A Crappy Top Ten for 2007 ......

As the year comes to a conclusion I feel compelled to write something to honor the lessons that I've learned in 2007. Some highlights may include the following :



#10 - Don't smoke from pipes of strange people that you do not know, especially when it's in a dark alley on the side of a gay bar.



#9 - Don't drink too many $1.00 well drinks, and follow them up with half a pack of American Sprits (yuck)



#8 - Don't spend $50.00 on a "hair trim"; and more than that, don't believe a "hair trim" means change.



#7- Always remember to hold yourself accountable for crimes committed against your friends and family. Do not deny your own evil, but also do not allow others to walk over you.



#6 - Do not trust your co- workers for they will step all over you and put smiles on to cover up the dirt they brought into your life. Your job is not your life ! - don't stress the bullshit.



#5- Confronting your ex is not a bad thing especially when you claim yourself again from the pain they caused to you in the year previous. Your voice is precious and your heart becomes truly untouchable once you have poured holy salt across the door step to keep the invaders from crawling back in.



#4- Making amends really counts. Giving up the pride and allowing others back in teaches us all a lesson of humility. Forgiveness is essential; but forgetting is not an option. Once you have given an act of forgiveness, it is essential to keep that unharmed by not holding any grudges. It's a selfless act but somebody has to do it.



#3- When we open our hearts to love, it will find us. Searching will open this door but it does not always find your lover. We fall may times before we succeed; however it is important to get up again when we fall.



#2- Being brave when it comes to finding a mate. Learning how to talk to "hot strangers" landed me a hot boyfriend. Sure you're kind of putting your ass on the line, but if a great conversation comes out of it then you've already completed step one.



#1 - Remember all such lessons and never forget them. Carry them with you into the new year and condition them so that they grow stronger. Take not your fears of the past into the present, and allow for people to prove themselves to you; rather than proving yourself to the world. Voice your needs, defend your self and aim toward success in all goals and endeavours.

HIV Pt.2

It was all just a dream ..... Right ?

This morning I had a dream. In this dream myself and my boyfriend were in Po****** and some how Cree showed up. For those of you who do not remember, this boy named Cree once treated me with one of the greatest disrespects ever. He was "the other man" and he took pride in it. I remember saying hello to his young man, the first time that I'd ever met him and he told me "Dont talk to me, you're white". Being drunk at the time I stupidly laughed it off, but thought to myself "wait a second you racist little twirp ...". It was shortly followed by an entire evening of him putting me down racially and interrupting me mid scentence. This boy - is 23 years of age, the same as myself. Treating me like an ignorant 2 year old who missed his baba.

Cree and J****** met last summer on the same day that I met J******* in August. A friendship was made between the two of them. I've tried my best not to let anything get to me - but some how I feel like Cree is going after my boyfriend. J****** once even told me that Cree wanted to fool around with him recently. I tried my best to take the news as an act of trust asking my boyfriend "well you told him that you were with somebody right?", and though he said that he did, I questioned weather or not he wanted to or not. So in my dream this morning, Cree was standing with no clothes on butunderwear and J******* and I walked into his house, Cree then began this child like baby laugh with flapping eyelids and grabbed my boyfriend from my arms, he then kissed J****** right before me as I began to panic, Cree began to laugh. J****** seemed confused but also intrigued by the kiss and leaned in for another one. At this point of my dream I tried to grab my boyfriend back but cree turned to me saying "leave, you have no place here". And that is when in my dream I began to cry and feel rage. I then took J****** back and kissed him, he seemed to know that he was with me, so he kissed me back. But then Cree came back at him ..... this is when Iwoke up with tears in my eyes.

I've tried my best not to let their friendship intimidate me, but I don't trust Cree at all. Am I out of line?, am I being jealous?, or should I feel like I have a value over this boy, this creature that once took another boyfriend away from me. This boy who showed no hesitation to treat me like shit based on the color of my skin, this boy who told me to shut up mid scentence .... this boy. I hold a love for my boyfriend, and I will not control his friendships, I will trust him to do the right thing - but I do not trust his friend Cree.

It Must Be Botox

So in 2005 Tori Amos came out with this CD called The Beekeeper, there was something noticably different about her face, I just could not locate it. Something ... different. In 2007 Tori Amos came out with a new record called American Doll Possee, something very different had happened to her face - this time I realized that it must be botox. You decide ....


(Tori Amos in 2002, Scarlets Walk promo appearance in the UK)


(Tori Amos Blender.com interview 2007. Mind the wig, her face looks odd !)

Don't get me wrong I love this woman and her message, her music and her personality but I've grown fearful that she has taken an appreciation to botox.

I Quit.

So here's a little story about a boy who entered into a new job. He struggled and fought but found that it was not worth it. The company that gave him a health plan also took away so much of his natural happiness and free spirit. He didnt want to quit because then he'd lose him home, his freedom and his sense of presence. But when he met his ne boss, he looked him in the eye; somehow he knew this was not going to be a healthy realtionship. The new boss spoke the national language of corporate power; though he claimed to be an anarchist. The beast that he had to co work with called him names and tried to get him fired. He had no clue that a single office in bum fuck America could be so cruel. He had a choice - excel and rise in a job that he didnt give a shit about to begin with. Or fall and crumble bringing everyone down with him. Somewhere inside of him he felt his darkness arrive; that special place in all of us that we hide every day. We dont want to see it not listen to it but it's there. And it shows itself when we've been kicked down for so long. That anger longs to rise from the depths of the sea, and when it recieves one breath of air - that is all that it takes to give it a voice, show it some flesh and allow it to walk into the world you once treated as equal. But now you have to rise above it and sometimes it's required that you kick some ass along the way. To become emotionless is the only way to rise. This is my Jessica, my evil willow ... this is me saying ..... I QUIT.

Forgive us our tresspassors.

The act of forgivness demands us to no longer act out upon pain and suffering. This is not an easy task when one is dancing in the ring of fire. Pain in itself is both horrible yet addicting. For when we see ourselves as the victim to another's actions, we in turn become the enemy. A man cannot stand rightious in his victimhood for that state of mind will only allow him to stand apart from his fellow beings. In truth we are called to unite with one another and work through that pain and suffering. If only we could understand this formula, if only it made sense; if only our emotions did not control us to travel great lengths in order to hurt one another.

A few weeks ago I emailed Jael and Ellen [if you need reference, you can see my summer post "Dear Ellen"]. I told them how I was sorry for the actions and words which I activley used in order to separate myself from the two of them. Clearly I was intimidated, but one can not deny their source of pain and worry. And when that is not recognized by the other party; one may be driven to scream it out loud from the cliffside and to the shore. That's what I did, that's what drove us three apart and brought those two closer together.

Now that I am in my own relationship, I can truly see what it is to care about somebody more than yourself. And in that I can see that attraction and commitment mean the world to any man or woman who longs for a meaningful connection. At the end of the day - humans long for the essence of connection, the core to the meaning and the fruit of it's bearings. We find it in so many ways. Weather we find this connection through spirit, drugs or the body; man kind will always be on the search to connect to the source.

So who was I to really judge my two friends for finding that connection in each other?. This was the question that brought me to contacting them after a year of silence. I wrote them two seperate emails and told them both that I was sorry for the feelings of jealousy and betrayal which drove me to take the actions that I did in an attempt to destroy their relationship together. In the end my efforts only brought them closer together, which is a lesson in itself of physics. In the end, I feel peace within knowing that I have forgiven them. I feel as though I have grown to a degree, I feel the love I once had for them again.

Yesterday I spoke with Ellen on the telephone. Unfortunatley she wanted to bring up the uglies again and talk about the "he said / she said" business again. In my intellect, I knew it was not an area that I needed to touch on, but for her she needed closure on a few disputed/different stories that she'd been holding on to for the year. I could have argured with her again, for there were about two accusations against me which I can honestly say are fully untrue. I allowed for her to voice herself, and I did not argue back. There are some things which we can internally sacrifice when we know we are in the right. Others can think horrible of us, but if we are honest to our own actions- we hold the sacred flame of peace in our hearts.

This is just .... you decide.

Hillarious, or disturbing ?. I'm not sure.