Truth in success :

Today my horoscope says a confrontation is coming my way. I feel like Tru Calling here as I am trying to keep my eyes and earsout for who it is and when. Tomorrow I am probably going to head over to Oakland CA for a Tori Amos show. I'll probably be back home by Tuesday. Luckily my boss is being cool about me taking a few days off. The only thing is that I'm so stressed out and worn down that I don't even feel like I should be going down there for any reason.

I need to take control again over a few minor aspects of my life in order to make proper change. I need to attain a driver's license and buy a car. I need to have my house blessed and cleanse myself of negative energy through some kind of conselling. I feel as though the events of this week have left me feeling quite a void of power and direction. My job has suffered, my relationship has mended but my spirit is still healing.

Positivity can exsist even when we are at our lowest state of being. Conciousness does not have to be stress. But stress is such a present energy within our working, living and love lives. All that I seek is peace in all places. I do not like confrontation, I don't take much of a stand for myself when I believe there is something to lose. I see myself as unbalanced, because I have to hold myself back from arguing ... I somehow think that I'll either become too upset or I will go for the kill and ruin it all.

Work is driving me crazy. The more than my customers want, the more I want to flip out. I go crazy every time a customer asks me something stupid or repeats the wrong answer to me. My eating habits have gone so far off that I've put on about 10 pounds in 4 months, I must weigh about 175 now compared to the 140 I weighed last December. I do feel quite disgusting about that. Too many drinks and too much fatty food. Nothing natural and yet I feel like it's the one thing I can control but in the opposite directon. In the past I'd stop eating fo control, but that was because I lived a very seldom life. No job, a very open schedule, I had plenty of time to focus my energy on losing weight and controlling my intake. But now that I am working full time, and my life is spinning in circles, I feel as though I am rebelling against those old habits and I am eating whatever I want and whenever. And that has added a lot more me to me.

I am the director to the film that is my life. I should not accept foul play or bad actors or else my film will not be a success. I also have to take care of myself in order to make sure that everybody else recieves the best of me. This tells me that I do not see any value in myself. This tells me that I am allowing disaster to take place because I am too scared to save the world. If I wait too long for everything to feel safe.... maybe my dreams will never come true. Honest and real success come to those who took risks and put their fear on the back burner.

That Burning Wont Stop.

Tomorrow is Friday and all that I can say is get me to the fucking finish line NOW!. This week has been nothing but emotionally unstable, wreckable and disasterous. Now that everything seems to be in the clear with J******, tomorrow is his birthday and I'm wondering what to do for him. My Boss wrote me up yesterday without warning me of putting that policy into use, and threatened termination of employment if I do not make changes. On top of that I'm still recovering from the argument that Jonathan and I had over the week. Now I find myself having bits of free foating anxiety and panic attacks often. Offset by thoughts and memories. The truth is that J******* and I did not really resolve anything. We just sort of slept together and called it even. And that leaves me thinking, "Does he even like me anymore?". Because one of the last things he said to me before we diverted the conversation was "I dont see you the same way that I used to anymore, and it's going to take some time for me to like you again". So what's going on ?, and as I think about it, I get that burning feeling in my chest again like the death of a family member has just been reported to me. What is going to happen?. Why wont this burn heal?

Death is your gift.

I feel completely dead inside. I got a write up at work today for having a bad day yesterday. My boyfriend and I are on break up road. I want to work it through but somehow I dont have the energy to fight prideful accusations. My friends are sick, a girl I know just had to witness an excorsicm. I'm using Tarot cards and I'm pretty sure that my life is in chaos at this point. I think that it is important to take the wheel again ... and this time I dont know what direction to go in. I'm tempted to move out of this god forsaken town again. Leave this apartment which holds sad memories and go to some place new. Maybe I'll change my name and start a new life. Maybe I'll be a hooker on Santa Monica BLVD. Maybe I'll just die tonight and wake up in a dream tomorrow where everything is as I wanted it to be. All relationships work out, no sicknesses are to result. No emotions are blown out of porportion. All jobs mean nothing and the only thing that matters is love. So where is love ?. I feel so judged and punished from the one I care most, I feel so lost in the battle now that I can't pick my body up from on the ground. I do feel completely alone again ... and alone is the last place I wanted to be. Somewhere out there I don't believe that God intended for me to find a mate. So many humans example a style of living, sex before love, love conditioned by sex. Is there anybody else out there who will see me for me and respect my values?, who will let me love them and not call me a freak. Oh you sick circumsised world, cut off from all true ties. Oh you sad grave dissapointment, a life so full of lies. Nothing is perfect; this I do know, but tell me why do I feel so all alone. I scream to the sky "God wontyou throw me a bone". I've been chastized and let down, I've accepted to seek through. But somehow, sometime .... I have to let this die. I'm dying inside and it's like suffocation .... I'd like to trust again but this story just re affirms to me that nothing ever works out. It will always die ... always.

Morbid Curiosity

I'm standing in the wind with tears building in my eyes.
Cold rain, whipping, dripping ;cascading upon my cheeks.
Chill, freeze and sorrow.
You won't see me tomorrow.
Standing cliffside and through the clouds I see
something more than you, and someone more like me.
Is this boat still standing, oh why wont it whisk me away.
Save me from this aweful ground, sweep me far, far away.
Take me on a holiday.

Turn around, back to the gael.
Wonder if this boat will ever set sail?.
The wind settles, knees in shackles.
Worries free and sorrows settled.
Something special about the moment
when I gave up on hope
Took my life upon a rope.
Settled sail .....
The finale to this tale.

Untitled

SAVE ME !

YOU MOTHER FUCKER !

JUST FUCKING SAVE ME !!

SAVE ME FROM THIS PAIN !

THESE THOUGHTS !

THIS LET DOWN !!

AND THEY SAY THAT GOD IS ON MY SIDE

WELL WHRE IS THAT GOD WHEN EVERYONE HAS DIED

Because I'm tired of waiting for somebody to love me.
And I'm tired of feeling alone.
I know they say your family loves you.
But there are always too many needs.
Needs ... needs ... needs .... NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS !

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE

I'M BEING PUNISHED HERE

YOU DONT SEE IT

HOW CAN YOU SEE IT

PUNISHMENT

ANGER

PUNISHMENT

IM HUMAN

DONT THREAT

DONT THREAT

Numb, Cold and Lonely

Just when you think it's al going well, your actions cause a tidle wave of betrayal and hurt. Where do we draw the line though?. Last night I confessed to my boyfriend that I'd had a few smokes as of late and he quickly got off of the phone with me. Moments later I am swarmed with messages of his being angry at me, upset and let down ... and then he told me not to be surprised when he cheats on me. . .

These words are stting on my chest as I try to justify his anger and let go of my own pain, and yet I can't do it. A smoke versus infidelity- you choose the draw here for I cannot see the connection. I understand that I made a promise to him not to smoke anymore and I've done damn well of it. Somehow I figured that one or two smokes was not "the breakdown", that if he were to ask me how I was doing with it, I'd tell him the truth but not flaunt around saying "Oh I smoked a cigarette with my guinness tonight !!". I'm trying so hard to work on his end with this one but I can't go there at the moment, I can't make myself out as the bad guy again when all I have ever done is try for this boy. I've even given up worrying; until now.

Last night as I walked all over downtown to clear my thoughts I began to talk out loud to myself. I'm scared to ask him to talk to me for I feel as though he's going to tell me "it's over". And although I am trying to project good energy upon it, I feel a sunken ship within like he's going to let me down. God help me, God help me, God help me ...

Last night I did not sleep at all. I layed there with tears in my heart but nothing on my face. Fears of being alone again raped my will to be optimistic. I prayed out to a God I once knew and asked for a guide ... somebody to love me. For if I can't love myself and my attemtps to show love for another have faild me yet again - then where is my love?. I am convincing myself that I'm not worthy of it because it's never here long enough to hold me in its warmth. I an't breathe, my lungs are hollow and my chest is heavy again. And somehow I am preparing my heart for the worst because I don't know if I'll win. . . I'm too tired to fight today.

The hardest part is that I do not want to move on. I don't want this to end, I want it to work out. Without details I'll be honest that I feel a bit hurt by him that he won't see me for me in this situation and I am now begining to feel taken for grantid. Because I've done all in my power, I've given my finances and I've shared more of myself with this guy than anybody ever allowed me to before. And yet last night ... last night I felt so much spite coming from him. A threat and a scauld - I'm not a child here and emotions should not be punished. Nobody is right or wrong in an argument it is only moral or immoral. Yes ... smoking is not healthy, perhaps I didn't think it was that big of a deal to have one. But now he's questioning my authenticity ... and this is one that I'll just have to deal with. God this fucking hurts .... it hurts because it's numb, cold and lonely in here.

The Power of No.

I have allowed myself not to dwell on the little things anymore. I've told myself that "It's bullshit" and that one should not dwell upon the imagination for too long. And though there is so much of me that lives within the imagination I hve to believe in my power over the mind to get me through the lonely, hard and insecure times.

Last night as he left my apartment from a week together, I felt sad, alone and scared. Why did goodbye for now feel so bad. And why was it that I felt my fears whispering ino my ear all of the stories they once told. Why did I feel as though he didnt want to be around me. Why was I imagining him running off to make a phone call to a secret boy on the side and why did I allow myself to sit up nearly in tears for about 45 minutes. The truth is that I felt alone again for the first time in a week and it took 2.1 seconds for me to miss him like all hell again.

But the truth is that everything is beautiful and nothing is wrong. So I allowed for those thoughts to take place and I allowed myself to think them through with the knowledge that it was not real at all. Nothing is real until make into reality. I am starting to belive more so than ever that our thoughts conduct our reality. So I must stop allowing my insecurities and my negativity run the show. I believe in this relatonship, I've always been willing to work through anything in order to make it work. There is only one thing that I will not work with and that it betrayal of the heart and flesh.

So te lesson I am teaching myself is to surrender my control through not believing my mind. I've submitted my will toward a sense of "let it flow" and not worry. This has opened trust between J******* and I. We're more open than ever, and I feel a great success in this so far. I am also having to learn how not to fear voicing myself, and choose my battles. In the begining I felt as though I had to knit pick every "issue". Well every issue is not worth fighting, and every word is not worth breaking down. Sometimes we just have to accept what simply is the moment in order to work through it. And often times we learn that the outcome we feared, does not come through if we do not project it. So let's stop projecting the outcome and our mind will un-learn how to create it. This is the powerof No.