Fuck you father.

First off I have to say that I cannot stand writing from the tin box that I am writing this in. It's my sisters bedroom which ... is overwhelmed by furnature, clothes and general uncare. This just makes it hard for me to think ... even as I overwhelmingly blast Tori Amos from my iPod. Today is Sunday, this means once again that I went to Mass this morning. It's been about a month and a half since I last fully participated in the Mass. You see in general I feel kind of strange about this life that I am living. I have much guilt about feeling like a homosexual male. And so a little while back I decided "I'm not worthy for Eucharist today". And ever since then, I had not gone to communion at the end of Mass.

Today however I knew it was time. Yesterday I went to confession, as ... stupid as it as it may sound to some. I didnt say much in particular, mainly I expressed my anger toward the church and my confusion toward the "Father". In the end I was inevitably absolved of my sins and therefore this morning I was ready to go to communion with every other sinner in the crowd. This was more so overwhelming than I imagined it would be; as Father's homily somehow ended up being on the topic of Gay marriage and the evils of homosexuality.

Funny that the one morning that i was ready to walk to the table; was it the same morning to feel like pure and evil waste from God. Basicly this man stood on the pulpit with the nerve to tell us that he has failed us in his teaching of morals. Now while he could have gone anywhere else in the book of sin and morale he opted to smack on the gays. Through about 10-15 minutes of telling us that it's "unnatural" and "unbinding of the laws of human nature" he ultimatley had me five feet from the door, ready to call this shit quits.

But deep inside I know that faith is more than a boxy, stubborn bastard on a stage yelping out about how "gays are so wrong" and "heterosexuality is the way". I have NEVER heard this expressed personally within a Catholic Mass, and this is why today I was appauled and shocked that this man embraced the moment to divide and seperate his parish for praise of a better morale . Because if you ask me, he's now done more damage than good by claiming this. For if I were indeed the only homo out there today; I walked away from that mass feeling like a witch within the hunt, and a parasite to morality.

Unfortunatley words are harmful, especially for those who seek to understand this Jesus of Nazareth. If you are to ask me - we need to take the man back out of religion. Religion was created for us to understand the old teachings. But if you were to ask me of who i think Christ was or who he would be today ... he'd be with the people and not against them. Sin is sin and I am offended that I was made to feel as though my sin was the most disgusting to heaven of them all. And to that I say fuck you mister priest man. Fuck you.

Ultimatley this is one of the first times in a long time that I have felt like my church does not accept my confusion. There is no place for love within that energy that he took against me this morning. And I do take it personally, because church is personal. It is a place for the soul ... and today I was told that my soul was tainted and immoral. This is a dark day in my faith, for it was supposed to be a great return to the table and instead I've walked away feeling empty, sad and evil. Thoughts of suicide have come to me, but I'd never end it that way. I know how to be strong, for this homosexual life is a life of sadness, lonliness and spiritlessness.