I gave you my all ....

Life's changed. Friday did happen. Now were at odds and arguing. The little things. Feelings hurt, all that it means, and all that it's not. Sometimes I don't know how to say "I feel hurt". Yet here I am taking the blame for trying to express that. Am I that big of a fucker?, am I mean?. Whats wrong here?. I could not express, so I shut down. And yet .... now were on "hold". An agreement made by one and not all. For I respect too much and fear the loss of all that is us. Numb and broken, my body should feel a "loss", yet I'm telling myself ... everyone goes through it. Your virginity should not be praised, nor celebrated when lost. Somehow I dont know if there was any concept of tha value that I gave .... I gave you my virginity.

The Big One.

I lost my virginity last night. I gave it away.

I lost my virginity - why must we say it that way.

What do we gain when "purity" is lost?.

Lost is such a strong word, a suggestion of emptiness.

And though I feel somewhat alone emotionally,

and though I know ... I was somewhat ready.

All that I pray is that emotion will go steady.

So please ... and I mean this please, don't treat me like a horse.

For I'm raw, and open and I feel the start of a new course.

"You're a man now" so they say, honey I don't think it'll ever be that way.

Some parts of me are crying for the innocence lost.

My body is lying in a puddle of lust.

But with each lesson learned, and at the end of the day.

First sexual experiences, are bound to take place some day.

So why not here, why not now?.

Sure it wasn't a castle or a fairytale.

The candles that you always longed for,

the music that you thought you'd play.

The kisses wished returned with praise.

The worries of today.

Songs : Define an emotion, tell you a story of how I feel t'day.

Natalie Imbruglia "Smoke"


The Corrs "Long Night"


Fiona Apple "Extraordianry Machine"

------
I don't feel too happy today.
Sometimes it just gotta be that way.
Feeling kind of confused again.
Always something, always men.
Always indigo, always blue.
Wish I had your back to cry on, wish I had you.
Distiant like china, sands not on my shore.
Holding back the thought process, can't take it any more.
All I feel, is all I care.
Where are you when I take the dare.
Spot me when, see me now.
Wont you please show me you care, please somehow.
In my mind I trust you, in your actions I doubt.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all in vain.
Days like yesterday, I can see your pain.
But when I try to help you
you tell me you're "okay"
like I've ruined a great moment for you
Why am I TO BLAME ??.
I need a little support in this
because even great men fall.
For depression, doubt and sadness is knocking at my door.
Love is of great richness,
_________ is for the poor.

Something in the meantime

Devendra Banhart "Shake Shugaree"

Walking in line with the night fox.

Words can hurt. Actions kill. But I've done nothing to make the world doubt. I've been trying to show that you're a king. Today I feel as though you could give a shit. Small cuts, little comments ... I dont deserve to be treated like a bitch. I'm your equal - why would you do that to me ?. Why do I need to feel like such an asshole when I make a different plan. Why do you need to call other men sexy? , what's the need for this confusion. God I just long for an easy interaction. I long to be honest, real and drama free.

I'd give you everything ... I'd give you my all. I dont doubt you, I just don't understand why your words hurt me so. I would never try to hurt you; so why do you comment under your breath, laugh and not tell me why, stare and pretend not to lust?. Are you trying to keep me in check? are you trying to scare me?. Why ... why .... why, I'm not going anywhere. Do you want this too? .... why do I fear. I HATE THIS FUCKING FEAR. It wont leave me ... I need support. I dont know where to find it when I feel like I am being punished through short conversation and un defined commentery. Am I too much ?, am I a fucking idiot ? .... what is wrong with me. I feel hurt, sad and ofcourse because what else is new .... worried.

Sometimes I just need a support to know that I'm doing everything okay, and that I'm not walking in this line with a night fox. Am I just a meantime boy until prince charming comes your way ?.

So my heart's on my sleeve again ... threads are frayed. Split ends are showing .... I'm a mess.

Pu'er says no

I know they are my customers but JESUS .. some people just piss me off. There is nothing worst than a "shopper" in the world of sales. I don't work for questions baby, I work to make a knick in the chalk board of revenue. Yeah it's come to this. With a new boss and my job on the line I'm becoming exhausted by those who want me to work for nothing. It's not fair to ask me how cheap it is to fly from Denver to Bangkok, to Los Angeles to China, to Amsterdam to Berlin to adda hostel in Paris and stay for three months in Capetown .... oh and "Is that the lowest you can find". Sometimes it takes about an hour or more to answer these questions and offer a price quote to a customer that is going to buy a ticket off of Orbitz.com for $10.00 cheaper. And that is my rant for the hour. Holy crap that pisses me off.

Tori Amos@Blender.com Toxic Tampax Edition.

I haven't posted here for a few days, life's been crazy and ofcourse I'll go through it all in a post soon if not later today. But in the meantime why dont you check out this hillarious clip from Tori Amos @ blender.com