Death is your gift.

I feel completely dead inside. I got a write up at work today for having a bad day yesterday. My boyfriend and I are on break up road. I want to work it through but somehow I dont have the energy to fight prideful accusations. My friends are sick, a girl I know just had to witness an excorsicm. I'm using Tarot cards and I'm pretty sure that my life is in chaos at this point. I think that it is important to take the wheel again ... and this time I dont know what direction to go in. I'm tempted to move out of this god forsaken town again. Leave this apartment which holds sad memories and go to some place new. Maybe I'll change my name and start a new life. Maybe I'll be a hooker on Santa Monica BLVD. Maybe I'll just die tonight and wake up in a dream tomorrow where everything is as I wanted it to be. All relationships work out, no sicknesses are to result. No emotions are blown out of porportion. All jobs mean nothing and the only thing that matters is love. So where is love ?. I feel so judged and punished from the one I care most, I feel so lost in the battle now that I can't pick my body up from on the ground. I do feel completely alone again ... and alone is the last place I wanted to be. Somewhere out there I don't believe that God intended for me to find a mate. So many humans example a style of living, sex before love, love conditioned by sex. Is there anybody else out there who will see me for me and respect my values?, who will let me love them and not call me a freak. Oh you sick circumsised world, cut off from all true ties. Oh you sad grave dissapointment, a life so full of lies. Nothing is perfect; this I do know, but tell me why do I feel so all alone. I scream to the sky "God wontyou throw me a bone". I've been chastized and let down, I've accepted to seek through. But somehow, sometime .... I have to let this die. I'm dying inside and it's like suffocation .... I'd like to trust again but this story just re affirms to me that nothing ever works out. It will always die ... always.