A Modern Day RANT

I can feel the gloom over my eyelids. There is a deep depression begining in this moment. I feel it in my chest, on my shoulders and in my heart. Everytime I go to that god damn place inside my heart I rot. I rot and I rot. Nobody would ever have a boy who thinks for himself. A smart man with different looks and an average body. But alas they look to the prince beside him and cut conversation just to know who [he] is. At this point I dont even know who my friends are. I have more than a ton in drinking buds, a few friends who will stick around to kick it - but nobody who will let me grab into them so that they can grab into me and we can share each others souls. I dont feel protection at all, I feel very vulnerable and that's scary. But I've always been this being. I have always felt - when I really needed to feel, and when I really didnt need to feel and when everybody else needed not to feel I felt and it's always been this fucked up pool of conciousness I exsist in.

I need something but I dont know what it is. God's slipping out the back door, or should I say that I'm asking him to leave the conversation right now. I don't feel close to Him right now, I think I can remember a time when I really believed in Him and the hope that He would save me from my sadness and longing. And yet I'm too tired to "call out" to Him. So perhaps I am damning myself, but I dont - know what else to do, but to try and do it all myself. To find love, date, exsist, work, play, think, cry [on in my case NOT], to try and put on the right social face every day only to be called out as "The Gay One". I am in pain and I feel like nobody's there to talk to me, to hear me out, to tell me that I am beautiful inside for every FIBER of my being. Please don't spark your opinion on me, for I do not care what you have to say of my life and my decisions. I just need "love", and I'm not finding it anywhere.

All that I see out there are young adults acting like babies. Their modern day rattlers aka Cell phones, and their fit bodies -all it does is cover the pain. And I'm not --- I cant hold mine back. I feel it when I do and I have to talk it out to get it away from me. And all of those in this life who wear the masks, see me as a freak because I'm expressing all that they've become phobic to; emotional reality. I work and I accept the cuts, I go home and I accept the mayhem, I walk down sidewalks and I'm called a faggot. I'm not as "gay" as they see me. I'M A VIRGIN, I'VE NEVER FUCKED A MAN IN MY LIFE. So how the HELL - how the FUCKING HELL do you know who I am.

AND now I will leave because I am enraged.