Losing Friends and Gaining Enemies.

Dear Ellen,

I miss you. But I dont like you much. You've pissed me off beyond all else. And I know why. It's because Iwent against you and you decided to act like a 17 year old again [which you are]. And though the memories are beside us .... I still think about you like you were my friend sometimes. And when I think of all the bullshit that went down between us and the lies that tore us apart ... I think to myself "I would not have done that that same had I known where it would bring us today". But then I think about the strength that our breakup gave me. I think about how you taught me how to hate, and how to feel rage crawl from my fingertips toward the wall where it ended in a wall; smashed with conclusion.

And then I think about how I purposly dropped bombs upon us. How I killed us. How I knew I had to when I saw your new French army coming onto my beach. You cannot settle here. You cannot know me. And yet I want to know you. I miss you as my friend ... I miss making you laugh and talking shit about the world between us. I miss you -- but as long as he's around I cannot trust you. For I know your'e turned on by this fued. And I know you're nature is to draw us apart. I don't know if I have forgiven him yet, but I think he's better in my book than you are. Somehow I think to myself -- who is the true enemy in all of this ? me, you, him or all of us?.

Questioning the past I look into my actions and I'll admit that they weren't pretty. I'll admit that my words were meant to spite you two and that I didnt ever intend for your love to continue past my diesire to ruin it. But when my secrets fell from your mouth to his ear ... I knew that it was time for you to die. And so I decided to ruin you, I decided to kill you in my mind and in my heart. I could not let you linger within me - so I killed you un my heart. I will have you know that I never said a single thing to him about your past, I'll have you know that your secrets remained in tact until 3rd parties leaked what information they knew through over hearing telephone conversations between us. I'll have you know he's a liar, I'll have you know he's slandered me the same way I'll do to you until you can understand me again. I'll have you know what I am still angry with you for all of this and that it unsettles me to know that you're still in my mind. For I have lost a great friend in you and gained an even stronger enemy.

Until you happen to stumble upon this post; sincerely,

__________ _________

Judgement Day

I'd like to know my theme if I had one. One mantra to get me through my twenties. One song to get me through the day. A day alone. One day to become. I'd like to place a kiss upon faith and embrace myself. I'd rather sing than speak. I think it's funny how we punish ourselves for being human. I find it kinda sick that we hate ourselves for being different and yet we starve just to fit in. And yet here we are writing again. And yet who was I to judge you for being fat, when all I did was stuff my face full of chocolate and pie.

Em-homo Revolution.

They who are them. And all that goes with it.

The bottle in the pocket and the rage that hits to miss it.

Kisses mean something when all else is lost.

Boys with sexy haircuts ; kissing for a co$$t.

Kissing babies, tickle my boy. Fickle as it may be you're just a prodding toy.

The King Of The Frown

It's all done. The food. The intake. The Fat. It's still here and it's still growing. The control is gone. The friends are gone. The alchohol doesnt fuck me anymore. The air isnt so clear. The cats dont make me sneeze. The boys still make me jealous. The emptiness still stenches in my chest cave. The fat oozes out from my hips like butter on garlic bread. Your breath still makes me sick. My insecurity kills the moment. Sitting at tables alone. Looking at the children play ; while I secretly hate them for their loudness. But what such freedom has become of me to sit alone and linger; to think but not to act. To sing but not to feel. To feel this numbed pain but not to rid it of my mind. Give not unto your darling pains and freedom but find yourself a new seed to grow. And fly out on rugs tomorrow for this -- is all we know. The food, the pain. The food and gain. Weight. Sadness. Insecure yet proud. Fat but happy. Happy yet alone. Bring me down, bring me down, bring me down. down. down. down. down. Shall we welcome to town -- the king of frown.

Old Memories Make For Present Day Longing.

A year on and for some reason I am thinking of you.
The nights of holding you in my arms.
Soft kisses upon my lips in the morning.
Empty emotions in the weeks to come.
Memories beside us.
You should be scrtatched from my reality.
But you were the closest person I met to finding an "other".
And yet here I am a year on, writing you this silly - stupid woe poem.
I would have invested in you.
If only I could get the best of you.

Hell now why do I write this
Hell can't see why my life is.
So empty without you.
Empty without you.
So lonesome without you.
So pretty without you.
So loveley without you.
So strong without you.
So free without you.

The sure and honest truth in all this.
is that I'm a simple boy that longs for his kiss.
I dont care who he is.
or where he lives.
I am alone
and I need to feel
like somebody to love.
Just so that I can heal.

Noted : Back From California

After a 5 day break in California I am feeling a bit more content than I did last week. I am however; feeling an odd need for the idea that I'd like to see that Aaron guy again. I am trying to discern if it's a real desire or rather if it is a sentimental hole which should be filled by alchohol and anger toward him. Beyond Aaron I am feeling somewhat angry at a few old friends again. I don't know why - well for the blonde I can understand but for the black I am feeling a bit of an odd displacement.

Drunken Masturbation

Drunken masturbation is fun !.

Even if you're in the same room as someone.

Embrace it, don't taste it.

Sniff it to live it.

Drink it to love it.

Love it to do it.

Aaron

The worst thing about it all is that I miss you. Or the memories of you which still linger in the back of my mind from time to time. Naked in your bed, your lips upon my flesh. The sense of security as I'd lay there in your stupid and impish arms. The pain you caused me when I asked you to be my own; only to be rejected for another man. And then the list went on. But somehow I didnt get over you. Somehow I still think that you'll save me. . .

Boy

Somehow when the emo boys start kissing all the "homophobe" lines cross toward acceptance in the female balance. But when you're sitting in your filth and the stomach begins to rot -- all you can think about it cutting into your flesh. What's it like to be that boy ?, to kiss and love any man you wanted to ? and to get away with it based on being a "rockstar". Your so pretty the way you are........

Sometimes I look at you and it makes me realize how secure in my own skin. For if I were as beautiful as you were I would have to fuck the city. And if I were as cute, funny, confident and fake as you were -- I would have to sign my life away to an image that I'd never really live up to. Oh you funny little emo boy ..... who claims to love the boys but really fucks the gals. What a funny little emo boy who fucks the boys .---. but only when they're a size zero. Oh you funny little emo boys .... American rejects couldn't even win you.

It's the boys like you who make my cock grow hard and my heart sink to hell. It's boys like you who make these legs shake with confusion. Spread like an eagle on your bed -- rejection comes 'round my corner. Was it self fulfilled or was it your doing ?. No I've never had a chance -- yes you're just too skinny to be real; and no I will not be your man. You make me vomit on the inside .... you make me lash out from beneath. I hide, I hide, I hide, Hide .... my eyes.

Quick glances. Second chances ----- never come. Never cum ..............................................

I hate you more than I hate me.

And I just want to let you know that boy. Because thats all you are ..... all you are.

Frame

So tired this morning. I don't think I get enough sleep anymore. The only positive thing [which I struggle to do] is my half hour bike ride to and from work during the week. It's just I'm so damn tired that I can't recover from it. Normally I'd be like "hell yeah !" but this morning I'm feeling a bit much more like "Ohhhhhhh Jesus". And that is all I have to say about that.

In other news, I ate like a horse again last night. Salad, wine and soda .... thai food ? what else. Yeah this whole caloric intake log isnt working for me. I used to do it like an expert and I maintained 135 pounds for half a year, then I hit 140 [no big]. But in six months time - I have gained 15 to 20 more upon this medium size frame [that I can't deal with]. Done.

Lack of control at work.

Cannot access the space for they have cut it off. It's frustrating because work is a bore. And when the high end of fashion season is over -- we will have nothing better to do than think, speak nothing and do nothing more than fight. This lack of space -- my space -- comes as a dissapointment to me. Why ? - it's not that inportant in truth but it sucks when the nuns take control of the entire monestary.

Thinspo Thought Of The Afternoon

The secret to all success and the inspiration behind tomorrow's loss of eating will be :

New clothes. For why spend the money on them when you can't look good in them. So we'll spend money on cute shirts and hot shoes ... hoping to become inspired enough to fit in them by starvation and water alone.

Yours,

_________ __________

Inside

You just didnt know me. You just didnt know me. You just didnt know me.





You thought I was okay


But I was not.


You thought you knew me.


'Cmon that's just the process of thought.








Because inside I'm a raging woman and a singing feast.


A patriotic lover and a fancied beast.


A screaming abortionist with a slothful lease.


A vengeful witch and a fighter for peace.








All these things I give to you.


All my sorrow's; you haven't a clue.


Depression is bliss.


But it does not match the longing of another's kiss.


The lonely . . . the brave . . . in the end I was taught to call it "misbehave".





And once I thought I'd found it - the focus was distorted.


My heart melts upon your cock and you take me to the ground.


I look for some kind of love ; but your never around.





You show up in my dreams.


I wake up in in a sea of steam.


I look to see that you are not around.


I look to see that I'm wearing my blood stained night gown.





For I'm a wretched knit.


tight knot; arms slit.


Sinking deep


And calling out.


Jesus, Mary, Saints be served us wont you help me out.

Photograph courtesy of http://independentpropaganda.com

Empty Hope

Although my stomach feels empty -- I've been eating all day long. Is this something like a tape worm?. But then again a parasite would only mean I am skinny and it is fat. The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I cannot stop eating junk food, cookies and comfort foods. I never thought that I would end up being this way [again]. When I was 17 I used to eat like this because I was bored out of my mind, and today I suppose that I could say the same thing.

From soda to burritos and chocolate chip cookies ... alchohol intake to pizza nights; one would say I am more so food addicted than I am an anorexic. My actions do not match with my desires. I am a hypocrite and a liar to myself. I am not truly starving -- shit I make Britney spears look like she's on a humble diet. I am a glutton and that is the real issue here ... so where do we kill it off, and how do I stop this craziness ?.

Food is my friend right now and I do not want to know it anymore.

Food is not my ally and I should walk away from it before I let it control me.

I control my food; food does not control me.

A General Confusion About This Mess

Two years ago I weighed 130 pounds. My family all figured that I was anorexic; and though I figure that to some degree I was; today I am not. And that is frustrating. I try to remember what I was doing right back then. Was my insecurity at it's best?, did self loathing make a play at me?. I mean my arms came down to twiggs and that was not even good enough for my 5'11" frame. I think it's all in the rib cage. I think it all boils down to body size. I mean I could lose 30 pounds and STILL look larger than my crack baby buddies in this state I reside. And somehow I cannot appreciate my manish frame when all of the other boys look like boys and I look like their bully fag in the locker room. What can I do to be thinner?, how can I achieve my goal weight of 125 - 130 again ? .... HELL I'd probably be happy at 135-140 lbs again.

So this is where I'll write it all out. Somehow the only way that I believe to get "that thin" again is to hate the body that I was given enough to punish it again through lack of calories, protein and fat. That last word used to kill me -- and now I think I've grown lazy to it, and it has gotten the batter of me indeed. From cookies to Pizza and fat filled foods, this past year has brought me back to the 170 pounds which originally prompted me to starve in the year 2005 / 06. Please support me through this time of change -- I need the words of encouragement and the support to get back down to fitting in even with the "bad boys" and the "hot boys", the boys who matter most to other queers and the twinks who get all the good men. I named this blog "Boy Dissapearing" after a song by Tori Amos [Girl Disappearing]. I figured it kinda made sense for a boy who wants to lose weight and get down to nothing. I also HATE how I sound right now ... I hate that I sound so selfish when I know that I am in a healthier place than before -- yet somehow I want to throw it all away for weight. Anyways this is ________ and this will be my blog spot for a while.

Yours Truly,

____________