Issssssues.

I really want to get to the source of my life and I do not know how to find it or where to turn to get to the station to hop on the train to get there. I'm at a place in this arena of life right now where I feel discontent around my friends and aquaintences in town. I feel as though I am only known as one thing realllly really gay. I really am upset by this; so much so, that I am finding myself going backward into the coat hanger area of my closet. This is a place where I try and abort all that is sexual within me.

I think it's not fair that my being is compromised by my [apparently] outward sexual preference. And I'll also be honest enough to say that I am not proud to be gay, hell I barely even want to call myself that today. But it all goes back to the masks and mirrors effect that I love so much to discuss. When around the gay crowd, I am your best act. I am quirky, loud, femmy, annoying, bitchy and; the ultimate queer. Well maybe not, but that's sometimes the way it feels. Ultimatley what happens is that I throw intelligence out the door for a party boy image. And it's not to say that I'm not a natural party boy at core, but I'm also a smart man with a lot to say and it's upsetting that I don't put myself in smarter surroundings.

I mean let's face it, I'm living in a small "city" up north and there's nothing really special about this place other than becoming a coffee shop whore and hopefully writing ones first music album. It's just that everything and everyone up here is so small that I feel like - a celebrity sometimes. And I am getting the repuatation 'round these parts for being the "really gay guy". And like I have always said, I don't like lables and I dont want to be associated as "gay", because when you put that word into my present minded head, you'll recieve images of leather, pigs, immature bitch MEN who are TOO old to act like teenie girls and general mayhem. I'll be honest I do not like the gay community. HELL I barely even like Madonna !

I cannot stand inauthentic people. So when I am constantly called out as "the gay guy", I am being associated with all that I cannot stand about homosexuality within the "community". The cat fights, the "bitch what!?" 'tude, the obsession with diva hood, the queen shit. . . I hate it. And yet I am constantly referred to as a queen. I AM NOT a fucking queen. I hate that shit and I wish I were normal. I wish that I could still like men, but act LIKE a man. Hell, I dont find anything wrong with loving the same sex - I just dont like acting out the flamer shit. And I can't help it, so I suppose that I am pre destined to be that annoyingly queer 50 year old when I am ugly. AH !