Ya know, I don't want to be judged for the things I say here. Perhaps that is why I've chosen to keep my personal identity and my friends identities withheld. But sometimes I feel as though people know who I am, and the things, views or opinions that I say on here may give me an altered image. The truth is that I write and say what I feel when I am feeling it. Nothing can truly be set in stone until I act out upon it. So if one is to read what I say and think that is who I truly am; I'm not going to say "well then fuck you, I dont give a shit" -- because that's totally rude and overly cliche. However I will ask that you and I talk about it if you have any concerns or questions. Sure it'll be akward for me, but It'll create a foundation for "us", whoever "we" are.
In other thoughts and events, I've met a guy. Nothing exclusive, nothing more than a friend. But someobdy who's pretty outgoing and smart, which makes me smile inside with relief. I met him at a bookstore last weekend, after a few hours of playing "hide and smile". We started talking in the late afternoon, and by the time I put my books away and said goodbye to the new stranger, it must have been about 4 hours, because the sun had gone down. This is positive, leaving me with hope and wonder. I really enjoyed this young mans company, and he was truly intellectual. It's one of those things that I'm keeping on a backburner because I dont want to make a fool of myself.
Although I have moved on from a bad egg [see Post "I hate you"] I cannot get over the insecurity and phobia that the experience gave me. I hold fears of being rejected, and odd, and put off for a better man. Because the idiot I happened to fall upon had a way of treating me like the world and shitting in my face the following month. This character in my life introduced me to a sense of "Nothing ever lasts" in the game of dating. Which has indeed shown true as of late. I took a bit of a break there from the dating scene in order to close him out of my mind and to heal from the insecurity and confusion that I felt through those months. The crappiest feeling in the world is unloyalty and betrayal. And one should always be open with their dating status from the begining . Do not ever drag a boy into the gravel when you're meeting another groom at the altar.
In the months that followed that bad experience, I found myself emotionally fucked. Basically, I sought "love" in all the wrong places. I'd date men who previously dated Aaron [I'll name my enemies], and I'd think "we're from the same club, we both know what it's like to be hurt by this idiot". Wrong move buddy, these men dated him for a reason, they were all scum as well. Disgustingly sexualized and insane as Aaron was. So after a particularly disheartening experience with my friend A***** and a boy I dated through Aaron named Kolt. I concluded that I needed to quit the bullshit and stop dating. It was from that day to the present that I have been single and .... frustrated. Patience is the constant in this story. Longing for love is the foundation and finding love is the goal.
In the meantime I am reading an old self help book named "If Love Is A Game, These Are The Rules", by Cherie Carter-Scott [Oct 12, 1999]. I had once heard this book referenced by my cousin Z*** when she was in the midst of her Justin Timberlake obsession. Apparently he had read the book and swore by it. Well I'm reading it at present and I'd agree that it is a very fare book on the game of love. The first rule stated in the article is that one must love one's self before one can ever offer love, or find a successful relationship with another. It brings to mind the final quote said by Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw in HBO's successful series Sex and the City . . . "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the 'you' you love, well, that's just fabulous. " . This will be the greatest challenge of my early age; but the most rewarding in the end. Let us walk forward and find a mate when least expected.
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