Dissapointed to hear that he does not like me or even find me very attractive. Yes the polls came in from our recent crush and once again [like my credit card decline letters] "We're Sorry Mr.________ but due to insufficiant dating history on file we are unable to process your request at this time. If you have any questions . . . ". Indeed I have been rejected once more from a boy only to find out that I am not his type. Apparently too femminite; one I've heard one too many times on my credit history. If I can't find a taker, will I spend my twenties single, bored and virign?. What are my ideals, and why am I allowing them to hinder my happiness.
The worst part about it is that i found out through a mutual friend who purposly kept the gathered information from me, for she knew that I would be upset and react. More upsetting than the rejection is the simple fact that it was hidden from me for over two weeks, and he's known about my crush for that long. We've hung out [nothings changed] BUT HE KNEW ! and I sat around thinking "well maybe he likes me". As I found out last night, he thinks thats cool but no no. It's not even that I liked him all that much. It's that he's a nice guy, and the only men who EVER come within a foot of me are 40 year olds and crack babies. I'm tired of attracting the assholes, I want a nice man. I feel let down because I've been rejected. My life is rejection.
Sometimes I think to myself that I can go three ways with my life. Become numb, become an asshole or hurt myself and die. Because being this sensitive hurts beyond compare and my mind goes on rambling for hours once the truth is uncovered. I dont like change and so that is why my actions never meet on the same level as my words. It hurts me to admit that I am full of shit based on comfort and uncomfort. I dislike change when it means that I have to --- change. Yeah I'd rather wake up miraculously changed and in the final stage of it without any memory of how hard it was to get there. But that's a fantasy and perhaps one of the greatest parts in life is suffering the sting in order to taste the sweet.
Patience is my one enemy now, we're not seeing eye to eye and in the effect that I dont make it out of this depression anytime soon; you'll all be reading a lot of selt loathing entries about how disgusting I am and how un worth living I am. I can't help it but to feel this way when I am rejected for lack of a better reason than being too ________ you fill in the blank. I am a horrid dater and I doubt I'd make a valid boyfriend. Yes all of this negativity will hold me back from EVER getting what I want. But at the end of the day all I want is to use [whoever] like a drug, feel good and move on. So maybe I should go fuck the world - and pretend to be happier. Or maybe I should use drugs, because my mind is like a stinger and I'm tired of being stung.
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