Please Join In A Global STOP To HIV/AIDS

"AIDS is no longer a disease, it's a human rights issue" - Nelson Mandela, 2003 [46664 Concert]

Today I found out that my friend J*** has HIV. After a month or so of thinking that he had Scarlet Fever, it turns out that he is HIV positive. This has been getting to me all day since I found out about it. I'm concerned for him, I feel angry and I feel effected. I want him to be okay, I want this disease to die before it kills us all. Nobody deserves this. And while I can only hold out hope for him I am extremely let down by this news. We are too young for this and yet we are scentenced to disease and doubt. I pray for him the courage and grace to get through this. Yes our actions bring us to this diasnosis, but awareness and a fight for the cure is essentail. Somehow I feel as though our own government sits back laughing at the oppression this world is under by the affect of HIV/AIDS, I do not want my friends to die. Please ... can't we do something more?. Can't we save each other from this terror?. Please visit http://46664.com/home.php for more information on how you can help put a global STOP to HIV/AIDS and spread awareness for those who are still in the dark.

No One

This is just one of those songs that makes you feel satisfied inside.

Desperation.

He's not answering his phone .... did I do something wrong?.

Projection.

This morning I saw Aaron as I was getting off of the bus line to the University. He looked handsome but sneaky and scary as always. And for two seconds as I realized where that bus was heading, I began to worry. Assuming that he was catching a ride to the mall across town where J****** works, I had this horrible image come into my mind. The vision of Aaron going to my boyfriends store and flirting with him. This is pure insecurity and fear I know, but I still dont trust that piece of shit ex boyfriend Aaron. He did it the entire time we dated, and I'd not be surprised if he tried to land this towns fresh gay face. And the unfortunate thing about it is that sometimes I have fears that if I'm not putting out for my boyfriend fast enough, that he will go off to find somebody who's willing to for a tryst or two. If I'm going to look at this paragraph and break it down; I'm going to have to say that I am still scared of relationships unthanks to what Aaron pulled on me. And I am projecting that fear into my present relationship once more.

Sex Education

What if I have HIV and I dont even know it?. Sometimes I am terrified of the fact that ... you never know where your partners have been before they got to you. And if you trust them for a single hand moment, you could throw your own health to the dumpster. Unlike before, I'm not so much thinking that I am at risk right now, but I did get this cold sore on my tounge and I got all freaked out and now I'm scared .... one never knows and there is only one way to solve the problem if I were to think there is a problem at hand ... get tested.

This brings to mind the importance of a sexual education in school. The controversial topic has always been a staple in the public school systems and even now within private schools. Growing up, I was always surrounded by the Catholic debate that sex education is immoral and that it should be kept outside of the school system. What we are supposed to learn was the process of natural family planning. A process in which Catholics have scientificly identified the best ways not to get pregnant. Beyond natural birth control, the idea that a condom means sin, and disease means result to immoral behaviour has grown to stump me in terms of keeping the youth informed and healthy.

Taking my own ignorance for example, it is so important to be informed about how you can prevent and contract STD's. HIV/AIDS is probably the worst fear that I have as a homosexual male. I watched my second cousin die of AIDS in the 1990's, due to drug use and a shared needle. It always scared me, and now I am living in an age where medication can save time but not guarantee a lifetime. I was barely aware of the fact that you could get ghonorrea from oral sex, less was I aware of the fact that a drop of pre cum is enough to contract HIV.

We live in denial when it comes to sex. Some of us use it to cure the pain, others like myself are somewhat fearful of it for sake of lost purity. As a Catholic, I have grown to hide my sex drive and work with my mind. Which in itself is not bad, but where I fail is that Sex is in hiding ... so when I have it, I am almost trying to do a rush job, so not to enjoy it enough to feel the guilt of "sin" dawn upon my shoulders. And though I do not see sex as a sin, there will always be that part of me which is questioning sensuality and sexuality and pleasure. Due to this sense of denial, I have set myself up for ignorance ... it's not bliss and it will kill us all. So it's about time that I get tested and read up on my human sexuality lessons. Once more before I finish, I cannot stress the importance of letting our teens know what not to do, and where not to play in order to keep a healthy tomorrow for the youth of today.

Silence

Sometimes it works for the best of us when we feel intimidated by something larger than our comfort zone. Silence has been an ally in my own life when it comes to my personal life and some of my true emotions. But what's to come of silence in a relationship?. Things between J****** and I are both strengthening and losing balance. I don't know what to do when he is quiet, sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong, or that I dont interest him anymore. Sometimes I feel like he does not want me anymore, and that come the single hand moment of offered passion from another man, I may be tossed aside for sake of his bodily pleasure. I am trying to be pure with this relationship, but is purity not popular?, am I taking this too seriously?, I dont know how else to treat a man. I believe in respect and loyalty. And I know that J****** likes me a lot, it's just that sometimes I worry that I am not fulfilling his needs. This is yet another inescurity of mine to work through. I just need a little confirmation from him that I'm doing alright with him, and that I mean something special to him, as me means something special to me.

Poiché Mi preoccupo

All that I can say is please dont runaway from my care. Don't be afraid because I've got your back. And when the world outside there can't see you, I will find you. And when the sky outside is grey, I will point you to the side of the world where the sky owns the sun. And when you feel as though this is all too much. I will long to kiss you when you claim to tell me that it's all said and done. I'm a lover, not a fighter but I will fight for you. I'm not a liar but I can try for you, I'm nothing short of a hopeless romantic, this I share with you. Your need for privacy makes me want to show you. Your strength for life gives me hope and your few shed tears, show me that we're doing okay. You're okay babe, don't you worry, you're still young boy ... but I'll tell ya, life's not such a hurry. So don't be afraid love, don't be afraid to call on me at the eleventh hour. Because I care ....

Are you aware, honey I care.

Relationships.

Relationships:

I have always based my relationships upon trust, honesty,loyalty, communication and intimacy. These five components are what I believe to be the formula for a strong relationship. Unfortunatley these five attributes have never been returned to me. Although I find it hard to let go, I've been openly cheated on, lied to and made into a fool for the public to see. This is why I have a harder time trusting than most would on a Friday night in a bar. I don't trust, and that's one of the issues that find their way as a road block in my relationships. When all is silent, I become fearful of the events that could be taking place when I am not around. And when all is okay, I am fearing that there is something not being said which needs saying.

Last night I had the chance to get to know my boyfriend a little better. Without telling the details in our conversation, I feel as though he and I connected on an emotional level. I told him that my main fear was of him being dishonest and unloyal to me. Because when I am in a relationship, I take it very serious. I am not looking for a cute piece of ass to penetrate, I'm looking for connection, emotion, vulnerability and love. I am not like most men my age, I am very classical when it comes to respect and loyalty. And this is where I once more find fear; I am well aware of the fact that most men, no matter how nice they may be .... are creatures of sexual habit. And this is why I have remained a Virgin for as long as today; for sake of controlling my sexuality and owning it, so not to abuse it and percieve it as empty and for pleasure only.

Judgement and Acceptance.

My life is changing so rapidly that I cannot account for half of the things that are going on around me. Stressed and confused; but confident in this change, I am embracing it as it comes. On Sunday I met up with my boyfriend at the mall and we walked hand in hand as wel always do. Mid way through our walk between Hot Topic and the food court I ran into my brother's ex girlfriend L****. As we continuted to hold each others hand I froze with shock; would L**** tell my brother that she'd run into me at the mall and saw me with another man?. Would she blab onward to the rest of our family that S*** has a boyfriend?.

As I walked away from the food court trying to find acceptence enough within to walk in confidence with my boyfriend and tell myself that it's okay to be myself despite my own fears of being judged by those who've known me since I was wee; I came to a stop at the movie theater to where we would buy tickets to see "Across The Universe". Low and behold I run into my brothers most recent ex girlfriend Am*****. Greeted with hugs and a hello she noticed us holding hands as well and kinda gave me the "okay thats cool too" look, which I felt fine with, but still kind of in shock because I'm thinking "wow, two in a row".

There are many people that I am okay with understanding my sexuality. In fact most people have been very accepting. But within my personal life, and my own family I feel as though they will all think less of me and find me to be sick. I know for a fact that my own uncle made hate calls to my aunt M*** when she came out about 20 years ago. And my mother still claims that M***'s homosexuality is the product of a destroyed marriage and a bad father figure. These lines have to be destroyed if we are to ever understand each other, and we have to start this process within the family.

We are often confronted with the question, "Why do you care about what other people think about you?". And though we generally try not to, the reality is that ... we do. When we walk outside in that brand new coat, we are inspired by what we think is presentable to the public. And when we close out our hearts for those who we fear may judge us, we are conforming to stagnance. What the world asks of us is to be free with one another, but mankind is terrified of being free. He needs limitation in order to feel constructed. Sometimes that is okay, but in the broad range of awareness and equality, it just can't work.

So as I come to terms with myself, I am preparing for a life of constant strength. If this is what gay pride is, well then perhaps I have gained some. This process is still in progress, and I am taking my life slowly, I do not need any negative energy in my life as I try my best to surround myself with inspiration and positive force. It's about time that I stand up on my own two feet and become the individual that God made me to be .... and loves. I need to love myself more, because I am a damn good man. And you can call me a queen, you can call me a fag, but you will never truly understand nor have access to the materials that I am working with in this world; to make it a better place.

Hey You Be True

Who's real anymore?

Who's my own?

Who can I trust?

Who's not alone?

Why's my life,

sudeenly changing?

And why's it have to change?

I felt comfortable where I was.

But then I met you.



How do I tell everybody the truth?

How can I learn to trust you?

How can I when you look at him?

How do I when it's hard to swim?.

I've drowned before and you're a lifeguard.

I've crossed the sea of depression and found you.

And yet I've come to the realization that I don't even know you.



So many faces of our pasts come into the light of the present.

And too many fears of them control us to a point ...

Are you really thinking of me when I'm gone?.

Who do you turn to when the man holds you to the gun?.

Will you trust me like I'm trying to trust you?

Will you take down those curtains and open your door?.



I'm not in it for the gain, I'm in it for us.

I'm not ready to watch you pack it up and leave by bus.

I'm not ready if you're holding a secret.

Hey you be true.

To me.

To You.

This is why I like him so ...

Last night I told him that I was a virgin and he didnt run. I appreciated it because I felt insecure about it. I'm 23 and I'm still a virgin. It's been a choice that I have made to remain so until I felt ready and comfortable enough with a guy to give that away. I've had my chances, I've had a few boyfriends and I could have fucked them all. But to be honest, there is something in me that knew they were not the right one. I'm not saying that I am looking for love with my virginity loss, I am simply looking to know that he won't turn all vampire on me the next morning. My stand on this has proven itself true a few times as well. The last 2 males that I have recently dated tried to get me into bed with them but I've always known the sheep from the swine. The truth is that I am big on trust, and in my personal opinion, sex is an act of trust. I don't trust too easily, so I don't put out so quickly. I am learning to trust my boyfriend, and I was really flattered and amazed by his response last night to my confession that I am still a virgin. In a single scentence he let me know that it was okay, and that I showed maturity and that he cared. So I am thankful, ever so thankful to him for that understanding and care. This is what creates trust. This is why I like him so ....

Funny O Donnell ?. Try Ching Chong.

Whatever this shit's funny.

Stop The Madness.

Why do we set ourselves up for this thing called heartbreak?. Everything pure and beautiful must end at some point. Though we long for a love that lasts forever, it's not smart to say that it does. And as I begin to like this person more with each day, I fear the end. Not that I sense it at all. I just fear the end of things, because nothing ever lasts for me when it comes to romance and commitment. I'm insecure and scared of being lied to .... I have to get through this with trust. Trust and faith, and hope to god that my innocence is not taken in vain. Why do I worry so much.

What's in a Dream ?

I had a dream last night that I ran into Aaron and said hello. He returned my hello with something like a cinderella moment. Somewhat of a blur the conclusion of this dream ended in me being alone and tarnished again. I think that somewhere in the dream he stole my boyfriend away from me. And put in horrible words against my name. I tried my best to defend against his threats and actions, but in the end I lost. Is this my fear of all things encompassed into one image?. Do I fear that I will lose my boyfriend to Aaron?. For I have not let go of my disgust and anger toward that man for spreading his body around like the flu. Was this an indication that I am still fearful toward losing men?. What's in a dream, and where do we find peace?.

Please Don't Slip Away.

I should probably start holding back at taking offense to when he doesnt come to me with a smile. For smiles only last so long and I should not find myself lost in the fantasy that they last forever. Understanding that I am not the center of the Universe, would you please release these thoughts from my mind. I'm becoming more insecure now that the moon is in jupiter, and the sun goes down at 4:00. Sometimes I feel all alone even when I know that you are right here. I think it's because I'm not the only one right now. I hate myself for feeling so insecure and I don't know why it must be. I have no doubts, I just want to know that you won't slip away like everybody else has. . .

Sssshhhhhh It's a Secret

Everybody has a guilty pleasure, and this one's mine. Ali and AJ "Potential Breakup Song". At the same time I am somewhat disturbed by the images of these two sisters gett'n sexy with each other. Notice them on the wall together. America did you once again abuse your entertainment?.

Vulnerability

Sometimes I worry that I take relationships too seriously. I've always worried that the man I am dating does not take me as seriously as I take him. I focus on the present, I try my best to not think about the past [though that's hard not to do] and I do my best to respect and honor the man that I am dating. As co dependant as that may seem, it's my stance, I want to treat my man the way that I would like to be treated. What comes of this however is an imbalance where I feel as though it could all end in a single second because I don't hold up any arms. It's almost like you let your guard down and then you get hit. Sometimes I worry that I worry [how good is that?]. I want to be secure and I feel insecure, I can deal with the ups and downs, it's just that sometimes I need my man to let me know that "were" okay. I just worry thats all, because I'm always waiting for the shit to hit the fan and take away my happiness. It's an ugly standpoint but I'm so settled on the idea that nothing good ever lasts forever. Believe that it's the nature of this life; only the strong of will make it to the very end to visualize the prize. So I'll see what's to come and as long as he wants me and I want him ... I think we'll be okay.

Homo

I've always been different from the boys. I'm the boy who likes the boys, he does not want to talk to the boys, he wants to love the boys. He wants the boys to love him back, he wants satisfaction from a boy, he feels queer about this. He's unfortunate to feel guilty from time to time. He's a Catholic, the saint inside of him screams the philosophies of St. Augustine, he's un reformed, he's pure but he wants to open the door to find a little bit of sin free, sin. He wants to spread without guilt and love without question in mind. He's still hiding in the shadows from the ones who knew him best. Always a flamer but never a flame. Fears tell him that once he's out, it'll never be the same. And for sake of doubt he'll sit, he'll pout and wish upon Vampires and demons and Angels and Faith to help him keep the flame alive. For truth is of beauty and doubt is of pain. So we can try and be true to ourselves and never fear love again.

Don't Play Me The Fool.

A few thoughts this morning as I mentally prepare for the new work week. For starters I am missing / worried about my boyfriend. Last night he was telling me about how badly he wanted sex, and the first thought that went through my mind was "Oh God don't fucking cheat on me", because I've always been the boy that gets tossed aside. And I don't know if I can take it again; it's why I haven't opened myself up fully. I'm really scared of being the fool again, of being naieve, caring and ignorant. The only thing that came to my mind was the image of him finding a fellow kitten and making happy with desire for a single moment. This hurts me even to fucking write that because I don't think it's even what happened, but today I am really having hard time letting go of the past.

My daily OM horoscope advised that I envision my past as a ball of energy, I am to take those memories and bunch them up. Then I am to throw them as far as possible like a rock into the distance. This could work well if I were willing to surrender my control for a moment. Letting go of the past to me, means fearing a repeat scenario. I don't want to be hurt, I dont want to be alone, I dont want to be a fool, I dont want to be scared, I dont want to distrust. My stomach hurts and my head is aching, I am sitting in an office worried about an imaginary scenario composed within my head, for sake of fears enjoyment.

All that I can say is that I am unlike most men, I am trying my hardest not to think with my penis, I am trying my best not to look upon others as simple objects. I never really have and I am pretty confident to say that I don't feel the need to do so anytime in the near future. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a sucker, if I'm simply enabling the "he's easy, let's take advantage of him" card. All I know is that just when I think I've found trust, something comes up to smash it all to shit. And this time around I won't tolerate it, I won't be the one who hangs on to something impure and destroyed. The truth is that I cannot get over the past, I still feel embarrassed for ever having found myself in trust toward those who cheated on me. And when I finally meet somebody who looks like they'll work for me .... I worry about trusting too much and being the fool in the end.

Please Don't Hurt Me.

Please don't hurt me for love is not shallow
A single glance, the touch of your hand, a happy moment in paradise.
Please do not betray me for I have been hurt,
nights alone, waiting by my phone, nobody to call me.
So please behave, though it's hard -- my heart is on my sleeve, and my pain is on my arm.
So please do not hurt me.
For trust is just now building.
Please do not hurt me for my heart cannot take it.
please do not hurt me for sake of holding onto hope
that trust is real and bonds don't break, that mother's womb's for babies wake,
and kittens cry as bees fly by, when you're with me I can finally see...
why my pain was finally set free.
So please don't hurt me for I am fragile
Please don't scorn me for I am true.
Please don't betray me for I fear the worst always.
Please just show me how to trust you.

God Help Me, I Am Scared.

I'm really quite anxious as of late being that I've become sexually active with my boyfriend. Oh yes, I have a boyfriend now. The thing about it is that I'm being stupid, we've never dicussed diseases or anything, and I know that I am clean because I've never been with anybody else. But I do not know about him. My paranoia is telling me that he's holding that back from me for sake of keeping me around. We had one conversation once about it and he claimed to be clean, but anybody can say anything ... I could be superman if need be for the moment. So now I am faced with the fact that I took in a taste of his bodily fluids and I'm now in line for potential death if HIV is present and I am not clued in. I'd like to think that nothing is going on here, and I'll go on a whim and say that I am being really, really paranoid here. But I'm acting like an idiot not to use a condom when I give him head. So now I need to talk with him and make certain that he's not lying to me about anything. And if indeed there is anything to be iffy over .... I'll have to get tested. I should probably do it anyways being that I'm now embracing my sexual / sensual side. I just pray that we're both okay and that there is nothing to worry about of his "dark" past that he does not want to mention. Last night I nearly vomitted as I recieved a text from him saying "I need to tell you something" ... in my head I'm thinking that I was about to recieve my death threat in a text message. Luckily it was not. I really like this guy and I want to feel 100% around him, but as long as we dont have this one clear, I'll be forced to be afraid of him until otherwise settled down.

I went to the gunshop

With the rain outside and a silent office, I've entered a bit of a free floating anxiety zone. There is a sense of death flying about the sky as I am forced to confront winters inevitable arrival. The days will soon shorten and the night will grow longer. My sense of self always seems to leave in these cold short days, winter shows us the darkness so that we can come back into the light with strength and the courage to run in the sun when it arrives. This is what the dark goddess is supposed to be about. Change the person in that darkness so that they will come out stronger.

So here's a thought :

I'm afraid of what's been done like a shot to the face from a loaded gun.

If that loaded bullet stings, I know it won't be any fun.

And yet I went to the gun shop and I held my finger to the trigger.

If this state is unconcious then I hope that I wake up alive.

And if this place is unkept, I hope to see it thrive.

I suppose that the only way to know that is to inside those doors

take em down, give em some blood and let them know that you've seen everything under the sun.

But that you didnt want to own a loaded gun.

Thoughts About Work

When is it justified in the work world that we are to give ourselves over completely to each customer. There is a line between work self and self self. The worst is when you work with tyrant pigs named Danielle, the co-worker from hell, the one who is always right, and always has an opinion on your sales performance. Since day one this woman has treated me like a piece of dog shit, something she just didn't want to deal with. And come the moment that I had a question about this new industry she'd yell at me and belittle me intelligence.

After a year of insults, rude attitude and disrepect I finally told her something simple yesterday ... "You know what FUCK YOU". As simple as it was, it felt beautiful to take her control away for a moment. This is a woman who plays by all the rules but breaks conduct in order to maintain control over those who seem smaller than her. And I think she knows this too. I've been on to her game since day one, but I've tried my best not to make this office a confrontational offiice. But to be honest, it's inevitable now that she and I will go to heads because I've become very short fused with her, this job and my customer. Actually the job itself is not so bad, it's the constant push for greatness which drives me insane. At the end of the day, I'm just a lad trying to make his rent cheque.

At the end of the day everybody's trying to make the rent, and at the end of the year we're all tired from the hours of bullshit that we endured in order to pay our taxes. This wheel isn't easy to work with but it's the wheel which makes the "world go round". Sometimes I think that we should trust in the fact that this world's going to go around and around no matter what job we take. Unfortunatley we rely on our jobs to create security and within that sense of security we fall down beneath our own self worth and develope working horse syndrome.

The Great Fall

I'm trying to hold my power and the light seems to be blowing south. This means there is a force against me and I am trying my best to keep the flame strong. I've got this force, that force and my own force blowing me around, and I'm too afraid to close a window for fear of falling out and to the ground far below. My voice isn't heard and my heart is untrue to myself. I am fearful of losing this battle, I am fearful of hurting anyone around me. I am becoming a yes man all over again and they can't understand how horrible it is to be one man in a huge circle. I am not the president, I am simply your friend, so why is it so hard to accept that time is not always on our side. Sometimes I feel angry when sex is my enemy, never on my side or shall I say that I choose not to walk down that path. I feel scared when others do not take interest in me because I am not ready to give myself sexually for the cause of a relationship. No I am not waiting for marriage, I'm just not ready yet. And then there is the threat that it could all go to shit at any moment ... I could be cheated on and that'd be my fault because I did not surrender to the needs of another man. What is wrong in here, what is wrong with my head?. Am I spinning out of control or am I holding on to a vile of poison?. I think that I've walked through all the doors available and this time the winning door calls . . . Where the hell do I run to now when my dignity suffers the great fall ?.

Is This My Coming Of Age Story?; Or is Chapter One Closing?.

"Nah ah ah ah !, It's shorter than that even !"

Everything in my life is changing, I've got my own house, I've got a boyfriend and I just cut all of my hair off. Yes the latter bit is true, for those of you who may have guessed who this shadow-boy is, you can now see me without the hair past my shoulders, and it's scary. The sad part about it is that when I got home last night and showed the family my new hairstyle, they all began to look at me with utter shock and dissapointment. My mother had to go on and tell me that I looked like a Beatle, and everyone else just said "oh my god, it's so short". The truth is that I never intedned for my hair to go as short as my stylist took it, and for that reason I am feeling unsatisfied. At this point I am apprehensive to run into anyone that I've known for over a year up here, for sake of commentery.

Last night my father asked me about that message from N**o on Tuesday. And once again there was no conversation to follow my comment "yeah, I heard that she left a really weird message". What's going on here?, have I set off some kind of time bomb, have I reset my place in the universe?, what is going on here. Everything's changing so fast. Even my image has gone through a 180 litterally over night. It's almost like I am being groomed for something bigger than I'm used to. Will I be rewarded ?; or is this the reward?. I'm not used to everything in my personal life changing, I've been so used to being affiliated with my family, that standing on my own two feet and standing alone feels really uncomfortable at the moment.

It's not really a matter of lonliness, more than it is a sense of being forced to come out into the light. Come out of the closet, cut this hair off that hid my face and inside for so long .... I've been taken out of hiding and now I am on the front line. What do I do to reinforce myself again after the storm. I feel it's changing and it could even be for the best, but after that is there no turning back. It is right now, that I am forced to take a look at all the things which brought me here. Is this my coming of age story "Chapter 1", or is this the conclusion to a very long and detailed chapter. Either way you cut the narrative, this is a time of change and I'm very scared, maily because it has everything to do with me and the spotlight is on.

Things Are Looking Up !!!!

(Actual Apartment Photograph)

News flash !

I got the apartment !. After all of my doubt and all of my financial insecurity, I nabbed the apartment number that I applied for and I did not settle for less !. I am proud of myself for this achievment. And though I am still kind of taking it all in [move in is not until the 1st of November], I'm SO excited .... so, so excited. This means that I can do what I want, when I want and sing however loud I want to in the shower, drink too much coffee ... write my songs, read my books, have a little bit of quiet and have my friends over without feeling like I am being monitored. Oh this is something to thank God for. I did pray a lot over this one, which for those who read these blogs, is kind of rare. But this achievement says to me that God is looking out for me, He looked out for me last year when I nabbed my job as a travel agent and now look at me .... things are looking up. Things are definatley looking up !.

Expression of Visual Music

Today I am in that box again, looking at the world pass me by. And yet I can see them all look upon me like a witch, a freak, a force of beauty which makes them all look inside to evaluate morale and values.

My wounds once covered by trench coat and coil, are now seen by all. And the hospital visit that you'll offer me can only be refused for sake of shame. No you have not a prodigal son . . for he's DOWN for the count.

The Life That I Cannot Hide Away From : Hiding my Heart.

For the first time in about 15 years, I am terrified of my Mother for sake of her now questioning my sexuality. The phone call that came in yesterday afternoon has the both of us avoiding conversation, and has brought is to very akward conversation. "How's the weather" - "I'm fine", many long pauses. Even my sister is worried about the telephone call. She's known about me for some time now, but has not issued the news out to anybody but those who I give her permission to. My sexuality is very "don't ask, dont tell" with those who I am not too open with. Sadly, my mother has been out of the know now for about 10 years.

In other news, I've put in an application for an apartment and I am feeling the harsh message of rejection coming my way, as I have yet to recieve a telephone call about the fucking place. I a assuming that I'm not qualified for the apartment. When I called my father yesterday for him to co sign, he told me that he couldn't do it, and that he would not even give me his social security and birthdate to fill the co sign app out for him. This only reinforced my sense of dissapointment in him. For he has always done this to me. I can't say that he has been all bad, for he's kept me with a home for my whole life. But when it comes to support and help - he's never followed through. However, he'll always go to bat and follow through for my other brothers [from his first marriage].

Now that I have put in an apartment application and my mother has pretty much found out "The big secret", I've got one more piece of news to unveil. J*****n text messaged me this morning to inform me that he needs a break from "us". He tell's me that he likes me too much and that he needs time to think about his life. It makes sense, but I've also heard this before -- Aaron told me the same thing, and within a week he had a new boyfriend, and let me down in the ugliest way possible. Although I do not forsee J******* repeating the same wrongs as Aaron did to me, I can honestly say that I am secretly bubble wrapping my most valuable items, so to make a quic escape if this all comes crubling down.

This is almost too much to handle in a single week, but perhaps there is a reason for it all. Maybe I was not meant to be surrounded by those I "love", my own shame has me running from the life that I cannot hide away from. Everything is so magnified in scale this week that I feel a migrane coming on. I've had times like this in the past, maybe I'll prove to be stronger this time around, maybe I'll just have to say "fuck it" and move away. Am I destined to be the man that runs away from his problems, or will I stand up and face the shadows that talk to me on walls. "And I wish I could lay down beside you When the day is done And wake up to your face under the morning sun But like everything I've ever known I'm sure you'll go one day So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away."

Changes made to your itinerary

Dear Sxxx,

I'm just writing you this letter to inform to you that your life is going through a change. I can see here in your record that you are not up for too much change, but trust me it'll be for the ... well we cannot guarantee your happiness and satisfaction. You were informed that nothing in this contract is concrete, so if you have any complaints - you probably should take them up with the devine creator, but he's generally out of the office. So you'll just have to deal with this rejection letter on your own.

Yours,

S*** C****

The Heat Of Summer Sunshine.

I've been faced with a moment of truth today as an old friend of mine called me in congratulations of my "new boyfriend". Only this telephone call did not come to my personal voicemail box, but rather my home telephone number and on the answering service of my mother's telephone. Confronted with it today, my mother asked me "is there something you're not telling me", in response to that message, and I responded with "I don't know what she's smoking" -- perhaps the worst brush off in the book. This basically said to my mother "yes, and I'm still going to hide it from you". Now is a time of change, and apparently it was in the cards according to the man I am dating.



Is it easier to live in a lie, with the fantasy that nobody knows your dirty little secret, thus living in denial. Or is it easier to be bold, new and yourself completely, not living the lies, not pretending to be anything other than who you are in the moment. My hands are shaking as I type this, and my stomach is in knots. I don't know where it is in the back of my mind that I believe that nobody knows or suspects that I fuck men, and that I will never marry. This life is such a freaks paradise that even those closest to me cannot know my fetish. As innocent as I may appear, and as grounded as I am .... I am a homosexual living in the shadows. And suddenly there is an ounce of light upon me ... here, see me run from the truth.



And so in my own expression of this emotion, I leave you with a music video from The Corrs, and though one may think that I am biased [due to loving this band], the video expresses this feeling that I am going through. It's about hiding your heart in the darkness, perhaps for fear of confrontation. The shame, the fight or flight .... it's all there today.

Honesty and Action

Monday's are never any good. Weekends go by so fast when it rains outside. Nights are short when you're awake through till the end. And yet Monday comes .... and you feel as though you didnt chill out at all. It's all an escape from the reality that you call your present day lifestyle. You're supposed to find an apartment to rent but you are too scared, you try your best to satisfy your boyfriend, but he's got other needs as well. You've got a crying mother who's says "my baby's moving out", when in reality that baby has not even found his own apartment to begin with. All this melodrama -- where's it ever end?. New boss in the office come Monday, regional sales manager comes to follow, big day in the sales market, new system says "Hallow!". The dissapointment is growing, your life is becoming a lie. Unattentive to the heart you're sticking around in a sick town -- you know you should'nt be here. You know it's not right, you know it's not your favorite job, you know you're suffering from not moving forward. What do you do?, how do we re align ourselves to become in tune. Honesty and action is the key, and yet much like love, it's hard to do.