I Will Survive.

I feel like I know that homosexuality is wrong and yet I am so god damn gay. It's something that I wish I werent by nature. But if I were not gay, I would rather have no clue that I ever was. Basicly what I am saying is that, how would I feel if tomorrow I woke up attracted soley to women. Would I find it easier to date women or would I find myself best friends with all the lads suddenly?. At present I find it so much easier to hang with the ladies, for they will not judge me.

I have found it to be hard finding trust in males. For all my life, I have been made fun of or excluded by the prominent male figures in my life. My Dad left me when I was 15-18 after many years of being abusive to the entire family. My brother left me when I was 10 because he could not take the fatherly rage abuse any longer. When I was a kid in public and private schools, I was always made fun of for being emotional and speaking my mind. Even the teachers played their hand in the abuse. For they never understood my needs and punished me for my lack of educational understanding.

There have only been 3 males in my life who treated me like an equal human with potential. They were all instructors; one was my karate teacher, the next was my 6th grade teacher and the final was my spiritual director. Sadly two of the three are confirmed dead at this point and being that my 6th grade teacher was in the National Army Reserve, I am sad to assume his death as well. You see these men were not telling me that I was wrong in any way, they supported me and they made me feel like a stronger person just for being myself. These were real men, disconnected from the lines of the world. They were focused on their students. These were very healthy student / teacher, Boy/Man relationships.

Now I find myself in a sea of older men trying to get into my shorts; calling me "queer", showcasing my social differences to the crowd and generally creating phobia against men. Even amongst my peers I am finding that there is no connection there. I do not understand men, nor do I really care to; and yet I am a man. This is unhealthy for ones own sexuality. I'm well aware of the fact that I don't idintify myself as a man, I feel more like a woman emotionally. In body I know that I am androgynous. But I know that I am all male. So there is really no gender identity crisis going on here. I have never felt like I needed to have a vagina [ew]. But I have felt a lot like a woman emotionally.

I need acceptence like any other but when it comes to dating, I fall quickly. I think it comes from my longing to find someone [anyone] worth spending romance with. But I'll be the last to admit to a man that by the end of his cup of coffee, I'm already planning the wedding. And this is what seperates me from dating like a man. You see, a man will walk away from his date knowing the boundaries of his time and place within the other's life. I however date like a woman, and I constantly set myself up for defeat. I date men who aren't really looking for anything beyond a few hand jobs or a fuck.

I find that aspect of dating so frustrating because you spend so much time dating all the wrong men before you take a chance on finding a true connection regardless of looks, size, social status or background. I generally don't have too many requirements, but I do have my "type" and these are the ones who've never amounted to the dream I saw in their eyes the first time we met. Instead they are cordial enough to finish the evening out but never end up calling back. After two attempts to contact them, I always figure that it's time to throw in the towel because I don't want to be the "smitten" one. So in effect, I've been single for _ _ years. So perhaps it's all a matter of trial and error. Perhaps I need to be patient and graceful in the line of fire. And perhaps I should learn to love myself for who I am 100% before I seek that void filler from any man out there. None the less - it does get loneley out there. But I will live through it. I will survive.