Numb, Cold and Lonely

Just when you think it's al going well, your actions cause a tidle wave of betrayal and hurt. Where do we draw the line though?. Last night I confessed to my boyfriend that I'd had a few smokes as of late and he quickly got off of the phone with me. Moments later I am swarmed with messages of his being angry at me, upset and let down ... and then he told me not to be surprised when he cheats on me. . .

These words are stting on my chest as I try to justify his anger and let go of my own pain, and yet I can't do it. A smoke versus infidelity- you choose the draw here for I cannot see the connection. I understand that I made a promise to him not to smoke anymore and I've done damn well of it. Somehow I figured that one or two smokes was not "the breakdown", that if he were to ask me how I was doing with it, I'd tell him the truth but not flaunt around saying "Oh I smoked a cigarette with my guinness tonight !!". I'm trying so hard to work on his end with this one but I can't go there at the moment, I can't make myself out as the bad guy again when all I have ever done is try for this boy. I've even given up worrying; until now.

Last night as I walked all over downtown to clear my thoughts I began to talk out loud to myself. I'm scared to ask him to talk to me for I feel as though he's going to tell me "it's over". And although I am trying to project good energy upon it, I feel a sunken ship within like he's going to let me down. God help me, God help me, God help me ...

Last night I did not sleep at all. I layed there with tears in my heart but nothing on my face. Fears of being alone again raped my will to be optimistic. I prayed out to a God I once knew and asked for a guide ... somebody to love me. For if I can't love myself and my attemtps to show love for another have faild me yet again - then where is my love?. I am convincing myself that I'm not worthy of it because it's never here long enough to hold me in its warmth. I an't breathe, my lungs are hollow and my chest is heavy again. And somehow I am preparing my heart for the worst because I don't know if I'll win. . . I'm too tired to fight today.

The hardest part is that I do not want to move on. I don't want this to end, I want it to work out. Without details I'll be honest that I feel a bit hurt by him that he won't see me for me in this situation and I am now begining to feel taken for grantid. Because I've done all in my power, I've given my finances and I've shared more of myself with this guy than anybody ever allowed me to before. And yet last night ... last night I felt so much spite coming from him. A threat and a scauld - I'm not a child here and emotions should not be punished. Nobody is right or wrong in an argument it is only moral or immoral. Yes ... smoking is not healthy, perhaps I didn't think it was that big of a deal to have one. But now he's questioning my authenticity ... and this is one that I'll just have to deal with. God this fucking hurts .... it hurts because it's numb, cold and lonely in here.