Not Again.

I'm afraid of the things I need to say because I dont want you to take them wrong. I am fearful to be vulnerable because I don't know that you know how to help me. Some days I need a saviour, I need to be held - but I'll never ask you because I don't want to be a needy being. I often wonder if I appear as strong to you or if you think I'm easy. I sometimes worry to myself that you see me as a time passer. Is any of this real?, do you really feel?. Today I can't stop thinking of how easily I could lose you. The proposition fom your father to move you back home is tearing my ears apart, my inability to trust the future scares me beyond compare. Somehow in times like these I feel as though it's best to be silent and not let you know what I fear most - losing this connection. Is that old news?, are we over it?, do we care anymore?. I still need to know that I mean something to you more than a man that cooks and cleans and rubs your shoulders at the end of the day. I need to know that you appreciate me, I need to know that I am special. I need to know that this means as much to you as it does to me. There is nothing even to worry about, I dont want to bring this up because it will cause a fight and I can't handle that .... not again. I die everytime you are upset with me, I die inside because I don't have anything else to fight for, and when you are not around I feel empty. So please tell me you'll stay, and hold me tonight because I feel like a child inside. Don't want mommy to die, scared of the dark, don't lie to me ; darling please don't break my heart. Just tell me that you love me, tell me that you care, tell me this means everything to you, tell me "don't be scared". And hold me, just hold me. Protect me as I long to fight for you from the evil outside. Let me know something - for work is of the nothing if not seen like the blind.

If you got it you'd laugh.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ! OMG blah blah?, well blah blahb lahb blah blah !. Haahhaahahahaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Awwwww Tori Amos everybody ! Tori Fuck'n Amos !

So this is what Tori looks like without the Doll Posse get up.

I personally feel really happy when I see these pictures.

It gives me hope that Tori is not just a character, but rather a real person.

She's been doing the glam thing for so long now that I've lost a bit of vision for her.

But when I see candid's like this it reminds me of the awesome alterna-rocker

that I fell in love with in the 1990's. If only she'd play music in her regular clothes again

and not all of this "designer picked" tour get up that she started with Scarlet's Walk in 2002.

Cut my skin to find me new.

So many skinny, beautiful, flawlessly built, flat chested and hairless young men around me. All of my friends, my boyfriend and the lot ... why was I not born this way?. Why am I surrounded by these greek demi gods?. I am happy with myself, but sometimes I too see these men and wonder why I was not blessed with their natural abs, high cheeks and clear complexions. These boys who walk with their shoulders back in confidence because they know they are petite enough to look amazing. These boys haunt me because I wish I were like them. And when I see my naked body in the mirror, I don't see anything more than an average body with baby fat on it, broad chest, love handles and pale chubby arms. I need to change this, how will I ever be like those boys?. Even my boyfriend has their body .... it's genes goddammit. And it's not fair that I'm an average pig.

Verbal Vomit

That's it, I'm fed up. I don't even want to try anymore. I am too tired to give an inch of a cock touch toward my customers needs aymore. I hate customer service work and I hate my job. I'm tired of this office right now. I need a vacation like a blood transfusion. I'm dying in here. This place is sucking the me out of me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like an alien has taken over my mind as all I do is worry about customers. All that I've done since the begining of this job is worry, worry, worry. I am always on the chop block, I could lose my job on any given day, I'm stressed out in every sense of the word and I am becoming really angry.

The mere soud of a telephone call from a customer makes my blood boil. I am so sick of STUPID FUCKING students and RUDE faculty and shitty bosses with tempermental co workers. What ever happened to me?, my dreams, my life, my goals. Did I ever have any?. I don't think I do, that or I do not believe in them enough to even try. I don't think that I am worthy of the success that I long for. I think that I am stuck in the mind frame that I am to take what is given to me and to love it like there is no tomorrow. Well I am loving my job like I'd love to be raped. This sucks and I can't get away from it. I'm not asking to leave from it, BUT I need a week off from this god damned office. I cant even catch a breath.

I am trying to quit smoking as well, and thats becoming harder as the days roll on. I'm staying at home with my boyfriend more often which is nice. It helps me stay out of trouble (cigarettes at bars). I just feel like all I do is work. I am working for this relationship, I am working to pay the rent, I am working to keep my job, I am working to be happy, I am working to stay sane ... I am really stressed out and eventually I am going to break. I need reinforcement, some kind of support to homd me up when I stumble. Luckily last night J****** showed me some of that support by lending me an ear to my complaints and fears. This is something that I need every now and again. I can't go at this alone, I am fighting to remain human here and I really need a rest. I'm tired, I am on the go go go go go go go go go.

I'm out of touch with my family, I am always complaining on this blog. I am tired of being out of control. I need to take control and quit accepting un due crap that comes my way. It's like junk mail, why would I keep every piece of junk mail that came to my door?. I toss it as I recieve it, so why am I not doing the same. Or why is it that I have NEVER seen the bigger picture?. I am so focused on the details that I cannot see the big picture in front of me. What the hell does that even look like?. I am becoming more so angry as I am writing this because I am fucking frustrated with myself I think I am a fucking idiot. I'm not doing it right, I am not doing anything right. No I'm doing something right. I am fighting for love, while keeping a job that I hate in order to be responsible and support myself. Thats positive.

I'm bummed out that I missed the Tori Amos show in Oakland last weekend. All of my friends went but I didnt. It's not so much that I am jealous of them, but I feel like I needed something fun to do. Something to make me happy and break away from all the responsibility and anger. All of the fear, all of the anxiety I wish it away. I need to feel free again and this job is really holding me down. I also have a horrible fear of losing my boyfriend. Either to another man or to him just calling it quits. I suppose that comes from my notion that we have to work to make things last. And I am working hard on him. I'm just tired and I need for him to take the wheel for a minute so that I can breathe.

I'm betting on the idea that everything is going to be okay. But I also need for somebody to let me know that I am correct in thinking that way. I'm not a service man to the world, rather the world should be my greatest resource for joy, information and gain. I should not have to give myself away to every customer, my boss, my co workers .... I dont owe them a thing. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired.

Smoke

I feel completely antsy this afternoon as there is nothing to do at work. And yet I feel really scared of my boss because of him writing me up last week for "slacking off". To be honest he's really begining to get under my skin, I felt really upset over that one and by his passive/aggressive behaviour. Yet Da****** shows up to work each morning late and I've heard nothing about a write up for her. So where is the justice in this?. I'm actually growing resentful toward him. I understand that I was not right in taking personal time to overcome stress, but I feel as though rules are being bent for Da****** because a tree fell on a part of her house. I'm not trying to get her in trouble, but I'm really sick of being the only one to get in trouble. And when I feel like this, I get a truly "fuck all" attidtude toward the arena.

I've always dealt with this sort of shit, and it's because I honestly dont give a fuck when the shit hits the fan. When I feel like shit I add to the pile and thats not good. But the truth is that I'm damn fucking near sick of being blamed for all the wrong. Somehow my mother keeps coming up when it comes to this one. And I do not know what good it does to say this but I find myself tired as well of getting all the blame for all of the things that my siblings do. Or how about all of the times when I was a kid and I took the blame of my cousin and the back hand of his father for the crap my cousin would pull.

I'm stressed and ...

God damn it I want a cigarette. I won't but I'm craving (thats sick isnt it). Will power will save me.

The Tower.

I just asked the cards if I should go to California this weekend and it said something about my future with the tower card. I have only heard ugly things about this card. I have only heard of people cringing over that card and ofcourse I am freaking out. It says that it's in the near future and that I need to be ready for changes. So I'm ... trying not to believe it. I'm actually getting scared of how much I am using Tarot cards these days. It is as though I am so out of control that I need these damn things to control me. And that is where I never wanted to be. So I ill have to find myself back to square one and make myself ignorant to them. Afterall the truth of it is that they do not mean anything unless you allow them to. Much like any other force of energy or power out there. So I will simply not allow this one to take me over. Unfortunatley my mind wors in such a way that this has bee recorded and now I believe it, much like I believe in most anything because I am horribly gullable.