Hey everyone,
So I have not been here for a while. Firstly because my internet service has been out like a sick puppy, and second because I have neened some time to myself. I'm back in school full-time now studying music and theater. It's awesome but lot's of work. I started school two weeks into the spring term which still has me catching up on home work. I am also involved in various non profit organizations around town here. I've been volunteering for Basic Rights Oregon, Womenspace and I've just signed on for an internship with the Oregon Students Equal Rights Association (OSERA). I'm running for student senate which should hopefully put me into the front line of student body issues and needs. I'm finding myself slowly sinking deeper into a sociology field through these various causes that I am working for.
Home life has been on an up/down scale. I've gone through a few recent relationship issues which needed to be resolved. In the end I learned about what it means to be true to somebody else other than yourself and to question your decisions after you make them. I long for respect, love and loyalty - and the scenario which I am referring to here showed me a real break in all three of those requirements. And in the end I took him back. The decision was made based upon the fact that he was drunk, and also that I did unto him what I would want him to do to me if I were in the same situation (though I know he never would). I still feel a bit of an inner sinking when I explain my decisions and actions because I feel as though I decided to be strong for him instead of being strong for myself.
My involvement with the Kapgar blog contest ended up failing because I did not have ny access to the internet and I've been some what depressed as of late. But the main problem with this was that I did not feel comfortable enough to openly celebrate my sexuality through stories and jokes. It's kind of like getting the green light and then pissing it all away and I apologize to the guys over there Kevin and Carly for my lack in participation, and I thank you guys for taking me on even though I only busted out about three or four blogs for the contest. It was fun and I intend on continuing to examine my own sexuality through sharing stories in the future. I just don't know that I was fully ready to step into my own shoes yet.
"When You Gonna Make Up Your Mind, When You Gonna Love You Like I Do"...(Tori Amos, Winter). The lyrics to Tori Amos's 1992 single "Winter" remind me of myself at the present time. Relying on others for security when in fact I have that security right here inside of me. My strength is nowhere near anybody else, it has to come from within. I know that it is there, but I do not use it. It's like having a raft but not letting yourself swim. I have to swim, I have to get to the other side. I have to take responsibility for my anguish in times that I feel let down. I have to come to terms with who I am in order not to allow others to break me into their own mold. The entire album to Tori Amos's "Little Earthquakes" means something more to me now that I am actually realizing the transformation phase that the album represents. Are these Little Earthquakes the lessons that we need to learn on the path to our individuality and warriorhood?.
Perhaps the answer unfolds during each day, each week, throughout the end of the month and the conclusion of the year. Ten years on and these lessons will be so engrained into our "self" that we will have to ask ourselves "how did I become ....". Even now I am having to ask myself how I got stuck into the archetype of the Nice Guy only to try and break the habits that have brought me here. I have learned so much in the past year about how to speak when need be and not to allow for others to dictate your feelings and control your needs and emotions. It's so important to validate your emotions by expressing them in a healthy way. It's also KEY to not lose your stand when you take one. It's healthy to be open minded to other's defense so long as you are not being attacked. And it is so very imperative that we remain true to ourselves always. These are the lessons that these little earthquakes have taught me thus far, and I am positive that there are more along the way. Some day I will be full - some day I will move on toward the next walk. But for now I am still growing up on the fault line.
No comments:
Post a Comment