Nothing

Okay .... so I feel a bit probed and somewhat more seinsitive than I wanted to be today. "Everythings going to be alright" I keep telling myself, I need to put these thoughts to rest. I need to not let distrust hurt me. I need not to pretend that anything is wrong, or that I'm about to be fired. I need not to focus on the negative but the temptation is here telling me to panic. So I'll try my best not to run from the fire as perhaps today it's best to burn, maybe it'll embrace me and show me that everything's okay.

Give me life

give me pain

give me my-self again

God it's hard to sway these thoughts, denial is probably the best when it comes to this. Denial enables me to remember that nothing is wrong when everything becomes confusing. I'm so afraid of it going wrong but today I will not let that happen. It takes work and sometimes it feels "fake" but I am determined to make this work, I am determined to prove to myself that my thoughts are my reality. And though I may be denying the fear, I am also doing a justice to my heart by telling myself that nothing at all is wrong. Nothing at all. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothingness is my friend in the hour of doubt. So it's time to focus again upon the positive ! and not to worry that time will create the enemy.

Let It Go

This morning he recieved a text message from a boy that I do not like. A "frenemy" as they say. He showed and ounce of desire by his care and therefore I found myself a bit worried. This boy stole an ex from me in front of my face one year ago, and somehow he is back in my life. I cannot judge for they met on the same day before we did; only I met my boyfriend hours later. Last week J****** was telling me about how this boy Cr** wanted to meet up with him to mess around, this pretty much threw up a red flag to me. And while I wanted to find Cr** and kick his ass for even thinking of doing this again I also realized that he does not know I exsist in the middle of his desire.

The two issues here is ... well no there are three. The first is that Cr** has no boundaries, the second is that he is HIV positive and the third is that I question my boyfriend's desires. Does J****** value me over everyone else, or would a tryst with Cr** mean "sex" and sex only to him?. The major issue there would be for our health, if J****** has sex or even messes around with him, he is putting our relationship on the line and our health on the grill. I don't trust Cr** at all. And though I respect hi as a human being, I do not believe that he is a genuine and respectful person.

Sometimes I feel out of the loop as being white, as they are both bi racial. Somehow being white makes me feel like the underdog, and the "enemy". Sometimes I feel like I cannot compare to that connection. The truth is that I trust my boyfriend, I trust him because I have to. I trust him because if I do not, then I am opening the door for my worst fears to unfold before me. So I trust him because of his word. He tells me that he does not like Cr** in that way. But the simple fact that Cr** likes J****** makes me feel really intimidated. When all of this goes through my mind, I can go two ways with it. I can choose to take it as a battle, and keep an eye on my boyfriend; thus choosing to display distrust, or I can do nothing and show my boyfriend that i do indeed trust and respect him. For it is my ownpast with this Cr** dude that makes me feel anxious over there freindship.

The people that we choose to "hang" with show something about our desires inside. What I learned from hanging with Cr**, Aaron, Kolt and the gang, showed me a side to their group which displayed immaturity and lack of self control. Thankfully I resigned my position there before I allowed it to ruin my life. I'm not saying that I wish my boyfriend would do the same, but I feel as though I have a sense of knowledge when it comes to this boy. I feel as though I've chosen to depart from that group of people and I am somewhat upset that this one character has come back into my life, and between my boyfriend (once again).

In the end, I've been trying my best not to lay in my head over matters that are not in exsistence. It is not fair to anybody here to assume anything. So I am requiring myself to accept the current situation as long as it does not present itself as a problem. I am also trying hard not to feel any "needs" when it comes to being affirmed by my boyfriend. All that matters is that he and I enjoy each other's intimacy, company and respect enough to continue on with each other. I will not fear anything that has not come to my doorstep. But if there is ever a moment when it becomes clear to me that something is going wrong I will have no choice but to take action. So I will continue to try and keep the peace here. For I respect my boyfriend andI believe that he respects me too. And before I end this - I will let that one voice speak a few words.

"Please do not do anything to taint this trust. For if you do, then I will find myself broken again. 'Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it'. All that I can too is show you my love and I pray that you do not show me any reason not to love again".

Warrior

"A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes; someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves." -

DailyOM.com

Last night I had to confront an ugly situation head on with a friend of mine who is very jealous of my boyfriend. As I was busy with a work event and away from my cell phone, this friend of mine took my cell phone and read a text message from my boyfriend who was at my house while we were out. He was simply asking that I stop by his house to grab him a set of clothes for work today. As she read this, she took it into her power to respond with "Sure ... I'm so glad that I'm your bitch.".

By the time I got back to our table to see that she was playing with my phone, I immediatley looked into my "sent messages" folder and noticed that message which was sent to J*******. Words could not describe the anger that was going through my blood as I called him to apologize and respond to any pain or confusion that may have sent to him. What the hell was her problem?, why would she fuck with me and my boyfreind like that?. When he answered, I could tell that he was upset and confused. I told him that I loved him and that I was very upset with what had just happened. He understood, and I followed through with my word to grab his clothes on my way home.

By the time that she'd realized I was gone, I was half finished with my conversation with J****** when I got an interruptng call from A**sha who was apologizing and claiming to be so concerned. As I confronted her on the matter she tried to justify herself with "Well you and I dont talk much anymore" and I told her "Not an excuse, you have no rights to send ANY messages to ANYbody in my contact lists" and shes looking a me as though she gives a shit, when I know that she does not. Later the same conversation happened and as she tried to once again say "I didnt know he was so sensitive", I said "I don't give a shit, you don't know him and you were rude to him, in my name." I then threatened her to say "I would never text your boyfriend and say 'Hey Derek, I know what your girlfriend's been up to with another guy named Anthony". At that point she grew increadibly quiet and seemed to be terrified.

I told her that I would not do such a thing, but that her actions that evening were just as bad. Her intentions were to be rude to my boyfriend and make him think that I was being an asshole. I'm baffled and do not understand the reasoning in her mind as to what the HELL gave her the temporary right to take business into her own hands. This woman is 28 years of age and sometimes I feel as though I am more mature and respectful than she will ever be in all of her years. I mean this is bullshit ... do NOT fuck with my boyfriend or you will be cut out and called out.

This is why I have that quote above. Last night I felt the warrior take responsibility from within. I fought for my boyfriends heart as well as our relationship. I took a stand against a "friend" and asserted my position as a man to her. This was not scary nor was it intimidating. This was a matter of business, this was a matter of defense and honesty. I'm fighting to keep this relationship, I'm fighting for him, I'm fighting for me. I'm fighting for a confusion free environment. And I don't think that I need to involve myself with those who are immature enough to willfully take my identity for a moment and hurt my boyfreind. Not cool .... not cool at all.

Hideaway . . .

The Corrs

China

Lyrics and words by Tori Amos (1992)

China all the way to new york
I can feel the distance getting close
Youre right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks dont seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say well take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want to me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China all the way to new york
Maybe you got lost in mexico
Youre right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you

I can feel the distance getting close

I need you to be strong.

Lest not the romance die.
lets not be for you and I.
Insecure, as hard as it may.
Today I love you, today I say.
Don't give up on us.
For hope is not forgotten even in black sky.
A new day will always come tomorrow.
Please don't you let hope die.
My heart is full of wonder
A need to let you in
A circle in the center
A absolution to sin.
For you have brought me happiness.
And I hope for you the same.
This hope which rests on my heart
Suddenly as wel walk I feel it's right back to the start.
Please don't say we've got full circle
for life's too large for that.
I'm not giving up
I need you to be strong
for you and I. Most especially I.
My darling, I need you to be strong.
My darling, I need you to hold on.
Look to the sky above,
understand that you are the holder
to this precious love.

Nude

Everytime we go through this. I go through hell. And with your simple mention of doubt I am killing myself over what I've done wrong. The truth is that I long to love you, long to care. I need you to open up to the fact that I'm only human, and time is something that we just have to deal with. What matters most is that I love you. So please don't break up with me because you're scared. Please dont leave me stranded in a pool of blood from a shattered vile. Slipped fom the hands of those who became over confident. Ever so delicate my heart aches for acceptance, love and respect. I see you, but can you see me ?. Can you see my heart in pure form?. Haven't you heard me cry at night, don't you see these eyes. They look into you, they want to see your soul. These eyes are not crying, these eyes are wide awake. But every moment that you hold doubt ... these eyes turn away. I'm terrified of the answer, nobody wants to be broken. So why would you do that to me ... after all that I've tried to prove to you. Is it not enough that I hold love and care? is it not enough that I miss you to the point that my heart aches when you are gone?. And yet you say that you were not ready for this .... the walls of my heart which I let you break down ... exposed and nude, don't turn away now without leaving me a robe. Please dont do more damage to this vulnerable heart. I long to keep it pure but if pain comes my way - I'll have to take the pure new heart and put it away. For sake of hardening the heart .... for sake of pride. But most of all - to keep any tear from even rolling from my eyes.