Verbal Vomit

That's it, I'm fed up. I don't even want to try anymore. I am too tired to give an inch of a cock touch toward my customers needs aymore. I hate customer service work and I hate my job. I'm tired of this office right now. I need a vacation like a blood transfusion. I'm dying in here. This place is sucking the me out of me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like an alien has taken over my mind as all I do is worry about customers. All that I've done since the begining of this job is worry, worry, worry. I am always on the chop block, I could lose my job on any given day, I'm stressed out in every sense of the word and I am becoming really angry.

The mere soud of a telephone call from a customer makes my blood boil. I am so sick of STUPID FUCKING students and RUDE faculty and shitty bosses with tempermental co workers. What ever happened to me?, my dreams, my life, my goals. Did I ever have any?. I don't think I do, that or I do not believe in them enough to even try. I don't think that I am worthy of the success that I long for. I think that I am stuck in the mind frame that I am to take what is given to me and to love it like there is no tomorrow. Well I am loving my job like I'd love to be raped. This sucks and I can't get away from it. I'm not asking to leave from it, BUT I need a week off from this god damned office. I cant even catch a breath.

I am trying to quit smoking as well, and thats becoming harder as the days roll on. I'm staying at home with my boyfriend more often which is nice. It helps me stay out of trouble (cigarettes at bars). I just feel like all I do is work. I am working for this relationship, I am working to pay the rent, I am working to keep my job, I am working to be happy, I am working to stay sane ... I am really stressed out and eventually I am going to break. I need reinforcement, some kind of support to homd me up when I stumble. Luckily last night J****** showed me some of that support by lending me an ear to my complaints and fears. This is something that I need every now and again. I can't go at this alone, I am fighting to remain human here and I really need a rest. I'm tired, I am on the go go go go go go go go go.

I'm out of touch with my family, I am always complaining on this blog. I am tired of being out of control. I need to take control and quit accepting un due crap that comes my way. It's like junk mail, why would I keep every piece of junk mail that came to my door?. I toss it as I recieve it, so why am I not doing the same. Or why is it that I have NEVER seen the bigger picture?. I am so focused on the details that I cannot see the big picture in front of me. What the hell does that even look like?. I am becoming more so angry as I am writing this because I am fucking frustrated with myself I think I am a fucking idiot. I'm not doing it right, I am not doing anything right. No I'm doing something right. I am fighting for love, while keeping a job that I hate in order to be responsible and support myself. Thats positive.

I'm bummed out that I missed the Tori Amos show in Oakland last weekend. All of my friends went but I didnt. It's not so much that I am jealous of them, but I feel like I needed something fun to do. Something to make me happy and break away from all the responsibility and anger. All of the fear, all of the anxiety I wish it away. I need to feel free again and this job is really holding me down. I also have a horrible fear of losing my boyfriend. Either to another man or to him just calling it quits. I suppose that comes from my notion that we have to work to make things last. And I am working hard on him. I'm just tired and I need for him to take the wheel for a minute so that I can breathe.

I'm betting on the idea that everything is going to be okay. But I also need for somebody to let me know that I am correct in thinking that way. I'm not a service man to the world, rather the world should be my greatest resource for joy, information and gain. I should not have to give myself away to every customer, my boss, my co workers .... I dont owe them a thing. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired.