Today is Sunday, this means that I wake up at 8:00am for Mass and watch as all of the parishoners go up for Holy Communion. Why do I watch ?, it's 'cause I'm livin for myself and I have not gone to confession for over 3 months. I've probably done nothing worst than lust and masturbation but when you're taught that such things are from hell and not of God; you become used to shame and uselessness. Part of me wanted to run up there and celebrate life with the others; while everything in my conscience told me to stay back. It was in this moment that a beautiful blonde woman in her mid 30's asked my in a kind voice "Why aren't you going up for a blessing", to which I responded like the guily homo-Catholic that I am; "Oh I haven't been to confession in weeks . . so." and she says to me almost like a mother to child "Well you can still go up and recieve a blessing". Almost as though I was not understanding something, as though maybe I was blocking out the sense of love that was being shared within that Church.
If Jesus died for my sins, then why am I spending so much time on my knees and in the spiritual gutter. Why is it that we are all raised to feel so ashamed of ourselves?. Why am I so afraid to come out to my family; and why is God so vengeful if he is also so loving ?. The human perception of God comes to many different conclusions. The one that I have come to is that I dont have a conclusion until I meet the guy. One cannot simply accept the ideas that another man puts on a devine force and creator of nature and all things in essence. So by writing this, I am not killing God, rather I am trying to re build a new understanding of him. The God that is given to me in my church is a God of "love, kindness and redemtion". Yet all of my years of learning this faith has brought me farther from that loving and understanding than anything else. But perhaps I am to blame for that?, or is it my "Christian" brothers and sisters who have taken me away from faith and loyalty to the Lord.
I just think that Jesus came here to bring men and women together; not seperate them by dominance and separation. He said that no sin is greater than the next and if the story goes as true, He even killed himself for the symbol of those debts. Sin has created a monster called men on men judgement and female hatred. It has made a mold for homophobia and has lead us to war and violence based on morality and religion. Maybe I want to believe this so that I can do what I like without sense of guilt and examination. The conclusion here is that I am totally confused about my faith and me religion and the God that I was raised to believe is in control of all things. I still do believe that - it's just that I don't know where to stop my life in order to follow his example, or if to fuck up for a while and eventually come back to God. Or is it worth anything at all to say "I am okay as I am, and if God is love and He created all things in the world; then I was created Gay, I was created equal and I was created in His image.
Ugh I'm so fucking confused - I don't even know what to make of life right now.
1 comment:
that was really beautiful. i think you have possibilities and should try writing. but never write for anybody else; write for yourself - it's the only way to keep your integrity as a writer and as a man. peace.
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