Please Join In A Global STOP To HIV/AIDS

"AIDS is no longer a disease, it's a human rights issue" - Nelson Mandela, 2003 [46664 Concert]

Today I found out that my friend J*** has HIV. After a month or so of thinking that he had Scarlet Fever, it turns out that he is HIV positive. This has been getting to me all day since I found out about it. I'm concerned for him, I feel angry and I feel effected. I want him to be okay, I want this disease to die before it kills us all. Nobody deserves this. And while I can only hold out hope for him I am extremely let down by this news. We are too young for this and yet we are scentenced to disease and doubt. I pray for him the courage and grace to get through this. Yes our actions bring us to this diasnosis, but awareness and a fight for the cure is essentail. Somehow I feel as though our own government sits back laughing at the oppression this world is under by the affect of HIV/AIDS, I do not want my friends to die. Please ... can't we do something more?. Can't we save each other from this terror?. Please visit http://46664.com/home.php for more information on how you can help put a global STOP to HIV/AIDS and spread awareness for those who are still in the dark.

No One

This is just one of those songs that makes you feel satisfied inside.

Desperation.

He's not answering his phone .... did I do something wrong?.

Projection.

This morning I saw Aaron as I was getting off of the bus line to the University. He looked handsome but sneaky and scary as always. And for two seconds as I realized where that bus was heading, I began to worry. Assuming that he was catching a ride to the mall across town where J****** works, I had this horrible image come into my mind. The vision of Aaron going to my boyfriends store and flirting with him. This is pure insecurity and fear I know, but I still dont trust that piece of shit ex boyfriend Aaron. He did it the entire time we dated, and I'd not be surprised if he tried to land this towns fresh gay face. And the unfortunate thing about it is that sometimes I have fears that if I'm not putting out for my boyfriend fast enough, that he will go off to find somebody who's willing to for a tryst or two. If I'm going to look at this paragraph and break it down; I'm going to have to say that I am still scared of relationships unthanks to what Aaron pulled on me. And I am projecting that fear into my present relationship once more.

Sex Education

What if I have HIV and I dont even know it?. Sometimes I am terrified of the fact that ... you never know where your partners have been before they got to you. And if you trust them for a single hand moment, you could throw your own health to the dumpster. Unlike before, I'm not so much thinking that I am at risk right now, but I did get this cold sore on my tounge and I got all freaked out and now I'm scared .... one never knows and there is only one way to solve the problem if I were to think there is a problem at hand ... get tested.

This brings to mind the importance of a sexual education in school. The controversial topic has always been a staple in the public school systems and even now within private schools. Growing up, I was always surrounded by the Catholic debate that sex education is immoral and that it should be kept outside of the school system. What we are supposed to learn was the process of natural family planning. A process in which Catholics have scientificly identified the best ways not to get pregnant. Beyond natural birth control, the idea that a condom means sin, and disease means result to immoral behaviour has grown to stump me in terms of keeping the youth informed and healthy.

Taking my own ignorance for example, it is so important to be informed about how you can prevent and contract STD's. HIV/AIDS is probably the worst fear that I have as a homosexual male. I watched my second cousin die of AIDS in the 1990's, due to drug use and a shared needle. It always scared me, and now I am living in an age where medication can save time but not guarantee a lifetime. I was barely aware of the fact that you could get ghonorrea from oral sex, less was I aware of the fact that a drop of pre cum is enough to contract HIV.

We live in denial when it comes to sex. Some of us use it to cure the pain, others like myself are somewhat fearful of it for sake of lost purity. As a Catholic, I have grown to hide my sex drive and work with my mind. Which in itself is not bad, but where I fail is that Sex is in hiding ... so when I have it, I am almost trying to do a rush job, so not to enjoy it enough to feel the guilt of "sin" dawn upon my shoulders. And though I do not see sex as a sin, there will always be that part of me which is questioning sensuality and sexuality and pleasure. Due to this sense of denial, I have set myself up for ignorance ... it's not bliss and it will kill us all. So it's about time that I get tested and read up on my human sexuality lessons. Once more before I finish, I cannot stress the importance of letting our teens know what not to do, and where not to play in order to keep a healthy tomorrow for the youth of today.

Silence

Sometimes it works for the best of us when we feel intimidated by something larger than our comfort zone. Silence has been an ally in my own life when it comes to my personal life and some of my true emotions. But what's to come of silence in a relationship?. Things between J****** and I are both strengthening and losing balance. I don't know what to do when he is quiet, sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong, or that I dont interest him anymore. Sometimes I feel like he does not want me anymore, and that come the single hand moment of offered passion from another man, I may be tossed aside for sake of his bodily pleasure. I am trying to be pure with this relationship, but is purity not popular?, am I taking this too seriously?, I dont know how else to treat a man. I believe in respect and loyalty. And I know that J****** likes me a lot, it's just that sometimes I worry that I am not fulfilling his needs. This is yet another inescurity of mine to work through. I just need a little confirmation from him that I'm doing alright with him, and that I mean something special to him, as me means something special to me.

Poiché Mi preoccupo

All that I can say is please dont runaway from my care. Don't be afraid because I've got your back. And when the world outside there can't see you, I will find you. And when the sky outside is grey, I will point you to the side of the world where the sky owns the sun. And when you feel as though this is all too much. I will long to kiss you when you claim to tell me that it's all said and done. I'm a lover, not a fighter but I will fight for you. I'm not a liar but I can try for you, I'm nothing short of a hopeless romantic, this I share with you. Your need for privacy makes me want to show you. Your strength for life gives me hope and your few shed tears, show me that we're doing okay. You're okay babe, don't you worry, you're still young boy ... but I'll tell ya, life's not such a hurry. So don't be afraid love, don't be afraid to call on me at the eleventh hour. Because I care ....

Are you aware, honey I care.