We built this city on anger.

Right now I just need to write this out because it's hurting me not to at least acknowledge the pain. This weekend my boyfriend and I took a trip to the city to get away from all of our smaller town woes and just relax. He got us this beautiful Hotel room which is very mod and chic. In fact I am drawing a lot of inspiration from this room, and I want to bring that style back into my own apartment when we return back to E-----e.

Last night J. and I went to a local Dyke bar to support a new friend that we had made through a mutual friend. The bar was a smoky little dive with tons of drag kings and harsh looking women who ended up being very supportive of us "men" being in the building. After a good long round of drinks and Karaoke it was time for us to return to our Hotel room and get some sleep. I was pretty much sober but my boyfriend was hammered. I did not let him know however; that I was indeed sober again, because I was trying to avoid his very typical "are you mad at me" conversation.

By the time we'd hit the corner, he was refusing to call a cab and suggested that we walk our way back to the hotel. At this point I knew that we were miles across town and that walking would not be a good idea because we don't know the city. This is when he began to pull out some harsh attitude with me and tried to start a fight. I did not respond accordingly to what I was feeling on the inside at that moment because it would have resulted in him confronting me with questions that have no right answer; no matter how easy they may be.

I had suggested that we were heading in the wrong direction and that we needed to stop, and this is when he turned to me and began yelling at me saying that "Don't FUCKING tell me I'm wrong, when I know that I'm right, you always do that to me . . . I'm SMARTER Than you and you and you need to shut up", it was at this point that I began to feel some "fight" in me but decided not to defend myself, the most that I did was ask him to please "Stop yelling at me". I had to repeat this about 6 times before he firmly grabbed at my wrist [enough to hurt and startle me] for about a few seconds and say once more that I'm not as smart as him so I needed to stop talking.

The rest of the wait for our taxi was spent by me pretending to feel safe, and pretending to be happy. This morning as I woke next to him I did not feel as safe as I normally do. I feel hurt and I don't think that he will accept what I have to confront him with on this case. Generally as it has been explored in this scenario; my boyfriend hates to be "wrong". And when we argue - I generally have to back down because he will not see his actions clearly. It feels as though I am the one who is expected to make changes, and I am the one who gets "called out" for my quirks, and I am the one who has to make it right.

Last night is nothing new, we go through some form of confrontation every time he drinks. The last time that got really drunk however; he decided to judge me and make me feel somewhat less than human, and he yelled at me for being too drunk [which I was] but when I needed his support the most - he felt justified in not lending a hand to me. So where's the balance in this ?, somehow I am starting to feel taken for granted, like he thinks that it's alright to yell at me the way he did last night, and not at least apologize or make corrective action to make it right again. Am I dealing with an age difference here?, what makes it right for me to feel this way? do I have to keep this hurt a secret once more in order to keep the peace ?. What am I to do?.

It's hard when you love somebody, but you begin to feel as though you are "expected" to be perfect. And when you give and give and give - what's stopping that person from expecting to receive again, and again. I ask for three basic components, Honor, Respect, and loyalty. I believe that these things create the formula for a real love. So what do you do when you are beginning to feel constantly insulted, on the edge ["is he going to cheat?"], scared to express your feelings, or terrified that he'll ignore you for the night when you do express yourself.

I do not want to write this blog however; without saying how much I do love J-. He does surprise me with kisses, and he does hold me when I cry. He does express the little things which make us all feel special. And I do love him, some how the first day we met I knew this. But I think that he has a lot of anger inside of him which tends to lash out toward me. And now that we are living together, I feel it a lot more than I did when we were in separate apartments. We have gone through a lot together so far, and the thought of losing him feels like a cut to the chest.

So I'm at a slight bit of a draw here, and I don't know what to do about it. He was drunk - so I can't exactly hold him fully accountable for his actions. I feel like if he were sober then maybe I would be able to hold him at full responsibility. But then again, we are all held accountable for our actions, and he would confront me or cuss me out if I did the same thing to him as he did unto me last night. I can not clean this mess, for he is the one who could not stop at one drink. And it hurts me to say that here, I do not mean any harm to him when I say that. I am not suggesting anything by saying that - but I need to stand up for myself here and not fix his error. Especially when I was the one that fell some what victim to his anger.

I'm Just Having Thoughts . . .

Let me breathe -


This past week has been nothing less than pure stress, and today I am in dire need of personal time. I need to do the things that I love to do without obligation to anybody else. I need to just go for a long walk without a curfew, I need to go to a bar without fear of being called out for being too drunk. I just need a little bit of me time to rejuvenate my inner self and my soul.

At the present moment, I am somewhat apprehensive about returning back to my home which I now share with my boyfriend. There are times when I need alone time, and that is now a place where I cannot attain that. I love my boyfriend, I would do anything for him, and I truly believe that we are of the few successful gay couples in this town. But like any other person, I would be a liar to myself if I said that I did not need my own time every now and again.

The problem is that from time to time I feel like I am constantly accounting for my actions and my whereabouts. If I come home later than I anticipated (generally due to catching rides from my sister) I tend to receive the 'silent treatment' from my boyfriend who does not like it when I am late to arrive for an evening at home. But sometimes I want to stay with my mother, and sometimes I just need to be away from my house and that is perfectly reasonable. Thing is that I am too afraid to request this, because my boyfriend says "You're leaving me again for the whole day", and those words are powerful and make me feel like a real jerk.

With the constant stress of following through for him, I also have the added stress of accounting to my mother why it is that I am always in such a rush home on Sunday's. She still knows nothing of the fact that I have a boyfriend and is still under the impression that I am living alone. The lie that I've given her is going to hurt when brought to truth, and that is something I am having a hard time coming to terms with. My boyfriend is beginning to resent that fact that he is still unknown to my mother which makes me once again feel like the bad guy in this big picture. I am living a triple life here and it's really getting to me. But I need not be judged for the choices that I make, and I need not be held accountable for the needs that I have. I need to be respected and honored for the few needs that I ask for.

I really love my boyfriend, last week he ended up in the Hospital for a stomach related illness which had him in excruciating pain. The though of him in pain, and me not being able to fix it really scared me. When it was all over I ended up breaking down in tears in his arms because the thought of losing him or the thought of him being so scared and alone in his pain, scared me and made me feel helpless. I love him, I want to be there for him, I want to take his pain away, I want to heal him. Since the day that I met him, I knew that I wanted to protect his heart - it's something that I'd never felt before for another person. I genuinely care about him, and I have made many life changes based on his needs. I only feel it to be fair that he understand my needs, and that he value them as well.

A Word, a Thought, a Call For Justice.

I'm growing tired. I'm tired of trying anymore and I'm tired of being a fool. I'm under control and I'm tired of it. I try to express myself but I get in trouble for it. I try to sing but I'm made fun of for it. I try to show emotion but I am judged for it. I try to love but somehow it's not good enough. There is nowhere to turn, nowhere to go. Sometimes when I need to express myself, I feel as though it's not OK. But everybody else in this world can say or do whatever they desire. It's just not fair for me to feel like this, and to constantly change myself when others remain exactly the same, as though it's not a possibility.

Frame The Story, but Do Not Define The Book.

2008 . . . oh what a year she's growing to be. I know that it's March and that I haven't updated anything around here in a while. Hell who's really reading this anyway?. I remember when I made this blog. It was a means for private and secret expression. Nobody was allowed to know who I was - thus I chose the name of Boy Disappearing. I created it during a time in my life when I felt the need to be depressed even though I was happy.

The darkness fascinates me. It protects me from vulnerability and the scorn of being made a fool. To truly feel is something that I steer away from at times. To tell the truth is something that I am learning to become more in touch with but to remain very weary of. And love is something that I have always held inside and finally have somebody to express to. But sometimes I feel imperfect and imperfection scares me.

Daily I am called to be perfect and responsible in all that I do. Truth in conflict is important for sake of holding true to ones self. Yet I often feel like an asshole when I don't have an answer. And sometimes I feel as though I am not being heard. My fears are not validated, and my insecurities are amplified by my thoughts. Yes, 2008 has been a lesson in loss and gain. I remember on the 31'st of December when I realized that this year would be a year of change and growth. Unlike 2005-07's "Year of Miracles" to which the pains of the past somehow made their way out of the door.

Each year will teach me something new about myself. And this year I am growing up. My sheltered existence is in peril, and that is OK. I am learning about finance, love, the self and the soul. I am going through the gambit and I accept that challenge for I know that I will come out as a warrior, and not the defense.

Being fired from my job at STA Travel taught me a great lesson in that I am not to allow anybody to step over me. My boyfriend has begged me to never fight against the enemy but to rise above the enemy through love and respect. This lesson is especially hard for me because I have never defended myself against the aggressor. I am used to being a doormat, and it hurts to be walked on. I try to know everything before it's even expressed by another so to always be on their page. I try to live in a 50/50 household where nobody feels over loaded with work. But I fall short of perfection and it scares me when I see myself for that. It scares me that I am 23 and still "lost" in my own insecurity.

The anger that I've expressed in the past is no longer with me. Now I see clearer, but not the BIG picture. I find it hard to see that picture. I tend to focus on small details which only frame the story but do not define the book. I'm stressed out beyond natural means -- like a bomb shelter in middle earth. I try to relax but something happens in my mind when I think that I am not living up to the expectations of others. And that is why I took a medal from my necklace last night and whipped my wrists with it. Because I do not know how to keep everything safe and in control.

I hate it when the shit hits the fan. Because when the shit hits the fan - people runaway and I don't want to be alone. All that I want is to be respected and seen as an individual with a great flare for fun and a deep concern for the human condition. Sometimes I just feel like "The Fool" when I'm out and about. Some people find me to be quite odd, while others find me to be the life of the party. Some would call me smart and intellectual while others would call me ignorant, daft and irresponsible. But the question is - how do I define myself?. Why wont I stand up anymore ?. Why can't I just act - why is it so hard to be a warrior for peace in a radical world. Why is it so hard to be myself around those that I love the most. Why do I feel judged and held constantly accountable for my thoughts and words - why can't free thought and jibber jabbre be legal in the court room?.

My real confession here is that I enjoy the darkness for it keeps me in touch with my defense mechanisms. True darkness is my worst fear of all. Being alone, unloved and betrayed; judged and made fun of. That is the darkness that I listen to from the other room. I listen because I need to make sure I know the plan before it effects me, so that I can avoid the pain of losing true happiness. And all that I ask for is for somebody to simply understand this, and not judge me for this, and to support me through the process of getting out of this mind frame.