Sex, School And a Rant.

Right now I don't know what to say. I am supposed to be going back to school and nobody can truly know why it is that I am back in. I am going back to school at the moment because my boyfriend has taken my by the hand to do so. My mother just finished yelling at me for taking classes which are too easy, my H.S. Tutor/adviser yelled at me this morning for not going to classes from the day they began and I am yelling at myself for not being a man and taking my own direction.

I am tired of lying to my mother about the life that I am living. I ended up gettin defensive and telling her something along the lines of "you don't know the first about my life so you have no right to yell at me for the classes that I am taking.". Hell I even had to lie to her that financial aid came through because I had to have a cover story. I am tired of the lies, you have to create lies to cover lies and now I am so buried within lies that I can't even stand straight.

I feel like I am trying to please everybody else but my self. It's starting to kill me because I don't know what I want anymore. I am living a double life. To my mom I am the son who's living "on his own" for the first time. To my boyfriend I am me. To my sister I am stressed out all the time and to my family I am "busy". But I can't be all of these people any more, I don't think that I can lie about it. I am so afraid of what everybody will think about my sexuality that I can't even begin to accept myself for who I really am.

I can't even have sex without feeling some kind of hell fire biting me in the ass. I've been taking confirmation classes to become a fully baptized and "sainted" Catholic, and yet here I am fucking my boyfriend after mass. I remind myself of that old school Bon Jovi video where the young girl goes to mass in the morning and ends up fucking a guy in the back of a car by nightfall. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Why are we made to feel so shamed for our sexuality. Gay, straight, whatever; "sex is wrong" and we are to "repent" from the sins of the flesh if we are to go to heaven. If Adam had not fallen for eve and all that crap. I'm just confused, and I feel so ashamed for the life I'm living.

I apologize to the readers out there who are wondering why I am so angry at the moment, but I really do feel like I am going to burn in hell for having a sex drive (and I've kept it LOW for sake of keeping those gates closed). Last night my boyfriend and I were about to go to bed when suddenly we started to fool around. At some point I asked him if he wanted to have sex and he said yes. So I got the condoms out (I believe in SAFE before regret and worry) and I began to do the dirty. I swear to god I lasted 2 minuted before I came because in the back of my head I was going "Oh you are going against the teachings of the church you son of a bitch, you hypocrite, you heathen". The nerves alone made me finish long before I was ready to and that's just a shame!.

I feel like if you are going to enjoy sex, you have to cut yourself off from your spiritual/religious self. It's like you can't just have sex and enjoy it without feeling conscious of it at all times . Lord knows the paradox arrives when I am having sex with my partner and I am worrying about the motion and how well I am pleasuring his body and what not. Which brings me to my next point, which I have discussed before. I feel as though I am kinky by nature because I am afraid to be a sexual being and a human being at the same time (yes we know they are the same, but I do feel as though I am two halves here). So I like it rough, and I like to tease and I like to play the "you cant touch me, but I can touch you" game.

It's just...... why so much guilt God?, why do I feel like sex is a "pagan" act?. Why do I feel as though I am doomed to hell by expressing myself within a committed and healthy relationship. Homosexuality aside, why do I feel this?. Is it because deep inside I "know" it's "wrong"?. Or is it because I was taught it to be wrong ?. And will there be forgiveness at the end of this class ?. I just don't understand, and with my confirmation coming this weekend (Sunday) I am especially counting all of my sins because I am about to confirm myself within this church that teaches these morals. And that's why I do not feel worthy of confirmation because I am not living by their set of morals anymore.

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