This morning he recieved a text message from a boy that I do not like. A "frenemy" as they say. He showed and ounce of desire by his care and therefore I found myself a bit worried. This boy stole an ex from me in front of my face one year ago, and somehow he is back in my life. I cannot judge for they met on the same day before we did; only I met my boyfriend hours later. Last week J****** was telling me about how this boy Cr** wanted to meet up with him to mess around, this pretty much threw up a red flag to me. And while I wanted to find Cr** and kick his ass for even thinking of doing this again I also realized that he does not know I exsist in the middle of his desire.
The two issues here is ... well no there are three. The first is that Cr** has no boundaries, the second is that he is HIV positive and the third is that I question my boyfriend's desires. Does J****** value me over everyone else, or would a tryst with Cr** mean "sex" and sex only to him?. The major issue there would be for our health, if J****** has sex or even messes around with him, he is putting our relationship on the line and our health on the grill. I don't trust Cr** at all. And though I respect hi as a human being, I do not believe that he is a genuine and respectful person.
Sometimes I feel out of the loop as being white, as they are both bi racial. Somehow being white makes me feel like the underdog, and the "enemy". Sometimes I feel like I cannot compare to that connection. The truth is that I trust my boyfriend, I trust him because I have to. I trust him because if I do not, then I am opening the door for my worst fears to unfold before me. So I trust him because of his word. He tells me that he does not like Cr** in that way. But the simple fact that Cr** likes J****** makes me feel really intimidated. When all of this goes through my mind, I can go two ways with it. I can choose to take it as a battle, and keep an eye on my boyfriend; thus choosing to display distrust, or I can do nothing and show my boyfriend that i do indeed trust and respect him. For it is my ownpast with this Cr** dude that makes me feel anxious over there freindship.
The people that we choose to "hang" with show something about our desires inside. What I learned from hanging with Cr**, Aaron, Kolt and the gang, showed me a side to their group which displayed immaturity and lack of self control. Thankfully I resigned my position there before I allowed it to ruin my life. I'm not saying that I wish my boyfriend would do the same, but I feel as though I have a sense of knowledge when it comes to this boy. I feel as though I've chosen to depart from that group of people and I am somewhat upset that this one character has come back into my life, and between my boyfriend (once again).
In the end, I've been trying my best not to lay in my head over matters that are not in exsistence. It is not fair to anybody here to assume anything. So I am requiring myself to accept the current situation as long as it does not present itself as a problem. I am also trying hard not to feel any "needs" when it comes to being affirmed by my boyfriend. All that matters is that he and I enjoy each other's intimacy, company and respect enough to continue on with each other. I will not fear anything that has not come to my doorstep. But if there is ever a moment when it becomes clear to me that something is going wrong I will have no choice but to take action. So I will continue to try and keep the peace here. For I respect my boyfriend andI believe that he respects me too. And before I end this - I will let that one voice speak a few words.
"Please do not do anything to taint this trust. For if you do, then I will find myself broken again. 'Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it'. All that I can too is show you my love and I pray that you do not show me any reason not to love again".
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