So I want to re evaluate the emotions that I was going through yesterday. I was feeling quite alone and confused. I had a pretty bad hangover and I was not feeling too fair. After work, I met up with J****** and we discussed the situation. It turns out that we were both feeling the same way within the company of others. Apparently we both felt like a third party member to the two sides of the coin. I to K*** anf J***** and he to K*** and I. So the lesson that I learned through this is that I needed to be more emotionally attentive to my boyfriend and not just to myself. The only confusion that I felt from that time was from not knowing that J****** felt the same way. So I feel somewhat guilty for feeling so insecure, and I also learned that I need to not allow my emotions to control me. I've always allowed them to take over. I'm not one to look at the big picture, I am very caught up on the color schemes and pixels.
Now is the time in my life when I need to gain a bit more self control. And gaining that, means controlling myself from going to far in the head when I think something is going on (in there). I will have to try my best not to control the world and do a better job of becoming like water, flowing through the world from end to end, and experience the beautiful cleanse of worry and fear. I apologised to J****** for letting my own fears of the past dictate the present. I need to let go of those fears and trust in the beautiful being that he is. And though it will be a challenge not to see the scorn of Aaron; which scared and hurt me, I will have to just trust J****** and care for us as a piece.
One of my favorite interviews with Andrea Corr (though I cannot find it anywhere online), is one where she describes a relationship as "Remembering The Stranger", a philosphy which requires one to remember that once upon a time, two beings held a whole life before they met one another, and to hold on to the preciousness of affection. I do not own my boyfreind and he does not own me. All that we have is today, all that we are is us. I have nothing more than respect and attraction to this boys heart. I want to protect his heart and learn to heal my own. Sometimes I feel scared of -- scaring him. I dont want to be intense, intensity is a turn off. So I am indeed intimidated by the posts and feelings that I felt and wrote yesterday.
Today I am kicking ass at work, making sales and I found out that I can move into my apartment on Tuesday. It's a pretty good turn around from the darkness that I surrounded myself with yesterday. Sometimes I feel as though I surround myself in my own inner darkness, when all that I want is for peace and love [ew, that was aweful hippie of me]. In the end, all that I need is a bit more control over my emotions, and to learn how to trust others, especially when I know that they care about me. I do feel some embarrassment with this aspect of S***.
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