So the boyfriend just randomly canceled evening plans to take a walk alone to the park at 9pm. With ETA on his return and no hint as to why he departed, I am left to wonder why so much mystery behind this "walk". Of course worry will have it's abusive way with my mind; suggesting to me that he's meeting up with some other boy for a nice fuck in the park because I don't fuck him like he wants to be fucked.
I made chicken pesto with rice and roasted potatoes for dinner, but when I offered it to him he seemed uninterested as though it's the norm, as though he had better things to do. And yet in my mind I believe all of this worry to be a product of my co-dependence upon him. Earlier this afternoon I described to my sister about how he and I are NEVER apart and even when we are apart, that it seems so unnatural to be apart for we live, breathe, sleep and eat together - hell we even go to school together and take the same class together.
But why now after months of content, why now do I worry that he has grown tired of me?. Why now do I imagine him smiling in the eyes of a shadow figure male. Why do I see him bending over for a model ?. And though I have an evening alone (something that I wanted badly) now I find myself drunk with worry and angst. I'm depressed, I'm listening to sad music and imagining the affair as though it were a scene on the television set. Perhaps today is the spoken about anniversary between he and his ex which they still celebrate.
Is it considered a faux pas to continue celebration of a past relationship as though it still holds meaning between your present lover and his or her ex?. Should we draw the line with a "hey buddy, I'm in your life now !" or do we show our support by not saying anything at all ?. You see, I am very confused by this because I do not feel like it's polite to constantly live in somebody else's shadow. It's not fair for me to feel as tired as I do and yet to feel like there is still a shadow in his life who receives any ounce of his affection.
The truth is that something does not feel right at the present moment, and I am hard settled on worrying about it until I come up with an answer. Sometimes the best way to describe this feeling is to say "I want to go home" or rather take me back to my sense of safety. What is he doing out there, who is he speaking to when I am not around. Is my jealousy making a cameo appearance or is this a return to form as it were. Where's my safety, and why have I always felt second best to porn actors and models on the television set. Why do I feel a sense of worthlessness when he stares into the eyes of attractive mutual friends with a once familiar look unto my own eyes. Am I losing ground here?, or will my infectious insecurity lead me to my ultimate fate as "second best" to another man.
I suppose that all I want to know is .... am I doing something wrong?, am I boring you?, have I failed you? . . . did I give up on us a long time ago?.
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