Grandma

Maybe it's the weekend, maybe it's the clouds outside, maybe it's me, or maybe it's life. This weekend is proving - - no this past week has proven to be a challenge to my entire family. Monday started out like any other, I went to school, I worked out, I went to volunteer with BRO for a few hours, I got home, and then I got a telephone call. My Grandmother had to go to the ER for breathing complications and a weak state of being.

I missed the call due to napping when I got home, but as soon as I got the call I ran to Sacred Heart Hospital's ER. She seemed tired, her lips appeared somewhat purple toned (not a healthy sign) and her speech seemed some what fatigued. Apparently she had some kind of a fall at home due to weakness of body, a symptom of her COPD. By the end of the night she agreed to be admitted into the care of Sacred Heart.

Throughout the week she looked promising, despite her hatred for a strapped breathing mask that the doctors attached to her face to regulate her dioxide levels. My grandmother was scheduled to come home yesterday afternoon at about 5:00 pm; I waited at my house for the call to help her get home. It was at about 4:30 pm that I checked my phone to see if anybody called to queue me toward the hospital for grandma's departure. I had received a text which said "G ma got worst call asap", followed with a missed telephone call from my sister. At that moment life stood still, time stopped, the minutes dragged on like the times I'd been high on streets in Oakland. Only this time, I was sober and this was a harsh reality.

Upon my arrival to the hospital I found my grandmother sitting bedside with nurses, my mother and my sister all aiding her needs. My grandmother did not look healthy at all. Her eyes were droopy, her face pale, her body in tremors. The hours that followed my arrival felt like an emotional typhoon. The basic message from the doctor was that my grandmother would more than likely not make it through the night, this was the same thing which my mother had said on the telephone to me at 4:30. The general idea was that if my grandmother stayed in the hospital on the breathing treatment; that she may pass away in the middle of the night. She continued on to say that if we took my grandmother home as per her "death request" that she may survive, but that likely she would not.

As we waited for social work to come through and for her to be released, the general sense felt hopeful as though maybe she was pulling out of it. The respiratory nurse came in at about 8:00 pm to check on things and make sure that the "darth vader" mask (as I nick named it) was secure on my grandmother's head. It was at this point that my mother decided to ask what the mask was for. And after a few short descriptive medical sentences the nurse pretty much told us that this "Vader" mask was my grandmother's "Life Support".

To receive the description of life support came very unsettling to my mother, sister and I. It just did not make sense; why had they not told us about this subtle reality during the week ?, why did they not tell us that this mask was a life support means?, and why . My grandmother had requested that if something were to happen to her, that any hospital she were in would not take any extraordinary means to save her. And though this breathing machine was not extraordinary, it seemed to us as though it was a bit too much to add to her stress of being sick in the first place.

With the doctors grant and the request of my grandmother, this was now the hour for critical decisions to be made. Doctor Adams advised that if my grandmother were to stay the night in the hospital that her chances of survival would be greater than if she were to go home as requested. My mother had to make the decision to take her home so that if last night was the hour, that she would pass in peace, in her own bed, and at home. Once the decision was made, the hours waiting for transport seemed to take forever.

As she would fall into various deep slumbers, my Grandmother seemed to be weakening. I sat bedside praying my hail Mary's and asking God to bring her strength. I don't feel like it's her time to go. I feel like she has more fight in her, and I do not want her to give up. But it was in this moment that I realized that we need her more than she needs us at this point, and that every day from here on out with her is a gift. For God is showing us something in this experience that life does leave us and life does not last on tis earth forever.

We got her home at about 10:30 pm, and she seemed much happier to sleep in her own bed. Though she's weak,shaky and confused I do feel as though taking her away from the hospital was the best thing for my grandmother. She survived the night and that gives me more hope than the doctors and nurses did. All that we can do from this moment on out is hope,pray and celebrate her life. Tomorrow is Mother's day and I want to spend it with my grandma and my own mother. Throughout such experiences we witness "scenes" as it were. The image of my mother watching her own mother become critically ill and making decisions in honor of my grandmother's wishes only reminded me that some day I will be standing in my mother's shoes and that I will have to be strong enough to care for her as well. Death is a reality of life, it's the end to the story that God wrote for us.

In this life all tat we can do is love those we will lose some day. And if we find ourselves in the position of knowing that we are losing somebody we love, then we need to use that time to say the words "I love you" to that person. Because someday you may not have that person with you to receive the message. So make sure that you tell the people you love that you love them. And do not be afraid of the moment that they are gone - because as hard as it is for you to "lose" that person they become a part of you. I have confidence in my grandmother because she is indeed a fighter. At 85 years of age I think she's got a few months left in her and I am not going to give up on her just yet.