I can honestly say that in recent days, I've written about 23 posts, only I have kept them in raw form. I suppose that you could say all of these little words are in raw form. Nothing is an essay until it is presented in the classroom. So until I make these works final, I suppose that you could say I'm a writer constantly in progress. It is rare however; that I'll re visit a blog and revise it. I generally believe that words fom the present make most sense. Often as I am writing I'll find the spark goes out and that is when I am forced to walk out of the room. But today I am working with -- an open mind.
I suppose it helps for once not to talk about myself and the relationship issues of late. The constant examination of self, and the sadness that it takes to be an active Virgo male. But if you were to ask me next Tuesday what I thought about the day I wrote that blog or any of these, you'll hear me say that I was trying my best to work the source of emotion in that moment. And that is what I work with, emotion. In this moment I am working with the buisness aspect of explaining ones self. And tomorrow morning after I experience the rest of tonight, I'll probably have something to say about that as well.
Sometimes it's hard to write when so many words come into my mind. I don't have enough room in this apartment to store them. So I kind of stack a thought on top of a word, and try my best to stuff those two in the closet along with the poems. If I'm not getting it all out at once, I have to try my best to preserve it. I don't carry a pen and paper ever. I am actually quite your techno writer, I cannot get it all onto paper, so they always end up online. I sometimes worry about my thoughts and quirks making it into somebody elses atmosphere without recieving copyright protection.
More than anything else I want to be thought of as an artist, a man with original thoughts and arguments. I am 22, going on 23 and I find it so complicated to be the "jerk". Being the jerk does not get me anywhere, so I do my best to try and be the .... reasonable one. But reasonable does not really get me too far as well. So I'll go cut throat and that will lose me some friends here and there. And then I will come back to this stage and talk about it to you all in the empty arena of hope and desire. I do not ever know who may read this. And I do not let you know who I really am in image for - perhaps my own words can be your best friend after school.
I believe in creation and I believe in using that force to make change in mind. I'll be the first to admit that change comes very hard to me. Even today as I debated with my friend over getting a new hair style from her mother [a local sylist], I found myself in the clutches of self doubt and denail of change. For it looked me right in the face and I said "hell no", sometimes it's like an abusive relationship inside of my mind. It's like a constant conflict of morals and ideas. Is this artistic angst or is this temporary insanity?.
Somedays I'll come home from work and I will feel like the entire world is caving in on me. For I do not have enough time to be myself. And the image that I promote unto others does not do me justice at all. Image in itself goes along with change and art. It's easy to hold it all inside, it's so intimidating to let it out to others. I can talk a lot of emotion, but I find it hard to act upon emotion. I will never be your man to say "I really dig you, do you wanna grab a coffee right now?". I'll let you go and I'll go home and I'll feel like shit about lost opportunity. Opportunity is something that I will opnly take if I know there is a guarantee. So if there does not seem to be a light at the end of the sales pitch - I aint takin it. So that's why I didnt take the new hair style.
My own thoughts cannot be trusted in me. So I look outward to others to mold me for me. Create my own misery so that I can go to rehab. I have been self destructive in the past and I know that it gets me nowhere. So when do I stop this car and highjack the next one. I need a new vehicle and I'm too afraid of the changes that follow selling the current hooptie. So where do I work the courage?, how do I stand up and wash off the self induced blood and bruises, clean up my act and go to work in the morning?. I do not want to compromise for any man on this planet. I will not wear any image, but I'll try it on inside. Grab me a smoke and I'll show you the vixen I can be inside. Throw me a dress and I'll be your best agent. Hand me my leather and I'll show you how dominating I can be. But after the spotlight turns out, I'll put on my glasses and work with Lois Lane again in the office. So who is he this superman, this hero of underdawgs.
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