Forgive us our tresspassors.

The act of forgivness demands us to no longer act out upon pain and suffering. This is not an easy task when one is dancing in the ring of fire. Pain in itself is both horrible yet addicting. For when we see ourselves as the victim to another's actions, we in turn become the enemy. A man cannot stand rightious in his victimhood for that state of mind will only allow him to stand apart from his fellow beings. In truth we are called to unite with one another and work through that pain and suffering. If only we could understand this formula, if only it made sense; if only our emotions did not control us to travel great lengths in order to hurt one another.

A few weeks ago I emailed Jael and Ellen [if you need reference, you can see my summer post "Dear Ellen"]. I told them how I was sorry for the actions and words which I activley used in order to separate myself from the two of them. Clearly I was intimidated, but one can not deny their source of pain and worry. And when that is not recognized by the other party; one may be driven to scream it out loud from the cliffside and to the shore. That's what I did, that's what drove us three apart and brought those two closer together.

Now that I am in my own relationship, I can truly see what it is to care about somebody more than yourself. And in that I can see that attraction and commitment mean the world to any man or woman who longs for a meaningful connection. At the end of the day - humans long for the essence of connection, the core to the meaning and the fruit of it's bearings. We find it in so many ways. Weather we find this connection through spirit, drugs or the body; man kind will always be on the search to connect to the source.

So who was I to really judge my two friends for finding that connection in each other?. This was the question that brought me to contacting them after a year of silence. I wrote them two seperate emails and told them both that I was sorry for the feelings of jealousy and betrayal which drove me to take the actions that I did in an attempt to destroy their relationship together. In the end my efforts only brought them closer together, which is a lesson in itself of physics. In the end, I feel peace within knowing that I have forgiven them. I feel as though I have grown to a degree, I feel the love I once had for them again.

Yesterday I spoke with Ellen on the telephone. Unfortunatley she wanted to bring up the uglies again and talk about the "he said / she said" business again. In my intellect, I knew it was not an area that I needed to touch on, but for her she needed closure on a few disputed/different stories that she'd been holding on to for the year. I could have argured with her again, for there were about two accusations against me which I can honestly say are fully untrue. I allowed for her to voice herself, and I did not argue back. There are some things which we can internally sacrifice when we know we are in the right. Others can think horrible of us, but if we are honest to our own actions- we hold the sacred flame of peace in our hearts.