The Finish Line

So what are you really feeling? the director asked the acting student. . .

I'm supposed to call about an apartment listing here in town. My friends are all pushing me to move out of moms house. I know that at 22 I should not be livin with parentals anymore but I'm sort of going "Oh okay .... this means growing up". It's a security thing, it marks becoming really self sufficiant and that's a great thing in ones life especially my own. I know I need it but I am putting this telephone call off like a doctors appointment. My defeatist attitude is truly shining through on this as well. Like my relationship outlook, I am thinking this could be a grim process. But one never knows until one steps out into the lake right ?.

Sometimes my life begins to feel like the same story day in and out. I've got this 9-5 thing going on. I've got no live life and I've got a few friends. Sometimes I feel like the only guaranteed new excitement in my life is discovering new music, art and film. At that I don't have too much time to explore my own art and music realm. I'm not a musician, but sometimes I feel the need to sit at a piano and tell stories. The notes can tell us what's going on; aggressive or subtle moments of my very own artistic narrative. I want to lose myself in a different world - and not a drug world. I'm tired of parties and drinks and most of all, this fucking habit I took up about a year ago called smoking. I've gone through a small bit of self destruction in the past year. And had I not taken my job, it probably would have gotten worst.

Today as I walked toward my office from the University here, I was reminded of myself a year ago. It was brought on by the smell of morning; summer, water on pavement and memories of sleeping with the enemy. Yes indeed the past felt so good at the time, and the memories of it felt good again too. But then I remembered who it was that I was "sleeping" with and I nearly laughed to myself with rolling eyes. There is indeed a small part of me who misses that immaturity and that punk ass brat attitude that it took me to fuck around for a year in 2006. But then I think about who I am today and the maturity that I have gained, how much I have grown up and I kind of become proud of myself. This is a fucking rare moment for me, as I do not affirm myself all too often.

I still worry about time, and age and dreams and downfalls and defeat as much as I ever would. Hell if anyone reads my blog on a basis, you'll understand that I am generally bat shit. But I do it with much thought. I think a lot, probably too much. But if I did not than I'd be simple and I will not accpet simple behaviour for myself. I need to know the core, I need to see the source, I need to dance with the spirit and walk with the dead. Understanding the past is vital to my growth, embracing the present is difficult and being unsure of the future / taking chances is something that does not come easy to me at all. So all that I can do is work on myself, and I am still young enough not to be set in my ways. I just need to accept the challenges and bet on the rewards.