Sometimes it takes so much to get so little and in the process you find something special. Other times you'll have it all from the begining and you'll throw it all away. But this time I dont have anything at all and I'm killing it from behind. This whole dating thing drives me nuts. I dont do it enough to take a hit and make a gain and I'm becoming more and more insecure about myself in the process. I've been dating for about a year and a half and I am yet to find anyone worth my time. I'm that one who walks away from the date with a serious crush based on a dream; while the other member walks away understanding the boundaries of 'platonic meetings'.
Most kids go through the trials and errors of rejection from a young age in high school. And if you were popular enough to get a date back then, I think you'll have some hopes for the present day. But I was not that kid. I was the home schooled kid with too much energy and not enough social outlet to express it. So today when I meet men for casual covnersation [class act I know] I find myself holding two dialogues. There is the one who works in the present conversation and then there is the one who is thinking about "Oh I bet I look so ugly right now.","Oh fuck, I bet he thinks I'm insane" and or "Tori Amos, The Corrs, Brandi Carlile, What am I doing tomorrow". So it's hard to remain focused on my date when all that I can think about is if I should kiss him at the end of the evening or if I should let him go back into the darkness where he was before our exsistence.
I've dated a few assholes over the past year. I've even managed to find myself two psychotic free mason boys pleasure me. Yes indeed I found myself quite thrilled by the first one, with whom every so often I find temptation to contact again for sake of empty hopes and broken promises. I do desire intimacy like any other man or woman. It is however generally recieved through cheap offers and my own desperation to be kissed. I'll be real -- the guys I've been with are always good looking, very fit -- but theyre fucking LOSERS. And they always seem to catch my "Nice" card and use it for their advantage. So this is when I came to learn don't date boys your own age go for older. Because somehow older men [25-30] won't treat you like a piece of gain.
In conclusion I am really looking forward to meeting this guy on Thursday after work. He's really attractive, seems like a nice guy and hopefully is not a sex freak. Because I'm not putting out on the first date. But I am frustrated because I can't stand the rules on gay dating. If you dont act like a slut the first time around - he'll think you're a prude. Otherwise you put out and all is lost in fifteen days. I really like the build up to something "special", earning that sense of "wow" and working toward something honest and trust worthy. Sadly I dont trust too many people; and that often creates insecurity, jealousy and sadness. What's this guy to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment