All Work And No Play Kinda Guy : Wear A Mask And Find Persephone

So I've got this gnarly little spider bite on my middle finger. It's kind of like oozing water or something and my whole hand is swollen. I'm thinkin this is kind of a red flag but I'm not doing anything about it. Such warning of danger remindes me of my past relationships, friendships and aquaintences. Where do we learn in life who is the puss, who is the bite and who's the spider?. Am I so desperate for approval that I allow the spider to bite and when he leaves; I spread the venom through my flesh?. Am I that self destructive?, am I that sad?.

What brings us to the behaviours that we repeat again, and again?. Why is it that we feel the need to become settled characters within our relationships?. Where inside of me did I decide to be the persephone character. Accepting my fate like the change of the seasons. The one who's waiting by the lake side for disaster. The dark god can take me and I'll accept my fate for that moment in time. I'll always be betrothed to his or her will for me; I will even spend time with him after my scentence is complete for curse of the pomegranate seed. The balancing act and the queen.

The whole thing of being a born artist and an actor at best is the idea that I never have to wear one face for the world. I can be whoever I want to be in any situation. It's all a matter of choosing the proper suit for the occasion. Unfortunatley as I have described in previous posts here; I find myself as a mirror until the shit hits the fan and that is when I truly step into my own shoes. It's like the situation in California with my cousin and old friend. Those two entered a sexual relationship and all loyalty went out the door. I saw that red flag coming and I pulled out the nails; and I crucified myself before all to see the injustice of the two who hurt me most.

I suppose that what it all boils down to for me and the nature of my actions is that I am vulnerable and naieve. I try and put off a stronger image than I really feel inside of me. Yet my willingness to be so candid makes me more appealing to the public than most others are in a lifetime of money making and lies. My major frustration is perhaps self induced; it is the frustration of constantly eating my own words. The thing is that i think out loud, and I feel more emotion than I do assertion toward the things that I want in this life. So in the end that makes me an all talk and no play kinda guy. Surely I have to change - I think it's time to put on a new mask. But in order to find it; I think I have to travel a bit.

Medals Crosses and Robes :You tell me who raped the soul.

I struggle day to day with positive thinking and attitude. Most of the times though I am in a down spirit; one that leads me to come to a glass half empty conclusion. However my horoscope today advised me to perhaps project positive energy out there upon the things that I want. It reminded me of that book "The Secret", which basicly suggests that we have the power to control our outcome through positive thinking. Could this be the one missing link to all of my relationship issues, the off and on depression and the general acceptance of feeling like the underdog.

How am I ever to feel as though I fit in, when I am constantly trying to prove myself to God, man and self. Yes I am trying to introduce the soul to my body and my body is struggling to accept the soul. For if my body and soul truly accepted their surroundings and the actions we make - then perhaps I would not feel so much guilt when I think "wrong" thoughts and do "bad" things. It is through this avoidence of experience that I am creating avoidence and fear. I am not a bad person if I make love, nor am I a sub human for loving a man. And yet in the back of my mind as the candle burns on Christmas eve; the world is settled for one night and I am crying on the inside for I have just been stabbed by a demon in a dark hallway and their singin their holy holy holies too loud to hear me yell out for help.

One may wonder why there is an image of rape posted atop this entry; and the answer is this. Sexuality has been taken from man by the church. So long as we obey the rules of the priests and reverands, gods and demi-gods, we are subjected to guilt and pain. It's not to glorify sex as the all standard for happiness, for sex is one great part of the piece. But it's the one piece of the collecting puzzle which costs the greatest fortune. So in turn like a victim to rape, we are surrenduring ourselves toward a dominance and submission complex without the leather, the whips and the chains. All replaced by medals, crosses and robes.

From Daily OM.com

July 30, 2007

Wanting To JoinDumbing Ourselves Down :
The ability to go into any social situation and sense the level of consciousness in that situation is a gift. It enables us to move considerately in a world that holds people of all levels of awareness. However, there is a difference between shifting our energy to accommodate people and dumbing ourselves down to a regrettable degree. Sometimes, when we get into a particular social situation, we may feel pressure to play it small in order to fit in. Perhaps everyone is drinking or smoking excessively, engaging in gossipy small talk, or complaining bitterly about politics. It is one thing to notice this and modify our expectations and another thing entirely to join in. When we notice where people are coming from and acknowledge to ourselves that their energy is not in alignment with ours, we have several choices as to how to proceed. One viable option is to quietly endure the situation, keeping to ourselves until it is time to leave. In this way, we take care of our own consciousness and protect our growth process. Another option is to interact in a way that honors and pays respect to the people in the group, while gently attempting to shift the level of consciousness with our input. In order to do this, we must maintain our own vibration, which means that joining in by dumbing down is not an option. When we choose to dumb ourselves down to fit in, we not only sell ourselves short but we also lose a possible opportunity to influence the situation for the good of all concerned. Our desire to join in may come from our natural yearning to feel connected to the people around us. There is no shame in this, but being able to stand on our own, separate from the crowd, is a powerful milestone on any spiritual path. It can be difficult in the moment, but when we arrive on the other side, our integrity intact, we may find ourselves feeling positively smart.
What do you think?

Be a Man.

I'll have you all know that the post below is not intended to offend any homosexual out there. I know how seinsitive you can all be - and I know how annoyingly cunty you'll get for readin that shit. Yes I'm talking to you and indeed this is some angst for the community. Hey boys why don't we all stop killing each other for our differences in the community and embrace each others common interest in moving toward equality. It aint gunna happen if you continue to tread on the threads of cinderella's evening gown and smack a complaint to the FCC for innapropriate behaviour. Lisptick glam and all is a fucking sham. Be a man Be a man. Oh but in the end I think that I may have just offended you :) sorry - I'm using my right to lose it on you in response to your right to treat your fellow gay boys like shit for not coming up to your standard of bitchy behaviour. Go buy a box of cornflakes and listen to the red head if you want to know about how often we mirror the lives of women in the female bathroom.

Sin Has Created A Monster Called Men

Today is Sunday, this means that I wake up at 8:00am for Mass and watch as all of the parishoners go up for Holy Communion. Why do I watch ?, it's 'cause I'm livin for myself and I have not gone to confession for over 3 months. I've probably done nothing worst than lust and masturbation but when you're taught that such things are from hell and not of God; you become used to shame and uselessness. Part of me wanted to run up there and celebrate life with the others; while everything in my conscience told me to stay back. It was in this moment that a beautiful blonde woman in her mid 30's asked my in a kind voice "Why aren't you going up for a blessing", to which I responded like the guily homo-Catholic that I am; "Oh I haven't been to confession in weeks . . so." and she says to me almost like a mother to child "Well you can still go up and recieve a blessing". Almost as though I was not understanding something, as though maybe I was blocking out the sense of love that was being shared within that Church.

If Jesus died for my sins, then why am I spending so much time on my knees and in the spiritual gutter. Why is it that we are all raised to feel so ashamed of ourselves?. Why am I so afraid to come out to my family; and why is God so vengeful if he is also so loving ?. The human perception of God comes to many different conclusions. The one that I have come to is that I dont have a conclusion until I meet the guy. One cannot simply accept the ideas that another man puts on a devine force and creator of nature and all things in essence. So by writing this, I am not killing God, rather I am trying to re build a new understanding of him. The God that is given to me in my church is a God of "love, kindness and redemtion". Yet all of my years of learning this faith has brought me farther from that loving and understanding than anything else. But perhaps I am to blame for that?, or is it my "Christian" brothers and sisters who have taken me away from faith and loyalty to the Lord.

I just think that Jesus came here to bring men and women together; not seperate them by dominance and separation. He said that no sin is greater than the next and if the story goes as true, He even killed himself for the symbol of those debts. Sin has created a monster called men on men judgement and female hatred. It has made a mold for homophobia and has lead us to war and violence based on morality and religion. Maybe I want to believe this so that I can do what I like without sense of guilt and examination. The conclusion here is that I am totally confused about my faith and me religion and the God that I was raised to believe is in control of all things. I still do believe that - it's just that I don't know where to stop my life in order to follow his example, or if to fuck up for a while and eventually come back to God. Or is it worth anything at all to say "I am okay as I am, and if God is love and He created all things in the world; then I was created Gay, I was created equal and I was created in His image.

Ugh I'm so fucking confused - I don't even know what to make of life right now.

Bush in Ireland : Banned from the States.

Now this is interesting ... more thoughts to follow; as I am on my way out of work for the weekend.

The Greatest Stories Never Told; Validation and Two Thoughts.

I need validation. That's my problem. I am seeking from others what I cannot give and take freely from myself. I am one of those men who seeks to be cared for and yet I cannot dish the care for others. So when I find myself failing in a relationship; I victimize myself and I put the blame on everyone else first and then myself. Or in some instances of recent news, I beat myself up for not being "good enough" for another human being.

If I were to break it all down to a tea bag, I'd have to say that no man, and no woman is worth giving yourself up for. And yet I am not the only one doing it. This is called co-dependance and it's something that I've tried not to include myself in since seeing how oathetic it can be through my mother, sister; and all the women in my family. It's a sick, sad cycle and I'm not one to want any part of it. But when one seeks constant stroking and approval from the likes of others who cannot even hold up their own ship from the sinking waters; how the fuck are they supposed to save me from my one board, a pole and a bed sheet?.

Every December 31, before the years end at 11:59:59 and couting, I say a prayer, I ask the devine for a lesson and wisdom for the new year. As 2006 came to an end in her final minute, I asked for a lesson in strength and wisdom. This year, through the lessons learned of the last and those presented today have taught me more about myself and the hardening that it takes to live in this world. Dissapointing as it may be we are born into a battlefield dimension which requires us to take up a swoard and prepare for battle. In self defense we protect all that is sacred within ourselves and we learn how to punch correctly and kick others in the intellect.

Sometimes we meet amazing storytellers, and supporters of the craft which enable us to believe in ourselves. Priests, witches and natives; these are the key players to the narrative we direct called life. This is something that we are taught to disengage from in modern day USA. We're no longer interested in passing wisdom from the dead, onto the babies of the present. And look where it is taking us?, we are probably one of the most daft youth nations out there [broadly speaking ofcourse]. But if we look at the lessons we are taught in history class, we're praising the conquerer and not mourning the conquered. For if in America we are to understand the blood shed on our doorsteps, we must first go to the source and listen to the side of the story which we were not told. Chris Columbus my ass, and all the other white men who are still praised today. If we are ever to celebrate racial and social equality, then we must include the true stories in our text books from the early ages.

The Cinder Home

Shape me up. Put my four walls in.
Windows, celings, sinks and ovens.
Build me up so we can live in sin.

Paint my skin and nail my hands down.
Build me up and then we'll talk.
Hardwood floors and songs from Corrs.
Finish this completely.
So you can kiss me sweetly.

Look around us, can't you see.
Look at the masterpiece we're meant to be.
Take a deep breath and you will smell.
The binding memories of a worlds past left.
Down to hell.

New begining.
The past is lost.
Stay in this moment.
So we can be in frost.
It's not over until the fire burns.
So let's make sure that the season never turns.

I miss you and you barely even exsist.
I love you for your strong hands.
I need you to finish this job.
But I don't even know your name.
So I'll look to the cinder home, I'll stare and I'll nod.

Interesting Music Video From SIA

You've gotta love her fearlessness to look "unpretty". Because half these shots are fugly and yet she does it so confidently. I would assume she does not take herself too seriously at all. Gotta love it.



And just for sake of art and music, the final scene for HBO's "Six Feet Under" featured SIA's song "Breathe Me". It worked so well for the scene, and propelled the song into movies, and further forms of media. I just love this scene and I had to include it. But pay more attention to the video above !.

Suffering the Sting to Taste the Sweet.

Dissapointed to hear that he does not like me or even find me very attractive. Yes the polls came in from our recent crush and once again [like my credit card decline letters] "We're Sorry Mr.________ but due to insufficiant dating history on file we are unable to process your request at this time. If you have any questions . . . ". Indeed I have been rejected once more from a boy only to find out that I am not his type. Apparently too femminite; one I've heard one too many times on my credit history. If I can't find a taker, will I spend my twenties single, bored and virign?. What are my ideals, and why am I allowing them to hinder my happiness.

The worst part about it is that i found out through a mutual friend who purposly kept the gathered information from me, for she knew that I would be upset and react. More upsetting than the rejection is the simple fact that it was hidden from me for over two weeks, and he's known about my crush for that long. We've hung out [nothings changed] BUT HE KNEW ! and I sat around thinking "well maybe he likes me". As I found out last night, he thinks thats cool but no no. It's not even that I liked him all that much. It's that he's a nice guy, and the only men who EVER come within a foot of me are 40 year olds and crack babies. I'm tired of attracting the assholes, I want a nice man. I feel let down because I've been rejected. My life is rejection.

Sometimes I think to myself that I can go three ways with my life. Become numb, become an asshole or hurt myself and die. Because being this sensitive hurts beyond compare and my mind goes on rambling for hours once the truth is uncovered. I dont like change and so that is why my actions never meet on the same level as my words. It hurts me to admit that I am full of shit based on comfort and uncomfort. I dislike change when it means that I have to --- change. Yeah I'd rather wake up miraculously changed and in the final stage of it without any memory of how hard it was to get there. But that's a fantasy and perhaps one of the greatest parts in life is suffering the sting in order to taste the sweet.

Patience is my one enemy now, we're not seeing eye to eye and in the effect that I dont make it out of this depression anytime soon; you'll all be reading a lot of selt loathing entries about how disgusting I am and how un worth living I am. I can't help it but to feel this way when I am rejected for lack of a better reason than being too ________ you fill in the blank. I am a horrid dater and I doubt I'd make a valid boyfriend. Yes all of this negativity will hold me back from EVER getting what I want. But at the end of the day all I want is to use [whoever] like a drug, feel good and move on. So maybe I should go fuck the world - and pretend to be happier. Or maybe I should use drugs, because my mind is like a stinger and I'm tired of being stung.

Hurt : Just to be accepted by you.

I take it down,

Take it all down for you.

I feel a crown, I could drown in you.

I only for a minute; kiss me or leave me.

Miss me ? believe me; it's you.

It's all in you.

I've killed my spirit just to be like you

I've destroyed God just to see like you.

I've taken down the walls just to include you.

I've cut myself down just to see myself the way you do.

I've done it all before but somehow with you it all seems so new.

Sometimes first impressions arent so hot

WE ARE what's been given; and we serve all we got.

molding ourselves to mirrors and fearing the reflection.

Singing woe songs at night for lonliness is our greatest fight.

Looking for redemtion in you, I've found nothing, not a clue.

Empty inside I can clearly see, the reflection that was meant to be and so....

I've killed my spirit just to be like you
I've destroyed God just to see like you.
I've taken down the walls just to include you.
I've cut myself down just to see myself the way you do.
I've done it all before but somehow with you it all seems so new.

In winter months I long for an empty you

In the months to follow I question who exactly "you" are.

Distant lover, empty mother. Simple womb, birthing loves last tomb.

Someone please save me from myself, cause I wont stop holding me down.

If there is a devine god, won't he please show me a way out of this forsaken town.

I've hurt myself just to be accepted by you

for the notion that loves only real for me and you

and in the end of this mess, I'll come to accept that you will always be less.

Than what I really wanted; no I never really needed to be - - 'cause

I've killed my spirit just to be like you
I've destroyed God just to see like you.
I've taken down the walls just to include you.
I've cut myself down just to see myself the way you do.
I've done it all before but somehow with you it all seems so new.

I've killed my spirit just to be like you
I've destroyed God just to see like you.
I've taken down the walls just to include you.
I've cut myself down just to see myself the way you do.
I've done it all before but somehow with you it all seems so new.

I've killed my spirit just to be like you
I've destroyed God just to see like you.
I've taken down the walls just to include you.
I've cut myself down just to see myself the way you do.
I've done it all before but somehow with you it all seems so new.

Okay Now ~

If Lance Bass can land himself a fucking Model .... why can't I find a proper date?.

Oh yeah - it's all that SEX. I swear to God sex DEFINES the relationship.

Daddy's In The Kitchen , Mama's In The Wine. Sister's Throwin Up In The Bucket And Brother's On Highway Five.

I am so frustrated that I could fucking cry. My job makes me sick. I am sick and fucking TIRED of dealing with stupid kids and their petty needs along met with the spirit of emotionlessness within the buisness world. Thou shalt not feel shit whence making sales. It is a cut throat buisness by which one cannot become angered 3 months into being treated like shit on a daily basis from cunty customers and bitchy mothers.

I am FUCKING TIRED of people. And how they ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS succeed in hurting one another by treating each other like SHIT. I am so physically tired of being put down by my co workers and bosses for not being up to par with my sales. And though you may say "so just quit", I say "no I can't". Why ? because I'm not as savvy as one may think and I'll always settle for less when It means "fight for what you want OR take what you're given". So I'll take the shit and I'll accept it, pet it and learn to love it like it were my bastard child.

I hate the world, THIS is pure angst...... this I hate, this post. I hate it and I hate life at the EMOment. I have nothing more to say than to dish the shit and be an emotional wreck in a stupid CUBE which is making my ass fatter by the hour. You and your stupid questions ... well I dont want to waste my time on you. I am better than all of you because I have been put in that power position. Yes thats right - call me a royal republican today because I am better than you the poor; because I am angry inside with this whole mess. And no it will never be blessed. And no ... I'll never find love. Welcome back sir shit fairy for papa's in the kitchen again yellin at'cha for no good reason. He's in there 'cause he hates ya. He's in there 'cause he's with ya in the office.

And he'll always be inside. Because he's locked himself somewhere deep inside. So now it is your job and your journey ahead - to let him go. It's time to let him go. Relationships between the humnan flesh should mean nothing more than gain and loss. And though I wish I could find someone to love, I am well aware of the fact that love's a false bitch and she's not out there to help anyone else but herself. So she'll show up and back down and leave you questioning your exsistence. And you are so angry inside that all you can do is pretend to be otherwise on the outside. And you want to just BE but you can't just be .... because to be is to see from the 360. And to see from there means you hold the ability to kill, stamp and rage. And that brings ytou back to suqare one -- daddy's in the kitchen , mama's in the wine. Sister's throwin up in the bucket and Brother's on highway five.

STOP BACKING DOWN.

STOP IT

BE STRONGER

IT LASTS LONGER

WHEN YOU CUT EM ALL OUT

YOU NEED THE MUSIC

YOU NEED THE CREATIVE FORCE

YOU NEED IT TO SURVIVE

YOU NEED IT TO "BE"

YOU NEED IT TO LOVE

YOU NEED IT IN ME

YOU NEED

NEED AND NEED.

Masks

Two selves to one being in a single night. It's so confusing within all of us. I think it's hard to be true to a moment. I find it difficult to be honest when the children are being hit. I find it hard to sing when the crowd is young. I find it easier when the audience is dead.








Allow me to now list the people that I am in different given environments :





The Brother


The Desperate Lover


The Gay Boy


The Artist


The Comedian


The Life Of The Party


The Depressed Youth


The Angry Son


The Angsty Teen


The Female


The Feminist


The Singer


The Writer


The Professional


The Travel Agent


The House Cleaner


The Son


The Closet Case


The Straight Guy


The Thinker


The Philosopher


The Fashionista


The Celebrity "Wanna be"


The Corr Sister


The Downtown Club Boy


The Toriphile


The Flamer


The Bimbo


The Devout Catholic


The Pro Lifer


The Pro Choicer


The "I'm so pissed at the christian church"


The Anti Government Guy


The Equal Rights Activist


The Backstabber


The Gossip Queen


The Cheater


The Stealer


The Tease

The Best Friend

The Star Of The Hour

The Jealous Boyfriend

The Loving Franciscan

The Spiritual Pagan

The Dancing Fool

The New York Doll

The Woman meets Man In The Flesh

The Human; "So if I die today I'll be the Happy Phantom."

The power of masks lies behind the ability to shape shift within different persona's. Each of us play a role in human interaction, it's all a matter of who we want to be today and who we want to become tomorrow. The process can compliment each other. If I am not myself today, then I can be you for the moment; but tomorrow I'll have to step back from the vacation and be myself again. This is a defense process and it helps us to form character. I've gotta finish this one later.

Random@random.com

Fatty mcpaddy. He said.

I've got nothing to say, nothing to do.

It's too late in the day to work.

But honey I've gotta work out.

But honey I've gotta say go.

But honey I've gotta work it out.

work it out.

Cotton Warrior

I'm inspired too often by others and not often enough inspired by my own self, and this is why I am sick in the head and sad in the soul. I dont want to be me inside today. I want to be serious, boring and drab for a moment. But I'm intimidated by what people will really see inside of me, so I opt for the funnies and everyone loves [or hates] me for it. I'm the "funny guy" in every situation, and half the time it makes me look like an idiot which I am not. Sometimes I feel like people after people meet me [or visa vera] there is a "human review" which takes place inside all of our minds.

I think that people are so delicate and, we put so much into protecting ourselves from harm. If it werent for us harming one another so often, perhaps we would not feel the need to be so guarded, fake, hard, or insecure. Perhaps if we didnt feel the pressures of work, life, religion and faith to be "perfect" we would not kill each other's spirit. I love my spirit, It's pure and naieve and special and beautiful -- but it's not universal. Why don't I feel the connection of souls between those I meet and those I desire ?. I'm losing patience, I take this seriously. I am frustrated with people for their lack of openness to the spirit and the lack of celebration and supporting each other. All we ever do is put ourselves and others down. We dont love, we dont even know how to. We live in a hate filled dmension. I want to leave it - and live on an island in the myst with artists, thinkers, and a supporting cast ..... I'm so tired of always falling short, or having others fall short of my offerings. And so in the end I come to terms. I come to peace with the fact that I am now a cotton warrior.

I Hate You.

Dear Aaron,

I've never told you this before but - I don't like you much. I find you to be a completely disgusting being; one who lives a disgustingly immoral life. No it's not your homosexuality - but rather your abuse of it which makes me cringe. I can't date a single motherfucker in town without fearing you've slept with them. And yes I know of the STD's you hold. And I thank God that I never let you fuck me with that skank dick.

You make me angry - I never closed the book. I should have told you like I saw it last August. I should have smacked you in the face when you fucked me over. I should have let you die when you needed a friend. I am not your friend, I in fact despise you. I hate to feel as though you are my competition, and that you'd fuck my potentials in a split second before I had the chance to show them I care. I hate that you live in the same town as I do, I hate that you're alive, I hate that you're in my mind. I want you dead, I want you to go away. I want the memories of you and I to be gone. You are a great regret and yet somehow I come back to you with fake smiles and empty moments. You're still around and this is why I must tell you ....... I hate you for everything that you are, every fear that you enstilled in me and every sense of distrust that I will ever feel in present relationships with others. So please just die because I'm shaking inside. I hate the memories. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.

(With that said...... here is a partial transcript of our final conversation just had)

The Faerie Godfather says:
At that time, I had a lot of experience in dating and fucking around. You: very little. I could tell that with what little we had done together, you imagined we were closer, more intimate...more tied together than we really were...
The Faerie Godfather says:
or at least what I felt we were.
The Faerie Godfather says:
*nods* Which is why I didn't pursue things. Also the reason I didn't have sex with you *shrugs*
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
brb customer.
The Faerie Godfather says:
K.
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
Ok I'm back.
The Faerie Godfather says:
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
Basicly. I just need to let you know my resentment toward you. So that I can move on. I dont want to carry this "friendship" out past that. I should have ended this a long time ago Aaron. But I allowed you to remain around for sake of needing to feel special to someone. But when you're kissin me and sleepin with the next three other guys -- you really taught me a lesson; of what is ugly.
The Faerie Godfather says:
Hmmm...yeah. I understand. I felt similarly, actually. Tolerating your eccentricities somewhat out of obligation. And then, later, your little arrogant nuances. It all comes to bear in the end.
The Faerie Godfather says:
If anything, I hope you've learned to assume less and think more.
The Faerie Godfather says:
Keep in mind though, you were quite willing.
The Faerie Godfather says:
I did not force you into anything you didn't accept.

Shadowon7heWaLL says:
No but you failed to let me know where it stood. This is not all your fault.
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
I accpet my waekness in this.
The Faerie Godfather says:
And lastly, I was not sleeping with three other men. I merely moved on to someone who seemed more compatable.
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
But I do not apologize for who I am.
The Faerie Godfather says:
Oh, I never asked you to.
The Faerie Godfather says:
I do make it a point to talk about where things are and where they are going. If I avoid the topic... it usually means they are going nowhere.
The Faerie Godfather says:
But, of course...you didn;t know that.
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
Listen up. Its been a year ok. We were never anything. I just had to let you know how I felt a year on. I needed to express this so that I could move on.
The Faerie Godfather says:
Good
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
I want us to no longer communicate.
The Faerie Godfather says:
I should imagine you had moved on long ago. Surprised you kept this bound up inside. Seems like you'd have better things to do with your life.
The Faerie Godfather says:
Toodles
Shadowon7heWaLL says:
Goodbye Aaron.
The Faerie Godfather says:
Ciaooooooooo.

A moment of judgement ; A moment of realization

Sometimes people can be so cruel and we find ourselves caught in the middle of the disaster. Like a scene right out of the film "Mean Girls" we sometimes find our will committed to joining along in the bad fight. Where do we learn to draw the line with our friends and create a standard for tolerance amongst "small town" people. How do we make the change we want to be within our community?. It can go larger than that if we truly take the fight serious. But for me, it all falls down to weakness and following.

Last night as a few of my friends and I walked home from a bar here in town. Now before we had left, there was a girl that I knew from a bagel shop downtown. We were joking around, chatting a bit and generally joking about nothing. Fun stuff right ?. Well as we left, two of my friends began to comment on her [as we were about half a block away]. My sister immediatley began to defend the girl -- as I played the Peter to Jesus role in denying her as a human being. Therefore I subjected this poor [nice] girl to the hands of my insecure friends.

Now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of fun with these two particular beings, and in fact I have a growing crush on the male portion of the pair. But there is a growingly small headed side to the two of these people that is begining to piss me off. And I'm pissing my own self off most for not standing against this shit. I'll be candid here, I know that I am smart and I know that I have what a lot of people want in the "unique" department. I often create my own standards and live out my own thoughts through my wit and "charm". But at the end of the day I am finding weakness in terms of judgement and the present fear of being judges by others.

This 'lil bug called judgement keeps on showing it's maniacal face toward human kind. And there I was last night frustrated by the stupidity in all of us but most of all in myself for allowing this. So now is the time for me to claim my standard and follow through on living it out. Like I said before, I really like these two, but they pride themselves in being "Bitches", they often make fun of me for my social interactions with the public -- hell I'm just that guy and I love it. I can make a new friend in .01 seconds. I know I may be insecure, but at least my insecurities are right out there and not hidden behind a judgemental facade which reaks of small town behaviour. I love those two -- but I'm aggrivated by their words and actions.

And then it was but an hour or so later that I held a pretty substantial conversation with the guy I like. And he actually came off as serious, and it was pretty nice to not be so playful for once and to tackle issues like religion and share stories about travel and what not. I think that it was sort of the perfect contrast to the issues stated above; for he let down his guard for a moment and showed me a little bit of who's on the inside. And that is when we truly begin to understand the people we hang with. It's like taking a taste before looking at the nutritional value. And In the end I was pleased with this boy - I was pleased to have shared that moment of center with him. And I would like to try it again.

Imagery

So this piscure disturbes the hell out of me while .... sort of turning me on. It sort of remindes me of my own sex life ........ poison, stings and fantasy.

A Common Summer Love Story

He was a boy who held a weakness

always lookin for a plan is found himself a man with an uncommon sweetness.

And in the weeks to come a boy could learn so much.

how to find himself weak to a human touch

how to fly high in the sweat of the body.

To deny the hurt; and accept this folly.

He will only bring you pain yes said

He will seek to win your gain I said

He wont quit until it's done.

Bloodthirsty faggotry; you think it's all so fun.

Now my flesh is shame to mind.

I would have moved on but I havent the time.

You kiss me every three months just to keep me in.

But sectretly inside I'm absolving your sins.

You've got to go, yes this I know.

No I cannot let you win for this is my secret that lives within.

Fulfill one gap but there are many more.

I will now move on and remember you as my whore.

How to show effort.

Well that was nice. So nice that I think I've walked away with a crush. Or am I so desperate that I'm going crazy for a boy who's just nice back to a nice boy?. Ladies and gentleman please welcome the psycho side to my needy behaviour. Yes, this is the side of myself that is SO desperate for companionship and loyalty that he forms a mad crush on the first guy who's not an absolutle CREEP. And this guy just so happens to be beautiful inside and out.

So I'm going to have to check myself into some kind of therapy / counseling service in order to work through this stuff. I think I need one ... I really do. Because I don't want to be that jealous boyfriend who will kill the relationship before it ever takes off based on his own insecurities. So in short .... the only way to put an end to this all is to confront my own self and perhaps even come out the closet to those I am closest to. Yes it's a "life of sin", but I'm more ready now than ever to rid myself of being dodgy and odd. I dont want to treat a mate like a dog for sake of me feeling unworthy due to my own guilty conscience. I want to show someone my strengths and my support -- and maybe that's what will heal me, is showing effort. All that I know is, I've met this guy once and already -- I cant wait to see him again, and that concerns me because it makes me feel like a really lame / creepy person.

Pre Date [Is it a date] Post.

So today's the day I end up meeting pretty face. It's not a date. Oh how I hope he'll make me a good mate.

I personally look like a weirdo again [naturally] with my long hair and powdered foundation on. I'd presume .... ya know what I'm not going to shit on this one for once. I think that'll ruin it for all of us if I were to do that now. So I'll just try my best to grab onto that ounce of confidence that I hold in my personality and I'll walk with it toward the coffee shop at six o'clock. Yeah.

I must confess to all, that I am acting a bit much desperate about this one because I'm totally lonely and frustrated, and I don't want to be alone anymore. So I'm kinda acting like "we're going to get on GREAT!" -- hell, I already have my game plan on to try and kiss him goodnight. I - yeah crazy fucker huh?. But in all honesty, I'm kind of hoping it goes faster than anything else because I hate akward first meetings. I don't ever know what or who to talk about. Especially when you dont have mutual friends or relations [yet]. AH !!!! so apprehensive now. I hope that we at least find a common ground to stand on for today. I really really hope. Because who wants to be the less attractive one who walks away from a "hot date" as the quirky freak. [something I have done ALL too much].

He didn't even notice . . .

Oooooooh that boy drives me insane. And I had the chance to make him mine. But I didnt so that makes me crazy. And all I can do is think of the mistake it was not to give him my number, not to throw him a wink. And as I walked away ..... he didnt even notice me.

Attack Of The Model Dating Service Nerves

Sometimes it takes so much to get so little and in the process you find something special. Other times you'll have it all from the begining and you'll throw it all away. But this time I dont have anything at all and I'm killing it from behind. This whole dating thing drives me nuts. I dont do it enough to take a hit and make a gain and I'm becoming more and more insecure about myself in the process. I've been dating for about a year and a half and I am yet to find anyone worth my time. I'm that one who walks away from the date with a serious crush based on a dream; while the other member walks away understanding the boundaries of 'platonic meetings'.

Most kids go through the trials and errors of rejection from a young age in high school. And if you were popular enough to get a date back then, I think you'll have some hopes for the present day. But I was not that kid. I was the home schooled kid with too much energy and not enough social outlet to express it. So today when I meet men for casual covnersation [class act I know] I find myself holding two dialogues. There is the one who works in the present conversation and then there is the one who is thinking about "Oh I bet I look so ugly right now.","Oh fuck, I bet he thinks I'm insane" and or "Tori Amos, The Corrs, Brandi Carlile, What am I doing tomorrow". So it's hard to remain focused on my date when all that I can think about is if I should kiss him at the end of the evening or if I should let him go back into the darkness where he was before our exsistence.

I've dated a few assholes over the past year. I've even managed to find myself two psychotic free mason boys pleasure me. Yes indeed I found myself quite thrilled by the first one, with whom every so often I find temptation to contact again for sake of empty hopes and broken promises. I do desire intimacy like any other man or woman. It is however generally recieved through cheap offers and my own desperation to be kissed. I'll be real -- the guys I've been with are always good looking, very fit -- but theyre fucking LOSERS. And they always seem to catch my "Nice" card and use it for their advantage. So this is when I came to learn don't date boys your own age go for older. Because somehow older men [25-30] won't treat you like a piece of gain.

In conclusion I am really looking forward to meeting this guy on Thursday after work. He's really attractive, seems like a nice guy and hopefully is not a sex freak. Because I'm not putting out on the first date. But I am frustrated because I can't stand the rules on gay dating. If you dont act like a slut the first time around - he'll think you're a prude. Otherwise you put out and all is lost in fifteen days. I really like the build up to something "special", earning that sense of "wow" and working toward something honest and trust worthy. Sadly I dont trust too many people; and that often creates insecurity, jealousy and sadness. What's this guy to do.

Fuckkit

Monday Monday [baaaa ba ba, ba, ba, ba]. Yes another Monday to "deal" with. I've got a date on Thursday - well I don't know if you'd call it a date, but more so two for a coffee. Somehow coffee seems intimate yet safe enough to spot this guy out. Gotta say he's quite pretty and therefore I'm prone to feel insecure already. I hate first "dates". Theyre akward, ugly, the two people never know how to get on and then at the end of the hour you don't know weather or not to ask them out again or not. Confidence is key and somehow it never shows up.

Ah fuckkit.

Costco

"Okay now we're going to issue your card" said the teller. "Thanks" said I, walking toward the American flag back drop for my Costco card ID. "Okay the look you have on your face now is what's going on your card" he said as I thought to myself "Suck in your cheeks". Snap, bang .... done and I look fucking horrid. Like a chubby child on riddaline. I am so fed up with how out of control my eating habits are. I have a horribly unhealthy relationship with food. I use it to fill in the blank moments, the bad moments and the ugly thoughts. I use the "well I've gone this far so I may as well ...." approach to my present eating habits; which support the fattening habits of last night, yesterday and last month. So far 2007 is not looking to be a successful year in weight management / loss for myself. Not like 2005 .... what the hell did I do in 2005 ?. I can't even remember it. I did a lot of starving and eating non protein products. I think protien is bad for you -- it creates bulk and thickness where we dont want it; the arms the butt and the chest. No good for me ..... no good at all.