Hey there, I've got some really exciting news to share with you (who may or may not be reading this, I really don't know how many hits I receive here). I have been selected by the crew over at KAPGAR to write about my sexual history per se during this month. I am both excited and honored to be a part of this awesome experience as I hope to donate my voice toward celebrating sexuality and raising awareness to those who have survived sexual violence.
Now It has been about 3 days into the month now and I am just now sitting down to write my first post. I sort of hate that missed out on two whole days of this contest. I am hoping to gain a few readers who will perhaps relate to my stories and experiences, and maybe even find a moment to post comment or share their own story back. Once again, when Kevin over at Kapgar.com emailed me to let me know that my blog was approved for the contest - I was jumping up and down.
So I guess this sort of leaves me to tell you little bit about myself. Normally I try my best to remain anonymous on this blog, being that I escape to this place in order to write out all of my little secrets and the true feelings that I have about life, experiences, friends and family. I started this blog last summer after jogging all over the internet to find the perfect host. I decided to write over here at Blogger when I had taken notice to Tori Amos posting her blog "Clyde Speaks" (a blog to support the theme to her album "American Doll Posse").
I have been faithfully following the work of Tori Amos since 1993 when I discovered a "funny looking" red head on my television set. This was probably about an hour before I was set to go of to the prison I would call "St.Leo's Catholic School" Grade 3 with Ms.Donnely. The character on the television set was singing something about cornflakes. . . and being that I was eating a bowel as she sang it, I thought it was kinda funny. My sister on the other hand could not stand the song and claimed that she was a "bad woman" and that I needed to turn the channel before I get in trouble. I went to school that day singing a song about cornflakes, which would stick with me for the years to follow.
In 1993 I must have been about ..... seven years of age or so. My home was always in dysfunction. My father had major anger issues and my mother never really did anything but argue with him when the pot boiled my father's rage in the kitchen for dinner. My childhood was surrounded by "emotional violence". I grew with an every day tyrant that was my father's anger issues. In his youth my father had been through various foster homes, orphanages and centers for young men. His mother had abandoned him at the age of three, only to retrieve him some years later. It was during those "lost" years however that he had been sexually molested by a group of women within foster home.
Although he finds it hard to examine today, I believe that my father still harvests resentment, anger and dislike for the reasoning behind his mother abandoning him for "another marriage". He never seemed to truly unmask that pain, he never really seemed to admit the true emotions behind his rage or perhaps to shine some real light upon the feelings surrounding his early childhood sexual victimization. I do believe that he turned his feelings inward toward lust and denial.
I was about 8 or 9 when I first discovered that my father had an addiction to pornography. I had been rummaging through our basement when I opened a box that had some kind of image of a woman opening her genital area with this incredibly disgusting look on her face . It confused the hell out of me because I did not really know how all of that had worked yet. The most sex education I'd had up until that point was from the night that my father interrupted an episode of Clarrissa Explain's It All to tell me about how . . . "On a very special day, your mother and I went to the doctor's to make a baby." he continued to tell me that "The woman lies on a table and opens her legs and the man lays on top of her. There is doctor in the room to make sure that the baby reaches the woman so that she can have a baby" and that "It feels Sooooooo good". This is of course the way that his explanation remained within my young brain.
Sex is obviously fascinating to children as we all naturally want to know how we got here. Being raised by my mother as a Catholic, I was generally kept in the dark about how sex really worked, what the science of sex was and how a man and woman come together to make a new life cell. It was thanks to my aunt Eileen who took my cousin and I aside one day (with my mothers permission) to straighten out our idea's of sexuality. It is natural for boys to become curious about how sex works. We have an idea about how fun it is to touch ourselves; but we don't really know how it all works when we are around the age of 8-9.
My aunt straightened out the idea that my father had given me, but once again reinstated the idea that sex only happens during a "very special time" during two people. This really made me go back to the idea my father had given me that you have to schedule out a sex appointment!. I did not really understand why you would have to schedule something like sex. Here is my tip to all parents or guardians when teaching your children how sex works - do be careful how you compose your words because it's really not easy piecing sex together from your original ideas - to how it really works.
Today I am 23 years of age and I've experience loss, gain, trust, distrust, abuse, longing for love, friendship, betrayal and coming to terms with myself. In the end I am still quite naive when it comes to sexuality. I have a lot more skin to fill in order to truly embrace my being and walk with my head high above churches, haters and even my own family. I am a gay male who is still questioning himself for the paths he's taken to get where he is today. I am a Domestic Violence advocate at WomenSpace. I am a human, My mother, my friends and my family have survived sexual violence, and I encourage you to come back and read more at Boy Disappearing to show your support for Sexual Assault Awareness month.
I have so many more stories about how I've come into my own sexuality, I can't wait to re explore the past and share with you all the present of my sexual chronicles. I was taught as a Catholic that you are to put clamp on sexuality, this is something that I m still getting through. I look forward to doing some research and to write out all my my thoughts on various sub topics of sexuality. Once again I encourage anybody who's reading this to head on over to The Rape Abuse & Incest Nationl Network (RAINN) to show your support of my blog or make a donation for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Link them to this blog and tell them what you think. Also visit my buddies @Kapgar.com for more info on the 2008 blog contest. Thanks to everyone who has read my blog in the past and welcome to all of those who are just now tuning in. Be well.
-S
