My eye is bothering me again this morning. I didnt wake up with it swollen shut, but it is still infected with some kind of .... something unfortunate. I think I caught something on my flight to Phoenix because last week I had this really fucked up "allergy" in my left eye. I figured that it was because I'd been sleeping by the air conditioning machine for a few nights there, but now with a visit to the doctor I am convinced that it was something else. So to be honest, I've been embarrassed to visit friends and family now that I am back based on this infection. I did however stop by a freind's job yesterday because I wanted to see him.
I got seriously lonely in Arizona, though I had my co-workers and fellow students along my side; there was an emptiness in the atmosphere when I would go for a drink in the Clarion Hotel lobby. Something was missing, something important .... me. I was missing from the equasion in Arizona in great part due to my not wanting to be there, and now happy to have been taken away from my surroundings and thrown into an environment of controlled schedule and agenda. It simply did not coordinate with my present stance in life.
I've been feeling more so lately than ever that I need a serious scene change. My friends that I've hung out with since day one are still gone, and those that I have met in my first year up here are showing me such a lack of support and such a presence of control and manipulative behaviour, that I am feeling the desire to move on and move out. In the end, I am not truly satisfied with anything at the present moment. I'm feeling very odd about my job, I'm feeling very antsy about my family and my friends. Ultimatley I'm feeling very out of touch with myself and that worries me. I don't feel very strong right now, and that scares me because my guard has been weakened to the axe throwes of everyday life.
No comments:
Post a Comment