Losing Friends and Gaining Enemies.

Dear Ellen,

I miss you. But I dont like you much. You've pissed me off beyond all else. And I know why. It's because Iwent against you and you decided to act like a 17 year old again [which you are]. And though the memories are beside us .... I still think about you like you were my friend sometimes. And when I think of all the bullshit that went down between us and the lies that tore us apart ... I think to myself "I would not have done that that same had I known where it would bring us today". But then I think about the strength that our breakup gave me. I think about how you taught me how to hate, and how to feel rage crawl from my fingertips toward the wall where it ended in a wall; smashed with conclusion.

And then I think about how I purposly dropped bombs upon us. How I killed us. How I knew I had to when I saw your new French army coming onto my beach. You cannot settle here. You cannot know me. And yet I want to know you. I miss you as my friend ... I miss making you laugh and talking shit about the world between us. I miss you -- but as long as he's around I cannot trust you. For I know your'e turned on by this fued. And I know you're nature is to draw us apart. I don't know if I have forgiven him yet, but I think he's better in my book than you are. Somehow I think to myself -- who is the true enemy in all of this ? me, you, him or all of us?.

Questioning the past I look into my actions and I'll admit that they weren't pretty. I'll admit that my words were meant to spite you two and that I didnt ever intend for your love to continue past my diesire to ruin it. But when my secrets fell from your mouth to his ear ... I knew that it was time for you to die. And so I decided to ruin you, I decided to kill you in my mind and in my heart. I could not let you linger within me - so I killed you un my heart. I will have you know that I never said a single thing to him about your past, I'll have you know that your secrets remained in tact until 3rd parties leaked what information they knew through over hearing telephone conversations between us. I'll have you know he's a liar, I'll have you know he's slandered me the same way I'll do to you until you can understand me again. I'll have you know what I am still angry with you for all of this and that it unsettles me to know that you're still in my mind. For I have lost a great friend in you and gained an even stronger enemy.

Until you happen to stumble upon this post; sincerely,

__________ _________

Judgement Day

I'd like to know my theme if I had one. One mantra to get me through my twenties. One song to get me through the day. A day alone. One day to become. I'd like to place a kiss upon faith and embrace myself. I'd rather sing than speak. I think it's funny how we punish ourselves for being human. I find it kinda sick that we hate ourselves for being different and yet we starve just to fit in. And yet here we are writing again. And yet who was I to judge you for being fat, when all I did was stuff my face full of chocolate and pie.

Em-homo Revolution.

They who are them. And all that goes with it.

The bottle in the pocket and the rage that hits to miss it.

Kisses mean something when all else is lost.

Boys with sexy haircuts ; kissing for a co$$t.

Kissing babies, tickle my boy. Fickle as it may be you're just a prodding toy.

The King Of The Frown

It's all done. The food. The intake. The Fat. It's still here and it's still growing. The control is gone. The friends are gone. The alchohol doesnt fuck me anymore. The air isnt so clear. The cats dont make me sneeze. The boys still make me jealous. The emptiness still stenches in my chest cave. The fat oozes out from my hips like butter on garlic bread. Your breath still makes me sick. My insecurity kills the moment. Sitting at tables alone. Looking at the children play ; while I secretly hate them for their loudness. But what such freedom has become of me to sit alone and linger; to think but not to act. To sing but not to feel. To feel this numbed pain but not to rid it of my mind. Give not unto your darling pains and freedom but find yourself a new seed to grow. And fly out on rugs tomorrow for this -- is all we know. The food, the pain. The food and gain. Weight. Sadness. Insecure yet proud. Fat but happy. Happy yet alone. Bring me down, bring me down, bring me down. down. down. down. down. Shall we welcome to town -- the king of frown.

Old Memories Make For Present Day Longing.

A year on and for some reason I am thinking of you.
The nights of holding you in my arms.
Soft kisses upon my lips in the morning.
Empty emotions in the weeks to come.
Memories beside us.
You should be scrtatched from my reality.
But you were the closest person I met to finding an "other".
And yet here I am a year on, writing you this silly - stupid woe poem.
I would have invested in you.
If only I could get the best of you.

Hell now why do I write this
Hell can't see why my life is.
So empty without you.
Empty without you.
So lonesome without you.
So pretty without you.
So loveley without you.
So strong without you.
So free without you.

The sure and honest truth in all this.
is that I'm a simple boy that longs for his kiss.
I dont care who he is.
or where he lives.
I am alone
and I need to feel
like somebody to love.
Just so that I can heal.

Noted : Back From California

After a 5 day break in California I am feeling a bit more content than I did last week. I am however; feeling an odd need for the idea that I'd like to see that Aaron guy again. I am trying to discern if it's a real desire or rather if it is a sentimental hole which should be filled by alchohol and anger toward him. Beyond Aaron I am feeling somewhat angry at a few old friends again. I don't know why - well for the blonde I can understand but for the black I am feeling a bit of an odd displacement.

Drunken Masturbation

Drunken masturbation is fun !.

Even if you're in the same room as someone.

Embrace it, don't taste it.

Sniff it to live it.

Drink it to love it.

Love it to do it.