This is The Right Time !

It's been a few days since I've written over here. I'm been working more at work than ... normal. I'm moving into my apartment today / tomorrow. Unfortunatley due to our schedules J****** and I have not seen each other all week, except for yesterday. So I'm trying my best not to be sad about it, I'm just trying to live it one day at a time. Last night I showed him the apartment and wen I got home from my new home, I had this odd dream which .. I think represented liberation. In the dream I was walking around an apartment naked and saying "so what it's my place", eventually in the dream I was making love to my boyfriend. It was an intriguing dream, but also created a sense of anxiety within me; as I am coming to terms with the fact that I am about to be accountable for everything that I do in my home. Sometimes I fear that I will feel alone, but I know that I will be okay.

J****** has been somewhat quiet lately, I dont recieve as many text messages as before, we haven't talked on the phone much. Sometimes I worry that I am doing something wrong, or that time is keeping us apart. Little worries which I will have to push aside in order to keep a positive hold on this growing relationship. I want us to work out, and I want to work with him on keeping it strong. I am intent on making this one last, and keeping it as fresh and new as they day we met. He's a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit and I think the world of him. It's just that I miss him when he is gone, and sometimes as communication is harder to use - I feel worried. For once it's not a trust worry, but more of a "do you still like me?".

My thoughts are always out there to defeat me, and do in result I have taken up a success course with J****** and his mother on Monday evenings. This Monday we watched a 45 minute seminar from india on "The addiction to suffering", and how humans are addicted to thoughts of suffering weather it is in projection or defense. We are all obsessed with our thoughts and therefore we are surrounded by suffering. If we are to focus on nothingness, and understand the vast amount of blankness on the paper of our minds we can then write in short words what is truly a communication to the spirit.

On Monday shortly after leaving this seminar, I came out to my brother over a beer. He told me that he's known I was gay for a ouple weeks, ever since his ex girl Amb**** revealed t him that she had run into me and my boyfriend at the movies. So he was not surprised, and was surprisingly happyfor me. This proved to me that opening up to others is not as scary as anticipated especially from those you care about and grew up with. My life is changing and I think that it's becoming obvious how caring change can be when presented at the right time.

Thank You

What a beautiful morning it is my love and how I wish that I chould share it with none other than you. The touch of your lips, the grip of your hands, your beautiful body and your irresistable smile; all which allow me to know that trust and excitement can exsist. I once thought I'd never do this again, I was convinced of a failed outlook for love. But you have shown me that hard work does pay off and persistence is not a game. So I thank you for each blessed moment, and I long to see you more. For every moment away from you is like three years times four. The fire in you brings out the beauty in me, will you take my hand and walk to stream?. Oh my beautiful boy ... I cannot thank you enough for the affection, the kisses, the hugs and most of all the support that you give to me. In a phrase, thank you.

Embarrasment in the aspect of S***. A conclusion to self.

So I want to re evaluate the emotions that I was going through yesterday. I was feeling quite alone and confused. I had a pretty bad hangover and I was not feeling too fair. After work, I met up with J****** and we discussed the situation. It turns out that we were both feeling the same way within the company of others. Apparently we both felt like a third party member to the two sides of the coin. I to K*** anf J***** and he to K*** and I. So the lesson that I learned through this is that I needed to be more emotionally attentive to my boyfriend and not just to myself. The only confusion that I felt from that time was from not knowing that J****** felt the same way. So I feel somewhat guilty for feeling so insecure, and I also learned that I need to not allow my emotions to control me. I've always allowed them to take over. I'm not one to look at the big picture, I am very caught up on the color schemes and pixels.

Now is the time in my life when I need to gain a bit more self control. And gaining that, means controlling myself from going to far in the head when I think something is going on (in there). I will have to try my best not to control the world and do a better job of becoming like water, flowing through the world from end to end, and experience the beautiful cleanse of worry and fear. I apologised to J****** for letting my own fears of the past dictate the present. I need to let go of those fears and trust in the beautiful being that he is. And though it will be a challenge not to see the scorn of Aaron; which scared and hurt me, I will have to just trust J****** and care for us as a piece.

One of my favorite interviews with Andrea Corr (though I cannot find it anywhere online), is one where she describes a relationship as "Remembering The Stranger", a philosphy which requires one to remember that once upon a time, two beings held a whole life before they met one another, and to hold on to the preciousness of affection. I do not own my boyfreind and he does not own me. All that we have is today, all that we are is us. I have nothing more than respect and attraction to this boys heart. I want to protect his heart and learn to heal my own. Sometimes I feel scared of -- scaring him. I dont want to be intense, intensity is a turn off. So I am indeed intimidated by the posts and feelings that I felt and wrote yesterday.

Today I am kicking ass at work, making sales and I found out that I can move into my apartment on Tuesday. It's a pretty good turn around from the darkness that I surrounded myself with yesterday. Sometimes I feel as though I surround myself in my own inner darkness, when all that I want is for peace and love [ew, that was aweful hippie of me]. In the end, all that I need is a bit more control over my emotions, and to learn how to trust others, especially when I know that they care about me. I do feel some embarrassment with this aspect of S***.

An Aching Heart.

Today is one of the darkest days I've had in months. I'm feeling horribly sick, alone and disappointed. I haven't talked to J****** yet about what happened last night and how horrible it made me feel. And yet I want to turn to him and hug him and let my tears dry on his shoulder. I feel lost and scared, angry and confused. And though these words are pouring from me, somehow I feel like something is terribly wrong. Perhaps it is the hour and a half sleep I got last night, waking with a hang over. Maybe it's the dizziness in my head and the fog of pain looming over me. Maybe I don't feel so happy. Because for the first time in 3 months I am deathly depressed and I don't know who to turn to.

I can't look inward for my head is spinning and my body aches, my heart is bleeding and my souls confused. All that I ever wanted was an equal attraction, an equal mate, an equal partner. I'm so fucking insecure, I'm trying my hardest to hold on, but my grip is losing. God I want you in my life J******, I want you to ease my pain, but when pain comes from the flirtation that I witnessed ... I feel as though I have been cheated. I try so hard to support you, I want to give my all to you. And yet what I experienced last night, tears on my heart and tells me to hide again. I dont want to hide, you've shown me the path of care again. To care more about somebody than your own self . . . and yet to feel insecure of your actions, your efforts. Does it all go in vain?.

Something inside of me says "love will never last", so I'm always wearing a medi-pack to heal my wounds. The truth is that flirting should not be a threat, and I am being so god damn selfish to feel this way when I see you flirt with my friend. I don't want to lose you to anybody else. God damn it, that's happened to me too many times. Somehow I feel as though you want him, a lust that I cannot compete. These letters and words may describe these emotions but they do not heal them. Maybe sleep will heal this exhaustion. All I want is you.

So what do I do now, when trust is in question?. I do not want you to think that I do not trust you, for I've opened that door to you. But trust is a tricky game and it opens the door to 24 hours of questions and pain. Will I ever find the courage inside and the security to know that there is no other man for you but me?. For I have not looked into another man's eyes with hope since the moment we first kissed. My body is burning and I am torn over such a little hour in our lives. I fear to tell you this for I do not want to fight. I'm crawling on my knees to vomit up this confusion, but dry heaves and chills just keep me from defusion. I just want you to be mine, I just want today to turn fine. God won't you take this pain away. The pulse of my heart is squeezing, I'm suffocating in silence. Maybe my exhaustion has turned to self induced inner-violence. Just one kiss .... just one kiss... you are the one, the only one that I miss. Won't you please just hold me until these tears are gone?.

Lost Again

Called the property managers. My apartment is not ready yet, and I cannot move in until next weekend. Sometimes I wonder how long ... how long it takes to become me. Why there are so many limitations, what's going on right now?. I don't feel secure with anything right now. After last night I'm questioning so much, after today I'm wondering if I will ever have a space to think alone. All I want to do is find a small space and let a few tears out because I feel lost again.

Heart Like a Wheel

HEART LIKE A WHEEL :

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

They say that death is a tragedy
It comes once and then it's over
But my one only wish is for that deep dark abyss
For what's the use of living with no true lover

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand please
God hold my hand
Is why it should have happened to me

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out on mid-ocean
And it's only love and it's only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love

My Heart At The Botton Of The Ocean

I can't believe it as I wake from a sleepless night.
The image of your eyes upon him, sure gave me a fright.
Oh what magic was in the air that halloween night.
Give me peace and tell me you care.
Give me love and promise me, you won't go anywhere.
Give me loyalty so that I can fully dive into this journey of love.


Last night I went to dinner with J****** and met up with my friend K*** at my job. Immediatley I somehow took notice to J****** changing tones quickly as K*** came in looking like a member of my chemical romance. I'm not blind, I can see when a man is intrigued by another. And while I tried not to let it get under my skin; the little things proved me right. There were times last night that I felt as though I was being pushed off by my own boyfriend so that he and K*** could joke around and play. And while I was probably too drunk, oh hell we were all pretty trashed by 1 a.m.; I felt somewhat upset and alone with the other two.

There we have a friend of mine and my boyfriend and ... my boyfriend is just going on and on about K***. By the end of the night as I walked him home it felt as though he was more concerned about how K*** got home, than of which how we were barely getting him home. I saw the way J****** would look at K*** everytime he'd say something new. And if I tried to kiss J*******, he'd hold back. This is major iffy behaviour, and I cannot help but feel somewhat at odds about it this morning. All that I want to do is care for J****** and share each other.

I can remember when I first met him, and he'd look at me that way. And though I know he still likes me, it also scares the fucking shit out of me to see him go gitty around another guy. And while he's always openly checking other guys out and in result making me feel insecure, I accept him for him, as long as he is loyal to my offering. I'm just -- confused about how he reacted to K*** last night, and I feel somewhat hurt. And I know that's probably coming from a very selfish place in me, for I should not require any boyfriend to only look at me and not admire the beauty of others. It's just that I am very unsure of man's capacity to committ to each other. Men cheat, men lust and men scare the crap out of me. I can honestly say, that from the day I met J******, I've not even taken a second look or tried to offer myself to any other man. And there have been offers. But I believe so strongly in holding a coupling as sacred, and nothing to tinker with.

So please be honest
if there is another boy than me
let my heart sink into a bottomless sea.
for that is where
my heart will be.