Mr. Chow

Something old somebody new
it's not a big surprise.
How I liked you.
But now you're sending me an SOS
asking me to come.
sitting here asking myself why
the idea is so fun.

but boys can't move a mountain
when the sand cant break the sea.
and now that I've got you, do you really want me.
So when the wind blows, you know you go.
into the tide of tides.

Tide of tides, be at my side
when the ship sinks the ocean
and the sand breaks the sea
oh mighty tide of all tides
sing with me and be at my side
'cause this confusion can feel so scary
and I need a place to hide.

So walk away with the knowlege.
that we belong to no one.
and sing this song to no end.
At the end of the hour, we're going to be friends.

My young life, up in flames.

LONG day behind me and three more ahead. Training in Phoenix has not been anything too hard; rather time and life consuming. Today I met the president of my company and sat in on a manager's meeting. Being that I am not a manager there, I am kind of saying this all from an odd place. Perhaps for sake of my job, I will keep my opinions to myself, which is something I am sadly feeling the need to do around this blog once again. A few of my company mates have run over this thing, and I am begining to feel ... monitored again. I like to run an indie scene around this place. But right about now, I am in the red.

Anyways, I've eaten like a pig tonight and I am feeling ... roasted as it has to be about 100 degrees outside. I'm also feeling a bit concerned about the health of everyone in my training course, as our trainer is sick with something of a cold/flu. So I'm also trying my best to stay in health through the stress and the air conditioned rooms. My feet ... let's not go there; anyways!. With that said, I am generally looking forward to Friday. I mean my training mates are pretty fucking cool, everyone's on the same page when it comes to upper management and the top guys in the company. Basicly we're all on a positive / dont ask, dont tell policy.

My main concern here is for my co-worker which .... amongst these 5 othr managers, I have managed to put in a bad name for unintentionally. I always speak from honesty, and when ... it came to asking about D*******, I had to be honest and claim that she's very uptight and that nobody really gets on with her. Did I betray her ?, perhaps but did I betray myself for being honest.... no. And that is where I am worried. I do not want to be the one out there to spread a bad seed around for an advisor that nobody in management has ever met. But when the question was asked .... I feel somewhat like I betrayed my office, my boss and even this ... person to whom I do not get along with.

Tomorrow is a new day and it will be my third day in training. I swear to God that when I return home, I will have to finsd a proper gym membership. Although I have not had much of an appetite in this heat, I have been eating like a fool on holiday and it's not so pretty !. I know that a lot of peoplre think that I look okay, and I wont beat myself up for not ... being slim and lean. But I do have to take responsibility for this body of mine, and if I am not treating it with respect then how will I ever learn to treat my heart, soul and pride with respect.

Pride is a word that does not come to me completely. I find pride to be a turn off when abused. One must find some form of high value in his or herself, and if that is considered baseline pride, well then that is fine by me. But when Pride goes out to a dinner date with vanity's brother named ego and they form the most disgusting love affair since the age of creation ... that is when we create a diva. And diva's are not something that I like. I am happy with a joke, and a nod and a comment or a group laugh or a bitchy moment. But all in the context of respect, and it has to be known. Otherwise, if you are just a bitch and you dont have a heart, or put off that image and energy like Perez Hilton or Paris Hilton, well then you have totally lost my ... energy and interest.

Although i do not quite know what I am saying this for, I am aware of the fact that it is killing major time and soon enough I'll be able to go to sleep, wake up for day 3 of national training and move onward to Thursday from there. Seriously mates, I cannot wait to sleep in my own bed. This is so weird not to be aroun those I trust in full. But I am greatful to be around one that I am learning to trust. A manager who filled in my for my boss last night in Santa Barbra. She's fun, pretty, funny, witty and wild. I like her, she's totally good people. And so are the rest of my new buisness friends. Oh God ..... buisness friends :) what a ring .... what has my young life come to !? [kidding]. I'll call them my new friends. I'm definatley taking them as the go away gift from this session ... and hopefully a new sales sytem too ;)

IT'S FUCKING 3000 DEGREES OUT !. No Pun

I just stepped into my Hotel in PHX AZ, and I am freaking out by the heat. It has to be about 102 degrees at 10:00 pm. I'm here for the week of training that I was scheduled for this week. It's for our new point of sales system at my company. Everytime I come out here, I do get the sense of being alone. No family, no friends. I'll assume that I'm about to be meeting some new ones. Trying my best to keep a clear mind though my eyes are half shut from the sheer weight of this heat outside and in the Hotel.

I've got a headache and my stomach is kinda in knots. I don't know what to make if this. I'm kind of in a dream like state. I don't really feel like I am here yet. I got on the airplane today at about 4pm and kinda went "okay here we are for round two". The first time I came out here I was nearly fired from my job for reasons that I will not get into here. But none the less, this Hotel in particular holds memories of humble beginings at my company. I haven't really moved up in the company yet but ... I'm here today with the lot of other branch managers.

Sometimes I worry about my overall attitude toward life and experiences like this one. I seem to project so much defensive energy out that I lack to feel it for the new experience that it could be. But then again, I've done this one before. I've seen this place and I understand that I have a 6 am wake up call to own to. HEY MAN all in a days work. I'm here to do my best and hopefully get thru it quick enough to get back to normal life. No pun.

P.S. - I wonder how my roomate will react to my homoness. . . . Oh God maybe I should not play seperatism here. Oh and the predicted forcast for tomorrow rings in at 116 degrees :). FAINT

Birthday

When all else seems crazy in the world a Birthday comes along. And it is on this day alone that the subtle confusion of the unknown seems to control the day. It's fine when you're content but if you are wanting to feel somewhat "special" it's kinda stressful. Luckily however, I have had a great mix of messages, a few visits from friends, great emails from new ones and voicemails from family members. So today is a good day.

I was originally planning on spending it in Port____ , but plans sort of changed and now I'm going to stick it out in ___ne. Noooooo clue what to do, I kinda wanna party it up again like I ended up doing last night, but there is nobody to do that with right now. I think there is some small worry in my mind that I'll be stuck at home doing nothing and blogging on myspace or something. But rest assured I think I'll go out to eat or something nice.

Sunday I am travelling to Phoenix for Point of sales training on our new Point of sales system at work. Once again I'm more so wishing that I could stay home and maybe take five. Life's been really crazy as of late, but I'll make the most of my time networking over there and meeting the managers from across America. This course was originally intended for the manager's only, but being that my boss is leaving the company, I'm being sent [along with my co-worker who's abscent this week @ training] for this class.

The last time I was there, I nearly got myself fired, which was kind of a sick, sad and annoying story in itself, but I got myself through it and look where I am today .... booked to go back on Sunday [AH!]. Maybe it'll be good to go, maybe it'll be a good break from the norm. I do know it's going to be HOTTER THAN FUCK out there !. August in Arizona -- OH yeah not my idea of cool in the shade !. So to wrap it up, I'm still in my office an hour after work, I was supposed to get a ride home, I'm kinda trying to not think ill thoughts here but I'm also going "Okay .... do I have to healm all the plans here?". It's okay :) I'm fine and happy to be honest .... it's just when I'm off of work on my birthday - I dont really feel like stickin around here if ya know what I mean ?.

But beyond all else I would like to reflect upon the fact that I have people who care about me and for that I am thankful and happy to have this day to celebrate. I've recieved flowers and calls and emails and ... I think I said a lot of this above, but I want to emphasise my thanks and gratitude to all those who made me feel unique and special today. Thank you :).

FIN.

It's all There.

The turn has swayed

the tassles all frayed

it's not like I care

I'm everywhere.

The place I knew

It's not for you.

The chant's are new

It's thanks to you.

The frown

upside

not down

in this town

with little to love

This place

this invasion of space

this calling

this face

the children who play

not so bad until yesterday

in tune with

the moon which

shines on me

Breathe in

exhale dust

stress and confusion

must and lust

you've come inside

offer a dance in my mind

into you I see

out of this let it be

unknown to me

what we won't see

it's in me.

it's all there

it's not fair.

it's all me

it's all there

it's all mine

it's all there

it's all unfortunate

it's all there

it's all in time travel.

it's all there.

it's all in christ.

it's all there

it's all in lilly

it's all there

it's all in me

it's all there.

Hunger and Perfection

Makes Sense.

The Tree Of Authenticity.

Authenticity is something rare. Sometimes I think of myself as a powerful original, but then I step back and examine the thoughts, and actions needed to support that proclaimation. What constitutes originality?, is it our morale, our faith, our actions?; or is it something connected to the uniqeness of the human spirit. Are we to break down and disconnect the outter from the inside, pull out the humanity and spread it on a table. Expose the secrets, inform the lies and leave nothing more to each other for surprise?. Are we capable of letting it all flow toward understanding?. Are we at core, truly who we'd like to be, truly original; truly authentic?.

Last night as I sat with my father we discussed originality, ego and creating an identity. When asked about my own perception of identity, I opted to suggest that I do not believe in settling on one idea of myself, for I do not want to stop learning about who I am and what this life means. He told me that I was very wise for such a statement. Growing up; my father and I were not close, I would even say we held a very distant relationship. He was this big figure who would come home and yell at the family, and I was the kid who would mouth off and hide in a closet for fear of being shaken, pushed or intimidatingly heckled.

Though the years have passed us, I still have this idea in my head that I never had a father. There is this place within me where I cannot confront him on the damage and the lost hopes that I had for him and I. Today we hold a very .... friendly relationship. I am too old for this man to say "well son you cannot do or say or act out on this because ...". But I do respect him now for what it's worth. I find myself going to him for more support than I once did with my mother. And though he's pretty much stoned more often than not, there is a place inside of me where I know that I can go to him for the human / non religious view of life. There is however one secret to which we have not discussed: My sexuality.

The sad truth about closet homosexuality is that we end up making fools of ourselves in order to hide the truth from those we're close to. Half of the time I am pretty sure that everyone in my family knows my dirty little secret. I am dissapointed in the fact that anybody should even have to fear their family with this issue. In city/pop culture we are taught that "love is love", but half of the time our parents are too out dated on the issue to conform. I know that my father would not judge me for who I date and who I choose to love, for he is a man of age and he lived through the 1960's with passion and ease. My mother on the other hand, I fear would question me and hold her own view of my sexuality as an error on her end or a kink to which I will work out.

But it does not work like that you see; I have prayed in the past that I would wake up straight and narrow. But today I am proud of the person that I'm still becoming. And as I stated above, I hope never to truly conclude myself until the hour of my judgement. For it is in that moment that I will understand my errors at their source. In the end I am doomed to my own inauthenticity for being a closeted homosexual. But I am still learning, and I am still growing - I have no doubt in my mind that I am not gay, but I am now examining what exactly it means to be gay. Are we an image, a culture or a fucked up pack of re called barvie dolls?. What makes the man a man, where does masculinity leave homosexuality?, where are the gender boundaries within femme's and butch. What makes me a man ..... is it that which makes me truly authentic. When I look back on these years, will I then ask myself "was it all so nessicary to be so ashamed of myself around those who loved me the most".

21st century soldier child.

Wait a second, why are we all hating ourselves here?.

Why do I hate you for the clothes you wear?.

What drove me to talk shit behind your back?.

Why am I suddenly turned on by you?.

Why the fuck are you looking at me like that?.

Do I look fat in this sweater?.

Am I acting drunk?.

Can you smell the alchohol on my mom's breath?.

Is this party almost over?.

I hate you.

I'm not sure about my gender.

I dont know why he wont call me back.

I wish I had the abortion

It's not like I care

Who the fuck are you to me anyways.

I'm sick to my stomach.

I'm scratching my skin.

I'm crying within.

I'm living in sin.

I hate you

and me.

And mommy

and daddy

and Jesus

and popeye

and jeenie

and dave.

I hate it all,

because I'm brave.

I'm a 21st century soldier child

and I've got a hot knife

13 years into it and I'll take a kids life.

'cause it's either you or me kidd.

I cant handle this.

I'm so fucked up.

I can't think.

I'm singing and swinging in this mess of a brain.

I'm tired.

I wish. I wish. Iwish.

One relationship, One self.

Ya know, I don't want to be judged for the things I say here. Perhaps that is why I've chosen to keep my personal identity and my friends identities withheld. But sometimes I feel as though people know who I am, and the things, views or opinions that I say on here may give me an altered image. The truth is that I write and say what I feel when I am feeling it. Nothing can truly be set in stone until I act out upon it. So if one is to read what I say and think that is who I truly am; I'm not going to say "well then fuck you, I dont give a shit" -- because that's totally rude and overly cliche. However I will ask that you and I talk about it if you have any concerns or questions. Sure it'll be akward for me, but It'll create a foundation for "us", whoever "we" are.

In other thoughts and events, I've met a guy. Nothing exclusive, nothing more than a friend. But someobdy who's pretty outgoing and smart, which makes me smile inside with relief. I met him at a bookstore last weekend, after a few hours of playing "hide and smile". We started talking in the late afternoon, and by the time I put my books away and said goodbye to the new stranger, it must have been about 4 hours, because the sun had gone down. This is positive, leaving me with hope and wonder. I really enjoyed this young mans company, and he was truly intellectual. It's one of those things that I'm keeping on a backburner because I dont want to make a fool of myself.

Although I have moved on from a bad egg [see Post "I hate you"] I cannot get over the insecurity and phobia that the experience gave me. I hold fears of being rejected, and odd, and put off for a better man. Because the idiot I happened to fall upon had a way of treating me like the world and shitting in my face the following month. This character in my life introduced me to a sense of "Nothing ever lasts" in the game of dating. Which has indeed shown true as of late. I took a bit of a break there from the dating scene in order to close him out of my mind and to heal from the insecurity and confusion that I felt through those months. The crappiest feeling in the world is unloyalty and betrayal. And one should always be open with their dating status from the begining . Do not ever drag a boy into the gravel when you're meeting another groom at the altar.

In the months that followed that bad experience, I found myself emotionally fucked. Basically, I sought "love" in all the wrong places. I'd date men who previously dated Aaron [I'll name my enemies], and I'd think "we're from the same club, we both know what it's like to be hurt by this idiot". Wrong move buddy, these men dated him for a reason, they were all scum as well. Disgustingly sexualized and insane as Aaron was. So after a particularly disheartening experience with my friend A***** and a boy I dated through Aaron named Kolt. I concluded that I needed to quit the bullshit and stop dating. It was from that day to the present that I have been single and .... frustrated. Patience is the constant in this story. Longing for love is the foundation and finding love is the goal.

In the meantime I am reading an old self help book named "If Love Is A Game, These Are The Rules", by Cherie Carter-Scott [Oct 12, 1999]. I had once heard this book referenced by my cousin Z*** when she was in the midst of her Justin Timberlake obsession. Apparently he had read the book and swore by it. Well I'm reading it at present and I'd agree that it is a very fare book on the game of love. The first rule stated in the article is that one must love one's self before one can ever offer love, or find a successful relationship with another. It brings to mind the final quote said by Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw in HBO's successful series Sex and the City . . . "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the 'you' you love, well, that's just fabulous. " . This will be the greatest challenge of my early age; but the most rewarding in the end. Let us walk forward and find a mate when least expected.

Zac Efron ..... holy shit.

Not typically too supportive of blondes, because I tend to find them overrated but ....

NEW CELEBRITY CRUSH ALERT :
ZAC EFRON



Not to mention, talk about thinspo. But he's not anorexic. He's just plain HOT. I hate to write like a teenie bopper but this is what the Disney actor brings me to ..... okay. HEAT !.

And now I am feeling kinda odd for this post.

Fuck you father.

First off I have to say that I cannot stand writing from the tin box that I am writing this in. It's my sisters bedroom which ... is overwhelmed by furnature, clothes and general uncare. This just makes it hard for me to think ... even as I overwhelmingly blast Tori Amos from my iPod. Today is Sunday, this means once again that I went to Mass this morning. It's been about a month and a half since I last fully participated in the Mass. You see in general I feel kind of strange about this life that I am living. I have much guilt about feeling like a homosexual male. And so a little while back I decided "I'm not worthy for Eucharist today". And ever since then, I had not gone to communion at the end of Mass.

Today however I knew it was time. Yesterday I went to confession, as ... stupid as it as it may sound to some. I didnt say much in particular, mainly I expressed my anger toward the church and my confusion toward the "Father". In the end I was inevitably absolved of my sins and therefore this morning I was ready to go to communion with every other sinner in the crowd. This was more so overwhelming than I imagined it would be; as Father's homily somehow ended up being on the topic of Gay marriage and the evils of homosexuality.

Funny that the one morning that i was ready to walk to the table; was it the same morning to feel like pure and evil waste from God. Basicly this man stood on the pulpit with the nerve to tell us that he has failed us in his teaching of morals. Now while he could have gone anywhere else in the book of sin and morale he opted to smack on the gays. Through about 10-15 minutes of telling us that it's "unnatural" and "unbinding of the laws of human nature" he ultimatley had me five feet from the door, ready to call this shit quits.

But deep inside I know that faith is more than a boxy, stubborn bastard on a stage yelping out about how "gays are so wrong" and "heterosexuality is the way". I have NEVER heard this expressed personally within a Catholic Mass, and this is why today I was appauled and shocked that this man embraced the moment to divide and seperate his parish for praise of a better morale . Because if you ask me, he's now done more damage than good by claiming this. For if I were indeed the only homo out there today; I walked away from that mass feeling like a witch within the hunt, and a parasite to morality.

Unfortunatley words are harmful, especially for those who seek to understand this Jesus of Nazareth. If you are to ask me - we need to take the man back out of religion. Religion was created for us to understand the old teachings. But if you were to ask me of who i think Christ was or who he would be today ... he'd be with the people and not against them. Sin is sin and I am offended that I was made to feel as though my sin was the most disgusting to heaven of them all. And to that I say fuck you mister priest man. Fuck you.

Ultimatley this is one of the first times in a long time that I have felt like my church does not accept my confusion. There is no place for love within that energy that he took against me this morning. And I do take it personally, because church is personal. It is a place for the soul ... and today I was told that my soul was tainted and immoral. This is a dark day in my faith, for it was supposed to be a great return to the table and instead I've walked away feeling empty, sad and evil. Thoughts of suicide have come to me, but I'd never end it that way. I know how to be strong, for this homosexual life is a life of sadness, lonliness and spiritlessness.

The Finish Line

So what are you really feeling? the director asked the acting student. . .

I'm supposed to call about an apartment listing here in town. My friends are all pushing me to move out of moms house. I know that at 22 I should not be livin with parentals anymore but I'm sort of going "Oh okay .... this means growing up". It's a security thing, it marks becoming really self sufficiant and that's a great thing in ones life especially my own. I know I need it but I am putting this telephone call off like a doctors appointment. My defeatist attitude is truly shining through on this as well. Like my relationship outlook, I am thinking this could be a grim process. But one never knows until one steps out into the lake right ?.

Sometimes my life begins to feel like the same story day in and out. I've got this 9-5 thing going on. I've got no live life and I've got a few friends. Sometimes I feel like the only guaranteed new excitement in my life is discovering new music, art and film. At that I don't have too much time to explore my own art and music realm. I'm not a musician, but sometimes I feel the need to sit at a piano and tell stories. The notes can tell us what's going on; aggressive or subtle moments of my very own artistic narrative. I want to lose myself in a different world - and not a drug world. I'm tired of parties and drinks and most of all, this fucking habit I took up about a year ago called smoking. I've gone through a small bit of self destruction in the past year. And had I not taken my job, it probably would have gotten worst.

Today as I walked toward my office from the University here, I was reminded of myself a year ago. It was brought on by the smell of morning; summer, water on pavement and memories of sleeping with the enemy. Yes indeed the past felt so good at the time, and the memories of it felt good again too. But then I remembered who it was that I was "sleeping" with and I nearly laughed to myself with rolling eyes. There is indeed a small part of me who misses that immaturity and that punk ass brat attitude that it took me to fuck around for a year in 2006. But then I think about who I am today and the maturity that I have gained, how much I have grown up and I kind of become proud of myself. This is a fucking rare moment for me, as I do not affirm myself all too often.

I still worry about time, and age and dreams and downfalls and defeat as much as I ever would. Hell if anyone reads my blog on a basis, you'll understand that I am generally bat shit. But I do it with much thought. I think a lot, probably too much. But if I did not than I'd be simple and I will not accpet simple behaviour for myself. I need to know the core, I need to see the source, I need to dance with the spirit and walk with the dead. Understanding the past is vital to my growth, embracing the present is difficult and being unsure of the future / taking chances is something that does not come easy to me at all. So all that I can do is work on myself, and I am still young enough not to be set in my ways. I just need to accept the challenges and bet on the rewards.

Issssssues.

I really want to get to the source of my life and I do not know how to find it or where to turn to get to the station to hop on the train to get there. I'm at a place in this arena of life right now where I feel discontent around my friends and aquaintences in town. I feel as though I am only known as one thing realllly really gay. I really am upset by this; so much so, that I am finding myself going backward into the coat hanger area of my closet. This is a place where I try and abort all that is sexual within me.

I think it's not fair that my being is compromised by my [apparently] outward sexual preference. And I'll also be honest enough to say that I am not proud to be gay, hell I barely even want to call myself that today. But it all goes back to the masks and mirrors effect that I love so much to discuss. When around the gay crowd, I am your best act. I am quirky, loud, femmy, annoying, bitchy and; the ultimate queer. Well maybe not, but that's sometimes the way it feels. Ultimatley what happens is that I throw intelligence out the door for a party boy image. And it's not to say that I'm not a natural party boy at core, but I'm also a smart man with a lot to say and it's upsetting that I don't put myself in smarter surroundings.

I mean let's face it, I'm living in a small "city" up north and there's nothing really special about this place other than becoming a coffee shop whore and hopefully writing ones first music album. It's just that everything and everyone up here is so small that I feel like - a celebrity sometimes. And I am getting the repuatation 'round these parts for being the "really gay guy". And like I have always said, I don't like lables and I dont want to be associated as "gay", because when you put that word into my present minded head, you'll recieve images of leather, pigs, immature bitch MEN who are TOO old to act like teenie girls and general mayhem. I'll be honest I do not like the gay community. HELL I barely even like Madonna !

I cannot stand inauthentic people. So when I am constantly called out as "the gay guy", I am being associated with all that I cannot stand about homosexuality within the "community". The cat fights, the "bitch what!?" 'tude, the obsession with diva hood, the queen shit. . . I hate it. And yet I am constantly referred to as a queen. I AM NOT a fucking queen. I hate that shit and I wish I were normal. I wish that I could still like men, but act LIKE a man. Hell, I dont find anything wrong with loving the same sex - I just dont like acting out the flamer shit. And I can't help it, so I suppose that I am pre destined to be that annoyingly queer 50 year old when I am ugly. AH !

Who is this man, this super hero, this keeper of lies.

I can honestly say that in recent days, I've written about 23 posts, only I have kept them in raw form. I suppose that you could say all of these little words are in raw form. Nothing is an essay until it is presented in the classroom. So until I make these works final, I suppose that you could say I'm a writer constantly in progress. It is rare however; that I'll re visit a blog and revise it. I generally believe that words fom the present make most sense. Often as I am writing I'll find the spark goes out and that is when I am forced to walk out of the room. But today I am working with -- an open mind.

I suppose it helps for once not to talk about myself and the relationship issues of late. The constant examination of self, and the sadness that it takes to be an active Virgo male. But if you were to ask me next Tuesday what I thought about the day I wrote that blog or any of these, you'll hear me say that I was trying my best to work the source of emotion in that moment. And that is what I work with, emotion. In this moment I am working with the buisness aspect of explaining ones self. And tomorrow morning after I experience the rest of tonight, I'll probably have something to say about that as well.

Sometimes it's hard to write when so many words come into my mind. I don't have enough room in this apartment to store them. So I kind of stack a thought on top of a word, and try my best to stuff those two in the closet along with the poems. If I'm not getting it all out at once, I have to try my best to preserve it. I don't carry a pen and paper ever. I am actually quite your techno writer, I cannot get it all onto paper, so they always end up online. I sometimes worry about my thoughts and quirks making it into somebody elses atmosphere without recieving copyright protection.

More than anything else I want to be thought of as an artist, a man with original thoughts and arguments. I am 22, going on 23 and I find it so complicated to be the "jerk". Being the jerk does not get me anywhere, so I do my best to try and be the .... reasonable one. But reasonable does not really get me too far as well. So I'll go cut throat and that will lose me some friends here and there. And then I will come back to this stage and talk about it to you all in the empty arena of hope and desire. I do not ever know who may read this. And I do not let you know who I really am in image for - perhaps my own words can be your best friend after school.

I believe in creation and I believe in using that force to make change in mind. I'll be the first to admit that change comes very hard to me. Even today as I debated with my friend over getting a new hair style from her mother [a local sylist], I found myself in the clutches of self doubt and denail of change. For it looked me right in the face and I said "hell no", sometimes it's like an abusive relationship inside of my mind. It's like a constant conflict of morals and ideas. Is this artistic angst or is this temporary insanity?.

Somedays I'll come home from work and I will feel like the entire world is caving in on me. For I do not have enough time to be myself. And the image that I promote unto others does not do me justice at all. Image in itself goes along with change and art. It's easy to hold it all inside, it's so intimidating to let it out to others. I can talk a lot of emotion, but I find it hard to act upon emotion. I will never be your man to say "I really dig you, do you wanna grab a coffee right now?". I'll let you go and I'll go home and I'll feel like shit about lost opportunity. Opportunity is something that I will opnly take if I know there is a guarantee. So if there does not seem to be a light at the end of the sales pitch - I aint takin it. So that's why I didnt take the new hair style.

My own thoughts cannot be trusted in me. So I look outward to others to mold me for me. Create my own misery so that I can go to rehab. I have been self destructive in the past and I know that it gets me nowhere. So when do I stop this car and highjack the next one. I need a new vehicle and I'm too afraid of the changes that follow selling the current hooptie. So where do I work the courage?, how do I stand up and wash off the self induced blood and bruises, clean up my act and go to work in the morning?. I do not want to compromise for any man on this planet. I will not wear any image, but I'll try it on inside. Grab me a smoke and I'll show you the vixen I can be inside. Throw me a dress and I'll be your best agent. Hand me my leather and I'll show you how dominating I can be. But after the spotlight turns out, I'll put on my glasses and work with Lois Lane again in the office. So who is he this superman, this hero of underdawgs.

I Will Survive.

I feel like I know that homosexuality is wrong and yet I am so god damn gay. It's something that I wish I werent by nature. But if I were not gay, I would rather have no clue that I ever was. Basicly what I am saying is that, how would I feel if tomorrow I woke up attracted soley to women. Would I find it easier to date women or would I find myself best friends with all the lads suddenly?. At present I find it so much easier to hang with the ladies, for they will not judge me.

I have found it to be hard finding trust in males. For all my life, I have been made fun of or excluded by the prominent male figures in my life. My Dad left me when I was 15-18 after many years of being abusive to the entire family. My brother left me when I was 10 because he could not take the fatherly rage abuse any longer. When I was a kid in public and private schools, I was always made fun of for being emotional and speaking my mind. Even the teachers played their hand in the abuse. For they never understood my needs and punished me for my lack of educational understanding.

There have only been 3 males in my life who treated me like an equal human with potential. They were all instructors; one was my karate teacher, the next was my 6th grade teacher and the final was my spiritual director. Sadly two of the three are confirmed dead at this point and being that my 6th grade teacher was in the National Army Reserve, I am sad to assume his death as well. You see these men were not telling me that I was wrong in any way, they supported me and they made me feel like a stronger person just for being myself. These were real men, disconnected from the lines of the world. They were focused on their students. These were very healthy student / teacher, Boy/Man relationships.

Now I find myself in a sea of older men trying to get into my shorts; calling me "queer", showcasing my social differences to the crowd and generally creating phobia against men. Even amongst my peers I am finding that there is no connection there. I do not understand men, nor do I really care to; and yet I am a man. This is unhealthy for ones own sexuality. I'm well aware of the fact that I don't idintify myself as a man, I feel more like a woman emotionally. In body I know that I am androgynous. But I know that I am all male. So there is really no gender identity crisis going on here. I have never felt like I needed to have a vagina [ew]. But I have felt a lot like a woman emotionally.

I need acceptence like any other but when it comes to dating, I fall quickly. I think it comes from my longing to find someone [anyone] worth spending romance with. But I'll be the last to admit to a man that by the end of his cup of coffee, I'm already planning the wedding. And this is what seperates me from dating like a man. You see, a man will walk away from his date knowing the boundaries of his time and place within the other's life. I however date like a woman, and I constantly set myself up for defeat. I date men who aren't really looking for anything beyond a few hand jobs or a fuck.

I find that aspect of dating so frustrating because you spend so much time dating all the wrong men before you take a chance on finding a true connection regardless of looks, size, social status or background. I generally don't have too many requirements, but I do have my "type" and these are the ones who've never amounted to the dream I saw in their eyes the first time we met. Instead they are cordial enough to finish the evening out but never end up calling back. After two attempts to contact them, I always figure that it's time to throw in the towel because I don't want to be the "smitten" one. So in effect, I've been single for _ _ years. So perhaps it's all a matter of trial and error. Perhaps I need to be patient and graceful in the line of fire. And perhaps I should learn to love myself for who I am 100% before I seek that void filler from any man out there. None the less - it does get loneley out there. But I will live through it. I will survive.

Hate The Mold : Fantasy Fucker

I feel really insecure right now and I can't stop the battle going on in my head. I'll see myself in the mirror and see that ugly guy looking me in the eye. I need some change in my life, I'm so tired of doing the same thing every week / weekend. The friends that I have - they all dont see me. I probably should rot in my own sadness but then I look to my friends to get me out. And though talks don't always do it - a drink and a smoke in my fingers will. Something to distract me. All I see is a round Irish face with oddly attractive eyes. Something about them remindes me of a wolf. But I'm not "handsome" you see, I'm "pretty" or something like both. I'm not the fit gay guy, I dont fit into any kind of category when it comes to attractivness ..... I hate the mold. I went to the mall and said hello to some flirting buddy. But even that's not appealing right now, I have such a dim view of how to date. I dont know how and they never call me back. I think they always see me for who I am ... hyper, annoying and quirky. I feel so alone and yet nobody's ever going to be able to distract me for long enough. And that's all it is honey - a distraction. Somebody to defend me in my hour of need. Somebody to make love to and kiss under the moon. Oh God - where is this fantasy fucker !?

Winning Gayest Man In _________ Award.

I feel alone inside because I cannot tell anyone else who I "Really Am" without feeling the need to reason with them toward why I'm not a freak. Luckily most of my friends don't care who I sleep with; however they feel the need to define me by it. And it's not just me, it's the balck man, the gay man, the cross dressing man and the plant man. What drives us to create the human lable machine?. I'm constantly battling the norms and I generally make my way through life in denial that everyone knows my little secret. I suppose that I should not be surprised when I'm referred to as "The Gay One". But I really should not accept that either. For when we allow ourselves to be put down, then we learn to stay down. And rarely do we find it easier the next time to stand back up.

I've been knocked down, on my ass for years and just now am I trying to get back up. It's a goddamn job, and it's not easy because I've spent so long in denial of myself and of my human right to believe that I am equal to the man next to me. But I don't believe that I am, and I am always looking for affirmation through those ultimatley weaker than myself. I am strong enough to know what I will not sell out for; but somehow I still can't raise my voice in the classroom. I constantly fear the sucker punch of life. So I lay low and wait for the right moment to exit the film library. I do myself a great injustice when I allow my fear to back me down. In the end I am defined as the national gay doormat.

On Friday, or shall I say early Saturday morning, I was on my way out of the local gay bar here in town. I had gone with my friends A***** and K***, K*** is actually the guy I had a small crush on a few posts ago [July]. Basicly as I walked out of this bar I found myself hand in hand with a lad I had seen inside earlier that night. As we are walking outside I'm thinkin "Oh he's cute, maybe he wants to make out"; instead he says "Hey you're the really gay guy right?", and I'm absolutley dumbfounded by this comment. Seriously not a response could come to mind, for I did not know weather to be livid or laugh my ass off and the irony of being at a gay club and being called "the really gay guy". And ultimatley I kinda felt jipped that I didnt get the "Gayest man in here" award for August !.

A Modern Day RANT

I can feel the gloom over my eyelids. There is a deep depression begining in this moment. I feel it in my chest, on my shoulders and in my heart. Everytime I go to that god damn place inside my heart I rot. I rot and I rot. Nobody would ever have a boy who thinks for himself. A smart man with different looks and an average body. But alas they look to the prince beside him and cut conversation just to know who [he] is. At this point I dont even know who my friends are. I have more than a ton in drinking buds, a few friends who will stick around to kick it - but nobody who will let me grab into them so that they can grab into me and we can share each others souls. I dont feel protection at all, I feel very vulnerable and that's scary. But I've always been this being. I have always felt - when I really needed to feel, and when I really didnt need to feel and when everybody else needed not to feel I felt and it's always been this fucked up pool of conciousness I exsist in.

I need something but I dont know what it is. God's slipping out the back door, or should I say that I'm asking him to leave the conversation right now. I don't feel close to Him right now, I think I can remember a time when I really believed in Him and the hope that He would save me from my sadness and longing. And yet I'm too tired to "call out" to Him. So perhaps I am damning myself, but I dont - know what else to do, but to try and do it all myself. To find love, date, exsist, work, play, think, cry [on in my case NOT], to try and put on the right social face every day only to be called out as "The Gay One". I am in pain and I feel like nobody's there to talk to me, to hear me out, to tell me that I am beautiful inside for every FIBER of my being. Please don't spark your opinion on me, for I do not care what you have to say of my life and my decisions. I just need "love", and I'm not finding it anywhere.

All that I see out there are young adults acting like babies. Their modern day rattlers aka Cell phones, and their fit bodies -all it does is cover the pain. And I'm not --- I cant hold mine back. I feel it when I do and I have to talk it out to get it away from me. And all of those in this life who wear the masks, see me as a freak because I'm expressing all that they've become phobic to; emotional reality. I work and I accept the cuts, I go home and I accept the mayhem, I walk down sidewalks and I'm called a faggot. I'm not as "gay" as they see me. I'M A VIRGIN, I'VE NEVER FUCKED A MAN IN MY LIFE. So how the HELL - how the FUCKING HELL do you know who I am.

AND now I will leave because I am enraged.

You Hear it First : Bat For Lashes.

So about a year ago I dicovered this young woman called "Bat For Lashes" aka Natasha Khan. She's a singer/songwriter/story teller from Brighton UK and her debut album is pure gold as she manages to take everything associated with the imagination and brings it into the listeners present reality. She remindes me of Tori Amos meets Cat Power. She's definatley somebody special, and I've been sort of weary to share because I want to keep her all my own. This is music that [if gained popular in the USA] will become 'trendy to like'. So here's my YOU HEAR IT FIRST : Bat For Lashes.

Kuk

I saw that mother fucker today as I sat for lunch
I saw him look me in the eye.
I saw that papa sucker on his way out from much
Oh yes it's my guy.
Stop right there pig pag
Shell me in and push you out
Battle forum arena
Sing slang slout.
Pout
Out
In
It's not about.
Love.
Not about
Time.
Not about
Revenge.
Not about
Redemtion
It's all about me, can't you see, I'm just where I need to be.
You're at fault, It's like salt to mister snappy snail
You so pretty when you sizzle, from crying eyes to itchy drizzle

Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you
Kuk
Kuk You.
Fuck you
Fuck you
KUK.
Yuck to be you in you save.
Yuck the kuk kuk kuk fuck you 'cause you misbehaved.
Into my we who are two blame who yes say.
It's not who we are who, to tell you my name.
So I say
Fuck you
Yes KUK you
KUK KUK you
In vain
Fuck you
Fuck Fuck you.
Slut Kuked you
the end.

I wanna be hot : Once again this is a video reason to feel like crap.

I know these two are probably not the most appealing, but they ARE cute, petite and gay. Something I am not not and am.

Go Away.

I feel bad. I'm being a total dick to my family. But they're being horribly retarded right about now. Are these unspoken circumstances inconveniant to me or am I seeing their own angst of the matter ?. I hate full houses and I hate sharing my living space. Go away. Go away.

To Venus and Back

Look at her, she's so confident with her arms flailed in the air, her firm breasts and female curves like melons in a bowel. The children love her, men adore her, Pan performs for her. She's the definition of sensuality. She is Venus.

As I examine my own sexuality and my perceptions of sensuality, I am compelled to praise the Venus for her open spirit. I can only imagine the love and hate she'll always endure. The ladies want to be her, the men want to have her for their own and yet if you truly look into her expression - she'll have none of it. She is a free spirit, she is bigger than the needs and desires of others. She'll dance when the music is right, she'll call it like it is; she's probably the greatest tease of all. And yet, she's not a slut.

Youth culture today has NO idea the power of pure sexuality and sensuality. We're a big bunch of star fuckers with no desire to explore the curves and edges of the body. It's all about the drink and fuck; everything's borrowed but nothings gained. Gimme a coke line and I'll snort it off yer cock. Throw me a bag of weed and I'll slowly blow you buddy. Nah no - it can't possibly work that way. I may be the most sexually inexperienced gay male around, but I am well aware of the reality that sex, sensuality and sexuality are a lot more powerful than free fuckin in a bathroom stall on Castro in San Francisco.

Sexual confidence is hard to come by. It is a personal journey that does not come as natural to some of us as the rest of others. Like any other valuable life lesson, wisdom does not come without falling about three times before you can get up again with the emotional battle scars to prove to yourself that you are strong enough to accomplish the goal. One of the greatest re occurances in my life as a gay single on the dating scene is rejection. I have come to learn that if you are not thin enough, rich enough or manly enough, then you're just a freak amongst the freaks. And you will be single for longer than you can stand it based on being "different".

Gay male culture is honestly one of the most immature cultures I have ever seen. It's like going back to high school. And everyones acting like a bitch. I forget whenre I read it not too long ago; but there was something about how the film "Mean Girls" [2004] has struck a significant resonance amongst gay men across America. The article went on to further examine the similarities of gay men vs gay men and girl vs girl in present date and time. The conclusion was drawn that gay men deal with the same catty behaviours on a daily basis as many females edure through a lifetime. Through the sexism, exploitation and abuse these young gay men and straight women are now turning against one another, when in reality they could be supporting each other.

In the song "Cornflake Girl" [Tori Amos ;1994]. The singer describes through allegory tale of cornflake girls and raisin girls, the story of female betrayal. A self proclaimed "Born Feminist" performer described the song as her response to female on female violence, 'the things you dont see behind the scenes'; and how a woman can call herself a progressive minded feminist while denying all that defines progression through denial of true content and context. These are the women which Amos refers to as Lizards walking around with stolen genitals. So how do we return the genitals to their proper sex?. How do we come back to the venus and recognise our sexuality as sacred. Do we have to unsex ourselves to resex the nation ? or have we been unsexed long ago and now we're trying to re piece together the remaining puzzle hole.

Noted.

ABC sitcoms have nothing on my full house.

Soooooo many voices; I swear I've heard torrid sex secrets of the mouse.

FIN.

Out of the closet and into the unwelcoming orgy

I don't know if I have the time right now to put into a concrete article on the following; but here's a thought that I'm having right now :

Homosexuality seems to be modern day America's greatest debate upon morals and values. Gone are the days of Bi racial couples on television shows going through the motions of cultural segregation depicted on many early 1990's sitcoms and dramas such as Blossom and A Different World. Now are the days of MTV documenteries on homosexuality and love choices not bad all things considered; Unfortunatley there is a hidden truth within gay culture; a dark side of judgement, sexual abuse and racial bias which turns the gay table in on itself. This is the sub culture of homosexuality, one by which gay men treat each other like shit in order to gain power over one another. A world in which there appears to be no equality for all within a culture so hard struck on attaining social equality for all. How can this be ?, you would be surprised what's going on behind the scenes. Perhaps I am not the gay man to ask for equal rights from Mr.Prez. Rather I'll first fight within gay culture to take these boys heads out of their asses to see that we're all killing each other by not accepting each other. The hot bods, the boring bods, the white males at the top of the food chain and the minorities which recieve no praise of beauty. If gay culture is supposed to be so "open" then why the hell has it's door shut on it's own ass?. I can see it happening - can you ?.

Short Note

Changes are coming. My boss is leaving the office which means that I am headed out to Dallas TX after my birthday for inner company procudt training. It's going to be a bitch. And it's quite daunting if you ask me. With the boss leaving - I am left in the office with one other employee, and one which I am hoping does not become my boss. For if she does- I am quitting because honey mama's got some control issues to work out. She's been cool lately but I can tell you of a good many times that I've imagined kicking her asss with words.