Winning Gayest Man In _________ Award.

I feel alone inside because I cannot tell anyone else who I "Really Am" without feeling the need to reason with them toward why I'm not a freak. Luckily most of my friends don't care who I sleep with; however they feel the need to define me by it. And it's not just me, it's the balck man, the gay man, the cross dressing man and the plant man. What drives us to create the human lable machine?. I'm constantly battling the norms and I generally make my way through life in denial that everyone knows my little secret. I suppose that I should not be surprised when I'm referred to as "The Gay One". But I really should not accept that either. For when we allow ourselves to be put down, then we learn to stay down. And rarely do we find it easier the next time to stand back up.

I've been knocked down, on my ass for years and just now am I trying to get back up. It's a goddamn job, and it's not easy because I've spent so long in denial of myself and of my human right to believe that I am equal to the man next to me. But I don't believe that I am, and I am always looking for affirmation through those ultimatley weaker than myself. I am strong enough to know what I will not sell out for; but somehow I still can't raise my voice in the classroom. I constantly fear the sucker punch of life. So I lay low and wait for the right moment to exit the film library. I do myself a great injustice when I allow my fear to back me down. In the end I am defined as the national gay doormat.

On Friday, or shall I say early Saturday morning, I was on my way out of the local gay bar here in town. I had gone with my friends A***** and K***, K*** is actually the guy I had a small crush on a few posts ago [July]. Basicly as I walked out of this bar I found myself hand in hand with a lad I had seen inside earlier that night. As we are walking outside I'm thinkin "Oh he's cute, maybe he wants to make out"; instead he says "Hey you're the really gay guy right?", and I'm absolutley dumbfounded by this comment. Seriously not a response could come to mind, for I did not know weather to be livid or laugh my ass off and the irony of being at a gay club and being called "the really gay guy". And ultimatley I kinda felt jipped that I didnt get the "Gayest man in here" award for August !.