Nothing

Okay .... so I feel a bit probed and somewhat more seinsitive than I wanted to be today. "Everythings going to be alright" I keep telling myself, I need to put these thoughts to rest. I need to not let distrust hurt me. I need not to pretend that anything is wrong, or that I'm about to be fired. I need not to focus on the negative but the temptation is here telling me to panic. So I'll try my best not to run from the fire as perhaps today it's best to burn, maybe it'll embrace me and show me that everything's okay.

Give me life

give me pain

give me my-self again

God it's hard to sway these thoughts, denial is probably the best when it comes to this. Denial enables me to remember that nothing is wrong when everything becomes confusing. I'm so afraid of it going wrong but today I will not let that happen. It takes work and sometimes it feels "fake" but I am determined to make this work, I am determined to prove to myself that my thoughts are my reality. And though I may be denying the fear, I am also doing a justice to my heart by telling myself that nothing at all is wrong. Nothing at all. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothingness is my friend in the hour of doubt. So it's time to focus again upon the positive ! and not to worry that time will create the enemy.

Let It Go

This morning he recieved a text message from a boy that I do not like. A "frenemy" as they say. He showed and ounce of desire by his care and therefore I found myself a bit worried. This boy stole an ex from me in front of my face one year ago, and somehow he is back in my life. I cannot judge for they met on the same day before we did; only I met my boyfriend hours later. Last week J****** was telling me about how this boy Cr** wanted to meet up with him to mess around, this pretty much threw up a red flag to me. And while I wanted to find Cr** and kick his ass for even thinking of doing this again I also realized that he does not know I exsist in the middle of his desire.

The two issues here is ... well no there are three. The first is that Cr** has no boundaries, the second is that he is HIV positive and the third is that I question my boyfriend's desires. Does J****** value me over everyone else, or would a tryst with Cr** mean "sex" and sex only to him?. The major issue there would be for our health, if J****** has sex or even messes around with him, he is putting our relationship on the line and our health on the grill. I don't trust Cr** at all. And though I respect hi as a human being, I do not believe that he is a genuine and respectful person.

Sometimes I feel out of the loop as being white, as they are both bi racial. Somehow being white makes me feel like the underdog, and the "enemy". Sometimes I feel like I cannot compare to that connection. The truth is that I trust my boyfriend, I trust him because I have to. I trust him because if I do not, then I am opening the door for my worst fears to unfold before me. So I trust him because of his word. He tells me that he does not like Cr** in that way. But the simple fact that Cr** likes J****** makes me feel really intimidated. When all of this goes through my mind, I can go two ways with it. I can choose to take it as a battle, and keep an eye on my boyfriend; thus choosing to display distrust, or I can do nothing and show my boyfriend that i do indeed trust and respect him. For it is my ownpast with this Cr** dude that makes me feel anxious over there freindship.

The people that we choose to "hang" with show something about our desires inside. What I learned from hanging with Cr**, Aaron, Kolt and the gang, showed me a side to their group which displayed immaturity and lack of self control. Thankfully I resigned my position there before I allowed it to ruin my life. I'm not saying that I wish my boyfriend would do the same, but I feel as though I have a sense of knowledge when it comes to this boy. I feel as though I've chosen to depart from that group of people and I am somewhat upset that this one character has come back into my life, and between my boyfriend (once again).

In the end, I've been trying my best not to lay in my head over matters that are not in exsistence. It is not fair to anybody here to assume anything. So I am requiring myself to accept the current situation as long as it does not present itself as a problem. I am also trying hard not to feel any "needs" when it comes to being affirmed by my boyfriend. All that matters is that he and I enjoy each other's intimacy, company and respect enough to continue on with each other. I will not fear anything that has not come to my doorstep. But if there is ever a moment when it becomes clear to me that something is going wrong I will have no choice but to take action. So I will continue to try and keep the peace here. For I respect my boyfriend andI believe that he respects me too. And before I end this - I will let that one voice speak a few words.

"Please do not do anything to taint this trust. For if you do, then I will find myself broken again. 'Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it'. All that I can too is show you my love and I pray that you do not show me any reason not to love again".

Warrior

"A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes; someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves." -

DailyOM.com

Last night I had to confront an ugly situation head on with a friend of mine who is very jealous of my boyfriend. As I was busy with a work event and away from my cell phone, this friend of mine took my cell phone and read a text message from my boyfriend who was at my house while we were out. He was simply asking that I stop by his house to grab him a set of clothes for work today. As she read this, she took it into her power to respond with "Sure ... I'm so glad that I'm your bitch.".

By the time I got back to our table to see that she was playing with my phone, I immediatley looked into my "sent messages" folder and noticed that message which was sent to J*******. Words could not describe the anger that was going through my blood as I called him to apologize and respond to any pain or confusion that may have sent to him. What the hell was her problem?, why would she fuck with me and my boyfreind like that?. When he answered, I could tell that he was upset and confused. I told him that I loved him and that I was very upset with what had just happened. He understood, and I followed through with my word to grab his clothes on my way home.

By the time that she'd realized I was gone, I was half finished with my conversation with J****** when I got an interruptng call from A**sha who was apologizing and claiming to be so concerned. As I confronted her on the matter she tried to justify herself with "Well you and I dont talk much anymore" and I told her "Not an excuse, you have no rights to send ANY messages to ANYbody in my contact lists" and shes looking a me as though she gives a shit, when I know that she does not. Later the same conversation happened and as she tried to once again say "I didnt know he was so sensitive", I said "I don't give a shit, you don't know him and you were rude to him, in my name." I then threatened her to say "I would never text your boyfriend and say 'Hey Derek, I know what your girlfriend's been up to with another guy named Anthony". At that point she grew increadibly quiet and seemed to be terrified.

I told her that I would not do such a thing, but that her actions that evening were just as bad. Her intentions were to be rude to my boyfriend and make him think that I was being an asshole. I'm baffled and do not understand the reasoning in her mind as to what the HELL gave her the temporary right to take business into her own hands. This woman is 28 years of age and sometimes I feel as though I am more mature and respectful than she will ever be in all of her years. I mean this is bullshit ... do NOT fuck with my boyfriend or you will be cut out and called out.

This is why I have that quote above. Last night I felt the warrior take responsibility from within. I fought for my boyfriends heart as well as our relationship. I took a stand against a "friend" and asserted my position as a man to her. This was not scary nor was it intimidating. This was a matter of business, this was a matter of defense and honesty. I'm fighting to keep this relationship, I'm fighting for him, I'm fighting for me. I'm fighting for a confusion free environment. And I don't think that I need to involve myself with those who are immature enough to willfully take my identity for a moment and hurt my boyfreind. Not cool .... not cool at all.

Hideaway . . .

The Corrs

China

Lyrics and words by Tori Amos (1992)

China all the way to new york
I can feel the distance getting close
Youre right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks dont seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say well take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want to me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China all the way to new york
Maybe you got lost in mexico
Youre right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you

I can feel the distance getting close

I need you to be strong.

Lest not the romance die.
lets not be for you and I.
Insecure, as hard as it may.
Today I love you, today I say.
Don't give up on us.
For hope is not forgotten even in black sky.
A new day will always come tomorrow.
Please don't you let hope die.
My heart is full of wonder
A need to let you in
A circle in the center
A absolution to sin.
For you have brought me happiness.
And I hope for you the same.
This hope which rests on my heart
Suddenly as wel walk I feel it's right back to the start.
Please don't say we've got full circle
for life's too large for that.
I'm not giving up
I need you to be strong
for you and I. Most especially I.
My darling, I need you to be strong.
My darling, I need you to hold on.
Look to the sky above,
understand that you are the holder
to this precious love.

Nude

Everytime we go through this. I go through hell. And with your simple mention of doubt I am killing myself over what I've done wrong. The truth is that I long to love you, long to care. I need you to open up to the fact that I'm only human, and time is something that we just have to deal with. What matters most is that I love you. So please don't break up with me because you're scared. Please dont leave me stranded in a pool of blood from a shattered vile. Slipped fom the hands of those who became over confident. Ever so delicate my heart aches for acceptance, love and respect. I see you, but can you see me ?. Can you see my heart in pure form?. Haven't you heard me cry at night, don't you see these eyes. They look into you, they want to see your soul. These eyes are not crying, these eyes are wide awake. But every moment that you hold doubt ... these eyes turn away. I'm terrified of the answer, nobody wants to be broken. So why would you do that to me ... after all that I've tried to prove to you. Is it not enough that I hold love and care? is it not enough that I miss you to the point that my heart aches when you are gone?. And yet you say that you were not ready for this .... the walls of my heart which I let you break down ... exposed and nude, don't turn away now without leaving me a robe. Please dont do more damage to this vulnerable heart. I long to keep it pure but if pain comes my way - I'll have to take the pure new heart and put it away. For sake of hardening the heart .... for sake of pride. But most of all - to keep any tear from even rolling from my eyes.

I Miss Him.

I have not heard much from J****** as of late. From what he did tell me, he has been doing some work on himself which is fine. I just had no clue, I assumed that I had done something wrong. I miss him a lot and sometimes I am scared and embarrassed to express it because I don't want him to think that I am naggy and obsessive. But I do, I miss him a lot. I miss his kiss, his eyes, his voice, his arms, I miss his thoughts and his ideas and his hand which holds mine. God I just miss him. And as I slept alone on Thanksgiving I did have a great thanks for not being truly alone on this holiday. I've spent so many years wishing to have somebody to hold during the holidays. And now I do. And I am thankful for that, and I'm thankful for J****** for teaching me more about myself by simply examining my energy. So ... while I miss him, I know that he needs time alone and it's my position to respect him and support him in that. So I will. But God do I long to hold him in my arms and give him a kiss. To hear that sweet voice express his needs and desires. Arg I miss him.

Music.

Music has no ego, it has no mind, it just is. It does not think, it is not afraid, music is bold. Music is pure. Music is the human spirit. It does not define man; but it drives us to be better. It teaches us how to be human. It's an outer worldly source; yet it's full in the earth. Music is not god, music is not a man, nor a woman. It is pure emotion. Music is not "I'm black, I'm white" it is the rhythym of the soul. Music is form, and it is right, music is everything. Music is the nothingness and fullness of the soul. It soothes and strokes, it pets and smokes. It's as alive as you and I and yet, it is so completely free of the ego in essence. Like a new soul, a fallen star, a gem in the coal; music is the song and dance of the soul.

I gave you my all ....

Life's changed. Friday did happen. Now were at odds and arguing. The little things. Feelings hurt, all that it means, and all that it's not. Sometimes I don't know how to say "I feel hurt". Yet here I am taking the blame for trying to express that. Am I that big of a fucker?, am I mean?. Whats wrong here?. I could not express, so I shut down. And yet .... now were on "hold". An agreement made by one and not all. For I respect too much and fear the loss of all that is us. Numb and broken, my body should feel a "loss", yet I'm telling myself ... everyone goes through it. Your virginity should not be praised, nor celebrated when lost. Somehow I dont know if there was any concept of tha value that I gave .... I gave you my virginity.

The Big One.

I lost my virginity last night. I gave it away.

I lost my virginity - why must we say it that way.

What do we gain when "purity" is lost?.

Lost is such a strong word, a suggestion of emptiness.

And though I feel somewhat alone emotionally,

and though I know ... I was somewhat ready.

All that I pray is that emotion will go steady.

So please ... and I mean this please, don't treat me like a horse.

For I'm raw, and open and I feel the start of a new course.

"You're a man now" so they say, honey I don't think it'll ever be that way.

Some parts of me are crying for the innocence lost.

My body is lying in a puddle of lust.

But with each lesson learned, and at the end of the day.

First sexual experiences, are bound to take place some day.

So why not here, why not now?.

Sure it wasn't a castle or a fairytale.

The candles that you always longed for,

the music that you thought you'd play.

The kisses wished returned with praise.

The worries of today.

Songs : Define an emotion, tell you a story of how I feel t'day.

Natalie Imbruglia "Smoke"


The Corrs "Long Night"


Fiona Apple "Extraordianry Machine"

------
I don't feel too happy today.
Sometimes it just gotta be that way.
Feeling kind of confused again.
Always something, always men.
Always indigo, always blue.
Wish I had your back to cry on, wish I had you.
Distiant like china, sands not on my shore.
Holding back the thought process, can't take it any more.
All I feel, is all I care.
Where are you when I take the dare.
Spot me when, see me now.
Wont you please show me you care, please somehow.
In my mind I trust you, in your actions I doubt.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all in vain.
Days like yesterday, I can see your pain.
But when I try to help you
you tell me you're "okay"
like I've ruined a great moment for you
Why am I TO BLAME ??.
I need a little support in this
because even great men fall.
For depression, doubt and sadness is knocking at my door.
Love is of great richness,
_________ is for the poor.

Something in the meantime

Devendra Banhart "Shake Shugaree"

Walking in line with the night fox.

Words can hurt. Actions kill. But I've done nothing to make the world doubt. I've been trying to show that you're a king. Today I feel as though you could give a shit. Small cuts, little comments ... I dont deserve to be treated like a bitch. I'm your equal - why would you do that to me ?. Why do I need to feel like such an asshole when I make a different plan. Why do you need to call other men sexy? , what's the need for this confusion. God I just long for an easy interaction. I long to be honest, real and drama free.

I'd give you everything ... I'd give you my all. I dont doubt you, I just don't understand why your words hurt me so. I would never try to hurt you; so why do you comment under your breath, laugh and not tell me why, stare and pretend not to lust?. Are you trying to keep me in check? are you trying to scare me?. Why ... why .... why, I'm not going anywhere. Do you want this too? .... why do I fear. I HATE THIS FUCKING FEAR. It wont leave me ... I need support. I dont know where to find it when I feel like I am being punished through short conversation and un defined commentery. Am I too much ?, am I a fucking idiot ? .... what is wrong with me. I feel hurt, sad and ofcourse because what else is new .... worried.

Sometimes I just need a support to know that I'm doing everything okay, and that I'm not walking in this line with a night fox. Am I just a meantime boy until prince charming comes your way ?.

So my heart's on my sleeve again ... threads are frayed. Split ends are showing .... I'm a mess.

Pu'er says no

I know they are my customers but JESUS .. some people just piss me off. There is nothing worst than a "shopper" in the world of sales. I don't work for questions baby, I work to make a knick in the chalk board of revenue. Yeah it's come to this. With a new boss and my job on the line I'm becoming exhausted by those who want me to work for nothing. It's not fair to ask me how cheap it is to fly from Denver to Bangkok, to Los Angeles to China, to Amsterdam to Berlin to adda hostel in Paris and stay for three months in Capetown .... oh and "Is that the lowest you can find". Sometimes it takes about an hour or more to answer these questions and offer a price quote to a customer that is going to buy a ticket off of Orbitz.com for $10.00 cheaper. And that is my rant for the hour. Holy crap that pisses me off.

Tori Amos@Blender.com Toxic Tampax Edition.

I haven't posted here for a few days, life's been crazy and ofcourse I'll go through it all in a post soon if not later today. But in the meantime why dont you check out this hillarious clip from Tori Amos @ blender.com

This is The Right Time !

It's been a few days since I've written over here. I'm been working more at work than ... normal. I'm moving into my apartment today / tomorrow. Unfortunatley due to our schedules J****** and I have not seen each other all week, except for yesterday. So I'm trying my best not to be sad about it, I'm just trying to live it one day at a time. Last night I showed him the apartment and wen I got home from my new home, I had this odd dream which .. I think represented liberation. In the dream I was walking around an apartment naked and saying "so what it's my place", eventually in the dream I was making love to my boyfriend. It was an intriguing dream, but also created a sense of anxiety within me; as I am coming to terms with the fact that I am about to be accountable for everything that I do in my home. Sometimes I fear that I will feel alone, but I know that I will be okay.

J****** has been somewhat quiet lately, I dont recieve as many text messages as before, we haven't talked on the phone much. Sometimes I worry that I am doing something wrong, or that time is keeping us apart. Little worries which I will have to push aside in order to keep a positive hold on this growing relationship. I want us to work out, and I want to work with him on keeping it strong. I am intent on making this one last, and keeping it as fresh and new as they day we met. He's a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit and I think the world of him. It's just that I miss him when he is gone, and sometimes as communication is harder to use - I feel worried. For once it's not a trust worry, but more of a "do you still like me?".

My thoughts are always out there to defeat me, and do in result I have taken up a success course with J****** and his mother on Monday evenings. This Monday we watched a 45 minute seminar from india on "The addiction to suffering", and how humans are addicted to thoughts of suffering weather it is in projection or defense. We are all obsessed with our thoughts and therefore we are surrounded by suffering. If we are to focus on nothingness, and understand the vast amount of blankness on the paper of our minds we can then write in short words what is truly a communication to the spirit.

On Monday shortly after leaving this seminar, I came out to my brother over a beer. He told me that he's known I was gay for a ouple weeks, ever since his ex girl Amb**** revealed t him that she had run into me and my boyfriend at the movies. So he was not surprised, and was surprisingly happyfor me. This proved to me that opening up to others is not as scary as anticipated especially from those you care about and grew up with. My life is changing and I think that it's becoming obvious how caring change can be when presented at the right time.

Thank You

What a beautiful morning it is my love and how I wish that I chould share it with none other than you. The touch of your lips, the grip of your hands, your beautiful body and your irresistable smile; all which allow me to know that trust and excitement can exsist. I once thought I'd never do this again, I was convinced of a failed outlook for love. But you have shown me that hard work does pay off and persistence is not a game. So I thank you for each blessed moment, and I long to see you more. For every moment away from you is like three years times four. The fire in you brings out the beauty in me, will you take my hand and walk to stream?. Oh my beautiful boy ... I cannot thank you enough for the affection, the kisses, the hugs and most of all the support that you give to me. In a phrase, thank you.

Embarrasment in the aspect of S***. A conclusion to self.

So I want to re evaluate the emotions that I was going through yesterday. I was feeling quite alone and confused. I had a pretty bad hangover and I was not feeling too fair. After work, I met up with J****** and we discussed the situation. It turns out that we were both feeling the same way within the company of others. Apparently we both felt like a third party member to the two sides of the coin. I to K*** anf J***** and he to K*** and I. So the lesson that I learned through this is that I needed to be more emotionally attentive to my boyfriend and not just to myself. The only confusion that I felt from that time was from not knowing that J****** felt the same way. So I feel somewhat guilty for feeling so insecure, and I also learned that I need to not allow my emotions to control me. I've always allowed them to take over. I'm not one to look at the big picture, I am very caught up on the color schemes and pixels.

Now is the time in my life when I need to gain a bit more self control. And gaining that, means controlling myself from going to far in the head when I think something is going on (in there). I will have to try my best not to control the world and do a better job of becoming like water, flowing through the world from end to end, and experience the beautiful cleanse of worry and fear. I apologised to J****** for letting my own fears of the past dictate the present. I need to let go of those fears and trust in the beautiful being that he is. And though it will be a challenge not to see the scorn of Aaron; which scared and hurt me, I will have to just trust J****** and care for us as a piece.

One of my favorite interviews with Andrea Corr (though I cannot find it anywhere online), is one where she describes a relationship as "Remembering The Stranger", a philosphy which requires one to remember that once upon a time, two beings held a whole life before they met one another, and to hold on to the preciousness of affection. I do not own my boyfreind and he does not own me. All that we have is today, all that we are is us. I have nothing more than respect and attraction to this boys heart. I want to protect his heart and learn to heal my own. Sometimes I feel scared of -- scaring him. I dont want to be intense, intensity is a turn off. So I am indeed intimidated by the posts and feelings that I felt and wrote yesterday.

Today I am kicking ass at work, making sales and I found out that I can move into my apartment on Tuesday. It's a pretty good turn around from the darkness that I surrounded myself with yesterday. Sometimes I feel as though I surround myself in my own inner darkness, when all that I want is for peace and love [ew, that was aweful hippie of me]. In the end, all that I need is a bit more control over my emotions, and to learn how to trust others, especially when I know that they care about me. I do feel some embarrassment with this aspect of S***.

An Aching Heart.

Today is one of the darkest days I've had in months. I'm feeling horribly sick, alone and disappointed. I haven't talked to J****** yet about what happened last night and how horrible it made me feel. And yet I want to turn to him and hug him and let my tears dry on his shoulder. I feel lost and scared, angry and confused. And though these words are pouring from me, somehow I feel like something is terribly wrong. Perhaps it is the hour and a half sleep I got last night, waking with a hang over. Maybe it's the dizziness in my head and the fog of pain looming over me. Maybe I don't feel so happy. Because for the first time in 3 months I am deathly depressed and I don't know who to turn to.

I can't look inward for my head is spinning and my body aches, my heart is bleeding and my souls confused. All that I ever wanted was an equal attraction, an equal mate, an equal partner. I'm so fucking insecure, I'm trying my hardest to hold on, but my grip is losing. God I want you in my life J******, I want you to ease my pain, but when pain comes from the flirtation that I witnessed ... I feel as though I have been cheated. I try so hard to support you, I want to give my all to you. And yet what I experienced last night, tears on my heart and tells me to hide again. I dont want to hide, you've shown me the path of care again. To care more about somebody than your own self . . . and yet to feel insecure of your actions, your efforts. Does it all go in vain?.

Something inside of me says "love will never last", so I'm always wearing a medi-pack to heal my wounds. The truth is that flirting should not be a threat, and I am being so god damn selfish to feel this way when I see you flirt with my friend. I don't want to lose you to anybody else. God damn it, that's happened to me too many times. Somehow I feel as though you want him, a lust that I cannot compete. These letters and words may describe these emotions but they do not heal them. Maybe sleep will heal this exhaustion. All I want is you.

So what do I do now, when trust is in question?. I do not want you to think that I do not trust you, for I've opened that door to you. But trust is a tricky game and it opens the door to 24 hours of questions and pain. Will I ever find the courage inside and the security to know that there is no other man for you but me?. For I have not looked into another man's eyes with hope since the moment we first kissed. My body is burning and I am torn over such a little hour in our lives. I fear to tell you this for I do not want to fight. I'm crawling on my knees to vomit up this confusion, but dry heaves and chills just keep me from defusion. I just want you to be mine, I just want today to turn fine. God won't you take this pain away. The pulse of my heart is squeezing, I'm suffocating in silence. Maybe my exhaustion has turned to self induced inner-violence. Just one kiss .... just one kiss... you are the one, the only one that I miss. Won't you please just hold me until these tears are gone?.

Lost Again

Called the property managers. My apartment is not ready yet, and I cannot move in until next weekend. Sometimes I wonder how long ... how long it takes to become me. Why there are so many limitations, what's going on right now?. I don't feel secure with anything right now. After last night I'm questioning so much, after today I'm wondering if I will ever have a space to think alone. All I want to do is find a small space and let a few tears out because I feel lost again.

Heart Like a Wheel

HEART LIKE A WHEEL :

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

They say that death is a tragedy
It comes once and then it's over
But my one only wish is for that deep dark abyss
For what's the use of living with no true lover

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand please
God hold my hand
Is why it should have happened to me

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out on mid-ocean
And it's only love and it's only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love

My Heart At The Botton Of The Ocean

I can't believe it as I wake from a sleepless night.
The image of your eyes upon him, sure gave me a fright.
Oh what magic was in the air that halloween night.
Give me peace and tell me you care.
Give me love and promise me, you won't go anywhere.
Give me loyalty so that I can fully dive into this journey of love.


Last night I went to dinner with J****** and met up with my friend K*** at my job. Immediatley I somehow took notice to J****** changing tones quickly as K*** came in looking like a member of my chemical romance. I'm not blind, I can see when a man is intrigued by another. And while I tried not to let it get under my skin; the little things proved me right. There were times last night that I felt as though I was being pushed off by my own boyfriend so that he and K*** could joke around and play. And while I was probably too drunk, oh hell we were all pretty trashed by 1 a.m.; I felt somewhat upset and alone with the other two.

There we have a friend of mine and my boyfriend and ... my boyfriend is just going on and on about K***. By the end of the night as I walked him home it felt as though he was more concerned about how K*** got home, than of which how we were barely getting him home. I saw the way J****** would look at K*** everytime he'd say something new. And if I tried to kiss J*******, he'd hold back. This is major iffy behaviour, and I cannot help but feel somewhat at odds about it this morning. All that I want to do is care for J****** and share each other.

I can remember when I first met him, and he'd look at me that way. And though I know he still likes me, it also scares the fucking shit out of me to see him go gitty around another guy. And while he's always openly checking other guys out and in result making me feel insecure, I accept him for him, as long as he is loyal to my offering. I'm just -- confused about how he reacted to K*** last night, and I feel somewhat hurt. And I know that's probably coming from a very selfish place in me, for I should not require any boyfriend to only look at me and not admire the beauty of others. It's just that I am very unsure of man's capacity to committ to each other. Men cheat, men lust and men scare the crap out of me. I can honestly say, that from the day I met J******, I've not even taken a second look or tried to offer myself to any other man. And there have been offers. But I believe so strongly in holding a coupling as sacred, and nothing to tinker with.

So please be honest
if there is another boy than me
let my heart sink into a bottomless sea.
for that is where
my heart will be.