So I've got this gnarly little spider bite on my middle finger. It's kind of like oozing water or something and my whole hand is swollen. I'm thinkin this is kind of a red flag but I'm not doing anything about it. Such warning of danger remindes me of my past relationships, friendships and aquaintences. Where do we learn in life who is the puss, who is the bite and who's the spider?. Am I so desperate for approval that I allow the spider to bite and when he leaves; I spread the venom through my flesh?. Am I that self destructive?, am I that sad?.What brings us to the behaviours that we repeat again, and again?. Why is it that we feel the need to become settled characters within our relationships?. Where inside of me did I decide to be the persephone character. Accepting my fate like the change of the seasons. The one who's waiting by the lake side for disaster. The dark god can take me and I'll accept my fate for that moment in time. I'll always be betrothed to his or her will for me; I will even spend time with him after my scentence is complete for curse of the pomegranate seed. The balancing act and the queen.
The whole thing of being a born artist and an actor at best is the idea that I never have to wear one face for the world. I can be whoever I want to be in any situation. It's all a matter of choosing the proper suit for the occasion. Unfortunatley as I have described in previous posts here; I find myself as a mirror until the shit hits the fan and that is when I truly step into my own shoes. It's like the situation in California with my cousin and old friend. Those two entered a sexual relationship and all loyalty went out the door. I saw that red flag coming and I pulled out the nails; and I crucified myself before all to see the injustice of the two who hurt me most.
I suppose that what it all boils down to for me and the nature of my actions is that I am vulnerable and naieve. I try and put off a stronger image than I really feel inside of me. Yet my willingness to be so candid makes me more appealing to the public than most others are in a lifetime of money making and lies. My major frustration is perhaps self induced; it is the frustration of constantly eating my own words. The thing is that i think out loud, and I feel more emotion than I do assertion toward the things that I want in this life. So in the end that makes me an all talk and no play kinda guy. Surely I have to change - I think it's time to put on a new mask. But in order to find it; I think I have to travel a bit.
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