A Story

I'm bored and tired and I have nothing to say in any particualar order. I'm having a moment where I don't exactly feel like the world cares about what I have to say. I am at the hour when secrets are too tired to come out and play. Right about now I could just use a drink with a few good friends without any drama of those which do not handle their liquor. These are the ones I love, but I just can't handle fighting with when drunk. So I've quit as well. Still however, it would be nice to just have a glass of wine with a friend and talk like young adults. I can't drink anymore because I have an example to uphold.

My boyfriend and I have gone through some pretty serious fights when we drink and it's disfunctional. I've always been a pretty peppy, happy and easy going "drunk", I may get a little bit loud but I never instigate fights which is something that my boyfriend does when he drinks. The last time we both drank together he blacked out and kissed another guy at a party. He thankfully admitted it to me - but it still hurt a lot and I seriously had considered breaking the relationship up. I told him that if he wanted to redeem his mistake that he would stop drinking. He's 19 and has absolutely no concept of control when it comes to substances like alcohol. And he's also a pretty angy, horny drunk which makes me feel really uncomfortable as though I am going to be cheated on or yelled at when I get home.

So I am forced into a big brother role sort of because I have to set the example of how it needs to be. Controlling yes, but I have to maintain my safety as well as put ends to toxic behavior. I'm the child of an alcoholic and I can't stand to babysit adults especially when they treat me like shit in return. I'm not into it, and I will not tolerate it. So - I ended it. Much like J******n would not tolerate me smoking cigarettes, I quit the habit in order to sacrifice and change for this relationship. And that's exactly what J******n did for me with partying and drinking. He made a change and I really appreciate and honor that. So for that reason, I will not drink around him nor do I feel comfortable being tipsy around him anymore. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

I don't know, I'm just tired and sometimes I want to be able to act my age instead of having to pretend as though I am not legal to drink when I want to. There are some times that I just wish that my boyfriend knew how to drink like an adult instead of a child, and that I could trust him not to treat me like shit when he does drink. Kissing another man is not the only way that he's hurt me when drunk. He flirts with other men, he starts fights and instigates them by asking me "are you mad at me?". Often I'll say no and he'll call me a liar. He's gotten physically aggressive and often likes to bring up really ugly topics such as cheating and monogomy issues. So it's not safe and it's unfair and it's always ugly. Yet there has been only one time when I ended up getting a bit more drunk than he -and he totally condemned me for it, left me in tears and punished me the following day through silence. So I vowed to no longer drink - and I kept that promise. So there is now a very solid non alcoholic rule in my home. So now I am left with the responsibility not to drink - and now I can't do it with my friends.