A Crappy Top Ten for 2007 ......

As the year comes to a conclusion I feel compelled to write something to honor the lessons that I've learned in 2007. Some highlights may include the following :



#10 - Don't smoke from pipes of strange people that you do not know, especially when it's in a dark alley on the side of a gay bar.



#9 - Don't drink too many $1.00 well drinks, and follow them up with half a pack of American Sprits (yuck)



#8 - Don't spend $50.00 on a "hair trim"; and more than that, don't believe a "hair trim" means change.



#7- Always remember to hold yourself accountable for crimes committed against your friends and family. Do not deny your own evil, but also do not allow others to walk over you.



#6 - Do not trust your co- workers for they will step all over you and put smiles on to cover up the dirt they brought into your life. Your job is not your life ! - don't stress the bullshit.



#5- Confronting your ex is not a bad thing especially when you claim yourself again from the pain they caused to you in the year previous. Your voice is precious and your heart becomes truly untouchable once you have poured holy salt across the door step to keep the invaders from crawling back in.



#4- Making amends really counts. Giving up the pride and allowing others back in teaches us all a lesson of humility. Forgiveness is essential; but forgetting is not an option. Once you have given an act of forgiveness, it is essential to keep that unharmed by not holding any grudges. It's a selfless act but somebody has to do it.



#3- When we open our hearts to love, it will find us. Searching will open this door but it does not always find your lover. We fall may times before we succeed; however it is important to get up again when we fall.



#2- Being brave when it comes to finding a mate. Learning how to talk to "hot strangers" landed me a hot boyfriend. Sure you're kind of putting your ass on the line, but if a great conversation comes out of it then you've already completed step one.



#1 - Remember all such lessons and never forget them. Carry them with you into the new year and condition them so that they grow stronger. Take not your fears of the past into the present, and allow for people to prove themselves to you; rather than proving yourself to the world. Voice your needs, defend your self and aim toward success in all goals and endeavours.

HIV Pt.2

It was all just a dream ..... Right ?

This morning I had a dream. In this dream myself and my boyfriend were in Po****** and some how Cree showed up. For those of you who do not remember, this boy named Cree once treated me with one of the greatest disrespects ever. He was "the other man" and he took pride in it. I remember saying hello to his young man, the first time that I'd ever met him and he told me "Dont talk to me, you're white". Being drunk at the time I stupidly laughed it off, but thought to myself "wait a second you racist little twirp ...". It was shortly followed by an entire evening of him putting me down racially and interrupting me mid scentence. This boy - is 23 years of age, the same as myself. Treating me like an ignorant 2 year old who missed his baba.

Cree and J****** met last summer on the same day that I met J******* in August. A friendship was made between the two of them. I've tried my best not to let anything get to me - but some how I feel like Cree is going after my boyfriend. J****** once even told me that Cree wanted to fool around with him recently. I tried my best to take the news as an act of trust asking my boyfriend "well you told him that you were with somebody right?", and though he said that he did, I questioned weather or not he wanted to or not. So in my dream this morning, Cree was standing with no clothes on butunderwear and J******* and I walked into his house, Cree then began this child like baby laugh with flapping eyelids and grabbed my boyfriend from my arms, he then kissed J****** right before me as I began to panic, Cree began to laugh. J****** seemed confused but also intrigued by the kiss and leaned in for another one. At this point of my dream I tried to grab my boyfriend back but cree turned to me saying "leave, you have no place here". And that is when in my dream I began to cry and feel rage. I then took J****** back and kissed him, he seemed to know that he was with me, so he kissed me back. But then Cree came back at him ..... this is when Iwoke up with tears in my eyes.

I've tried my best not to let their friendship intimidate me, but I don't trust Cree at all. Am I out of line?, am I being jealous?, or should I feel like I have a value over this boy, this creature that once took another boyfriend away from me. This boy who showed no hesitation to treat me like shit based on the color of my skin, this boy who told me to shut up mid scentence .... this boy. I hold a love for my boyfriend, and I will not control his friendships, I will trust him to do the right thing - but I do not trust his friend Cree.

It Must Be Botox

So in 2005 Tori Amos came out with this CD called The Beekeeper, there was something noticably different about her face, I just could not locate it. Something ... different. In 2007 Tori Amos came out with a new record called American Doll Possee, something very different had happened to her face - this time I realized that it must be botox. You decide ....


(Tori Amos in 2002, Scarlets Walk promo appearance in the UK)


(Tori Amos Blender.com interview 2007. Mind the wig, her face looks odd !)

Don't get me wrong I love this woman and her message, her music and her personality but I've grown fearful that she has taken an appreciation to botox.

I Quit.

So here's a little story about a boy who entered into a new job. He struggled and fought but found that it was not worth it. The company that gave him a health plan also took away so much of his natural happiness and free spirit. He didnt want to quit because then he'd lose him home, his freedom and his sense of presence. But when he met his ne boss, he looked him in the eye; somehow he knew this was not going to be a healthy realtionship. The new boss spoke the national language of corporate power; though he claimed to be an anarchist. The beast that he had to co work with called him names and tried to get him fired. He had no clue that a single office in bum fuck America could be so cruel. He had a choice - excel and rise in a job that he didnt give a shit about to begin with. Or fall and crumble bringing everyone down with him. Somewhere inside of him he felt his darkness arrive; that special place in all of us that we hide every day. We dont want to see it not listen to it but it's there. And it shows itself when we've been kicked down for so long. That anger longs to rise from the depths of the sea, and when it recieves one breath of air - that is all that it takes to give it a voice, show it some flesh and allow it to walk into the world you once treated as equal. But now you have to rise above it and sometimes it's required that you kick some ass along the way. To become emotionless is the only way to rise. This is my Jessica, my evil willow ... this is me saying ..... I QUIT.

Forgive us our tresspassors.

The act of forgivness demands us to no longer act out upon pain and suffering. This is not an easy task when one is dancing in the ring of fire. Pain in itself is both horrible yet addicting. For when we see ourselves as the victim to another's actions, we in turn become the enemy. A man cannot stand rightious in his victimhood for that state of mind will only allow him to stand apart from his fellow beings. In truth we are called to unite with one another and work through that pain and suffering. If only we could understand this formula, if only it made sense; if only our emotions did not control us to travel great lengths in order to hurt one another.

A few weeks ago I emailed Jael and Ellen [if you need reference, you can see my summer post "Dear Ellen"]. I told them how I was sorry for the actions and words which I activley used in order to separate myself from the two of them. Clearly I was intimidated, but one can not deny their source of pain and worry. And when that is not recognized by the other party; one may be driven to scream it out loud from the cliffside and to the shore. That's what I did, that's what drove us three apart and brought those two closer together.

Now that I am in my own relationship, I can truly see what it is to care about somebody more than yourself. And in that I can see that attraction and commitment mean the world to any man or woman who longs for a meaningful connection. At the end of the day - humans long for the essence of connection, the core to the meaning and the fruit of it's bearings. We find it in so many ways. Weather we find this connection through spirit, drugs or the body; man kind will always be on the search to connect to the source.

So who was I to really judge my two friends for finding that connection in each other?. This was the question that brought me to contacting them after a year of silence. I wrote them two seperate emails and told them both that I was sorry for the feelings of jealousy and betrayal which drove me to take the actions that I did in an attempt to destroy their relationship together. In the end my efforts only brought them closer together, which is a lesson in itself of physics. In the end, I feel peace within knowing that I have forgiven them. I feel as though I have grown to a degree, I feel the love I once had for them again.

Yesterday I spoke with Ellen on the telephone. Unfortunatley she wanted to bring up the uglies again and talk about the "he said / she said" business again. In my intellect, I knew it was not an area that I needed to touch on, but for her she needed closure on a few disputed/different stories that she'd been holding on to for the year. I could have argured with her again, for there were about two accusations against me which I can honestly say are fully untrue. I allowed for her to voice herself, and I did not argue back. There are some things which we can internally sacrifice when we know we are in the right. Others can think horrible of us, but if we are honest to our own actions- we hold the sacred flame of peace in our hearts.

This is just .... you decide.

Hillarious, or disturbing ?. I'm not sure.

Not Again.

I'm afraid of the things I need to say because I dont want you to take them wrong. I am fearful to be vulnerable because I don't know that you know how to help me. Some days I need a saviour, I need to be held - but I'll never ask you because I don't want to be a needy being. I often wonder if I appear as strong to you or if you think I'm easy. I sometimes worry to myself that you see me as a time passer. Is any of this real?, do you really feel?. Today I can't stop thinking of how easily I could lose you. The proposition fom your father to move you back home is tearing my ears apart, my inability to trust the future scares me beyond compare. Somehow in times like these I feel as though it's best to be silent and not let you know what I fear most - losing this connection. Is that old news?, are we over it?, do we care anymore?. I still need to know that I mean something to you more than a man that cooks and cleans and rubs your shoulders at the end of the day. I need to know that you appreciate me, I need to know that I am special. I need to know that this means as much to you as it does to me. There is nothing even to worry about, I dont want to bring this up because it will cause a fight and I can't handle that .... not again. I die everytime you are upset with me, I die inside because I don't have anything else to fight for, and when you are not around I feel empty. So please tell me you'll stay, and hold me tonight because I feel like a child inside. Don't want mommy to die, scared of the dark, don't lie to me ; darling please don't break my heart. Just tell me that you love me, tell me that you care, tell me this means everything to you, tell me "don't be scared". And hold me, just hold me. Protect me as I long to fight for you from the evil outside. Let me know something - for work is of the nothing if not seen like the blind.

If you got it you'd laugh.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ! OMG blah blah?, well blah blahb lahb blah blah !. Haahhaahahahaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Awwwww Tori Amos everybody ! Tori Fuck'n Amos !

So this is what Tori looks like without the Doll Posse get up.

I personally feel really happy when I see these pictures.

It gives me hope that Tori is not just a character, but rather a real person.

She's been doing the glam thing for so long now that I've lost a bit of vision for her.

But when I see candid's like this it reminds me of the awesome alterna-rocker

that I fell in love with in the 1990's. If only she'd play music in her regular clothes again

and not all of this "designer picked" tour get up that she started with Scarlet's Walk in 2002.

Cut my skin to find me new.

So many skinny, beautiful, flawlessly built, flat chested and hairless young men around me. All of my friends, my boyfriend and the lot ... why was I not born this way?. Why am I surrounded by these greek demi gods?. I am happy with myself, but sometimes I too see these men and wonder why I was not blessed with their natural abs, high cheeks and clear complexions. These boys who walk with their shoulders back in confidence because they know they are petite enough to look amazing. These boys haunt me because I wish I were like them. And when I see my naked body in the mirror, I don't see anything more than an average body with baby fat on it, broad chest, love handles and pale chubby arms. I need to change this, how will I ever be like those boys?. Even my boyfriend has their body .... it's genes goddammit. And it's not fair that I'm an average pig.

Verbal Vomit

That's it, I'm fed up. I don't even want to try anymore. I am too tired to give an inch of a cock touch toward my customers needs aymore. I hate customer service work and I hate my job. I'm tired of this office right now. I need a vacation like a blood transfusion. I'm dying in here. This place is sucking the me out of me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like an alien has taken over my mind as all I do is worry about customers. All that I've done since the begining of this job is worry, worry, worry. I am always on the chop block, I could lose my job on any given day, I'm stressed out in every sense of the word and I am becoming really angry.

The mere soud of a telephone call from a customer makes my blood boil. I am so sick of STUPID FUCKING students and RUDE faculty and shitty bosses with tempermental co workers. What ever happened to me?, my dreams, my life, my goals. Did I ever have any?. I don't think I do, that or I do not believe in them enough to even try. I don't think that I am worthy of the success that I long for. I think that I am stuck in the mind frame that I am to take what is given to me and to love it like there is no tomorrow. Well I am loving my job like I'd love to be raped. This sucks and I can't get away from it. I'm not asking to leave from it, BUT I need a week off from this god damned office. I cant even catch a breath.

I am trying to quit smoking as well, and thats becoming harder as the days roll on. I'm staying at home with my boyfriend more often which is nice. It helps me stay out of trouble (cigarettes at bars). I just feel like all I do is work. I am working for this relationship, I am working to pay the rent, I am working to keep my job, I am working to be happy, I am working to stay sane ... I am really stressed out and eventually I am going to break. I need reinforcement, some kind of support to homd me up when I stumble. Luckily last night J****** showed me some of that support by lending me an ear to my complaints and fears. This is something that I need every now and again. I can't go at this alone, I am fighting to remain human here and I really need a rest. I'm tired, I am on the go go go go go go go go go.

I'm out of touch with my family, I am always complaining on this blog. I am tired of being out of control. I need to take control and quit accepting un due crap that comes my way. It's like junk mail, why would I keep every piece of junk mail that came to my door?. I toss it as I recieve it, so why am I not doing the same. Or why is it that I have NEVER seen the bigger picture?. I am so focused on the details that I cannot see the big picture in front of me. What the hell does that even look like?. I am becoming more so angry as I am writing this because I am fucking frustrated with myself I think I am a fucking idiot. I'm not doing it right, I am not doing anything right. No I'm doing something right. I am fighting for love, while keeping a job that I hate in order to be responsible and support myself. Thats positive.

I'm bummed out that I missed the Tori Amos show in Oakland last weekend. All of my friends went but I didnt. It's not so much that I am jealous of them, but I feel like I needed something fun to do. Something to make me happy and break away from all the responsibility and anger. All of the fear, all of the anxiety I wish it away. I need to feel free again and this job is really holding me down. I also have a horrible fear of losing my boyfriend. Either to another man or to him just calling it quits. I suppose that comes from my notion that we have to work to make things last. And I am working hard on him. I'm just tired and I need for him to take the wheel for a minute so that I can breathe.

I'm betting on the idea that everything is going to be okay. But I also need for somebody to let me know that I am correct in thinking that way. I'm not a service man to the world, rather the world should be my greatest resource for joy, information and gain. I should not have to give myself away to every customer, my boss, my co workers .... I dont owe them a thing. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired.

Smoke

I feel completely antsy this afternoon as there is nothing to do at work. And yet I feel really scared of my boss because of him writing me up last week for "slacking off". To be honest he's really begining to get under my skin, I felt really upset over that one and by his passive/aggressive behaviour. Yet Da****** shows up to work each morning late and I've heard nothing about a write up for her. So where is the justice in this?. I'm actually growing resentful toward him. I understand that I was not right in taking personal time to overcome stress, but I feel as though rules are being bent for Da****** because a tree fell on a part of her house. I'm not trying to get her in trouble, but I'm really sick of being the only one to get in trouble. And when I feel like this, I get a truly "fuck all" attidtude toward the arena.

I've always dealt with this sort of shit, and it's because I honestly dont give a fuck when the shit hits the fan. When I feel like shit I add to the pile and thats not good. But the truth is that I'm damn fucking near sick of being blamed for all the wrong. Somehow my mother keeps coming up when it comes to this one. And I do not know what good it does to say this but I find myself tired as well of getting all the blame for all of the things that my siblings do. Or how about all of the times when I was a kid and I took the blame of my cousin and the back hand of his father for the crap my cousin would pull.

I'm stressed and ...

God damn it I want a cigarette. I won't but I'm craving (thats sick isnt it). Will power will save me.

The Tower.

I just asked the cards if I should go to California this weekend and it said something about my future with the tower card. I have only heard ugly things about this card. I have only heard of people cringing over that card and ofcourse I am freaking out. It says that it's in the near future and that I need to be ready for changes. So I'm ... trying not to believe it. I'm actually getting scared of how much I am using Tarot cards these days. It is as though I am so out of control that I need these damn things to control me. And that is where I never wanted to be. So I ill have to find myself back to square one and make myself ignorant to them. Afterall the truth of it is that they do not mean anything unless you allow them to. Much like any other force of energy or power out there. So I will simply not allow this one to take me over. Unfortunatley my mind wors in such a way that this has bee recorded and now I believe it, much like I believe in most anything because I am horribly gullable.

Truth in success :

Today my horoscope says a confrontation is coming my way. I feel like Tru Calling here as I am trying to keep my eyes and earsout for who it is and when. Tomorrow I am probably going to head over to Oakland CA for a Tori Amos show. I'll probably be back home by Tuesday. Luckily my boss is being cool about me taking a few days off. The only thing is that I'm so stressed out and worn down that I don't even feel like I should be going down there for any reason.

I need to take control again over a few minor aspects of my life in order to make proper change. I need to attain a driver's license and buy a car. I need to have my house blessed and cleanse myself of negative energy through some kind of conselling. I feel as though the events of this week have left me feeling quite a void of power and direction. My job has suffered, my relationship has mended but my spirit is still healing.

Positivity can exsist even when we are at our lowest state of being. Conciousness does not have to be stress. But stress is such a present energy within our working, living and love lives. All that I seek is peace in all places. I do not like confrontation, I don't take much of a stand for myself when I believe there is something to lose. I see myself as unbalanced, because I have to hold myself back from arguing ... I somehow think that I'll either become too upset or I will go for the kill and ruin it all.

Work is driving me crazy. The more than my customers want, the more I want to flip out. I go crazy every time a customer asks me something stupid or repeats the wrong answer to me. My eating habits have gone so far off that I've put on about 10 pounds in 4 months, I must weigh about 175 now compared to the 140 I weighed last December. I do feel quite disgusting about that. Too many drinks and too much fatty food. Nothing natural and yet I feel like it's the one thing I can control but in the opposite directon. In the past I'd stop eating fo control, but that was because I lived a very seldom life. No job, a very open schedule, I had plenty of time to focus my energy on losing weight and controlling my intake. But now that I am working full time, and my life is spinning in circles, I feel as though I am rebelling against those old habits and I am eating whatever I want and whenever. And that has added a lot more me to me.

I am the director to the film that is my life. I should not accept foul play or bad actors or else my film will not be a success. I also have to take care of myself in order to make sure that everybody else recieves the best of me. This tells me that I do not see any value in myself. This tells me that I am allowing disaster to take place because I am too scared to save the world. If I wait too long for everything to feel safe.... maybe my dreams will never come true. Honest and real success come to those who took risks and put their fear on the back burner.

That Burning Wont Stop.

Tomorrow is Friday and all that I can say is get me to the fucking finish line NOW!. This week has been nothing but emotionally unstable, wreckable and disasterous. Now that everything seems to be in the clear with J******, tomorrow is his birthday and I'm wondering what to do for him. My Boss wrote me up yesterday without warning me of putting that policy into use, and threatened termination of employment if I do not make changes. On top of that I'm still recovering from the argument that Jonathan and I had over the week. Now I find myself having bits of free foating anxiety and panic attacks often. Offset by thoughts and memories. The truth is that J******* and I did not really resolve anything. We just sort of slept together and called it even. And that leaves me thinking, "Does he even like me anymore?". Because one of the last things he said to me before we diverted the conversation was "I dont see you the same way that I used to anymore, and it's going to take some time for me to like you again". So what's going on ?, and as I think about it, I get that burning feeling in my chest again like the death of a family member has just been reported to me. What is going to happen?. Why wont this burn heal?

Death is your gift.

I feel completely dead inside. I got a write up at work today for having a bad day yesterday. My boyfriend and I are on break up road. I want to work it through but somehow I dont have the energy to fight prideful accusations. My friends are sick, a girl I know just had to witness an excorsicm. I'm using Tarot cards and I'm pretty sure that my life is in chaos at this point. I think that it is important to take the wheel again ... and this time I dont know what direction to go in. I'm tempted to move out of this god forsaken town again. Leave this apartment which holds sad memories and go to some place new. Maybe I'll change my name and start a new life. Maybe I'll be a hooker on Santa Monica BLVD. Maybe I'll just die tonight and wake up in a dream tomorrow where everything is as I wanted it to be. All relationships work out, no sicknesses are to result. No emotions are blown out of porportion. All jobs mean nothing and the only thing that matters is love. So where is love ?. I feel so judged and punished from the one I care most, I feel so lost in the battle now that I can't pick my body up from on the ground. I do feel completely alone again ... and alone is the last place I wanted to be. Somewhere out there I don't believe that God intended for me to find a mate. So many humans example a style of living, sex before love, love conditioned by sex. Is there anybody else out there who will see me for me and respect my values?, who will let me love them and not call me a freak. Oh you sick circumsised world, cut off from all true ties. Oh you sad grave dissapointment, a life so full of lies. Nothing is perfect; this I do know, but tell me why do I feel so all alone. I scream to the sky "God wontyou throw me a bone". I've been chastized and let down, I've accepted to seek through. But somehow, sometime .... I have to let this die. I'm dying inside and it's like suffocation .... I'd like to trust again but this story just re affirms to me that nothing ever works out. It will always die ... always.

Morbid Curiosity

I'm standing in the wind with tears building in my eyes.
Cold rain, whipping, dripping ;cascading upon my cheeks.
Chill, freeze and sorrow.
You won't see me tomorrow.
Standing cliffside and through the clouds I see
something more than you, and someone more like me.
Is this boat still standing, oh why wont it whisk me away.
Save me from this aweful ground, sweep me far, far away.
Take me on a holiday.

Turn around, back to the gael.
Wonder if this boat will ever set sail?.
The wind settles, knees in shackles.
Worries free and sorrows settled.
Something special about the moment
when I gave up on hope
Took my life upon a rope.
Settled sail .....
The finale to this tale.

Untitled

SAVE ME !

YOU MOTHER FUCKER !

JUST FUCKING SAVE ME !!

SAVE ME FROM THIS PAIN !

THESE THOUGHTS !

THIS LET DOWN !!

AND THEY SAY THAT GOD IS ON MY SIDE

WELL WHRE IS THAT GOD WHEN EVERYONE HAS DIED

Because I'm tired of waiting for somebody to love me.
And I'm tired of feeling alone.
I know they say your family loves you.
But there are always too many needs.
Needs ... needs ... needs .... NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS !

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE

I'M BEING PUNISHED HERE

YOU DONT SEE IT

HOW CAN YOU SEE IT

PUNISHMENT

ANGER

PUNISHMENT

IM HUMAN

DONT THREAT

DONT THREAT

Numb, Cold and Lonely

Just when you think it's al going well, your actions cause a tidle wave of betrayal and hurt. Where do we draw the line though?. Last night I confessed to my boyfriend that I'd had a few smokes as of late and he quickly got off of the phone with me. Moments later I am swarmed with messages of his being angry at me, upset and let down ... and then he told me not to be surprised when he cheats on me. . .

These words are stting on my chest as I try to justify his anger and let go of my own pain, and yet I can't do it. A smoke versus infidelity- you choose the draw here for I cannot see the connection. I understand that I made a promise to him not to smoke anymore and I've done damn well of it. Somehow I figured that one or two smokes was not "the breakdown", that if he were to ask me how I was doing with it, I'd tell him the truth but not flaunt around saying "Oh I smoked a cigarette with my guinness tonight !!". I'm trying so hard to work on his end with this one but I can't go there at the moment, I can't make myself out as the bad guy again when all I have ever done is try for this boy. I've even given up worrying; until now.

Last night as I walked all over downtown to clear my thoughts I began to talk out loud to myself. I'm scared to ask him to talk to me for I feel as though he's going to tell me "it's over". And although I am trying to project good energy upon it, I feel a sunken ship within like he's going to let me down. God help me, God help me, God help me ...

Last night I did not sleep at all. I layed there with tears in my heart but nothing on my face. Fears of being alone again raped my will to be optimistic. I prayed out to a God I once knew and asked for a guide ... somebody to love me. For if I can't love myself and my attemtps to show love for another have faild me yet again - then where is my love?. I am convincing myself that I'm not worthy of it because it's never here long enough to hold me in its warmth. I an't breathe, my lungs are hollow and my chest is heavy again. And somehow I am preparing my heart for the worst because I don't know if I'll win. . . I'm too tired to fight today.

The hardest part is that I do not want to move on. I don't want this to end, I want it to work out. Without details I'll be honest that I feel a bit hurt by him that he won't see me for me in this situation and I am now begining to feel taken for grantid. Because I've done all in my power, I've given my finances and I've shared more of myself with this guy than anybody ever allowed me to before. And yet last night ... last night I felt so much spite coming from him. A threat and a scauld - I'm not a child here and emotions should not be punished. Nobody is right or wrong in an argument it is only moral or immoral. Yes ... smoking is not healthy, perhaps I didn't think it was that big of a deal to have one. But now he's questioning my authenticity ... and this is one that I'll just have to deal with. God this fucking hurts .... it hurts because it's numb, cold and lonely in here.

The Power of No.

I have allowed myself not to dwell on the little things anymore. I've told myself that "It's bullshit" and that one should not dwell upon the imagination for too long. And though there is so much of me that lives within the imagination I hve to believe in my power over the mind to get me through the lonely, hard and insecure times.

Last night as he left my apartment from a week together, I felt sad, alone and scared. Why did goodbye for now feel so bad. And why was it that I felt my fears whispering ino my ear all of the stories they once told. Why did I feel as though he didnt want to be around me. Why was I imagining him running off to make a phone call to a secret boy on the side and why did I allow myself to sit up nearly in tears for about 45 minutes. The truth is that I felt alone again for the first time in a week and it took 2.1 seconds for me to miss him like all hell again.

But the truth is that everything is beautiful and nothing is wrong. So I allowed for those thoughts to take place and I allowed myself to think them through with the knowledge that it was not real at all. Nothing is real until make into reality. I am starting to belive more so than ever that our thoughts conduct our reality. So I must stop allowing my insecurities and my negativity run the show. I believe in this relatonship, I've always been willing to work through anything in order to make it work. There is only one thing that I will not work with and that it betrayal of the heart and flesh.

So te lesson I am teaching myself is to surrender my control through not believing my mind. I've submitted my will toward a sense of "let it flow" and not worry. This has opened trust between J******* and I. We're more open than ever, and I feel a great success in this so far. I am also having to learn how not to fear voicing myself, and choose my battles. In the begining I felt as though I had to knit pick every "issue". Well every issue is not worth fighting, and every word is not worth breaking down. Sometimes we just have to accept what simply is the moment in order to work through it. And often times we learn that the outcome we feared, does not come through if we do not project it. So let's stop projecting the outcome and our mind will un-learn how to create it. This is the powerof No.

Nothing

Okay .... so I feel a bit probed and somewhat more seinsitive than I wanted to be today. "Everythings going to be alright" I keep telling myself, I need to put these thoughts to rest. I need to not let distrust hurt me. I need not to pretend that anything is wrong, or that I'm about to be fired. I need not to focus on the negative but the temptation is here telling me to panic. So I'll try my best not to run from the fire as perhaps today it's best to burn, maybe it'll embrace me and show me that everything's okay.

Give me life

give me pain

give me my-self again

God it's hard to sway these thoughts, denial is probably the best when it comes to this. Denial enables me to remember that nothing is wrong when everything becomes confusing. I'm so afraid of it going wrong but today I will not let that happen. It takes work and sometimes it feels "fake" but I am determined to make this work, I am determined to prove to myself that my thoughts are my reality. And though I may be denying the fear, I am also doing a justice to my heart by telling myself that nothing at all is wrong. Nothing at all. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothingness is my friend in the hour of doubt. So it's time to focus again upon the positive ! and not to worry that time will create the enemy.

Let It Go

This morning he recieved a text message from a boy that I do not like. A "frenemy" as they say. He showed and ounce of desire by his care and therefore I found myself a bit worried. This boy stole an ex from me in front of my face one year ago, and somehow he is back in my life. I cannot judge for they met on the same day before we did; only I met my boyfriend hours later. Last week J****** was telling me about how this boy Cr** wanted to meet up with him to mess around, this pretty much threw up a red flag to me. And while I wanted to find Cr** and kick his ass for even thinking of doing this again I also realized that he does not know I exsist in the middle of his desire.

The two issues here is ... well no there are three. The first is that Cr** has no boundaries, the second is that he is HIV positive and the third is that I question my boyfriend's desires. Does J****** value me over everyone else, or would a tryst with Cr** mean "sex" and sex only to him?. The major issue there would be for our health, if J****** has sex or even messes around with him, he is putting our relationship on the line and our health on the grill. I don't trust Cr** at all. And though I respect hi as a human being, I do not believe that he is a genuine and respectful person.

Sometimes I feel out of the loop as being white, as they are both bi racial. Somehow being white makes me feel like the underdog, and the "enemy". Sometimes I feel like I cannot compare to that connection. The truth is that I trust my boyfriend, I trust him because I have to. I trust him because if I do not, then I am opening the door for my worst fears to unfold before me. So I trust him because of his word. He tells me that he does not like Cr** in that way. But the simple fact that Cr** likes J****** makes me feel really intimidated. When all of this goes through my mind, I can go two ways with it. I can choose to take it as a battle, and keep an eye on my boyfriend; thus choosing to display distrust, or I can do nothing and show my boyfriend that i do indeed trust and respect him. For it is my ownpast with this Cr** dude that makes me feel anxious over there freindship.

The people that we choose to "hang" with show something about our desires inside. What I learned from hanging with Cr**, Aaron, Kolt and the gang, showed me a side to their group which displayed immaturity and lack of self control. Thankfully I resigned my position there before I allowed it to ruin my life. I'm not saying that I wish my boyfriend would do the same, but I feel as though I have a sense of knowledge when it comes to this boy. I feel as though I've chosen to depart from that group of people and I am somewhat upset that this one character has come back into my life, and between my boyfriend (once again).

In the end, I've been trying my best not to lay in my head over matters that are not in exsistence. It is not fair to anybody here to assume anything. So I am requiring myself to accept the current situation as long as it does not present itself as a problem. I am also trying hard not to feel any "needs" when it comes to being affirmed by my boyfriend. All that matters is that he and I enjoy each other's intimacy, company and respect enough to continue on with each other. I will not fear anything that has not come to my doorstep. But if there is ever a moment when it becomes clear to me that something is going wrong I will have no choice but to take action. So I will continue to try and keep the peace here. For I respect my boyfriend andI believe that he respects me too. And before I end this - I will let that one voice speak a few words.

"Please do not do anything to taint this trust. For if you do, then I will find myself broken again. 'Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it'. All that I can too is show you my love and I pray that you do not show me any reason not to love again".

Warrior

"A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes; someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves." -

DailyOM.com

Last night I had to confront an ugly situation head on with a friend of mine who is very jealous of my boyfriend. As I was busy with a work event and away from my cell phone, this friend of mine took my cell phone and read a text message from my boyfriend who was at my house while we were out. He was simply asking that I stop by his house to grab him a set of clothes for work today. As she read this, she took it into her power to respond with "Sure ... I'm so glad that I'm your bitch.".

By the time I got back to our table to see that she was playing with my phone, I immediatley looked into my "sent messages" folder and noticed that message which was sent to J*******. Words could not describe the anger that was going through my blood as I called him to apologize and respond to any pain or confusion that may have sent to him. What the hell was her problem?, why would she fuck with me and my boyfreind like that?. When he answered, I could tell that he was upset and confused. I told him that I loved him and that I was very upset with what had just happened. He understood, and I followed through with my word to grab his clothes on my way home.

By the time that she'd realized I was gone, I was half finished with my conversation with J****** when I got an interruptng call from A**sha who was apologizing and claiming to be so concerned. As I confronted her on the matter she tried to justify herself with "Well you and I dont talk much anymore" and I told her "Not an excuse, you have no rights to send ANY messages to ANYbody in my contact lists" and shes looking a me as though she gives a shit, when I know that she does not. Later the same conversation happened and as she tried to once again say "I didnt know he was so sensitive", I said "I don't give a shit, you don't know him and you were rude to him, in my name." I then threatened her to say "I would never text your boyfriend and say 'Hey Derek, I know what your girlfriend's been up to with another guy named Anthony". At that point she grew increadibly quiet and seemed to be terrified.

I told her that I would not do such a thing, but that her actions that evening were just as bad. Her intentions were to be rude to my boyfriend and make him think that I was being an asshole. I'm baffled and do not understand the reasoning in her mind as to what the HELL gave her the temporary right to take business into her own hands. This woman is 28 years of age and sometimes I feel as though I am more mature and respectful than she will ever be in all of her years. I mean this is bullshit ... do NOT fuck with my boyfriend or you will be cut out and called out.

This is why I have that quote above. Last night I felt the warrior take responsibility from within. I fought for my boyfriends heart as well as our relationship. I took a stand against a "friend" and asserted my position as a man to her. This was not scary nor was it intimidating. This was a matter of business, this was a matter of defense and honesty. I'm fighting to keep this relationship, I'm fighting for him, I'm fighting for me. I'm fighting for a confusion free environment. And I don't think that I need to involve myself with those who are immature enough to willfully take my identity for a moment and hurt my boyfreind. Not cool .... not cool at all.

Hideaway . . .

The Corrs

China

Lyrics and words by Tori Amos (1992)

China all the way to new york
I can feel the distance getting close
Youre right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks dont seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say well take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want to me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China all the way to new york
Maybe you got lost in mexico
Youre right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you

I can feel the distance getting close

I need you to be strong.

Lest not the romance die.
lets not be for you and I.
Insecure, as hard as it may.
Today I love you, today I say.
Don't give up on us.
For hope is not forgotten even in black sky.
A new day will always come tomorrow.
Please don't you let hope die.
My heart is full of wonder
A need to let you in
A circle in the center
A absolution to sin.
For you have brought me happiness.
And I hope for you the same.
This hope which rests on my heart
Suddenly as wel walk I feel it's right back to the start.
Please don't say we've got full circle
for life's too large for that.
I'm not giving up
I need you to be strong
for you and I. Most especially I.
My darling, I need you to be strong.
My darling, I need you to hold on.
Look to the sky above,
understand that you are the holder
to this precious love.

Nude

Everytime we go through this. I go through hell. And with your simple mention of doubt I am killing myself over what I've done wrong. The truth is that I long to love you, long to care. I need you to open up to the fact that I'm only human, and time is something that we just have to deal with. What matters most is that I love you. So please don't break up with me because you're scared. Please dont leave me stranded in a pool of blood from a shattered vile. Slipped fom the hands of those who became over confident. Ever so delicate my heart aches for acceptance, love and respect. I see you, but can you see me ?. Can you see my heart in pure form?. Haven't you heard me cry at night, don't you see these eyes. They look into you, they want to see your soul. These eyes are not crying, these eyes are wide awake. But every moment that you hold doubt ... these eyes turn away. I'm terrified of the answer, nobody wants to be broken. So why would you do that to me ... after all that I've tried to prove to you. Is it not enough that I hold love and care? is it not enough that I miss you to the point that my heart aches when you are gone?. And yet you say that you were not ready for this .... the walls of my heart which I let you break down ... exposed and nude, don't turn away now without leaving me a robe. Please dont do more damage to this vulnerable heart. I long to keep it pure but if pain comes my way - I'll have to take the pure new heart and put it away. For sake of hardening the heart .... for sake of pride. But most of all - to keep any tear from even rolling from my eyes.

I Miss Him.

I have not heard much from J****** as of late. From what he did tell me, he has been doing some work on himself which is fine. I just had no clue, I assumed that I had done something wrong. I miss him a lot and sometimes I am scared and embarrassed to express it because I don't want him to think that I am naggy and obsessive. But I do, I miss him a lot. I miss his kiss, his eyes, his voice, his arms, I miss his thoughts and his ideas and his hand which holds mine. God I just miss him. And as I slept alone on Thanksgiving I did have a great thanks for not being truly alone on this holiday. I've spent so many years wishing to have somebody to hold during the holidays. And now I do. And I am thankful for that, and I'm thankful for J****** for teaching me more about myself by simply examining my energy. So ... while I miss him, I know that he needs time alone and it's my position to respect him and support him in that. So I will. But God do I long to hold him in my arms and give him a kiss. To hear that sweet voice express his needs and desires. Arg I miss him.

Music.

Music has no ego, it has no mind, it just is. It does not think, it is not afraid, music is bold. Music is pure. Music is the human spirit. It does not define man; but it drives us to be better. It teaches us how to be human. It's an outer worldly source; yet it's full in the earth. Music is not god, music is not a man, nor a woman. It is pure emotion. Music is not "I'm black, I'm white" it is the rhythym of the soul. Music is form, and it is right, music is everything. Music is the nothingness and fullness of the soul. It soothes and strokes, it pets and smokes. It's as alive as you and I and yet, it is so completely free of the ego in essence. Like a new soul, a fallen star, a gem in the coal; music is the song and dance of the soul.

I gave you my all ....

Life's changed. Friday did happen. Now were at odds and arguing. The little things. Feelings hurt, all that it means, and all that it's not. Sometimes I don't know how to say "I feel hurt". Yet here I am taking the blame for trying to express that. Am I that big of a fucker?, am I mean?. Whats wrong here?. I could not express, so I shut down. And yet .... now were on "hold". An agreement made by one and not all. For I respect too much and fear the loss of all that is us. Numb and broken, my body should feel a "loss", yet I'm telling myself ... everyone goes through it. Your virginity should not be praised, nor celebrated when lost. Somehow I dont know if there was any concept of tha value that I gave .... I gave you my virginity.

The Big One.

I lost my virginity last night. I gave it away.

I lost my virginity - why must we say it that way.

What do we gain when "purity" is lost?.

Lost is such a strong word, a suggestion of emptiness.

And though I feel somewhat alone emotionally,

and though I know ... I was somewhat ready.

All that I pray is that emotion will go steady.

So please ... and I mean this please, don't treat me like a horse.

For I'm raw, and open and I feel the start of a new course.

"You're a man now" so they say, honey I don't think it'll ever be that way.

Some parts of me are crying for the innocence lost.

My body is lying in a puddle of lust.

But with each lesson learned, and at the end of the day.

First sexual experiences, are bound to take place some day.

So why not here, why not now?.

Sure it wasn't a castle or a fairytale.

The candles that you always longed for,

the music that you thought you'd play.

The kisses wished returned with praise.

The worries of today.

Songs : Define an emotion, tell you a story of how I feel t'day.

Natalie Imbruglia "Smoke"


The Corrs "Long Night"


Fiona Apple "Extraordianry Machine"

------
I don't feel too happy today.
Sometimes it just gotta be that way.
Feeling kind of confused again.
Always something, always men.
Always indigo, always blue.
Wish I had your back to cry on, wish I had you.
Distiant like china, sands not on my shore.
Holding back the thought process, can't take it any more.
All I feel, is all I care.
Where are you when I take the dare.
Spot me when, see me now.
Wont you please show me you care, please somehow.
In my mind I trust you, in your actions I doubt.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all in vain.
Days like yesterday, I can see your pain.
But when I try to help you
you tell me you're "okay"
like I've ruined a great moment for you
Why am I TO BLAME ??.
I need a little support in this
because even great men fall.
For depression, doubt and sadness is knocking at my door.
Love is of great richness,
_________ is for the poor.

Something in the meantime

Devendra Banhart "Shake Shugaree"

Walking in line with the night fox.

Words can hurt. Actions kill. But I've done nothing to make the world doubt. I've been trying to show that you're a king. Today I feel as though you could give a shit. Small cuts, little comments ... I dont deserve to be treated like a bitch. I'm your equal - why would you do that to me ?. Why do I need to feel like such an asshole when I make a different plan. Why do you need to call other men sexy? , what's the need for this confusion. God I just long for an easy interaction. I long to be honest, real and drama free.

I'd give you everything ... I'd give you my all. I dont doubt you, I just don't understand why your words hurt me so. I would never try to hurt you; so why do you comment under your breath, laugh and not tell me why, stare and pretend not to lust?. Are you trying to keep me in check? are you trying to scare me?. Why ... why .... why, I'm not going anywhere. Do you want this too? .... why do I fear. I HATE THIS FUCKING FEAR. It wont leave me ... I need support. I dont know where to find it when I feel like I am being punished through short conversation and un defined commentery. Am I too much ?, am I a fucking idiot ? .... what is wrong with me. I feel hurt, sad and ofcourse because what else is new .... worried.

Sometimes I just need a support to know that I'm doing everything okay, and that I'm not walking in this line with a night fox. Am I just a meantime boy until prince charming comes your way ?.

So my heart's on my sleeve again ... threads are frayed. Split ends are showing .... I'm a mess.

Pu'er says no

I know they are my customers but JESUS .. some people just piss me off. There is nothing worst than a "shopper" in the world of sales. I don't work for questions baby, I work to make a knick in the chalk board of revenue. Yeah it's come to this. With a new boss and my job on the line I'm becoming exhausted by those who want me to work for nothing. It's not fair to ask me how cheap it is to fly from Denver to Bangkok, to Los Angeles to China, to Amsterdam to Berlin to adda hostel in Paris and stay for three months in Capetown .... oh and "Is that the lowest you can find". Sometimes it takes about an hour or more to answer these questions and offer a price quote to a customer that is going to buy a ticket off of Orbitz.com for $10.00 cheaper. And that is my rant for the hour. Holy crap that pisses me off.

Tori Amos@Blender.com Toxic Tampax Edition.

I haven't posted here for a few days, life's been crazy and ofcourse I'll go through it all in a post soon if not later today. But in the meantime why dont you check out this hillarious clip from Tori Amos @ blender.com

This is The Right Time !

It's been a few days since I've written over here. I'm been working more at work than ... normal. I'm moving into my apartment today / tomorrow. Unfortunatley due to our schedules J****** and I have not seen each other all week, except for yesterday. So I'm trying my best not to be sad about it, I'm just trying to live it one day at a time. Last night I showed him the apartment and wen I got home from my new home, I had this odd dream which .. I think represented liberation. In the dream I was walking around an apartment naked and saying "so what it's my place", eventually in the dream I was making love to my boyfriend. It was an intriguing dream, but also created a sense of anxiety within me; as I am coming to terms with the fact that I am about to be accountable for everything that I do in my home. Sometimes I fear that I will feel alone, but I know that I will be okay.

J****** has been somewhat quiet lately, I dont recieve as many text messages as before, we haven't talked on the phone much. Sometimes I worry that I am doing something wrong, or that time is keeping us apart. Little worries which I will have to push aside in order to keep a positive hold on this growing relationship. I want us to work out, and I want to work with him on keeping it strong. I am intent on making this one last, and keeping it as fresh and new as they day we met. He's a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit and I think the world of him. It's just that I miss him when he is gone, and sometimes as communication is harder to use - I feel worried. For once it's not a trust worry, but more of a "do you still like me?".

My thoughts are always out there to defeat me, and do in result I have taken up a success course with J****** and his mother on Monday evenings. This Monday we watched a 45 minute seminar from india on "The addiction to suffering", and how humans are addicted to thoughts of suffering weather it is in projection or defense. We are all obsessed with our thoughts and therefore we are surrounded by suffering. If we are to focus on nothingness, and understand the vast amount of blankness on the paper of our minds we can then write in short words what is truly a communication to the spirit.

On Monday shortly after leaving this seminar, I came out to my brother over a beer. He told me that he's known I was gay for a ouple weeks, ever since his ex girl Amb**** revealed t him that she had run into me and my boyfriend at the movies. So he was not surprised, and was surprisingly happyfor me. This proved to me that opening up to others is not as scary as anticipated especially from those you care about and grew up with. My life is changing and I think that it's becoming obvious how caring change can be when presented at the right time.

Thank You

What a beautiful morning it is my love and how I wish that I chould share it with none other than you. The touch of your lips, the grip of your hands, your beautiful body and your irresistable smile; all which allow me to know that trust and excitement can exsist. I once thought I'd never do this again, I was convinced of a failed outlook for love. But you have shown me that hard work does pay off and persistence is not a game. So I thank you for each blessed moment, and I long to see you more. For every moment away from you is like three years times four. The fire in you brings out the beauty in me, will you take my hand and walk to stream?. Oh my beautiful boy ... I cannot thank you enough for the affection, the kisses, the hugs and most of all the support that you give to me. In a phrase, thank you.

Embarrasment in the aspect of S***. A conclusion to self.

So I want to re evaluate the emotions that I was going through yesterday. I was feeling quite alone and confused. I had a pretty bad hangover and I was not feeling too fair. After work, I met up with J****** and we discussed the situation. It turns out that we were both feeling the same way within the company of others. Apparently we both felt like a third party member to the two sides of the coin. I to K*** anf J***** and he to K*** and I. So the lesson that I learned through this is that I needed to be more emotionally attentive to my boyfriend and not just to myself. The only confusion that I felt from that time was from not knowing that J****** felt the same way. So I feel somewhat guilty for feeling so insecure, and I also learned that I need to not allow my emotions to control me. I've always allowed them to take over. I'm not one to look at the big picture, I am very caught up on the color schemes and pixels.

Now is the time in my life when I need to gain a bit more self control. And gaining that, means controlling myself from going to far in the head when I think something is going on (in there). I will have to try my best not to control the world and do a better job of becoming like water, flowing through the world from end to end, and experience the beautiful cleanse of worry and fear. I apologised to J****** for letting my own fears of the past dictate the present. I need to let go of those fears and trust in the beautiful being that he is. And though it will be a challenge not to see the scorn of Aaron; which scared and hurt me, I will have to just trust J****** and care for us as a piece.

One of my favorite interviews with Andrea Corr (though I cannot find it anywhere online), is one where she describes a relationship as "Remembering The Stranger", a philosphy which requires one to remember that once upon a time, two beings held a whole life before they met one another, and to hold on to the preciousness of affection. I do not own my boyfreind and he does not own me. All that we have is today, all that we are is us. I have nothing more than respect and attraction to this boys heart. I want to protect his heart and learn to heal my own. Sometimes I feel scared of -- scaring him. I dont want to be intense, intensity is a turn off. So I am indeed intimidated by the posts and feelings that I felt and wrote yesterday.

Today I am kicking ass at work, making sales and I found out that I can move into my apartment on Tuesday. It's a pretty good turn around from the darkness that I surrounded myself with yesterday. Sometimes I feel as though I surround myself in my own inner darkness, when all that I want is for peace and love [ew, that was aweful hippie of me]. In the end, all that I need is a bit more control over my emotions, and to learn how to trust others, especially when I know that they care about me. I do feel some embarrassment with this aspect of S***.

An Aching Heart.

Today is one of the darkest days I've had in months. I'm feeling horribly sick, alone and disappointed. I haven't talked to J****** yet about what happened last night and how horrible it made me feel. And yet I want to turn to him and hug him and let my tears dry on his shoulder. I feel lost and scared, angry and confused. And though these words are pouring from me, somehow I feel like something is terribly wrong. Perhaps it is the hour and a half sleep I got last night, waking with a hang over. Maybe it's the dizziness in my head and the fog of pain looming over me. Maybe I don't feel so happy. Because for the first time in 3 months I am deathly depressed and I don't know who to turn to.

I can't look inward for my head is spinning and my body aches, my heart is bleeding and my souls confused. All that I ever wanted was an equal attraction, an equal mate, an equal partner. I'm so fucking insecure, I'm trying my hardest to hold on, but my grip is losing. God I want you in my life J******, I want you to ease my pain, but when pain comes from the flirtation that I witnessed ... I feel as though I have been cheated. I try so hard to support you, I want to give my all to you. And yet what I experienced last night, tears on my heart and tells me to hide again. I dont want to hide, you've shown me the path of care again. To care more about somebody than your own self . . . and yet to feel insecure of your actions, your efforts. Does it all go in vain?.

Something inside of me says "love will never last", so I'm always wearing a medi-pack to heal my wounds. The truth is that flirting should not be a threat, and I am being so god damn selfish to feel this way when I see you flirt with my friend. I don't want to lose you to anybody else. God damn it, that's happened to me too many times. Somehow I feel as though you want him, a lust that I cannot compete. These letters and words may describe these emotions but they do not heal them. Maybe sleep will heal this exhaustion. All I want is you.

So what do I do now, when trust is in question?. I do not want you to think that I do not trust you, for I've opened that door to you. But trust is a tricky game and it opens the door to 24 hours of questions and pain. Will I ever find the courage inside and the security to know that there is no other man for you but me?. For I have not looked into another man's eyes with hope since the moment we first kissed. My body is burning and I am torn over such a little hour in our lives. I fear to tell you this for I do not want to fight. I'm crawling on my knees to vomit up this confusion, but dry heaves and chills just keep me from defusion. I just want you to be mine, I just want today to turn fine. God won't you take this pain away. The pulse of my heart is squeezing, I'm suffocating in silence. Maybe my exhaustion has turned to self induced inner-violence. Just one kiss .... just one kiss... you are the one, the only one that I miss. Won't you please just hold me until these tears are gone?.

Lost Again

Called the property managers. My apartment is not ready yet, and I cannot move in until next weekend. Sometimes I wonder how long ... how long it takes to become me. Why there are so many limitations, what's going on right now?. I don't feel secure with anything right now. After last night I'm questioning so much, after today I'm wondering if I will ever have a space to think alone. All I want to do is find a small space and let a few tears out because I feel lost again.

Heart Like a Wheel

HEART LIKE A WHEEL :

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

They say that death is a tragedy
It comes once and then it's over
But my one only wish is for that deep dark abyss
For what's the use of living with no true lover

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand please
God hold my hand
Is why it should have happened to me

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out on mid-ocean
And it's only love and it's only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love

My Heart At The Botton Of The Ocean

I can't believe it as I wake from a sleepless night.
The image of your eyes upon him, sure gave me a fright.
Oh what magic was in the air that halloween night.
Give me peace and tell me you care.
Give me love and promise me, you won't go anywhere.
Give me loyalty so that I can fully dive into this journey of love.


Last night I went to dinner with J****** and met up with my friend K*** at my job. Immediatley I somehow took notice to J****** changing tones quickly as K*** came in looking like a member of my chemical romance. I'm not blind, I can see when a man is intrigued by another. And while I tried not to let it get under my skin; the little things proved me right. There were times last night that I felt as though I was being pushed off by my own boyfriend so that he and K*** could joke around and play. And while I was probably too drunk, oh hell we were all pretty trashed by 1 a.m.; I felt somewhat upset and alone with the other two.

There we have a friend of mine and my boyfriend and ... my boyfriend is just going on and on about K***. By the end of the night as I walked him home it felt as though he was more concerned about how K*** got home, than of which how we were barely getting him home. I saw the way J****** would look at K*** everytime he'd say something new. And if I tried to kiss J*******, he'd hold back. This is major iffy behaviour, and I cannot help but feel somewhat at odds about it this morning. All that I want to do is care for J****** and share each other.

I can remember when I first met him, and he'd look at me that way. And though I know he still likes me, it also scares the fucking shit out of me to see him go gitty around another guy. And while he's always openly checking other guys out and in result making me feel insecure, I accept him for him, as long as he is loyal to my offering. I'm just -- confused about how he reacted to K*** last night, and I feel somewhat hurt. And I know that's probably coming from a very selfish place in me, for I should not require any boyfriend to only look at me and not admire the beauty of others. It's just that I am very unsure of man's capacity to committ to each other. Men cheat, men lust and men scare the crap out of me. I can honestly say, that from the day I met J******, I've not even taken a second look or tried to offer myself to any other man. And there have been offers. But I believe so strongly in holding a coupling as sacred, and nothing to tinker with.

So please be honest
if there is another boy than me
let my heart sink into a bottomless sea.
for that is where
my heart will be.

Please Join In A Global STOP To HIV/AIDS

"AIDS is no longer a disease, it's a human rights issue" - Nelson Mandela, 2003 [46664 Concert]

Today I found out that my friend J*** has HIV. After a month or so of thinking that he had Scarlet Fever, it turns out that he is HIV positive. This has been getting to me all day since I found out about it. I'm concerned for him, I feel angry and I feel effected. I want him to be okay, I want this disease to die before it kills us all. Nobody deserves this. And while I can only hold out hope for him I am extremely let down by this news. We are too young for this and yet we are scentenced to disease and doubt. I pray for him the courage and grace to get through this. Yes our actions bring us to this diasnosis, but awareness and a fight for the cure is essentail. Somehow I feel as though our own government sits back laughing at the oppression this world is under by the affect of HIV/AIDS, I do not want my friends to die. Please ... can't we do something more?. Can't we save each other from this terror?. Please visit http://46664.com/home.php for more information on how you can help put a global STOP to HIV/AIDS and spread awareness for those who are still in the dark.

No One

This is just one of those songs that makes you feel satisfied inside.

Desperation.

He's not answering his phone .... did I do something wrong?.

Projection.

This morning I saw Aaron as I was getting off of the bus line to the University. He looked handsome but sneaky and scary as always. And for two seconds as I realized where that bus was heading, I began to worry. Assuming that he was catching a ride to the mall across town where J****** works, I had this horrible image come into my mind. The vision of Aaron going to my boyfriends store and flirting with him. This is pure insecurity and fear I know, but I still dont trust that piece of shit ex boyfriend Aaron. He did it the entire time we dated, and I'd not be surprised if he tried to land this towns fresh gay face. And the unfortunate thing about it is that sometimes I have fears that if I'm not putting out for my boyfriend fast enough, that he will go off to find somebody who's willing to for a tryst or two. If I'm going to look at this paragraph and break it down; I'm going to have to say that I am still scared of relationships unthanks to what Aaron pulled on me. And I am projecting that fear into my present relationship once more.

Sex Education

What if I have HIV and I dont even know it?. Sometimes I am terrified of the fact that ... you never know where your partners have been before they got to you. And if you trust them for a single hand moment, you could throw your own health to the dumpster. Unlike before, I'm not so much thinking that I am at risk right now, but I did get this cold sore on my tounge and I got all freaked out and now I'm scared .... one never knows and there is only one way to solve the problem if I were to think there is a problem at hand ... get tested.

This brings to mind the importance of a sexual education in school. The controversial topic has always been a staple in the public school systems and even now within private schools. Growing up, I was always surrounded by the Catholic debate that sex education is immoral and that it should be kept outside of the school system. What we are supposed to learn was the process of natural family planning. A process in which Catholics have scientificly identified the best ways not to get pregnant. Beyond natural birth control, the idea that a condom means sin, and disease means result to immoral behaviour has grown to stump me in terms of keeping the youth informed and healthy.

Taking my own ignorance for example, it is so important to be informed about how you can prevent and contract STD's. HIV/AIDS is probably the worst fear that I have as a homosexual male. I watched my second cousin die of AIDS in the 1990's, due to drug use and a shared needle. It always scared me, and now I am living in an age where medication can save time but not guarantee a lifetime. I was barely aware of the fact that you could get ghonorrea from oral sex, less was I aware of the fact that a drop of pre cum is enough to contract HIV.

We live in denial when it comes to sex. Some of us use it to cure the pain, others like myself are somewhat fearful of it for sake of lost purity. As a Catholic, I have grown to hide my sex drive and work with my mind. Which in itself is not bad, but where I fail is that Sex is in hiding ... so when I have it, I am almost trying to do a rush job, so not to enjoy it enough to feel the guilt of "sin" dawn upon my shoulders. And though I do not see sex as a sin, there will always be that part of me which is questioning sensuality and sexuality and pleasure. Due to this sense of denial, I have set myself up for ignorance ... it's not bliss and it will kill us all. So it's about time that I get tested and read up on my human sexuality lessons. Once more before I finish, I cannot stress the importance of letting our teens know what not to do, and where not to play in order to keep a healthy tomorrow for the youth of today.

Silence

Sometimes it works for the best of us when we feel intimidated by something larger than our comfort zone. Silence has been an ally in my own life when it comes to my personal life and some of my true emotions. But what's to come of silence in a relationship?. Things between J****** and I are both strengthening and losing balance. I don't know what to do when he is quiet, sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong, or that I dont interest him anymore. Sometimes I feel like he does not want me anymore, and that come the single hand moment of offered passion from another man, I may be tossed aside for sake of his bodily pleasure. I am trying to be pure with this relationship, but is purity not popular?, am I taking this too seriously?, I dont know how else to treat a man. I believe in respect and loyalty. And I know that J****** likes me a lot, it's just that sometimes I worry that I am not fulfilling his needs. This is yet another inescurity of mine to work through. I just need a little confirmation from him that I'm doing alright with him, and that I mean something special to him, as me means something special to me.

Poiché Mi preoccupo

All that I can say is please dont runaway from my care. Don't be afraid because I've got your back. And when the world outside there can't see you, I will find you. And when the sky outside is grey, I will point you to the side of the world where the sky owns the sun. And when you feel as though this is all too much. I will long to kiss you when you claim to tell me that it's all said and done. I'm a lover, not a fighter but I will fight for you. I'm not a liar but I can try for you, I'm nothing short of a hopeless romantic, this I share with you. Your need for privacy makes me want to show you. Your strength for life gives me hope and your few shed tears, show me that we're doing okay. You're okay babe, don't you worry, you're still young boy ... but I'll tell ya, life's not such a hurry. So don't be afraid love, don't be afraid to call on me at the eleventh hour. Because I care ....

Are you aware, honey I care.

Relationships.

Relationships:

I have always based my relationships upon trust, honesty,loyalty, communication and intimacy. These five components are what I believe to be the formula for a strong relationship. Unfortunatley these five attributes have never been returned to me. Although I find it hard to let go, I've been openly cheated on, lied to and made into a fool for the public to see. This is why I have a harder time trusting than most would on a Friday night in a bar. I don't trust, and that's one of the issues that find their way as a road block in my relationships. When all is silent, I become fearful of the events that could be taking place when I am not around. And when all is okay, I am fearing that there is something not being said which needs saying.

Last night I had the chance to get to know my boyfriend a little better. Without telling the details in our conversation, I feel as though he and I connected on an emotional level. I told him that my main fear was of him being dishonest and unloyal to me. Because when I am in a relationship, I take it very serious. I am not looking for a cute piece of ass to penetrate, I'm looking for connection, emotion, vulnerability and love. I am not like most men my age, I am very classical when it comes to respect and loyalty. And this is where I once more find fear; I am well aware of the fact that most men, no matter how nice they may be .... are creatures of sexual habit. And this is why I have remained a Virgin for as long as today; for sake of controlling my sexuality and owning it, so not to abuse it and percieve it as empty and for pleasure only.

Judgement and Acceptance.

My life is changing so rapidly that I cannot account for half of the things that are going on around me. Stressed and confused; but confident in this change, I am embracing it as it comes. On Sunday I met up with my boyfriend at the mall and we walked hand in hand as wel always do. Mid way through our walk between Hot Topic and the food court I ran into my brother's ex girlfriend L****. As we continuted to hold each others hand I froze with shock; would L**** tell my brother that she'd run into me at the mall and saw me with another man?. Would she blab onward to the rest of our family that S*** has a boyfriend?.

As I walked away from the food court trying to find acceptence enough within to walk in confidence with my boyfriend and tell myself that it's okay to be myself despite my own fears of being judged by those who've known me since I was wee; I came to a stop at the movie theater to where we would buy tickets to see "Across The Universe". Low and behold I run into my brothers most recent ex girlfriend Am*****. Greeted with hugs and a hello she noticed us holding hands as well and kinda gave me the "okay thats cool too" look, which I felt fine with, but still kind of in shock because I'm thinking "wow, two in a row".

There are many people that I am okay with understanding my sexuality. In fact most people have been very accepting. But within my personal life, and my own family I feel as though they will all think less of me and find me to be sick. I know for a fact that my own uncle made hate calls to my aunt M*** when she came out about 20 years ago. And my mother still claims that M***'s homosexuality is the product of a destroyed marriage and a bad father figure. These lines have to be destroyed if we are to ever understand each other, and we have to start this process within the family.

We are often confronted with the question, "Why do you care about what other people think about you?". And though we generally try not to, the reality is that ... we do. When we walk outside in that brand new coat, we are inspired by what we think is presentable to the public. And when we close out our hearts for those who we fear may judge us, we are conforming to stagnance. What the world asks of us is to be free with one another, but mankind is terrified of being free. He needs limitation in order to feel constructed. Sometimes that is okay, but in the broad range of awareness and equality, it just can't work.

So as I come to terms with myself, I am preparing for a life of constant strength. If this is what gay pride is, well then perhaps I have gained some. This process is still in progress, and I am taking my life slowly, I do not need any negative energy in my life as I try my best to surround myself with inspiration and positive force. It's about time that I stand up on my own two feet and become the individual that God made me to be .... and loves. I need to love myself more, because I am a damn good man. And you can call me a queen, you can call me a fag, but you will never truly understand nor have access to the materials that I am working with in this world; to make it a better place.