An Aching Heart.

Today is one of the darkest days I've had in months. I'm feeling horribly sick, alone and disappointed. I haven't talked to J****** yet about what happened last night and how horrible it made me feel. And yet I want to turn to him and hug him and let my tears dry on his shoulder. I feel lost and scared, angry and confused. And though these words are pouring from me, somehow I feel like something is terribly wrong. Perhaps it is the hour and a half sleep I got last night, waking with a hang over. Maybe it's the dizziness in my head and the fog of pain looming over me. Maybe I don't feel so happy. Because for the first time in 3 months I am deathly depressed and I don't know who to turn to.

I can't look inward for my head is spinning and my body aches, my heart is bleeding and my souls confused. All that I ever wanted was an equal attraction, an equal mate, an equal partner. I'm so fucking insecure, I'm trying my hardest to hold on, but my grip is losing. God I want you in my life J******, I want you to ease my pain, but when pain comes from the flirtation that I witnessed ... I feel as though I have been cheated. I try so hard to support you, I want to give my all to you. And yet what I experienced last night, tears on my heart and tells me to hide again. I dont want to hide, you've shown me the path of care again. To care more about somebody than your own self . . . and yet to feel insecure of your actions, your efforts. Does it all go in vain?.

Something inside of me says "love will never last", so I'm always wearing a medi-pack to heal my wounds. The truth is that flirting should not be a threat, and I am being so god damn selfish to feel this way when I see you flirt with my friend. I don't want to lose you to anybody else. God damn it, that's happened to me too many times. Somehow I feel as though you want him, a lust that I cannot compete. These letters and words may describe these emotions but they do not heal them. Maybe sleep will heal this exhaustion. All I want is you.

So what do I do now, when trust is in question?. I do not want you to think that I do not trust you, for I've opened that door to you. But trust is a tricky game and it opens the door to 24 hours of questions and pain. Will I ever find the courage inside and the security to know that there is no other man for you but me?. For I have not looked into another man's eyes with hope since the moment we first kissed. My body is burning and I am torn over such a little hour in our lives. I fear to tell you this for I do not want to fight. I'm crawling on my knees to vomit up this confusion, but dry heaves and chills just keep me from defusion. I just want you to be mine, I just want today to turn fine. God won't you take this pain away. The pulse of my heart is squeezing, I'm suffocating in silence. Maybe my exhaustion has turned to self induced inner-violence. Just one kiss .... just one kiss... you are the one, the only one that I miss. Won't you please just hold me until these tears are gone?.