wanted to be. So I ill have to find myself back to square one and make myself ignorant to them. Afterall the truth of it is that they do not mean anything unless you allow them to. Much like any other force of energy or power out there. So I will simply not allow this one to take me over. Unfortunatley my mind wors in such a way that this has bee recorded and now I believe it, much like I believe in most anything because I am horribly gullable.

Truth in success :

Today my horoscope says a confrontation is coming my way. I feel like Tru Calling here as I am trying to keep my eyes and earsout for who it is and when. Tomorrow I am probably going to head over to Oakland CA for a Tori Amos show. I'll probably be back home by Tuesday. Luckily my boss is being cool about me taking a few days off. The only thing is that I'm so stressed out and worn down that I don't even feel like I should be going down there for any reason.

I need to take control again over a few minor aspects of my life in order to make proper change. I need to attain a driver's license and buy a car. I need to have my house blessed and cleanse myself of negative energy through some kind of conselling. I feel as though the events of this week have left me feeling quite a void of power and direction. My job has suffered, my relationship has mended but my spirit is still healing.

Positivity can exsist even when we are at our lowest state of being. Conciousness does not have to be stress. But stress is such a present energy within our working, living and love lives. All that I seek is peace in all places. I do not like confrontation, I don't take much of a stand for myself when I believe there is something to lose. I see myself as unbalanced, because I have to hold myself back from arguing ... I somehow think that I'll either become too upset or I will go for the kill and ruin it all.

Work is driving me crazy. The more than my customers want, the more I want to flip out. I go crazy every time a customer asks me something stupid or repeats the wrong answer to me. My eating habits have gone so far off that I've put on about 10 pounds in 4 months, I must weigh about 175 now compared to the 140 I weighed last December. I do feel quite disgusting about that. Too many drinks and too much fatty food. Nothing natural and yet I feel like it's the one thing I can control but in the opposite directon. In the past I'd stop eating fo control, but that was because I lived a very seldom life. No job, a very open schedule, I had plenty of time to focus my energy on losing weight and controlling my intake. But now that I am working full time, and my life is spinning in circles, I feel as though I am rebelling against those old habits and I am eating whatever I want and whenever. And that has added a lot more me to me.

I am the director to the film that is my life. I should not accept foul play or bad actors or else my film will not be a success. I also have to take care of myself in order to make sure that everybody else recieves the best of me. This tells me that I do not see any value in myself. This tells me that I am allowing disaster to take place because I am too scared to save the world. If I wait too long for everything to feel safe.... maybe my dreams will never come true. Honest and real success come to those who took risks and put their fear on the back burner.

That Burning Wont Stop.

Tomorrow is Friday and all that I can say is get me to the fucking finish line NOW!. This week has been nothing but emotionally unstable, wreckable and disasterous. Now that everything seems to be in the clear with J******, tomorrow is his birthday and I'm wondering what to do for him. My Boss wrote me up yesterday without warning me of putting that policy into use, and threatened termination of employment if I do not make changes. On top of that I'm still recovering from the argument that Jonathan and I had over the week. Now I find myself having bits of free foating anxiety and panic attacks often. Offset by thoughts and memories. The truth is that J******* and I did not really resolve anything. We just sort of slept together and called it even. And that leaves me thinking, "Does he even like me anymore?". Because one of the last things he said to me before we diverted the conversation was "I dont see you the same way that I used to anymore, and it's going to take some time for me to like you again". So what's going on ?, and as I think about it, I get that burning feeling in my chest again like the death of a family member has just been reported to me. What is going to happen?. Why wont this burn heal?

Death is your gift.

I feel completely dead inside. I got a write up at work today for having a bad day yesterday. My boyfriend and I are on break up road. I want to work it through but somehow I dont have the energy to fight prideful accusations. My friends are sick, a girl I know just had to witness an excorsicm. I'm using Tarot cards and I'm pretty sure that my life is in chaos at this point. I think that it is important to take the wheel again ... and this time I dont know what direction to go in. I'm tempted to move out of this god forsaken town again. Leave this apartment which holds sad memories and go to some place new. Maybe I'll change my name and start a new life. Maybe I'll be a hooker on Santa Monica BLVD. Maybe I'll just die tonight and wake up in a dream tomorrow where everything is as I wanted it to be. All relationships work out, no sicknesses are to result. No emotions are blown out of porportion. All jobs mean nothing and the only thing that matters is love. So where is love ?. I feel so judged and punished from the one I care most, I feel so lost in the battle now that I can't pick my body up from on the ground. I do feel completely alone again ... and alone is the last place I wanted to be. Somewhere out there I don't believe that God intended for me to find a mate. So many humans example a style of living, sex before love, love conditioned by sex. Is there anybody else out there who will see me for me and respect my values?, who will let me love them and not call me a freak. Oh you sick circumsised world, cut off from all true ties. Oh you sad grave dissapointment, a life so full of lies. Nothing is perfect; this I do know, but tell me why do I feel so all alone. I scream to the sky "God wontyou throw me a bone". I've been chastized and let down, I've accepted to seek through. But somehow, sometime .... I have to let this die. I'm dying inside and it's like suffocation .... I'd like to trust again but this story just re affirms to me that nothing ever works out. It will always die ... always.

Morbid Curiosity

I'm standing in the wind with tears building in my eyes.
Cold rain, whipping, dripping ;cascading upon my cheeks.
Chill, freeze and sorrow.
You won't see me tomorrow.
Standing cliffside and through the clouds I see
something more than you, and someone more like me.
Is this boat still standing, oh why wont it whisk me away.
Save me from this aweful ground, sweep me far, far away.
Take me on a holiday.

Turn around, back to the gael.
Wonder if this boat will ever set sail?.
The wind settles, knees in shackles.
Worries free and sorrows settled.
Something special about the moment
when I gave up on hope
Took my life upon a rope.
Settled sail .....
The finale to this tale.

Untitled

SAVE ME !

YOU MOTHER FUCKER !

JUST FUCKING SAVE ME !!

SAVE ME FROM THIS PAIN !

THESE THOUGHTS !

THIS LET DOWN !!

AND THEY SAY THAT GOD IS ON MY SIDE

WELL WHRE IS THAT GOD WHEN EVERYONE HAS DIED

Because I'm tired of waiting for somebody to love me.
And I'm tired of feeling alone.
I know they say your family loves you.
But there are always too many needs.
Needs ... needs ... needs .... NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS !

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE

I'M BEING PUNISHED HERE

YOU DONT SEE IT

HOW CAN YOU SEE IT

PUNISHMENT

ANGER

PUNISHMENT

IM HUMAN

DONT THREAT

DONT THREAT

Numb, Cold and Lonely

Just when you think it's al going well, your actions cause a tidle wave of betrayal and hurt. Where do we draw the line though?. Last night I confessed to my boyfriend that I'd had a few smokes as of late and he quickly got off of the phone with me. Moments later I am swarmed with messages of his being angry at me, upset and let down ... and then he told me not to be surprised when he cheats on me. . .

These words are stting on my chest as I try to justify his anger and let go of my own pain, and yet I can't do it. A smoke versus infidelity- you choose the draw here for I cannot see the connection. I understand that I made a promise to him not to smoke anymore and I've done damn well of it. Somehow I figured that one or two smokes was not "the breakdown", that if he were to ask me how I was doing with it, I'd tell him the truth but not flaunt around saying "Oh I smoked a cigarette with my guinness tonight !!". I'm trying so hard to work on his end with this one but I can't go there at the moment, I can't make myself out as the bad guy again when all I have ever done is try for this boy. I've even given up worrying; until now.

Last night as I walked all over downtown to clear my thoughts I began to talk out loud to myself. I'm scared to ask him to talk to me for I feel as though he's going to tell me "it's over". And although I am trying to project good energy upon it, I feel a sunken ship within like he's going to let me down. God help me, God help me, God help me ...

Last night I did not sleep at all. I layed there with tears in my heart but nothing on my face. Fears of being alone again raped my will to be optimistic. I prayed out to a God I once knew and asked for a guide ... somebody to love me. For if I can't love myself and my attemtps to show love for another have faild me yet again - then where is my love?. I am convincing myself that I'm not worthy of it because it's never here long enough to hold me in its warmth. I an't breathe, my lungs are hollow and my chest is heavy again. And somehow I am preparing my heart for the worst because I don't know if I'll win. . . I'm too tired to fight today.

The hardest part is that I do not want to move on. I don't want this to end, I want it to work out. Without details I'll be honest that I feel a bit hurt by him that he won't see me for me in this situation and I am now begining to feel taken for grantid. Because I've done all in my power, I've given my finances and I've shared more of myself with this guy than anybody ever allowed me to before. And yet last night ... last night I felt so much spite coming from him. A threat and a scauld - I'm not a child here and emotions should not be punished. Nobody is right or wrong in an argument it is only moral or immoral. Yes ... smoking is not healthy, perhaps I didn't think it was that big of a deal to have one. But now he's questioning my authenticity ... and this is one that I'll just have to deal with. God this fucking hurts .... it hurts because it's numb, cold and lonely in here.

The Power of No.

I have allowed myself not to dwell on the little things anymore. I've told myself that "It's bullshit" and that one should not dwell upon the imagination for too long. And though there is so much of me that lives within the imagination I hve to believe in my power over the mind to get me through the lonely, hard and insecure times.

Last night as he left my apartment from a week together, I felt sad, alone and scared. Why did goodbye for now feel so bad. And why was it that I felt my fears whispering ino my ear all of the stories they once told. Why did I feel as though he didnt want to be around me. Why was I imagining him running off to make a phone call to a secret boy on the side and why did I allow myself to sit up nearly in tears for about 45 minutes. The truth is that I felt alone again for the first time in a week and it took 2.1 seconds for me to miss him like all hell again.

But the truth is that everything is beautiful and nothing is wrong. So I allowed for those thoughts to take place and I allowed myself to think them through with the knowledge that it was not real at all. Nothing is real until make into reality. I am starting to belive more so than ever that our thoughts conduct our reality. So I must stop allowing my insecurities and my negativity run the show. I believe in this relatonship, I've always been willing to work through anything in order to make it work. There is only one thing that I will not work with and that it betrayal of the heart and flesh.

So te lesson I am teaching myself is to surrender my control through not believing my mind. I've submitted my will toward a sense of "let it flow" and not worry. This has opened trust between J******* and I. We're more open than ever, and I feel a great success in this so far. I am also having to learn how not to fear voicing myself, and choose my battles. In the begining I felt as though I had to knit pick every "issue". Well every issue is not worth fighting, and every word is not worth breaking down. Sometimes we just have to accept what simply is the moment in order to work through it. And often times we learn that the outcome we feared, does not come through if we do not project it. So let's stop projecting the outcome and our mind will un-learn how to create it. This is the powerof No.