This is The Right Time !

It's been a few days since I've written over here. I'm been working more at work than ... normal. I'm moving into my apartment today / tomorrow. Unfortunatley due to our schedules J****** and I have not seen each other all week, except for yesterday. So I'm trying my best not to be sad about it, I'm just trying to live it one day at a time. Last night I showed him the apartment and wen I got home from my new home, I had this odd dream which .. I think represented liberation. In the dream I was walking around an apartment naked and saying "so what it's my place", eventually in the dream I was making love to my boyfriend. It was an intriguing dream, but also created a sense of anxiety within me; as I am coming to terms with the fact that I am about to be accountable for everything that I do in my home. Sometimes I fear that I will feel alone, but I know that I will be okay.

J****** has been somewhat quiet lately, I dont recieve as many text messages as before, we haven't talked on the phone much. Sometimes I worry that I am doing something wrong, or that time is keeping us apart. Little worries which I will have to push aside in order to keep a positive hold on this growing relationship. I want us to work out, and I want to work with him on keeping it strong. I am intent on making this one last, and keeping it as fresh and new as they day we met. He's a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit and I think the world of him. It's just that I miss him when he is gone, and sometimes as communication is harder to use - I feel worried. For once it's not a trust worry, but more of a "do you still like me?".

My thoughts are always out there to defeat me, and do in result I have taken up a success course with J****** and his mother on Monday evenings. This Monday we watched a 45 minute seminar from india on "The addiction to suffering", and how humans are addicted to thoughts of suffering weather it is in projection or defense. We are all obsessed with our thoughts and therefore we are surrounded by suffering. If we are to focus on nothingness, and understand the vast amount of blankness on the paper of our minds we can then write in short words what is truly a communication to the spirit.

On Monday shortly after leaving this seminar, I came out to my brother over a beer. He told me that he's known I was gay for a ouple weeks, ever since his ex girl Amb**** revealed t him that she had run into me and my boyfriend at the movies. So he was not surprised, and was surprisingly happyfor me. This proved to me that opening up to others is not as scary as anticipated especially from those you care about and grew up with. My life is changing and I think that it's becoming obvious how caring change can be when presented at the right time.